Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.23 “Eagleman/Children of Mentu”

Posted on November 14, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost the entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

This week, season 3 comes to an end!

Episode 3.23 “Eagleman/Children of Mentu”

(Dir by Michael Vejar, originally aired on May 17th, 1980)

As I watched the third season finale of Fantasy Island, I found myself growing a bit sad. Even though I went into this program knowing that Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize eventually came to despise each other, it’s still a bit jarring to see just how obvious that dislike was by the end of season 3. Gone were the silly moments of banter that used to start each episode. Instead, by the end of season 3, each episode opened with same stock footage of Tattoo announcing the plane and then Roarke and Tattoo heading down to the docks to meet their guests. When Tattoo and Roarke do speak to each other, the actors barely look at each other. As I said, it’s a shame and it’s hard not to feel that the show itself became a bit less interesting once Roarke and Tattoo stopped interacting.

As far as this week’s fantasies, they both feel somewhat familiar. There’s a comedic fantasy and a vaguely serious fantasy, both featuring actors who had previously appeared on the show in different roles. The comedic fantasy features Bob Denver as Morris Binstock who comes to the Island for a business retreat. Accompanying him is his son, Barney (Keith Coogan). Ever since the death of his wife, Morris has struggled to connect with his son. His fantasy is to become his son’s favorite comic book hero, Eagleman!

And he gets his wish. Roarke has set up an entire Eagleman secret headquarters in the closet of Morris’s room. Morris puts on the Eagleman costume and he does a flew klutzy things and he gets to fly. His son is happy. But is Morris devoting so much time to being Eagleman that he’s running the risk of losing a promotion at work? After all, a promotion would not only mean more money but it would also be something that would continue to exist, even after Morris left the Island. It looks like obnoxious Hal Ripley (Larry Storch) is going to get the promotion but when the company’s CEO, H.H. Moran (Jim Backus), discovers that Morris has been pretending to be Eagleman to make his son happy, Moran makes Morris vice president. H.H. Moran is all about family!

The more serious fantasy features Vernee Watson as Rochelle McKenzie, a reporter who is trying to track down Dr. Arthur Gates (Ralph Bellamy), a millionaire who vanished one day. Roarke explains that Dr. Gates has been spotted on the nearby Island of Mentu. Roarke warns her that the inhabitants of Mentu are not friendly and Rochelle will be putting her own life at risk if she goes to the island,

Rochelle still goes to the island and guess what? Roarke was not lying about those angry inhabitants. One of the men is horribly scarred. Another has to use a crutch but still growls at every human he sees. The island and the natives were exploited by a mining company and now, the natives distrust almost everyone they see. However, Dr. Gates has decided to dedicate his life to taking care of them. That’s a good thing because it turns out that the scarred native has a sick child and only Dr. Gates can provide the proper medical attention.

Both stories are fairly silly, though at least Rochelle’s story gives Ralph Bellamy a chance to take on the type of role that was usually given to Ray Milland. If you only know Bellamy as the guy who was constantly getting dumped for Cary Grant in the 30s and 40s, this episode allows Bellamy a chance to show that he could be a likable and authoritative actor. As for the Eagleman story, it was kind of uncomfortable to watch because Bob Denver looked like he was in his early 60s and it was hard not to worry about him seriously injuring himself whenever he put on the costume.

There’s an interesting moment in Rochelle’s fantasy, in which she tells Mr. Roarke that she feels foolish coming to the Island in pursuit of a “fantasy.” She feels that she’s being childish but Roarke explains that fantasies are not childish and that one should always pursue their dreams. Whether it was intentional or not, this scene serves as a mission statement for the entire series. Yes, Fantasy Island was frequently silly and childish but, in the end, it still resonates because people will always have dreams and they will always have fantasies. There will always be a place for Fantasy Island.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.22 “My Fair Pharaoh/The Power”

Posted on November 7, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Fantasy Island goes to ancient Egypt!

Episode 3.22 “My Fair Pharaoh/The Power”

(Dir by George McCowan, originally aired on May 10th, 1980)

This week, Mr. Roarke welcomes two people with two very different fantasies. Neither one of their fantasies really make much sense but you know Mr. Roarke. He’s going to give the people what they want, unless he takes some sort of personal dislike to them. Then, they’re totally going to get screwed.

