Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 2.18 “The Offering”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

This week features the most fearsome monster yet.

Episode 2.18 “The Offering”

(Dir by Ernest Farino, originally aired on February 18th, 1990)

After a serious auto accident, Lewis (Robert Krantz) wakes up in a hospital with a bandage wrapped around his head.  Dr. Hubbard (Orson Bean) tells Lewis that he’s suffered a concussion and must rest.  All Lewis wants to know is whether or not his mother’s surgery went okay.  Dr. Hubbard sighs and says that they were not able to get all of the cancer.

Lewis’s comatose mother is a patient at the same hospital and, when Lewis sneaks into her room to visit with her, he’s shocked to discover that he can see a giant insect-like creature that is hovering over the bed and producing slugs that are burrowing under his mother’s skin.  Lewis sees the same thing when he looks at other cancer patients but Dr. Hubbard insists that Lewis is only having hallucinations.

In order to try to help Lewis come to terms with both his accident and his mother’s cancer, Dr. Hubbard allows Lewis to watch as a patient undergoes radiation treatment.  Lewis is the only one who can see that the slugs are drawn to the radiation and will leave a patient’s body to find the source of it.  Still unable to convince Hubbard that what he’s seeing is real, Lewis sneaks out his room, steals a radioactive isotope, and prepares to make the ultimate sacrifice to save his mother.

The Offering is a return to form for Monsters.  Full of atmosphere and featuring a genuinely disturbing set of monsters, this is an effective and well-acted episode that works because it captures the helplessness that everyone will feels when a family member or loved one is seriously ill.  I lost my mother to cancer and my father to Parkinson’s, two diseases that are still not as understood as they should be.  Like Lewis, I spent a lot of time wishing that I could somehow just see and understand what was causing their illnesses so that I could know how to save them.  Cancer and Parkinson’s and dementia are all monsters that we wish we could just squash under our heel as easily as we could a bug.

In the end, Lewis eats a glowing radioactive isotope so that all of the cancer slugs will be drawn to his body.  Couldn’t he have just used the isotope to lead the slugs out into the middle of the street or something?  Lewis offers up his own life to save his mother.  It reminds me of the old Norm McDonald joke, that dying of cancer is the equivalent of beating cancer because the cancer dies with you.  That’s a good way to look at it.  Cancer never wins.

The TSL Horror Grindhouse: Fraternity Demon (dir by C.B. Rubin)


In 1992’s Fraternity Demon, Isha (Trixxie Bowie) is a succubus who is summoned into the real world by a nerdy frat boy who is doing something with a personal computer.  To be honest, I’m not totally sure what nerdy Dave (Al Darrouch) did to summon the succubus but she shows up in the real world and proceeds to have softcore sex with some 30 year-old frat boys in her quest to find Dave.

To be honest, I should have stopped this film as soon as I saw the New York skyline and “Troma Presents” at the start of it.  I’ve seen enough Troma films that I knew exactly what I was getting myself into but I kept watching the film just in case it turned out to be some sort of lost masterpiece.  Unfortunately, the film turned out to just be another boring Troma softcore film, featuring bad acting, bad humor, and terrible sound quality.  I honestly cannot begin to put into words just how wooden most of the acting was.  This was apparently C.B. Rubin’s only film as a director and watching the film, one can see why.  Fraternity Demon is an 86 minute film that feels like four hours, largely because the director obviously had no idea how to tell a story cinematically.

That said, I stuck with the film because everything that I read about Fraternity Demon said that the film was worth sitting through for the performance of Shock-Ra, the band that plays the fraternity party.  And I will say that I did like Sh0ck-Ra.  They reminded me a bit of X, the Los Angeles punk band that I’ve been obsessed with ever since I watched The Decline of Western Civilization a few months ago.  Speaking of punk, the film features a character who apparently lives on the front steps of the frat house.  He wears a Black Flag t-shirt and he growls at people.  He was probably the best actor in the film, assuming that he was an actor and not just some guy who the director couldn’t convince to leave.

