Tag Archives: review

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 6.7 “Roller Derby Dolls/Thanks A Million”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, things get strange on the Island!

Episode 6.7 “Roller Derby Dolls/Thanks A Million”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on December 4th, 1982)

Norman Hackett (Vic Tayback) is a sports fanatic who wants to coach his own athletic team.  Oddly, he doesn’t specify what type of team he wants to coach.  I would think that would be the first thing that a true sports fanatic would make clear.  “I want to coach the….”  Well, I can’t think of the names of any teams off the top of my head.  I’m not a sports person so …. okay, he could have said he wanted to coach the Cowboys.  You happy?  Yes, I’m from North Texas and our football team sucks,  Even I’m embarrassed by them and I don’t even follow football.  I’d be tempted to coach the Rangers except I know Erin would get mad at me if the team didn’t make it to the championship.  We also have a hockey team called the Stars but Leonard is the biggest hockey fan I know and, if anyone here at TSL deserves to coach hockey, it’s Leonard.  What’s that, you say?  The Mavericks?  Ehh.  I hate basketball.  Those squeaky shoes drive me nuts.  Plus Mark Cuban’s been kind of annoying ever since he decided to run for President in 2028.

Anyway, I’m rambling because this episode really wasn’t that interesting.  Because Norman didn’t make it clear what he wanted to coach, Mr. Roarke gives him a whistle and then introduces him to the Belles, an all-female roller derby team.  It turns out that roller derby is a big deal on Fantasy Island!  There’s a roller derby rink and everything.  It also turns out that Norman’s check bounced so, if he abandons the Belles, he’ll have to pay Mr. Roarke even more money …. wait, what?  Shouldn’t Norman just be sent home or something?  And doesn’t Roarke know enough to make sure the check clears before inviting someone to the Island?  No wonder Tattoo used to be in charge of the money.

Speaking of money, Suzanne (Janet Leigh), Roger (James Noble), and Eddie (Art Metrano) come to the Island to take part in a contest.  The winner will get $1.000.000 from a mysterious benefactor.  The benefactor, by the way, is actually Eddie and it turns out that the entire contest is a private bet between him and Mr. Roarke.  Eddie thinks that people will do anything to get money.  (This is largely true.  Up until a few weeks ago, this moronic woman was trying to sue my dead father’s estate for half a million.  Fear not, she got nothing.)  Roarke believes that people are good at heart.  Eddie puts Suzanne and Roger through a series of increasingly dangerous tests to see how far they’re willing to go.  In the end, both Roger and Suzanne prove themselves to be good people, though Suzanne is the one who gets the money.  Roarke wins his bet and we’re left wondering how all this came about in the first place.  (Seriously, how does Roarke even know Eddie?)

Anyway, this was kind of a strange trip to the Island.  I’m not really happy about an episode of Fantasy Island featuring a story that isn’t really a fantasy.  Still, at least the scenery was nice.  That’s a beautiful island!

The Films of 2025: Confessions of a Romance Narrator (dir by April Grace Lowe)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Confessions of a Romance Narrator introduces us to Jasalyn (played by the film’s director, April Grace Lowe).

Jasalyn is a romance audio book narrator, spending her time in her closet with a microphone and reading aloud the chapters of books that depict the type of romances that everyone dreams about but rarely experiences.  Jasalyn works hard, trying to make sure that each narration is perfect.  She comes up with a different voice for each character.  She video chats with her acting coach and, together, they practice the perfect “O” sound while her new upstairs neighbor listens with his pressed to the floor.  Jasalyn pines for a co-worker, an egotistical narrator named Richard (Cody Roberts) who doesn’t feel the need to do individual voices for each character because he has …. THE VOICE!  And you know what?  From the minute that Richard first appeared, I knew he wasn’t good enough for Jasalyn but I probably would have fallen for him too because damn, that man has a sexy voice.

