The Tiger”

Posted on January 31, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, we’ve got a special, 90-minute episode of Fantasy Island!

Episode 2.7 “Let the Good Times Roll/Nightmare/The Tiger”

(Dir by George McCowan, originally aired on November 4th, 1978)

This week’s supersized episode of Fantasy Island begins with Tattoo revealing that he’s come up with a new way to annoy Mr. Roarke.

Mr, Roarke rolls his eyes and dramatically sighs, especially when Tattoo makes the mistake of assuming that Roarke is a Pisces. (“I am a Sagittarius!” Roarke snaps.) For once, Mr. Roarke is right to be annoyed. There’s no time for this foolishness this week! We’ve got three fantasies to deal with!

For instance, Duke Manducci (Paul Sand) and Ernie “Smooth” Kowalski (Peter Isacksen) want to go back to the 1960s and relive their youth. Duke was once known as the King of the Strip because he could outrace anyone. Now, years later, Duke is just a guy working in a garage. Roarke leads them to an exact recreation of the Strip. The Strip is so perfectly recreated that even Donny Bonaduce shows up to make trouble.

Uh-oh, it turns out that Mr. Roarke has also invited all of Duke’s old friends to come take part in Duke’s fantasy. Except, of course, none of them know that Duke is still working at the same gas station that he worked at as a teenager. Duke ends up telling a lot of lies in order to convince them that he’s made a success of himself. But when he falls for Sheila Crane (Mary Ann Mobley), he realizes that it’s time to be honest. And when Bonaduce challenges him to a race, Duke eventually realizes that his racing days are over and it’s time for him to be a grown-up. Duke not only learns an important lesson but he’s also offered a job working on a NASCAR pit crew. Yay!

Meanwhile, Janine Sanford (Pamela Franklin) is haunted by a recurring nightmare. She always has the dream at midnight and she’s never made it to the end of the dream without waking up. She travels to Fantasy Island with her husband (Brett Halsey, who later starred in Fulci’s Touch of Death) and her father (Ray Milland). Her fantasy is see how her nightmare ends. Mr. Roarke takes her to what he calls the Nightmare House.

And, oh my God, this nightmare is seriously freaky! We see it twice. It involves Janine watching as all of her childhood toys catch on fire. There’s even a clown that comes to life and go crazy at one point.

Janine’s father is convinced that the dream is linked to some sort of past trauma and he fears that Janine will be hurt if she relives it.

It turns out the joke’s on him! Janine’s nightmare is not about the past but the future. It turns out that it was warning her that her father was going to be trapped in a fire. When her father is indeed trapped in a fire, Janine is able to rescue him. Yay! What a great fantasy and I love a happy ending. This fantasy is handled so well that it takes a while to realize that the show just kind of dropped the whole idea of Janine suffering from past trauma, despite the fact that her father seemed really worried about what she might end up remembering.

Finally, for our third fantasy, Victor Duncan (Darren McGavin) is a Hemingwayesque writer who wants to go to India so he can hunt a legendary tiger. How do you think that works out for him?

Yep, the tiger kills him.

Fear not, though! Mr. Roarke explains to Tattoo that Victor was actually terminally ill and his fantasy was to die on Fantasy Island. So, I guess that’s a happy ending.

I actually liked this episode, if just because it was throwback to season one when all of the fantasies were linked by a common theme. Here the link is aging and growing up. Duke and Victor both have to deal with the fact that they’re no longer young men. Janine manages to put her nightmare behind her and move on. These three fantasies all seemed to belong together, so there were none of the strange tonal shifts that I’ve noticed in some of the other episodes. All in all, this was a good trip to Fantasy Island.

Music Video of the Day: Por el Resto de tu Vida by Christian Nodal (2023, dir by Facundo Ballve)

Posted on January 31, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Reminding us that music is truly the international language (along with love, of course — never accuse me of forgetting about love!), today’s music video of the day comes to us from Argentina!

Enjoy!

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 3.15 “Teen Mom” and 3.16 “Midnight Basketball”

Posted on January 30, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

The saga of Indiana’s greatest basketball team continues. I’ll always remember me and my friends at Hang Time….