Lucy Atwell (Joan Collins), for instance, has always fantasized about going back to ancient Egypt and living the life of Cleopatra. Now, you may wonder why that is, seeing as how Cleopatra lost every man that she ever loved and was eventually killed by an asp. But no matter! Mr. Roarke sends Lucy into the past and Lucy quickly discovers that …. wait a minute! She’s not Cleopatra! Instead, she’s a part of the harem of Ptolemy (Michael Ansara)! What the Hell, Mr. Roarke!? What part of “I want to be Queen of Egypt” sounds like “I want to be a part of some old guy’s harem?”

However, Lucy does look exactly like the real Cleopatra and that might be useful, seeing as how the real Cleopatra is currently being held prisoner. After a proper amount of royal training, Lucy fills in for Cleopatra and gets to meet and fall in love with Marc Anthony (Ron Ely). When the real Cleopatra is killed by an asp, the fake Cleopatra gets to rule Egypt and it all works out nicely until …. the fantasy ends.

Oh well, it was a nice weekend. Time for Lucy to go home except …. who is that waiting for the airplane? Why, it’s Marc Anthony! Except his real name is Eric Williams and apparently, he was just a guy living out a fantasy of his own. He always wanted to know what it would be like to be Marc Anthony because who hasn’t fantasized about briefly ruling Rome and then being exiled and hounded to death by the forces of Augustus? Anyway, Lucy finds her love and Joan Collins finally gets to play Cleopatra, the role that she was nearly awarded in 1960 before Elizabeth Taylor was selected instead.

Meanwhile, in the episode’s comedic fantasy, dorky Fred Webster (Larry Linville) wants to impress his girlfriend, Laura (Julie Sommars) by being telekinetic. What? Seriously, that’s how he wants to impress her? I mean, it’s Fantasy Island! Ask for a better job or a nicer car or something. Anyway, Fred gets his power of telekinesis and uses it to cheat at gambling. This brings him to the attention of Stephanie (Carol Lynley) and her goons. When Fred realizes that Stephanie is evil, Stephanie has Laura kidnapped but she’s forgotten that Fred has telekinesis and can just mentally cause a fishing net to wrap up her and her men. This was an extremely silly fantasy. In fact, it was too silly for its own good, right down to the scenes where Fred’s eyes take on a green glow while he uses his powers.

This was a pretty forgettable episode but at least there were some nice costumes in the Egyptian fantasy. Next week, season 3 comes to an end.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.21 “Jungle Man/Mary Ann and Miss Sophisticate”

Posted on October 31, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Fantasy Island is invaded by jungle men and ventriloquists!

Episode 3.21 “Jungle Man/Mary Ann and Miss Sophisticate”

(Dir by Michael Vejar, originally aired on March 8th, 1980)

For years, David Farley (Dennis Cole) starred as Jungle Man on television. When the show was canceled, David made a living by doing public appearances as Jungle Man but then the producers of the show filed a lawsuit. As a result, David is no longer allowed to ever dress up in a loin cloth. David comes to Fantasy Island, hoping for one last chance to be Jungle Man.

(This fantasy, by the way, had its roots in what happened to the original Lone Ranger, Clayton Moore. Moore was told that he could no longer wear the mask in public because a new Lone Ranger movie was coming out. The producers also took Moore to court. Moore reacts by ditching the mask and wearing wrap-around sunglasses instead.)

Mr. Roarke explains to David that his fantasy will make Jungle Man a reality. There will be no stunt doubles and the bad guys might not be as easy to defeat as on television. David says he doesn’t care. He finds himself again in the jungle, transformed into Jungle Man! He also discovers that all of his friends are upset with him because they haven’t seen him for two years. They think that Jungle Man just abandoned them and, of course, Jungle Man can’t explain that the show was canceled.