The film’s a comedy so it’s not a surprise that things rarely seem to go Jasalyn’s way.  An attempt to leave a flirty message for Richard leads to an author thinking that Jasalyn isn’t professional enough to narrate her book.  (Richard, of course, didn’t listen to the message.)  Her attempts to look perfect for a facetime call with Richard only leads to Richard calling her back while she’s in the middle of eating a chocolate cake.  Her upstairs neighbor (Craig Jessen) is a bit noisy and plays the ukulele.  Convinced that Jasalyn is a sex worker, he’s thrilled when she comes up to his apartment to complain about the noise.  From the minute we see Jasalyn opening and closing her closet as she attempts to meet an all-important deadline, we know that there’s no way this movie is going to end without featuring her somehow getting trapped in the closet while only wearing a towel.  And the movie doesn’t let us down.  It’s a lot to happen to one person but, by the end of the movie, you’re convinced that it is something that could all happen to Jasalyn.  We’ve all had a friend like Jasalyn.  A lot of us have been her at some point in our lives.

Confessions of a Romance Narrator is a breezy and likable 78 minute film, one that examines the life of a romance narrator and includes enough small details that you’re left with no doubt that the film knows what it’s talking about.  There are two types of romance narrators, the film tells us in voice-over, those who stand and those who sit.  Jasalyn stands but her mom thinks that she sits and sends her a hemorrhoid pillow for her birthday.  And, from the minute we see it arrive, we know her loud neighbor is going to be the one to grab it and take it up to her apartment.  It’s a bit predictable but it’s cute, much like the film itself.  April Grace Lowe gives a likable performance as Jasalyn.  The film is, I believe, edited together from a series of 10-minute short films that Lowe made about the character.  It’s a likable movie.  Much like a good romance novel, it’s fun, quick, and satisfying.

Retro Television Review: CHiPs 3.11 “The Watch Commander”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, a new boss gets on everyone’s nerves!

Episode 3.11 “The Watch Commander”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on November 17th, 1979)

There’s a new watch commander and he’s not making any friends.  Lt. Harold Bates (Granville Van Dusen) previously worked in the PR Department at Sacramento and he sets out to make a bad impression from the minute that Sgt. Getraer first introduces him to the cops working out of the Los Angeles precinct.  Lt. Bates is all about following the book.  He notes every flaw, from a missed button to poor gas mileage.  Getraer tries to get him to understand that there’s more to being a cop than just following regulations and that being a member of the Highway Patrol means having to make split-second decisions.  Bates wants to know why Ponch isn’t wearing a regulation shirt.

In some ways, this is as close as CHiPs will ever get to The Caine Mutiny.  Nobody removes Bates from command but Bates still struggles to recover from making a terrible first impression and his own Queeg-like personality doesn’t help things.  His attempts to call out the members of the Highway Patrol who get the worst gas mileage backfires when Officer Grossman siphons gas out of Bates’s car, leading to Bates appearing at the bottom of the list.  Bates has no idea how to talk to or trust people.  Jon Baker tries to offer a helping hand, especially since both he and Bates served in Vietnam.  He invites Bates to go skydiving with him over the weekend.  Bates assumes it’s a set-up and turns him down.

We do get the usual car crashes and a subplot about a bunch of thieves who are stealing trucks from loading docks but the majority of this episode takes place at headquarters.  Ponch, who is said to still be on limited duty, is recovering from his accident and one gets the feeling that this episode was developed so Erik Estrada could be a part of the story without actually having to spend too much time on his bike.  (Estrada actually did injure himself during filming and those injuries were written into the show.)  In some ways, this is CHiPs at its most realistic because everyone always hates the new boss, especially one who thinks that he knows everything.

Going back to The Caine Mutiny, it was impossible not to feel sorry for Queeg, who was not a bad guy but instead just someone who wasn’t good at talking to people and who ultimately was let down by the people who should have been supporting him.  I never felt that type of sympathy for Bates, who really did just come across as being a jerk.  Thank goodness for Robert Pine, whose steadiness as Sgt. Getraer is well-used by this episode.  Pine is there to support Bates but he also protects his men.  This episode features Getraer at his most likable.  Everyone should be so lucky as to have a Getraer in their life.