Episode 3.15 “Teen Mom”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 1st, 1997)

Danny’s latest girlfriend, Sarah, is a teen mom! Danny decides that, since he loves Sarah and he loves her son Max, he wants to marry her. Sarah turns him down and Danny says that if she ever needs a babysitter, she knows who to call. Then he leaves her house, alone.

Wow, what a depressing episode! Give some credit to Chad Gabriel, who gives a good performance and who proves that he deserved to headline more episodes of this series than he did but still, this was definitely not a cheery episode.

Fortunately, there is a comedic B-plot, in which Kristy gets addicted to playing a video game called Killer Klown. It causes her to miss a photo shoot but … oh well! KILLER KLOWN!

Episode 3.16 “Midnight Basketball”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 1st, 1997)

In a storyline that was used in not just one but three different episodes of Saved By The Bell, the school starts a teen line!

Coach Fuller takes charge of the teen line and, of course, the operators are the members of the basketball team. Despite the fact that they went out on a date just two episodes ago, Michael is not sure that Julie likes him and Julie isn’t sure that Michael likes her. They each call the teen line for advice. Mary Beth tells Julie to throw herself at Michael. Danny tells Michael to ignore Julie and “play hard to get.” It’s terrible advice and it leads to a lot of confusion. Eventually, Julie figures out why Michael has been ignoring her and they end up kissing while the audience goes wild. Doesn’t anyone remember how badly all of Julie’s relationships tend to end?

Meanwhile, Teddy befriends a caller named Eric. Eric keeps getting into fights because there’s nothing for him and his friends to do at night. Breaking the rules of Teen Line (much as Zach Morris once did), Teddy meets with Eric. Taking sympathy on Eric, Teddy arranges for a midnight basketball game at Deering High. Eric and his friends are defeated and thoroughly humiliated by the Tornadoes. Needless to say, Eric is not happy about that and he trashes the team’s locker room. To be honest, I don’t blame Eric. How are you going to invite people to your gym and then humiliate them in the middle of the night?

That said, after a heart-to-heart with Teddy, Eric returns to Deering to help clean up the locker room. Teddy promises to mentor Eric. We will probably never see Eric again.

I have to say that, even on a show like Hang Time, Anthony Anderson was already a good actor. There’s a lot of heart and sincerity in his performance here and it makes the episode work even when it shouldn’t.

Music Video of the Day: Lavender Haze by Taylor Swift (2023, dir by Taylor Swift)

Posted on January 30, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

With this video, Taylor not only sings and stars but she also directs! Is there nothing that Taylor Swift can’t do?

Because I’m a natural contrarian, I’ve looked for a lot of excuses to dislike Taylor Swift but I just can’t. She’s just too damn likable.

Enjoy!

Retro Television Reviews: Hitchhike! (dir by Gordon Hessler)

Posted on January 29, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1974’s Hitchhike! It can be viewed on YouTube!

Claire Stevens (Cloris Leachman) is an emotionally vulnerable woman who is dealing with her loneliness and depression by driving to San Francisco to visit her sister. As she’s driving, she spots a young man named Keith (Michael Brandon). Keith is standing on the side of the road and holding out his thumb. At first, Claire does the smart thing and she drives by him without stopping. However, Claire starts to feel guilty so she turns around and — NO, CLAIRE! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!? — offers him a ride. It turns out that he’s going to San Francisco as well!

At first, the drive is awkward. Keith says that he doesn’t want to talk and he doesn’t appreciate it when Claire tries to make him listen to the classical music station. But, as they drive, Keith starts to let down his defenses. He says that he wishes that he could just sail away on the ocean. He encourages Claire to embrace life and to just go for it. They stop at a pier and have lunch. Claire buys Keith a silly white hat and she places it on his head because, as she puts it, “it’s cute.” Keith argues with her but he doesn’t take off the hat. However, when Keith spots some cops, he immediately leads Claire away from them.

The viewer watches all of this with a sense of dread because the viewer knows what Claire doesn’t. The viewer knows that Keith is the son of a wealthy man. The viewer knows that Keith had been having an affair with his stepmother, who was only a few years older than Keith. And the viewer knows that Keith murdered his stepmother with the same weapon that he’s currently carrying in his bag. The police are looking for Keith and Keith is willing to do just about anything to stay free.