In Jungle Man’s absence, Queen Mara (France Nuyen) has agreed to surrender the jungle to the evil hunter, Derrick Haskell (Dick Butkus, who between Half-Nelson, Hang Time, and this show, is becoming a bit of a regular on this site). Can Jungle Man prevent Mara from signing over her land? And can he save Rima (Barbara Luna), the woman he loves? And, even more importantly, can he convince Roarke to to let him live forever in the jungle?

Of course, he can. This was a bit of silly fantasy but it still worked because of how earnest Dennis Cole was in the role of Jungle Man. Plus, I enjoyed that life in the jungle had continued even after the Jungle Man television show was canceled. It captured the way that a lot of us feel when our favorite TV show is cancelled and we wonder what happened to all the characters after the finale.

The other fantasy was …. well, it was weird and creepy and surprisingly dark. Annette Funicello played Mary Ann Carlin (Annette Funicello), a world famous ventriloquist. Mary Ann is worried that she can no longer tell where her personality ends and where the personality of her dummy, Valerie, begins. Is there anything creepier than a ventriloquist with a personality conflict?

Mary Ann’s fantasy is to separate her personality from Valerie’s for a weekend so that she can decide what to do with her career. (This sounds like something that would be better handled by a therapist than a resort owner but whatever.) Mr. Roarke’s solution is to turn Valerie into a living human being. Unfortunately, it turns out that Valerie has a man streak and she not only seduces Mary Ann’s boyfriend (Don Galloway) but she also gives a surreal performance in which, somehow, Mary Ann is transformed into the dummy.

Fortunately for Mary Ann. everything works out. She finally snaps out of whatever spell she was under and she tossed Valerie, who is now suddenly a doll once again, in a fire. Mary Ann and her boyfriend leave the Island, planning on getting married and settling down. Apparently, Mary Ann doesn’t have a problem with the fact that her boyfriend had sex with a ventriloquist’s dummy but I still imagine that it’s something she’ll bring up whenever they have a disagreement about something. “You think I’m spending too much money!? Remember that time you screwed a block of wood?”

It really doesn’t make much sense at all but it’s so surreal and weird that it’s fun to watch. This fantasy was the Island at its most nightmarish and certainly, that makes it an appropriate fantasy to close out October with!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.20 “Nona/One Million B.C.”

Posted on October 24, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This episode features a trip to the past and a surprisingly good turn from Peter Graves.

Episode 3.20 “Nona/One Million B.C.”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on March 1st, 1980)

This week, we have another episode of Fantasy Island in which a somewhat effective fantasy is matched with an incredibly dumb one.

The dumb fantasy involves two women (Phyllis Davis and Jo Ann Pflug) who want to go back to a time when men took care of everything and women didn’t have to do anything. They’re sick of all that women’s lib stuff! Mr. Roarke explains that their fantasy is rather vaguely worded and then sends them back to the time of dinosaurs and cavemen. (Of course, dinosaurs and cavemen didn’t exist at the same time but whatever.) After the two women are nearly killed by a Claymation dinosaur, they are taken in by a tribe of cavemen. Since their modern clothes were ruined in all the excitement, they are given fashionable fur outfits to wear. Despite the fact that they’ve gone back to One Million B.C., the new animal skins outfits have built-in bras, showing that the cave people were more advanced than anyone realized.

Anyway, living in a cave sucks but, fortunately, it turns out that tribe’s leader (Neville Brand) is actually just Mr. Roarke in disguise. Just as the cavemen find themselves in a battle with another tribe of cave dwellers, Roarke reveals himself and ends the fantasy. Yes, it was dumb.

The other fantasy was significantly better. Ned J. Scott (Peter Graves) is a former Chicago cop who is now blind but still obsessed with finding the whereabouts a missing actress named Nona (Joanna Pettet). Roarke gives Scott one of his magic potions, which briefly returns his ability to see. Fortunately, Nona is on Fantasy Island, being held prisoner by a knife-wielding pimp (Edd Byrnes). Scott saves her from the pimp, encourages her not to be so critical of herself, and reunites Nona with her family before losing his eyesight once again. Nona, having fallen in love with Scott, declares that she loves him whether he can see or not. They leave the Island together. Awwwwww!