Let’s see, what else was amusing in this film?  The fraternity was named SUX.  The sorority was named ASS.  That was pretty dumb but it made me laugh because, when I get delirious in my boredom, I tend to laugh at dumb things.  Nerdy Dave and his potential girlfriend, Kelly (Deborah Carlin), were kind of a cute couple.  One of the sorority girls comments that she likes a shy guy that she’s seen in at the frat house.  Kelly immediately says, “Dave?” because, of course, frat houses are only allowed to have one shy guy.

I initially assumed that Trixxie Bowie was an adult actress slumming in a Troma softcore flick but it turns out that Fraternity Demon was her only film role.  She made her debut as a star and then she never made another film.  Her performance in this film isn’t particularly good but she does manage to get off a few good one-liners.

Is that 500 words yet?  It is?  Good, let’s end this review.

Seriously, no more Troma films for me….

Horror on TV: One Step Beyond 2.24 “The Mask” (dir by John Newland)


For today’s episode of One Step Beyond, we have The Mask.

In The Mask, a World War II-era fighter pilot crashes in the Sahara.  Though he’s eventually rescued, he’s forced to wear a mask while recovering from his injuries.  When the mask is removed, everyone is shocked to discover that Lt. Harold Wilesnki not only look like an ancient Egyptian prince but he also seems to have the prince’s memories as well!

The Mask originally aired on March 1st, 1960.

Enjoy!

October Hacks: Hellweek (Dir by Eddie Lengyel)


It’s open season on frat boy douchebags in 2010’s Hellweek!

And seriously, who’s going to complain about that?  Seriously, I’ve watched a lot of low-budget slasher films and I’m usually willing to cut them a lot of slack, especially when it comes to the generic characters who tend to populate them.  I mean, that’s just the genre.  Most of the money in the budget is going to go to fake blood and plastic body parts.  The gore comes first in movies like this because the gore is what people are going to remember.  For the most part, the casts of these films are made up by either regional actors or complete amateurs.  Sometimes, they’re likeable and I always appreciate that.  But, at the same time, I’m not going to make a big deal out of a less-than-compelling performance in a low-budget slasher film.  That said, Hellweek featured some of the most repellent characters that I’ve ever seen.  Seriously, this is a movie where one guy loudly announces, “It’s pussy time!” before jumping on a bed.  It’s a movie where two other guys say, “Let’s go talk to these cumbuckets,” while at a party.  This film features some of the least likable characters that I’ve ever seen.  Of course, most of them end up dying but still….

The killers in this particular film are a family of inbred hillbillies, who all wear masks and kill anyone stupid enough to enter the warehouse that they call home.  “Let’s show her some Southern hospitality!” the patriarch of the family announces at one point.  One member of the family wears a clown mask and plays an organ.  Another jumps up and down and claps whenever someone is being tortured.  They’re not really a family that you would want to live next to, though for a bunch of weirdos roughing it in an abandoned warehouse, they’re clothes were remarkably clean.  This isn’t like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, where you looked at the family and automatically imagined the odor of sweet, blood, and chicken feathers.  Instead, you look at the family and you wonder which local community theater donated the costumes.

It takes a while for the film’s victims to make their way to the warehouse.  Nearly the entire first hour is padding, with the frat boys arguing amongst themselves and with their girlfriends.  One of the girlfriends describes a disturbing dream that she had.  Another has a flashback to a murder that happened when she was younger.  They argue amongst each other.  They go to boring parties.  They have too much to drink.  At one point, they visit a psychic.  It doesn’t really add up to much because it’s just there to pad out the running time.

The second hour (and this film runs for an unwieldy 117 minutes) is an improvement on the first, if just because the killers show up and finally give the plot some sort of direction.  Again, this is a low-budget film and it’s obvious that the majority of the budget was spent on the gore.  Some of it is effectively icky.  Some of it is so obviously fake that I couldn’t help but laugh once I looked up from the pillow I was hiding behind.  The warehouse is an effectively creepy location so I’ll give the film some credit for that.  I’ll give it another point for featuring a lead character whose hair was red just like mine.

Overall, Hellweek is forgettable, even by the low-budget slasher standards.