The TSL Grindhouse: Mad Max (dir by George Miller)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

I was a bit shocked to discover that I’ve neve actually sat down and written up a real review of 1979’s Mad Max for this site.  Considering how much I like this film and all the scenes and shots that I’ve share from Mad Max, you would think that I would have at least written about why I like this violent but intriguing film so much.  Today is George Miller’s birthday so let’s talk about the film that launched his career.

Mad Max is often described as being a post-apocalypse film but that’s not quite true.  It does take place in a “near future,” one in which there seems to be noticeably less people around.  The roads of Australia are dominated by crazed punks who have taken their obsession with their cars and motorcycles to the extreme.  (Director George Miller trained as a doctor and has said that this film was partially inspired by the auto crash victims who were brought into the emergency room on a nightly basis.)  Civilization is on the verge of collapsing but it is still hanging on by a thread.  For every Night Rider (Vincent Gil), ranting as he crashes into people, and for every psycho gang leader like Toecutter (Hugh Keays-Byrne), there are people just trying to survive day-to-day.  The nightly news is still televised though the news is always so bad that no one seems to pay it much mind anymore.  There are still cops, like Max Rockatansky (Mel Gibson) and Goose Rains (Steve Bisley), who patrol the roads in their cars and who do whatever is necessary to chase down the people who appear to be destined to inherit a world that they very much want to destroy.  Society still exists but it’s obviously on its last legs and the attempts to maintain some sort of normalcy — laws, news, vacation homes, sexy saxophone playing — can’t hide the fact that the world is coming to a violent end.  Max tries to deny that reality until, finally, he has no choice but to accept both the new world and his place in it.

Whenever I watch Mad Max, I’m always surprised by the fact that Mel Gibson almost seems like a supporting character for the majority of the movie.  When the movie starts, Max is tightly wound and in control and he doesn’t show much emotion while he’s on the job.  The flamboyant and always joking Goose seems like a much more likable protagonist.  He’s the guy that the viewer wants to spend time with and, when he ends up getting burned nearly to death by Toecutter and Toecutter’s protegee, Johnny the Boy (Tim Burns, cast as one of the most loathsome characters ever to appear in a film), it’s a shocking moment.  Goose had so much life to him.  The attention then shifts to Max’s wife, Jessie (Joanne Samuel).  When she finds herself being menaced by Toecutter and his gang, it’s alarming because she’s both a mother and she’s eventually isolated from both her family and from Max.  We don’t want to see anything bad happen to Jessie.  When something bad does happen, we’re more than ready for Max to step up and get some vengeance.  And that’s exactly what Max does.  One of the film’s most iconic images features Max not even flinching at the sound of an explosion in the distance.  He’s gotten his vengeance but at the price of his soul.  And, even as the film comes to an end, it’s obvious that nothing can be done to stop society’s collapse.  Max has accepted what neither Goose nor Jessie could.  There is no safety or society in the new world.  There is only the road and the battle to control the remains of the world.

What makes Mad Max such a thrilling film?  A lot of it has to do with the stuntwork, which remains truly spectacular to this day.  Made in the era before CGI, Mad Max features real cars that are being driven by real people who put themselves into real danger to capture some of the most stunning crashes captured on film.  As well, the cast truly brings their characters to life.  Tim Burns makes Johnny the Boy into a truly hateful character, one who manages to somehow be both whiny and dangerous at the same time.  Joanne Samuel and Steve Bisley are sympathetic as Jessie and Goose.  And then you’ve got Mel Gibson, young and on the verge of the superstardom that people now tend to pretend never happened, showing the intensity that would become his trademark as the increasingly unhinged Max.  (I love Tom Hardy but, as good as he was in Mad Max: Fury Road, he never came close to capturing the soul-shattering intensity of Gibson’s thousand-yard stare,)