The second fantasy had its flaws, not the least of which was that Nona certainly got over being a sex slave in record time. But, almost despite itself it still worked. A lot of that is due to Peter Graves. Graves, who we normally think of as being something of a stiff actor, gives a very emotional performance here and the viewer never doubts for a second his love for Nona. Graves especially does a good job in the scenes where Scott realizes that his vision is starting to fade and that he will soon be blind again. He gives a fully committed performance, one that elevates the fantasy.

Finally, this episode features one brief scene of Roarke and Tattoo banter. (Roarke and Tattoo banter used to be one of the show’s trademarks but it was rarely seen during the third season.) Roarke tricks Tattoo into thinking that he’s just taken an invisibility serum. It’s a bit cruel but at least they were speaking to each other again.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.18 “Aphrodite/Dr. Jekyll and Miss Hyde”

Posted on October 10, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Aphrodite comes to Fantasy Island, along with Marcia Brady!

Episode 3.18 “Aphrodite/Dr. Jekyll and Miss Hyde”

(Dir by Rod Holcomb, originally aired on February 2nd, 1980)

This week, Maureen McCormick returns to Fantasy Island!

The former Marcia Brady is playing Jennifer Griffin, the younger sister of renowned psychiatrist Melanie Griffin (Rosemary Forsyth). Jennifer is dating a total lout named Ross Hayden (Don Stroud) and Melanie’s fantasy is to understand why women like her sister are irresistibly drawn to bad boys.

(Because bad boys are sexy rebels who don’t let anyone tell them what to do and just need the right woman to bring out their sensitive side. It’s not that complicated!)

Roarke gives Melanie a vial of a blue serum that he claims is the same serum that Dr. Henry Jekyll used to transform himself into Edward Hyde. Roarke warns Melanie that she should only drink two drops of the serum at a time. Melanie does so and is transformed into the sexy Lilah, who dances up a storm at a nightclub and wins the attention of Ross, who is there with Jennifer. Somehow, Jennifer does not realize that Liliah is her old sister, despite the fact that Lilah is essentially just Melanie wearing a wig and a little more makeup than usual.

Ross, however, does figure out that Melanie is actually Lilah. Ross confronts Melanie in her cabin and forces her to drink the ENTIRE serum, as opposed to just the two drops. Melanie is transformed into an growling old woman with bad teeth. She ends up chasing Ross through the jungle, carrying a knife and growling at him until Mr. Roarke suddenly pops up and uses his magic powers to transforms Melanie back to her normal self. Roarke suggests that Melanie should think about why she has so much anger towards men and …. wait a minute. Does Roarke not realize that Ross basically just drugged Melanie and tried to force himself on her? Why is it suddenly on Melanie to figure out why she doesn’t like men like Ross?

Anyway, Jennifer dumps Ross and she and Melanie leave Fantasy Island together. We don’t see Ross leave Fantasy Island so I’m going to guess that he’s still somewhere in the jungle.

Speaking of the jungle, that’s where Professor Alan Blair (George Maharis) finds the lost temple of Aphrodite!

Alan’s fantasy is to find the perfect woman, who he believes to be Aphrodite despite the fact that anyone who is at all TV savvy knows that the perfect woman for Alan is actually his colleague, Minnie Hale (Belinda Montgomery). No sooner does Alan find the temple than a statue of Aphrodite comes to life. Alan and Aphrodite (played by Britt Ekland) make love all night and the next morning, Alan announces, “Aphrodite and I are getting married!”

However, it soon turns out that Aphrodite — much like that mermaid who tried to down John Saxon a few episodes ago — is all about destroying her lovers. Soon, Alan is flying into a rage whenever anyone so much as looks at Aphrodite and Aphrodite is trying to convince Alan to stay with her in her temple forever. Fortunately, Mr. Roarke shows up at the temple and announces that Aphrodite isn’t real because she’s just Alan fantasy. Mr. Roake isn’t even phased by the lightening bolt that Aphrodite tosses at him. Aphrodite is transformed back into a statue and Minnie reveals that her fantasy was that Alan would fall in love with her.