 

October True Crime: Smiley Face Killers (dir by Tim Hunter)


“Okay, you need to go back on your meds….”

“Kaeen, I am on my meds.”

That exchange, between college student Jake (Ronen Rubinstein) and his girlfriend, Keren (Mia Serafino), pretty much sums up 2020’s Smiley Face Killers.  It’s a study of modern paranoia, in which Jake thinks — with good reason — that he’s being stalked and all of his friends think that he just needs to take more of his meds.  The fact that a lot of very weird things are happening to Jake doesn’t really matter to his friends.  They’ve decided that any and all problems are linked somehow to taking meds.  “Take your meds” is the only solution that they can offer up.  It’s empty advice but it’s also advice that makes them feel absolved about going to parties and obsessing on their own petty dramas while Jake essentially loses his mind.

Jake suspects that he’s being stalked and that his phone is being hacked and that someone wants to kill him.  He’s absolutely right about that.  The majority of the film follows Jake as he tries to get someone — anyone — to accept that he’s right to be paranoid.  The film may have been sold as Eli Roth-style torture porn or as a postmodern slasher movie but, instead, it’s a study in isolation.  Jake is being stalked by the Smiley Face Killers for reasons that are never made particularly clear.  That said, one gets the feeling that, if the Smiley Face Killers didn’t get Jake, some other group of homicidal lunatics would have.  It’s a dangerous world out there and Jake has obviously pissed off the forces of fate.

Who are the Smiley Face Killers?  The film’s opening credits refer to them as being an urban legend, though I think that gives the whole Smiley Face Killer thing too much credit.  Over the years, there have been several incidents of college students drowning.  All of the students were male.  All of them were athletic.  The majority of them were members of fraternities.  Two retired homicide cops noted that smiley face graffiti was present at many of the “crime scenes” and they came up with a theory that these students were being purposefully drowned by a cult who used the smiley face as their calling card.  It’s a ludicrous theory but one that was embraced by some grieving parents who were still trying to understand how their child could have possibly died when he had his entire future ahead of him.

Of course, it’s far more probable that there is no cult.  The fact of the matter is that the smiley face is a universal symbol and it’s one that you can find drawn or painted just about anywhere.  As well, the majority of the victims were described as being drunk when last seen alive.  College students — especially frat boys — have a tendency to drink more than they can handle.  When a college happens to be near a river or even a creek, it’s a sad of fact of life that there’s a chance of someone stumbling into the water during the night.  That’s especially true if that person is drunk.  No parents wants to admit that their child died because he didn’t know when to say when, leaving them susceptible to conspiracy theories about cults.  Dr. Phil did an entire show on the Smiley Face Killer theory.  Oprah’s network aired an entire docuseries about the theory and pretty much presented it as a fact.  Both of them exploited the grief of the parents for ratings.  Shame on both of them.

As for the movie, it’s actually weirdly effective.  Screenwriter Bret Easton Ellis and director Tim Hunter (who also did the similarly dark River’s Edge) do a good job of capturing the paranoia of everyday life.  Jake is pretty much doomed from the minute we see him but the film holds our interest by showing how everyone but Jake has essentially closed their eyes to what’s happening in front of them.  In the end, Jake has no control over his fate, whether he’s taking his meds or not.

Bonus Horror Song of the Day: Electronic Battle Weapon 7 (Acid Children) by The Chemical Brothers


“You are all my children now.”

Hey, does that voice sound familiar?  Who would have thought you could dance to Freddy Krueger?

Some people have told me that they find the clown in this video to even scarier than Freddy.

Horror Film Review: Godzilla 2000 (dir by Takao Okawara)


Released in 1999, Godzilla 2000 introduces viewers to The Godzilla Protect Network, a group of people who keep track of Godzilla landfalls and do their best to try to predict where he’ll show up next.  They’re a bit like the storm watchers from Twisters.  The way some people keep an eye on the weather, they keep an eye on everyone’s favorite radioactive lizard.