I have to admit that I yelled a little when Claire offered Keith a ride because it was such an obviously stupid thing to do. Everyone knows that it’s never a good idea to pick up a hitchhiker. And, if you’re a woman who is driving down an isolated road by yourself, the last thing you should ever do is offer a ride to some strange man standing on the side of the road. Claire’s actions were foolish but, because she was played by Cloris Leachman, it was still hard not to sympathize with her. Claire is someone who feels as if she’s been abandoned by the world and, quite obviously, she sees Keith as a kindred spirit. Over the course of their journey, it becomes obvious that Claire is using Keith as a substitute for what she’s missing in her life. He becomes both a son and a companion to her. Unfortunately, Keith tends to go into a rage whenever he sense anyone getting too close to him.

Hitchhike! is a short movie and, for all the dramatic build-up, it ends on a rather anti-climatic note. Cameron Mitchell shows up as a detective who is looking for Claire and Keith and he gives a mannered performance that is oddly over-the-top by even his generous standards. That said, Michael Brandon has the blandly handsome look of a generic but charming serial killer while Cloris Leachman gives a credible and sympathetic performance as Claire. If nothing else, this film can be watched with The Hitcher as a double feature. Never stop your car for anyone!

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 1/22/23 — 1/28/23

Posted on January 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Here are some thoughts on what I watched this week!

(I’ve got a headache coming on so excuse the bland intro.)

Accused (Tuesday Night, FOX)

The latest new legal show is Accused. Based on a BBC series, Accused is an anthology series in which, each week, a different person is accused of a crime and, through the use of flashbacks, we see how they came to be accused. Anthology series tend to be rather uneven and I have a feeling that’s going to be the case with Accused.

The first episode featured Michael Chiklis as a wimpy Dad who went from plotting to kill his son to giving his son a lot of money so his son could go on a trip to Iceland. Of course, it turned out that his son was lying and he instead used that money to buy a bunch of guns and shoot up his school. Chiklis was found to be irresponsible but not legally liable. It was a bit of a bland episode but, reportedly, it set a record for the number of people who watched. (Of course, it also aired right after the Cowboys/49ers game.) Michael Chiklis was miscast as a father who was too meek to stand up to his obviously unstable son. And even if the role had been perfectly cast, the father was still too much of wimp to generate much sympathy.

The second episode was directed by actress Marlee Matlin and it was a little bit on improvement over the first episode. It dealt with a couple who discovered that their newborn was deaf and their surrogate, who was also deaf and felt that she had to intervene to keep the parents from subjecting the child to a surgical procedure. Matlin’s direction elevated the episode, especially the opening scene in which Matlin showed the viewer what it was like to live in a world without sound. That said, the anthology format still left me feeling as if the episode was a bit inconsistent. Basically, an entire season’s worth of information was crammed into 45 minutes. I didn’t quite buy the episode’s ending, either.

As far as the show as a whole is concerned, we’ll see. I’ll probably watch the next few episodes, just to see if I’m correct in my assumptions. Hopefully, the season will shape up to be better than I’m currently expecting.

American Auto (Tuesday Night, NBC)

I think that Tuesday night was the first time that I’ve ever watched American Auto and I hate to say it but I was so busy cleaning the house that I mostly just used it for background noise. So, I really don’t have any thoughts on this show beyond the fact that Ana Gasteyer is funny.

The Bachelor (Monday Night, ABC)

Zach is the new bachelor and oh my God is he bland. Zach met the women vying to become his wife and he also got some advice from former bachelor Sean Lowe. The show is always happy to bring back Sean because, after 26 seasons, he is the sole Bachelor success story. Anyway, Zach assured us that he is on the show for the right reasons and hopefully, he will find his future wife amongst the bachelorettes.

The Brady Bunch Hour (YouTube)

I wrote about the 2nd episode of the Brady Bunch Hour here!

Customer Wars (Wednesday Morning, A&E)

This show features footage of customers getting into fights with other customers and yelling at the employees of the stores where they shop. Ugh. A&E did a mini-marathon on Wednesday morning and I watched a few episodes because I was waiting for the new episode of Accused to drop on Hulu. It was hella depressing. There’s a lot of trashy people out there.

Personally, I’d rather see a show called Costumer Wars.