This was an extremely campy and silly episode, which also means that it was a lot of fun. Between Britt Ekland inviting every man to come to her cave and Rosemary Forsyth chasing Don Stroud with a knife, this episode was a nonstop parade of weirdness and it’s hard not to wish that it had served as a template for every episode of Fantasy Island. This week, the trip to the Island was definitely worth it!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.17 “Playgirl/Smith’s Valhalla”

Posted on October 3, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Leslie Nielsen returns to Fantasy Island!

Episode 3.17 “Playgirl/Smith’s Valhalla”

(Dir by Michael Vejar, originally aired on January 26th, 1980)

This week, Tattoo is super excited because one of the guests is Erica Clark (Barbie Benton), a famous centerfold for Rooster Magazine! Erica, however, no longer models. As she explains to Mr. Roarke, she grew tired of men treating her as just being a sex object. Indeed, her fantasy is to be able to treat men the same way! (Today, of course, Erica could save however much money she spent for the fantasy by simply watching clips of Magic Mike on YouTube.)

In perhaps the simplest fantasy that Mr. Roarke has ever put together, he sends Erica to the Island’s famed Jackrabbit Club, where men dance while women watch. Again, to be clear, all Mr. Roarke had to do was send her to the island’s version of Chippendales. I mean, Erica could have just done that on her own. Anyway, Erica witnesses one of the dancers, Walter Wilde (Fabian Forte), getting fired for refusing to go along with being sexually harassed by one of the women in the audience. Relating to Walter, his desire to go to medical school, and his life as a single father to Dinah (Heather McAdam), Erica agrees to come out of retirement and pose (in a bikini with a big rooster tail hooked on the back) for the club’s owner, Big Earl Sanderson (Denny Miller). However, when Big Earl demands that Erica do more than just pose, Walter is there to punch him out.

Anyway, it turns out that Dinah’s fantasy was for Walter to fall in love and Roarke combined her fantasy with Erica’s, presumably to save some money. So, Erica, Walter, and Dinah leave the island together and I guess Erica learns that …. well, I’m not sure anyone learned anything. This was a pretty weak fantasy that claimed to be about treating men as sex objects but spent the majority of time looking for excuses to put Barbi Benton in a bikini. Seriously, Jackrabbit was the tamest male strip club I’ve ever seen.

Meanwhile, the Island finds itself in what should be an international incident after a group of dirty commies hijack a plane and make it land at an abandoned Fantasy Island airport. The communists say that they are doing this because they have to get people to pay attention to their cause but it’s hard not to notice that there’s next to no media coverage of the events, there are no soldiers or police surrounding the airport, and Mr. Roarke merely shrugs it off.

The only person who does care is Jason Smith (Hugh O’Brian), whose fantasy is to lead a combat mission. The fantasy becomes personal for Jason when he discovers that his wife (Emily Banks) is one of the hostages! Mr. Roarke arranges to Jason to work with three combat experts.

Buck Tanner (Sean Garrison) is an explosives expert who suffers from war flashbacks.

“Weasel” Forbes (Charlies Dierkop) is a wild sniper.

And French soldier of fortune Emile Bouvier is …. LESLIE NIELSEN!

Yes, this episode of Fantasy Island features Leslie Nielsen is one of the last of his “serious” roles, playing a French mercenary by wearing a red beret and not even attempting an accent. Bouver is tough and no-nonsense, as we learn when he catches Buck drinking on the job.

Anyway, Jason is able to rescue his wife and the other hostages and the communists are all arrested and hopefully sacrificed to the Fantasy Island mermaid. Bouvier sacrifices his life to save Jason’s but Mr. Roark explains that it was no big deal because Bouvier was dying anyways and his fantasy was to end his life doing something heroic. Once again, it appears that Mr. Roarke saved some money by combining fantasies. Was Fantasy Island feeling the effects of the Carter recession? Perhaps.

Other than Leslie Nielsen playing a serious role, probably the most interesting thing about this episode is that Mr. Roarke and Tattoo barely spoke to each other over the course of it. There was none of the usual comedic banter or anything like that. Indeed, even in the scenes greeting and saying goodbye to their guests, Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize refused to every look at each other. Obviously, it wasn’t all happy days on Fantasy Island.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.16 “Rogues and Riches/Stark Terror”

Posted on September 26, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Smiles, everyone! Smiles!