And it doesn’t take long for Godzilla to show up!  Released a year after Roland Emmerich’s version of Godzilla, Toho used Godzilla 2000 to reclaim the character for themselves and for Japan.  As such, the film waste no time in getting the original Godzilla on screen and allowing him to go on one of his trademark rampages.  Every time that Godzilla breathes radioactive fire and lets loose its trademark shrill cry, it’s as if the film is saying, “Hey, America, this Godzilla!”

As for the plot, it’s not really that important.  A group of scientists discover that an alien spaceship has been buried deep in the ocean for millions of years.  The UFO is reawakened by Godzilla and it turns out that the spirits of the aliens basically want to absorb Godzilla’s regenerative powers so that they can come back to life and conquer the world.  Godzilla doesn’t want to give away his regenerative powers so, naturally, he battles both the UFO and the eventual monsters that the UFO sends out to do its bidding.  Once again, Godzilla is defending humanity, albeit unintentionally.  For the most part, one gets the feeling that Godzilla just wants to be left alone.

Unfortunately, the military wants to destroy Godzilla and they keep getting in his way while he’s tying to battle the aliens.  Seriously, Godzilla is like a wasp.  He won’t destroy you as long as you don’t bother him.  I mean, it’s true that Godzilla had a really bad temper back in the 50s but, for the most part, he just now wants to enjoy his retirement and step on a few cities.  But the humans and the aliens and all the other monsters just won’t leave him alone!

Godzilla 2000 is an entertaining film.  Probably because it was made as a direct rebuke to Emmerich’s film, Godzilla 2000 feels like one of the old school Godzilla films, with the emphasis on Godzilla fighting other monsters while people stand on rooftops and point.  It has a fun retro feel to it.  Basically, with this film, Toho reminded viewers what Godzilla was supposed to be all about.

Previous Godzilla Reviews:

  1. Godzilla, King of the Monsters (1958)
  2. Godzilla Raids Again (1958)
  3. King Kong vs Godzilla (1962)
  4. Mothra vs. Godzilla (1964)
  5. Ghidorah: The Three-Headed Monster (1964)
  6. Invasion of the Astro-Monster (1965)
  7. Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster (1966)
  8. Son of Godzilla (1967)
  9. Destroy All Monsters (1968)
  10. All Monsters Attack (1969)
  11. Godzilla vs Hedorah (1971)
  12. Godzilla vs Gigan (1972)
  13. Godzilla vs Megalon (1973)
  14. Godzilla vs Mechagodzilla (1974)
  15. The Terror of Mechagodzilla (1975)
  16. Cozilla (1977)
  17. Godzilla 1985 (1985)
  18. Godzilla vs. Biollante (1989)
  19. Godzilla vs King Ghidorah (1992)
  20. Godzilla vs. Mothra (1992)
  21. Godzilla vs Mechagodzilla 2 (1994)
  22. Godzilla vs SpaceGodzilla (1994)
  23. Godzilla vs. Destoroyah (1995)
  24. Godzilla (1998)
  25. Godzilla, Mothra, and King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack (2001)
  26. Godzilla (2014)
  27. Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters (2017)
  28. Godzilla, King of the Monsters (2019)
  29. Godzilla vs Kong (2021)
  30. Godzilla Minus One (2023)

Horror Film Review: They Turned Us Into Killers (dir by Thomas Walton)


We’re the Millers

They turned us into killers….

Yeah, whatever, dude.  Seriously, how am I supposed to take seriously a film that features several scenes of people singing that song?

2024’s They Turned Us Into Killers is a film about vigilante justice.  After her boyfriend gets her addicted to drugs and then rapes her with his brothers, Karma (Lauren Francesca) kills herself.  Fortunately, she leaves behind an extremely long and detailed suicide note that allows her best friend Star (Scout Taylor-Compton) to know that she needs to track down and kill BJ (Bryce Draper) and his moronic brothers.  Star recruits Zion (Brian Anthony Williams) to help her, because Zion’s mother was raped and murdered by BJ’s father (Kane Hodder).  Zion later got revenge on BJ’s father and now, he’s going to help Star get revenge on BJ.