That said, I think the main reason why Mad Max continues to resonate is because it all feels so plausible.  One looks at the world of Mad Max and it’s very easy to imagine finding yourself there.  Unlike other apocalypse films that often seem to be taking place in an entirely different universe, Mad Max feels like it could be playing out just a few miles away from the closet motorway.  For all of the spectacular stunts and flamboyant characters, Mad Max is a film that continues to feel very real.  For that, George Miller deserves a lot of credit.  Mad Max is a true classic of grindhouse filmmaking, featuring a story that feels more powerful with each passing year.

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 3.19 “Red Tape”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

This week …. has Tubbs turned evil?

Episode 3.19 “Red Tape”

(Dir by Gabrielle Beaumont, originally aired on March 13th, 1987)

There’s a turncoat in the Vice Department.  Someone is leaking information about search warrants to the bad guys and, as a result, cops are walking straight into booby traps.  When a routine search for a low-level thief leads to an explosion that kills one cop (Viggo Mortensen) and leaves Tubbs covered in the man’s blood, Tubbs announces that he’s fed up with all of this and he refuses to take another assignment until the leaker has been caught.  Castillo tells Tubbs he can either accept his new assignment or quit.  Tubbs says he’s done.

The problem is that all of Tubbs’s money is wrapped up with the department’s credit union and Tubbs can’t withdraw it quickly enough to get back to New York.  The usually cool and collected Tubbs throws a fit, getting himself arrested when he starts threatening people at the credit union.  Crockett gets him out of jail and Tubbs says their partnership is done.  Switek tries to open up about his feelings after Zito’s death.  Tubbs says he doesn’t care.  What’s going on with Tubbs?  He’s acting like a total jerk and he’s also loudly letting everyone know that he’s desperate to get out of Miami and that he needs money quickly….

If you guessed Tubbs was working undercover, you are correct!  It’s all an elaborate ruse to get crooked Detective McIntyre (Scott Plank) to approach Tubbs with an offer.  (McIntyre’s girlfriend is played by a young actress named Annette Bening)  Unfortunately, only Tubbs and Castillo know that Tubbs is still one of the good guys,  A hot-headed young detective named Bobby Diaz (Lou Diamond Phillips) thinks that Tubbs really is crooked.  Diaz already lost one partner to the leaker.  He’s looking for revenge and even while Tubbs and Castillo are planning to take down McIntyre, Bobby is planning to take down Tubbs.  In typical Miami Vice fashion, it all leads to shoot out that leaves the bad guys dead but which also leaves Diaz mortally wounded and cursing Tubbs with his dying breath.  Tubbs goes from pretending to hate his job to actually hating it.

Seriously, were there ever any unambiguously happy endings on Miami Vice?  It seems like nearly every episode ended with Crockett and Tubbs realizing that their latest victory — assuming they were lucky enough to even have one — would prove to pyrrhic. There would always be a new drug boss ready to replace anyone that they took out of the game.  There would aways be a new cop willing to betray his colleagues.  And there would always be a mountain of red tape, waiting to keep them from making a difference.  This episode was dark!

This season seems like it’s been more Tubbs-centric than previous seasons and, as dark as thing got, it was still a little fun to watch Phillip Michael Thomas go totally over the top as the angry Tubbs.  The scene in the credit union was one that I’m sure would be enjoyed by anyone who has ever had to deal with red tape.  One could argue that Tubbs go so far overboard that the bad guys should have been able to see through his ruse.  But, still, this episode was effectively moody and dark.  Watching it, it was hard not to feel that Thomas deserved more storylines than he got.

Next week: Crockett falls in love with Melanie Griffith!

Song of the Day: The Day Is My Enemy by The Prodigy

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

I’m picking today’s song of he day as much for the video as the song.  By combining one of The Prodigy’s best songs with scenes from George Miller’s best film, whoever put this video together did a brilliant job!