Episode 3.16 “Rogues and Riches/Stark Terror”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on January 19th, 1980)

Our latest weekend on Fantasy Island is both strange and entertaining!

Attorney Mark Hendicks (John Schuck) comes to the Island with a briefcase full of papers. He’s searching for his former law partner, Pete Gilbert (singer Robert Goulet). Years ago, Pete came to Fantasy Island with a simple fantasy. He wanted to be an 18th century British outlaw. However, Pete had so much fun in the past that he decided that he never wanted to leave. Mark needs to get Pete’s signature on some official forms so that Mark can sell some land that he and Pete bought before Pete’s fateful trip to the Island.

Mr. Roarke explains to Mark what’s going on with Pete and Mark is surprisingly accepting of Roarke’s explanation. Roarke drives Mark out to a bridge. He tells Mark that crossing the bridge will transport Mark to Pete’s fantasy. Mark crosses the bridge and immediately sees Pete being chased by a bunch of British soldiers. Pete is having a grand ol’ time in the 18th century but he’s more than willing to take some time out from plundering so that he can sign the papers so that will allow Mark to become a millionaire once he returns to the present. However, after a dinner scene that is basically lifted shot-for-shot from Tom Jones, Mark falls in love with Margaret Winston (Dolly Read), the wife of sword-wielding Judge Winston (Alan Hale, Jr). Mark is tempted to remain in the past but, in the end, he decides that his place is in the present. Fortunately, it turns out that Margaret was having a fantasy of her own and she and Mark leave the Island together.

While that silly but enjoyable fantasy plays out out, Amy Marson (Melissa Sue Anderson) searches for the solution to a mystery that was so traumatic that it caused her to lose her ability to speak. Amy’s mother (Elinor Donahue) died in front of her and Amy hopes to discover not only who killed her mother but also to recover her ability to speak. This leads to Amy visiting the lighthouse where she grew up and having a reunion with the kindly lighthouse keeper, Joshua Templar (Michael Constantine). Amy’s flashbacks lead her to the solution to the mystery of her mom’s death and also to Joshua’s secret son (David Drucker).

This storyline, much like last week’s battle against Elizabeth Bathory, was enjoyably creepy and it featured good performances from Anderson, Constantine, Donahue, and Drucker. In the best tradition of Fantasy Island, the storyline was both macabre and also rather life-affirming. Fantasy Island was always at its best when it revealed the hidden humanity at the heart of each fantasy. Amy learns the truth of her mother’s death and she regains her ability to speak. Tattoo tells her that she has a beautiful voice. Awwwwww!

This was a great weekend on Fantasy Island!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.15 “Unholy Wedlock/Elizabeth”

Posted on September 19, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

This week, David Cassidy gets married and Tina Louise meets the Blood Countess!

Episode 3.15 “Unholy Wedlock/Elizabeth”

(Dir by Rod Holcomb, originally aired on January 12th, 1980)

Danny Collier (David Cassidy) has come to the Island with his best friend, Ken Jason (Eddie Mekka). Danny’s fantasy is to finally marry his fiancée over the weekend. As he explains to Tattoo and Mr. Roarke, he’s tried to get married several times in the past and, every time, something happened that kept him from getting to the ceremony. This weekend, though, he’s going to get married on the island and Tattoo is going to throw him a wonderful bachelor party! When Mr. Roarke questions whether Danny really loves his wife-to-be, Danny explains that his fiancée is rich!

The main problem with this fantasy is that, from the start, Danny comes across as being a total jerk. David Cassidy plays the entire role with this bizarre intensity that makes him come across as being an entitled frat boy. I didn’t care about Danny and his wedding and, as a result, I really didn’t care when Danny woke up to discover that he had married Christie (Misty Rowe), the dancer from his bachelor party. Danny was desperate to get the marriage annulled, even though it had already been consummated. Unfortunately, Tattoo was of little help. When Christie suddenly disappeared, Danny was arrested for her murder!