Football Game: Cowboys vs 49ers (Sunday Night, FOX)

I watched this game with Erin. The Cowboys lost so I guess winter is going to last for another six months or something. In the past, whenever the Cowboys lost, everyone in Dallas would be depressed for weeks afterwards but this year, no one seems to really care. I guess everyone’s used to it.

Hell’s Kitchen (Thursday Night, FOX)

The first Black Jacket dinner service turned out to be an utter disaster as the Fab Five totally fell apart in the kitchen. When Chef Ramsay kicks everyone out of the kitchen, does that mean all of the diners just have to go home without getting any food? I’ve always wondered this.

Law & Order (Thursday Night, FOX)

I didn’t pay much attention to Law & Order this week. I mostly just had it in for background noise while I was doing some stuff around the house. I noticed that it was a murder trial and the accused was a teenager so I’m guessing the internet was to blame. I also noticed that the judge really got into banging down that gavel. Seriously, I jumped every time that I heard it.

The Most Comfortable Bra You Will Ever Own (Monday Night, Infomercial)

I’m pretty sure that I already have the most comfortable bra that I will ever own.

Neighborhood Wars (Tuesday Night, A&E)

This is a show about feuding neighbors. Like most of A&E’s other true crime shows, it makes heavy use of footage taken from drones, cell phones, and home security cameras. The episode that I saw was a look at the “ten most memorable moments of Neighborhood Wars.” To be honest, it was kind of a depressing show to watch. All of the people featured were trashy, stupid, ugly, and inarticulate. “Get your fucking bitch ass out here!” one pregnant woman yelled at her neighbor. Ugh.

Night Court (Tuesday Night, NBC)

Eh. Is it really necessary for Abbi to be a recovering alcoholic? Do people watch sitcoms to be depressed?

Parking Wars (Weekday Morning, A&E)

I watched two episodes on Tuesday morning while I was waiting for the Oscar nominations to be announced and, not surprisingly, Parking Wars was just as obnoxious as I remembered. I know the show is over ten years old now and I hope that means that the Philadelphia Parking Authority finally did something about the ugly décor of the majority of their buildings. If you don’t want people to think they’re living in an authoritarian nightmare, try not to work out of offices decorated in the mid-50s communist style.

Survivor: Redemption Island (Hulu)

This old season of Survivor, featuring Boston Rob and Russell Hantz and introducing the concept of Redemption Island, is now on Hulu. I watched the first episode and it was kind of nice to be reminded of how much fun Survivor was before its post-COVID facelift.

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 3.12 “Harley and the Marlboro Man” and 3.13 “Rebel Without A Nerve”

Posted on January 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, it’s all about Jake trying to retain his cool.

Episode 3.12 “Harley and the Marlboro Man”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on December 3rd, 1994)

“You can’t hide your smoking behind tic tacs and old spice!”

Yes, it’s time for another TNBC anti-smoking episode. In California Dreams, Jake Summers starts to smoke after he see his super cool Uncle Frank lighting a cigarette. Soon, Jake is totally addicted. He can’t stop! It doesn’t matter how many times the members of the band make him look at a picture of a cancerous lung. It doesn’t matter that Lorena won’t kiss him. It doesn’t matter that no one wants to be a friend with a smoker. After smoking for one week, Jake Summers is hopelessly addicted. He’s got the nicotine monkey on his back! But then Frank shows up and says, “I’m dying Jake.”

Good Lord, this was heavy-handed. This is actually the second time that I’ve watched and written about this episode and my reaction to episode pretty much remains the same. I simply cannot believe that Jake Summers, an aspiring rocker who has spent his entire life hanging out with motorcyclists, never smoked a cigarette until he saw his Uncle Frank light up. The Dreams themselves acted as if smoking a cigarette was the most scandalous thing in the world. So, I guess no one smoked weed in 1990s California? No one did cocaine in 1990s California? None of the other bands at the Battle of the Bands ducked behind Sharkey’s to have a cigarette? Seriously, there’s a difference between not liking cigarettes and being unbelievably naïve. At one point, Tiffani says that nicotine is more addictive than crack cocaine. I’ve seen several David Simon-produced shows and I just don’t believe that.