So, here’s the thing.  This story actually had potential.  Seriously, who doesn’t want to watch a bunch of rapists get tortured for their crimes?  Unfortunately, the film’s execution is an absolute mess.  This is one of those films that jumps around in time, so you’re never quite sure if you’re watching something that’s happening in the film’s present or if you’re watching yet another flashback.  One gets the feeling that this was done to try to disguise just how simplistic the film’s story actually is but the end result is more likely to induce a headache than anything else.  The film pretty much begins with Star explaining that Karma get hooked on drugs and killed herself.  Therefore, there’s nothing really to be gained by then segueing into a lengthy flashback of Karma doing what we just heard that she did.  We already know what happened to Karma.  Flashbacks are only necessary if they add something new to the story.  When all they do is show us what we already know, they feel more like padding.  In this case, it feels like rather exploitive padding.

The film is more of a vigilante film than a true horror film.  That said, horror icons like Kane Hodder, Bill Moseley, and Michael Berryman all make brief appearances and the scenes where Star stalks her victims definitely owe a bit to the old school slasher films.  When the film isn’t busy with the flashbacks, it’s largely made up of scenes of Star taunting her victims while they’re tied down to a table.  The torture scenes tend to go on forever, to the point where they again feel more like padding than anything else.  And while the film’s victims certainly deserve their fate, Star isn’t particularly likable either.  Perhaps if Karma had been her sister, I would have had more sympathy for her.  Instead, Karma is just a friend to whom Star wasn’t even close enough to know that she was struggling until she committed suicide.

(On another note, naming the character Karma is way too cutesy.  Sorry, movie.)

Vigilante films are always a bit of a mixed bag.  Charles Bronson was an effective vigilante, usually because he was trying to either protect or avenge his family.  Clint Eastwood was an effective vigilante because most of his vigilante films took place in the old west, at a time when people really had no choice but to take the law into their own hands.  I will always cheer Camille Keaton getting revenge on those four rednecks in the original I Spit On Your Gave and yes, that includes that dumbass Matthew.  I think the lesson here is that it takes a star with a lot of screen presence and a director who knows how to properly pace a film to make a vigilante film work.  They Turned Us Into Killers …. well, it just doesn’t work.

Horror Film Review: The Invasion of Carol Enders (dir by Dan Curtis)


The Invasion of Carol Enders….

AGCK!  That’s a scary title that just brings to mind all sorts of disturbing images.  And this 1973 made-for-television film does get off to a rather disturbing start, with Carol Enders (Meredith Baxter) and her boyfriend, Adam Reston (Christopher Connelly), getting attacked in the park by a random criminal.  Carol falls and strikes her head.  She is rushed to the hospital in a coma and is not expected to survive.

Meanwhile, Diana Bernard (Sally Kemp) has an argument with her former lover (John Karlen) and then goes for a drive in the rain.  When the car crashes, Diana is rushed to the same hospital as Carol.  Ironically, it’s the same hospital where her husband, Peter (Charles Aidman), works.  Like Carol, Diana is not expected to survive.

Diana and Carol both appear to die at the same time.  Except Carol doesn’t actually die.  Instead, she has a miraculous recovery.  She comes out of her coma and she is remarkably articulate for someone who has just suffered serious brain damage.  However, there is one problem.  Carol swears that she’s never seen Adam before, that she’s married to Peter, and that her name is Diana!

That’s the invasion of Carol Enders.  When Diana died, her spirit moved into Carol’s body and took control.  Diana is convinced that her car accident was not actually an accident.  She thinks that she was set up by her ex and she sets out to try to prove that the accident was actually attempted murder.  (Actually, it’s only attempted from Diana’s point of view.  As far as the rest of the world is concerned, Diana is dead.)  While Adam tries to help Diana solve her murder out of a hope that she’ll go away and allow Carol to once again be in control of her own body, Diana runs off to her husband.  However, it turns out that there’s a lot more going on than even Diana realizes.