Wow, that took a turn.

Not to worry, though. Danny escapes from jail, goes to a Fantasy Island dive bar, and discovers that Christie faked her own death so Danny could marry the woman that he has been pretending to love. But then Danny realizes that Christie is who he loves so he stays married to her. I felt bad for Christie since Danny came across as if he was destined to be bitter and washed-up by the time he hit 30.

You may have noticed that I said Tattoo was the one who explained to Danny that his marriage could not be annulled. That’s because Mr. Roarke had a mission of his own to deal with in this episode. When Lisa Corday (Tina Louise) came to the Island, her fantasy was one that caused Mr. Roarke much concern. Haunted by nightmares, Lisa wanted to visit the castle that she frequently saw in her dreams. Roarke immediately knew that the castle was the home of the infamous Elizabeth Bathory, the Hungarian noblewoman who was convicted of and executed for bathing in the blood of virgins. Apparently, Mr. Roarke played a role in trapping Elizabeth Bathory’s evil spirit inside of her castle and Elizabeth was using Lisa to get revenge on Roarke! (It should not be overlooked that, as a name, Lisa started out as a shortened version of Elizabeth. Then, everyone realized how pretty the name was on its own that Lisa soon became more popular than Elizabeth.) Roarke accompanied Lisa to the castle and, when Elizabeth’s spirit possessed Lisa, Roarke was there to battle Elizabeth, rescue Lisa, and banish Elizabeth back to Hell.

Wow, that’s pretty intense for Fantasy Island!

The Elizabeth Bathory storyline was so well-done and energetically acted by both Tina Louise and Ricardo Montalban that it more than made up for all the nonsense with David Cassidy. The castle was wonderfully creepy and Tina Louise portrayed demonic possession with the best of them. The whole storyline was wonderfully melodramatic and over the top. It also took advantage of the fact that, after three seasons, we’re still not quite sure who Mr. Roarke is. This episode suggests that Roarke has been around for a very long time and that he’s even more powerful than previously hinted.

Thanks to the evil efforts of Elizabeth Bathory, this was one of better episodes of Fantasy Island’s third season. Not even David Cassidy could bring it down.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.14 “Lookalikes/The Winemaker”

Posted on September 12, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Tattoo goes rogue!

Episode 3.14 “Lookalikes/The Winemaker”

(Dir by Lawrence Dobkin, originally aired on December 22nd, 1979)

“Ah. So you thought you would handle her teeny, weeny fantasy your teeny weeny yourself,” Roarke says to Tattoo as they watch a nun depart from the plane and step onto Fantasy Island.

On the one hand, after the past few episodes, I guess we should be glad that Roarke is actually talking to Tattoo again. But, as the comment shows, it’s pretty obvious that Roarke still despises his assistant and Tattoo doesn’t have much respect for Roarke’s authority.

As for the fantasy, it involves Sister Veronica (Celeste Holm), a wine-making nun who wants to enter her wine in the Fantasy Island Wine Tasting Contest and hopefully win enough money to save her orphanage. At first, Roarke is a bit annoyed that Tattoo promised Sister Veronica a fantasy that Roarke is not sure that he can make come true. (Of course, after three seasons, we know that Roarke can do just about anything so, to be honest, Roarke’s objection mostly seems to be about having to do anything to help out Tattoo.) When Roarke tastes Veronica’s wine, he is pleasantly surprised. It’s quite good, he says. However, when he and Tattoo taste the wine a second time, they discover that it’s actually quite bad!

At first, Tattoo tries to substitute a different wine for Sister Veronica’s but Roarke catches him and tells him that the integrity of Fantasy Island cannot be compromised. However, greedy winemaker Armand Fernandel (Ross Martin) decides do to the same thing, switching the label of a bottle of his wine with the label of a bottle of Sister Veronica’s. As a result, Veronica wins the competition but has the win taken away when the judge (Jonathan Harris) discovers that the labels were switched. (Armand doesn’t get the win either, having been disqualifies for cheating.) So, it looks like Veronica’s fantasy is a bust….

….except, amazingly, oil has been discovered on the grounds of the orphanage. Yay! Everything works out and Tattoo is able to keep his promise to Sister Veronica.