Anyway, the Dreams deal with this problem in the same way that they deal with everything. They throw a benefit concert at Sharkey’s.

Episode 3.13 “Rebel Without A Nerve”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on December 10th, 1994)

Jake Summers is afraid he’s losing his cool!

Not only is there a new kid at school who is talking about Jake behind his back but Jake has twice crashed his motorcycle! With his confidence shaken, Jake decides that it would be safer to accept Principal Blumford’s offer to join the school safety patrol! Just as he was in Budget Cuts, Blumford is played Earl Boen. In this episode, there’s yet another shoutout to Boen’s role in the Terminator films when Boen tells a photographer that some people have mistaken him for Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Anyway, Jake eventually realizes how dorky he looks wearing the safety monitor sash so he decides to challenge the new kid to racing the infamous “Coolman’s Curve,” which is apparently the most dangerous road in California. The new kid backs down and Jake is once again proclaimed the coolest student at Pacific Coast High. Yay!

This episode was incredibly silly but, in its way, it worked. Jake continually crashing his bike made me laugh a little more than it should have. What made the joke work was that all of the accidents were due to an inconvenient speed dump that had been put in the parking lot by the safety patrol. Safety Week turned out to be the most dangerous week in California.

The important thing is that Jake did not lose his cool and, as a result, was allowed to continue living his California dream.

Film Review: You People (dir by Kenya Barris)

Posted on January 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Ezra Cohen (Jonah Hill) and Amirah Mohammed (Lauren London) have been dating for six months. Ezra is a Jewish atheist who works at a brokerage firm but who says his lifelong dream has been to be a podcaster. Lauren is Black and a devout Muslim. A graduate of Howard University, she is pursuing a career as a designer. Despite coming from very different backgrounds, Ezra and Amirah are deeply in love and want to get married. However, becoming engaged also means …. MEETING THE PARENTS!

Shelley and Arnold Cohen (played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus and David Duchovny) are self-styled progressives who immediately embarrass Ezra by going out of their way to trying to show how liberal and non-racist they are. Shelley, in particular, goes out of her way to bond with Amirah but it’s immediately obvious that Shelley views Amirah as being more someone to show off than as an actual human being. Meanwhile, Akbar Mohammed and Fatima Mohammed (played by Eddie Murphy and Nia Long) are members of the Nation of Islam who admire Louis Farrakhan and who claim that the Jews were behind the slave trade.

Just from that plot description, you can see a huge part of the problem with the new film, You People. Whereas Shelley’s problem is that she’s too quick to brag about how much she loves the idea of having a black daughter-in-law, Akbar’s problem is that he’s an anti-Semite. His main objections to Ezra are that 1) Ezra isn’t black and 2) Ezra’s Jewish. While Shelley takes Amirah shopping, Akbar tries to get Ezra killed by tricking him into wearing “the wrong colors” to a barbershop. While Shelley shows off Amirah to all of her liberal friends, Akbar shoves Ezra onto a basketball court. While Shelley is awkwardly trying to prove that she’s an ally, Akbar is inviting himself to Ezra’s wild Las Vegas bachelor party. (Akbar is disturbed to discover that Ezra has a “coke guy.” If this film had been made ten years ago, Ezra would have had a weed guy and it would have been easier to buy the film’s contention that Akbar is being unreasonable.) Shelley is certainly obnoxious and she fully deserves to get called out for her behavior. But Akbar is an anti-Semite who peddles the type of conspiracy theories that have been at the center of the alarming rise in recent hate crimes. Whereas Shelley is clueless, Akbar is actually malicious. And while that’s a story that one certainly could try to tell, it also makes it a bit difficult to buy the film’s fanciful ending. The movie ultimately can’t decide if it wants to be a fearless satire of race relations or a feel-good romcom. The tone of the film switches from scene to scene and Kenya Barris’s direction is so inconsistent that he makes Judd Apatow look like a disciplined filmmaker by comparison.