This is a bit of an odd made-for-TV movie, even by the standards of the 70s.  It’s only 69 minutes long and it was shot on video tape, giving the whole thing the look of an old daytime drama.  It’s easy to watch this movie and imagine that it’s just a supernaturally-tinged episode of General Hospital or Days Of Our Lives.  Both the acting and the plot add to the daytime drama feel of the production.  This is a movie that fully embraces the melodrama.

I think the most interesting thing about this film is that everyone is very quick to accept that Diana has somehow willed her spirit into Carol’s body.  There’s very little hesitation about accepting Diana/Carol at her word and no one even thinks to suggest that maybe Carol is having some sort of mental episode as a result of the attack.  Adam hears that his girlfriend has been possessed and he immediately gets to work helping out the woman who has possessed her.  I mean, good for Adam.  I like a man who is willing to do whatever has to be done.  Still, everyone acts as if possession happens every day.

This is kind of a silly movie, which is probably why I enjoyed it.  It’s short, it’s simple, and it embraces the melodrama.  What’s not to enjoy?

Horror Film Review: The Haunted Palace (dir by Roger Corman)


In the 18th century, the inhabitants of Arkham, Massachusetts yank Joseph Curwen (Vincent Price) out of his mansion and tie him to a tree.  They accuse Curwen of being a warlock who is in league with the devil and who has been bringing young women to his “palace,” and putting them in a trance.  They burn Curwen alive but, before the flames are lit, they also give Curwen a chance to speak and curse both them and their descendants.

You really do have to wonder about the logic behind witch (and warlock) burnings.  They seem counter-productive because they always give the accused just enough time to cast one final curse before being burned to a crisp.  Indeed, you have to wonder why witches and warlock were allowed any final words to begin with.  I mean, at some point, you would think everyone would notice that the final words were always a curse.

Anyway. 110 years later, Joseph Curwen’s descendant, Charles Dexter Ward (Vincent Price, again) rides into town with his wife, Anne (Debra Paget).  He is stunned to see that Arkham has apparently fallen on hard times, with many of the town’s people being horribly disfigured.  It’s explain to him that the disfigurements and the poverty are all a result of his ancestor’s curse.  That’s going to make things a bit awkward, considering that Charles Dexter Ward has not only inherited the Palace but he’s also inherited a copy of Necronomicon and a legacy of messing with Cthulhu.  The townspeople don’t want Ward around but he and Anne decide to spend the night in the Place regardless.

Of course, it doesn’t take long for Curwen’s spirit to possess Charles.  Soon, Charles is trying to resurrect Curwen’s mistress, Hester (Cathie Merchant) and pursuing Curwen’s goals of breeding a race of super humans by forcing the women of the town to mate with the fearsome Yog-Sothoth.  Charles also seeks vengeance on the descendants of those who burned Curwen at the stake, as if all of the poverty and the deformities aren’t punishment enough.  Again, this is why you don’t give warlocks and witches a chance to get out one last curse before being executed.

Though The Haunted Palace is usually considered to be a part of Roger Corman’s Edgar Allan Poe cycle, the story itself is actually based on H.P. Lovecraft’s The Case of Charles Dexter Ward.  (In Lovecraft’s novella, Ward seeks out his evil ancestor whereas, in the film, Ward is more or less an innocent victim.)  The film’s title comes from a Poe poem, which is recited at both the beginning and the end of the film.  But the film itself, with its references to the Cthulhu mythos and its hideous New England setting, is definitely a work of Lovecraftian horror.

Fortunately, it’s an effective work of Lovecraftian horror, one that captures the feeling of people unwisely trying to control a force of evil that they cannot begin to comprehend.  Roger Corman keeps the action moving quickly and creates a gothic atmosphere of impending doom.  Vincent Price, toning down his usual theatrics, is chillingly evil as Curwen and sympathetic as Charles.  The film’s strongest performance, however, comes from Debra Paget, who desperately tries to free her husband from Curwen’s control.  Any woman who has suddenly felt as if she can no longer recognize the man who she once loved will be able to relate to Paget’s performance.

The Haunted Palace is a strong entry in the films of Roger Corman and Vincent Price and one of the better adaptations of the work of H.P. Lovecraft.