As for the other fantasy, it features Ken Berry as Harry Simpson, an Idaho salesman who is convinced he has an exact double and who wants to live the double’s life for a weekend. It’s an oddly specific fantasy but somehow, Roarke pulls it off. (But if Roarke could find Harry’s double and allow Harry to live the double’s life, why couldn’t he fix a wine tasting competition?) It turns out that Harry’s double is a high-living gambler. Harry is excited to live his life until he discovers that his double is in trouble with a gangster (Michael V. Gazzo) and that he owes all of his gambling success to a 12 year-old card reader named Jimmy (Johnny Timko). In order to adopt Jimmy and give him a normal childhood, Harry has to win a game of blackjack on his own. Once again, it’s time to head down to the Fantasy Island casino! Mr. Roarke, of course, will not allow Jimmy to help Harry because the casino has a strict 18 and over age requirement. It’s strange how sometimes, Mr. Roarke is in charge of the casino and how other times, Roarke claims to have absolutely no power over the casino. Personally, I suspect the casino is a money laundering scheme.

This was an enjoyably silly episode, featuring guest stars who appeared to be having a good time. Celeste Holm is convincingly saintly as Sister Veronica while Ross Martin is enjoyably cartoonish as the greedy Armand. Ken Berry is so totally cast against type as a gambler that it actually kind of works. This episode managed to strike a balance between over-the-top silliness and melodrama and, as such, it was an entertaining weekend on the Island.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.13 “The Inventor/On The Other Side”

Posted on September 5, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week’s trip to Fantasy Island is sadly forgettable. Let’s find out why.

Episode 3.13 “The Inventor/On The Other Side”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on December 15th, 1979)

This week, there is no banter between Tattoo and Mr. Roarke before they head off to meet their guests. In fact, Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize barely look at each other. It’s a shame because this is actually a pretty dire episode. It could have used some passive-aggressive Tattoo/Roarke interaction.

The first fantasy features Arte Johnson as Professor Dwayne Clebe and Marcia Wallace as his assistant, Martha Meeks. Professor Clebe is tying to develop a solution that, when sprayed on metal, will make it impervious to damage. When he first arrives at Fantasy Island, the solution is called 2X76409, with the 9 signifying the 9 labs that have been blow up by Clebe’s experiments. By the time he and Martha perfect the solution, it has become the 2X76411. Fear not, no one is injured when the labs blow up. Even though Clebe and Martha are both standing in the middle of these explosions, they always just end up with soot on their face.

Anyway, once the formula is perfected, leaders of both industry and the world’s trade unions travel to Fantasy Island to try to destroy it. The industrialists think that it will drive down prices. The unionists think that it will put people out of work. Eventually, the Russians show up because they want the formula for themselves. It all leads to a big chase and Prof. Clebe realizing that he loves Martha.

The whole fantasy was way too cartoonish and overwritten for its own good and it featured some of the worst acting that I’ve ever seen on Fantasy Island. Let’s move on!

Unfortunately, the other fantasy really isn’t that great either. Irma Gideon (Jeanette Nolan) was the wife of a medium. When he died, he promised that he would contact her from the other side. He hasn’t done so and Irma’s fantasy is to go to the other side, see her husband, and then return. Mr. Roarke arranges for a séance but, when he suspects that Irma is planning on just going to the other side and staying there, he cancels the fantasy. After Irma swears that she won’t stay in “the other side,” Mr. Roarke allows her to enter a death-like trance in a Fantasy Island laboratory. When Irma goes to the Other Side and is tempted to cross a bridge and stay permanently, her grandson (Keith Gordon) enters into a trance of his own so that he can beg her to come back.

It all sounds like it should be interesting but the execution is lacking, with one scene featuring a painting of Irma’s husband speaking to her being so badly done that it makes it impossible to take the rest of the fantasy seriously. Jeanette Nolan and Keith Gordon both give marginally better performances that Arte Johnson and Marcia Wallace did in the other fantasy but, in the end, the whole thing just falls flat.

Well, not every trip to Fantasy Island can be a winner.