The cast is full of talent but the characters are largely one-dimensional. Jonah Hill is undoubtedly a good actor but he’s also nearly 40 years old and, with his full beard, he looks about ten years older, which makes it a bit hard to believe that he would be that concerned with getting the approval of his future in-laws. At first, a role of Akbar would seem ideal for Eddie Murphy but, with the exception of a scene where Akbar quizzes Ezra on his favorite Jay-Z song in an attempt to trick Ezra into saying the “n-word,” Murphy doesn’t really get to do much other than stand around with a pained expression on his face. Probably the most interesting performance in the film comes from Mike Epps, who plays Akbar’s brother and who is one of the few characters willing to call everyone out on their hypocrisy. But, unfortunately, Epps is only in a handful of scenes and the film uses him as more of a dramatic device than a fully rounded character.

As I watched You People, I couldn’t help but think about another film about an interracial wedding, Rachel Getting Married. That film provided a believable and multi-layered look at two different cultures coming together. You People, however, can’t quite make up its mind what it believes or what it wants to say and, unfortunately, what it does say is often said with a surprising lack of self-awareness. At times, it’s so proud of itself that it feels like it almost could have been written by Shelley Cohen.

You People is streaming on Netflix.

Music Video of the Day: Wasted by Diplo, feat. Kodak Black and Koe Wetzel (2023, dir by Austin Peters)

Posted on January 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Get out there and celebrate your weekend, like these folks!

Enjoy!

Retro Television Reviews: The Brady Bunch Hour 1.2

Posted on January 27, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing The Brady Bunch Hour, which ran on ABC from 1976 to 1977. All nine episodes can be found on YouTube!

Following the rating success of the pilot for the Brady Bunch Variety Hour, ABC decided to bite the bullet and the Bradys returned to the airwaves!

*Deep sigh*

Okay, let’s do this….

Episode 1.2

(Originally aired on January 23, 1977, Dir by Jack Regas)

I’ve discovered that the dancers who performed on each episode of The Brady Bunch Hour were known as the Kroftettes. (The show as produced by Sid and Marty Kroft and there is definitely nothing creepy about naming your performers after yourself.) The second episode of the Brady Bunch Hour opened with the Kroftettes dressed in red, white, and blue and carrying small drums. It would be a perfect look for the 4th of July but this episode aired in January.

The dancers eventually move off stage and the audience goes crazy as the announcer informs them that tonight’s episode not only stars the Bradys but also Lee Majors, Farrah Fawcett-Majors, Rip Taylor, Ann B. Davis, and …. Kaptian Kool and the Kong! Well, who wouldn’t be excited by the Kong? The Kong was apparently a musical group. With a name like that, you would hope they would at least have the decency to dress up like gorillas but instead, they appear to have just been a typical 70s prog rock outfit.

The Bradys come out on stage and start awkwardly singing a rock version of Yankee Doodle Dandy. The YouTube screenshot below isn’t the best but I think it gives you some idea of what this performance is like:

“Yankee Doodle …. Keep it up!” the family chants as the Kroftettes splash about in the pool. The audience loves it.

With the song completed, the Brady Bunch introduce themselves. Greg spends too long talking about himself and is sharply reprimanded by Carol. Cindy explains that it is now 1977. Thanks, Cindy! Fake Jan smiles and tries not to cry as she jokes around with her new family. Mike Brady explains that the Bunch has a new house. “We have a terrific new show!” Mike says. Sure you do, Mike. Carol explains that the show will only be airing once a month. “We’re only a few minutes in and we’ve already been canceled!?” Mike says.

After a reprise of Yankee Doodle Dandy, the show mercifully breaks for commercial. When the show returns, the Bradys are stepping into their new home and discovering that they have no furniture! The movers ran off with it! Luckily, Alice the Maid randomly shows up with a bunch of sleeping bags.

“Well, Mike,” Carol says, “what do we do now?”

“The only thing we can do,” Mike replies, “is hit the sack.”

Every member of the Bunch hits their sleeping bag. 9 minutes in and this show is already giving me a migraine.

Fortunately, the moving man shows up. Unfortunately, the moving man is played by a very 70s comedian named Rip Taylor.

Rip Taylor is playing Mr, Merrill. Merrill refuses to take any blame for being late with the furniture. Carol suggests that Mr. Merrill come back tomorrow. Do they want their furniture or not? Well, it really doesn’t matter because it turns out that Mr. Merrill has some other family’s furniture in his truck and the Brady furniture is still missing. Mr. Merrill promises to have their furniture tomorrow. “Let’s hit the sack,” Mike says and everyone hits their sleep bag and ….. ARRRRRRRGHHHHH!

Where was I?

Anyway, the Bradys then sing Razzle Dazzle from Chicago, with all the skill of a small town community theater chorus.

Back at the Brady House, Alice scolds Marcia for hoarding all of her dolls. Alice tells her that everyone is having to give things up. Uhmmm …. they’re just dolls, Alice. And really, why is Alice giving Marcia orders? Marcia imagines Alice as the Wicked Witch of the West and then imagines herself as Dorothy and performing Car Wash with her brothers and Rip Taylor …. wait, what? Just watch for yourself.

Hey, who doesn’t love cocaine?

Fake Jan and Peter appear and explain that the Bradys eventually got their furniture. “Look at what happened!” Peter says. We cut to the family watching Mike hang an ugly painting over the fireplace. Mike orders everyone to go to bed at 8 pm. Greg objects and Mike threatens to kill him.

Alice explains that Mike wants the kids to go to bed so that he and Carol can make love in the living room. No sooner have the children (and the maid) left than Rip Taylor shows up again and explains that he’s also the Bunch’s landlord. He says that a lovely couple is going to be staying with the Bradys over the weekend. Enter Lee Majors and Farrah Fawcett! Lee is not amused to discover that Rip Taylor has double-booked the house. “Don’t hit me, you bionic bully!” Rip Taylor shouts. When Lee explains that his other house is being fumigated, Carol says that Lee and Farrah are “welcome to stay here with us.” RUN, LEE AND FARRAH! RUN!

After a commercial break, Carol welcomes the audience back to the second half of the show. Oh my God, there’s another 30 minutes of this? “I like that we can show you the way we really are at home,” Carol says.

Back at home, the Brady kids are getting their breakfast and are stunned to discover Lee Majors and Farrah Fawcett asleep on the living room couches. (Yes, they have separate couches.) When Farrah and Lee wake up, Greg awkwardly asks for an autograph. “I don’t carry a pen in my pajamas,” Lee explains. Alice comes in and is struck speechless.

Cut to Marcia, explaining that “one of the great things about having our own show is that we get to showcase the individual talents of our family.” Marcia introduced Fake Jan, who performs Your Song. It’s the highlight of the episode because Geri Reischl, not being an original Brady, can actually sing.

Fake Jan is followed by Carol who sings Send In The Clowns, which is the type of song that is perfectly designed to bring out the worst tendencies in even the most talented of singers. That certainly happens to Florence Henderson, who has a great voice but who also totally overdoes the bathos in her performance.

Greg catches Peter flirting with a Kroftette. Greg shoves Peter in the pool. Kaptain Kool and the Kong come out and perform a song called Names. It’s not a bad song but I have to admit that I’m more worried about the possibility of Peter breaking his neck the next time his older brother throws him in the pool without warning.

It’s time for the finale and Mike asks Carol why the stage is decorated with hearts. “It’s not Valentine’s Day,” Mike says, as if he and his family didn’t open this show by celebrating Independence Day in January. Carol explains that the theme of the finale is “Young and Old.” “Young and Old hearts?” Mike asks. DAMMIT, MIKE, JUST SHUT UP AND SING!

Anyway, much as with the Wizard of Oz/Car Wash thing, this is one of those things that can’t really be described. But it can be watched:

And then, thank God, it ends!

A huge flaw with this show is that the Bradys keep telling us how much they love being a family but we know they’re not a family. We know this because they brought in a substitute Jan. As such, the sentimental moments fall flat. “We’re so proud of our sister,” the kids say before Jan comes out to sing but seriously, we know that’s not Jan. I would much rather listen to Geri Reischl sing than any other member of the Bunch but it doesn’t change the fact that we know that’s not their sister.

Another flaw is that there’s not really any point to the show, other than the Bradys have somehow managed to get their own variety show. The whole thing with Lee Majors and Farrah Fawcett is perfect example of this show’s approach to storytelling. Lee and Farrah show up at the house unannounced but it’s fine because the Bradys live in a world with zero conflict. Lee and Farrah show up. The kids are shocked. Alice is shocked. And …. well, that’s it! So much for that plotline.

Oh well. Only 7 episodes left!