Peter Brooks | Through the Shattered Lens

On the distant planet Eternia, the evil Skeletor (Frank Langella) has finally taken over Castle Grayskull and imprisoned the Sorceress (Christina Pickles). When He-Man (Dolph Lundgren) and his allies Teela (Chelsea Field), Man-At-Arms (Jon Cypher), and Gwildor (Billy Barty) launch a rescue mission, they find themselves overwhelmed by Skeletor’s forces and are forced to use an interdimensional key to escape.

He-Man and his friends end up in 1980s California. The key is lost in the process and discovered by two teenagers, one of whom is played by a pre-Friends Courteney Cox. Skeletor sends Evil-Lyn (Meg Foster), Beast Man (Tony Carroll), and a host of other henchmen after the key.

The first (and, as of this writing, only) live action film to be based on the famous Mattel action figures, Masters of the Universe was produced by Cannon and it should have been a lot better than it actually was. The idea of He-Man and Skeletor in modern-day California was a good one and it’s easy to imagine scenes of He-Man and Skeletor wandering around downtown Los Angeles and being as shocked by the locals as the locals are by them. Big, blonde Dolph Lundgren seemed like the ideal pick for the role of He-Man. Best of all, from the perspective of many, is that there was no Orko. The most annoying member of the He-Man ensemble was left out of the film. (Billy Barty’s Gwildor may have sometimes been annoying but he was still better than Orko.)

Unfortunately, the movie did not live up to anyone’s expectations. Taking more inspiration for Star Wars and Conan than from any of the He-Man mythology, Cannon’s version of Masters of the Universe is a generic action movie in which He-Man is reduced to being just another forthright hero with a sword. (He’s not Prince Adam in this movie. He’s just He-Man.) Teela doesn’t even wear her famous costume. The main problem with Masters of the Universe is that so few of the Masters actually appear in the movie. This was a Cannon/Mattel co-production but apparently, Mattel was stingy when it came to delivering their half of the budget. There wasn’t enough money to bring He-Man’s rogue’s gallery (not to mention the majority of his allies) to life. The means no Trap-Jaw and no Mer-Man. Not even Ram Man makes the cut and this movie could have really used Ram Man.

Fortunately, Skeletor and Evil-Lyn are present to pick up the slack. (When it came to the Masters of the Universe franchise as a whole, the villains were always more entertaining than the heroes.) With the help of a surprisingly convincing makeup job that give him a skull face, Frank Langella appears to be having the time of his life as the evil Skeletor and I wasn’t surprised to recently read that this was one of Langella’s favorite roles. Langella seems to having a blast playing such a thoroughly evil and cartoonish character and his scenes have a playful energy that the rest of the film is lacking. Meg Foster, she of the piercing eyes, is the perfect choice for Evil-Lyn and is magnetically evil. They provide some of the most entertaining villainy since Max von Sydow announced, “Klytus, I’m bored,” at the start of Flash Gordon.

Masters of the Universe was a critical failure when it was released in 1987, which isn’t a surprise. A film based on a toy line and a children’s cartoon? Maybe that would be an Oscar nominee today but, in 1987, there was no way the critics were going to go for it. But Masters of the Universe was also a box office failure, one of many high-profile Cannon films that failed to score when it was first released. (It did find a cult following when it was released on video.) A proposed sequel — in which Lundgren would be replaced as He-Man by surfer Laird Hamilton — was abandoned. The sets that had been built for Masters of the Universe 2 were instead used for Cyborg, starring Jean-Claude Van Damme.

A new live action Masters of the Universe film is scheduled to be released in 2026. Jared Leto will be playing Skeletor. That is probably all that needs to be said.

First released in 1974, Deep Throat II (also known as Linda Lovelace, Secret Agent) is the R-rated sequel the legendary X-rated film, Deep Throat. I should, at this point, confess that I have never seen Deep Throat, though I have seen the 2005 documentary about the making of the film and its subsequent cultural impact, Inside Deep Throat. I’ve also read Legs McNeil’s oral history of the adult film industry, The Other Hollywood. Perhaps most importantly, I’ve watched Boogie Nights a dozen times.

Anyway, Deep Throat II….

The star of the original film, Linda Lovelace, returns as …. Linda Lovelace! Linda is working as a nurse for a perpetually turned-on sex therapist (Harry Reems) who, when told that he got laid just last night, whines, “Last night was a long time ago!” Among the therapist’s patients is nerdy Dilbert Lamb (Levi Richards), who is obsessed with black lingerie and his aunt, Juliet. Dilbert has built a giant super computer named Oscar. In its electronic voice, Oscar says stuff like, “Why do you want to talk to me, baby?”

The plot is not particularly easy to follow but, as far as I could tell, the head of the CIA (played by adult film vet Jamie Gillis) is concerned that Dilbert has been compromised by either the Russians or by a bunch of do-gooder activists led by a Ralph Nader-style journalist named Kenneth Whacker (David Davidson). (The journalist’s followers call themselves Whacker’s Attackers.) The decision is made to recruit Linda Lovelace to investigate because Lovelace apparently has a mysterious technique that she can use to get men to tell her anything.

When Linda is first approached by the CIA, she thinks that she is being drafted into the Army so that she can fight in Vietnam. “But I have asthma and I need new reading glasses!” she says. Hey, me too! Anyway, Linda is relieved to discover that she will not being going to Vietnam and that her new codename is Agent — wait for it — 0069. (Just in case you were wondering what the level of humor was in this particular film….)

Despite the film’s cast of veteran adult performers and the fact that it’s a sequel to the movie that some people went to jail for transporting across state lines, Deep Throat II is an incredibly tame movie. The film is edited so haphazardly that it feels as if at least half of it was left on the cutting room floor. At first, I assumed that I was watching a heavily edited version of the original film but a few minutes of research online revealed that I was watching the original. (Apparently, director Joe Sarno directed the film so that more explicit scenes could be directed by another filmmaker and inserted into the action but, for whatever reason, those scenes were never filmed. Sarno was usually one of the more aesthetically interesting and thematically daring of the directors working in the adult film industry. You would not necessarily know that from his work on this film.) The actors struggle to keep a straight face while delivering their lines, Harry Reems enthusiastically jumps up and down in almost every scene in which he appears, and Linda Lovelace seems to be trying really hard but she just has a blah screen presence. Unlike Marilyn Chambers in Rabid or Sasha Grey in The Girlfriend Experience, Linda Lovelace does not come across as having been a particularly good actress.

That said, there is one interesting aspect to Deep Throat II. Kenneth Hacker worries that Oscar could become smarter than the human being who programmed it and that the computer’s creation could be the first step to the creation of a permanent surveillance state, one in which even private thoughts will be used against the citizens of the United States. In the film, everyone laughs him off. 50 years later, it no longer sounds that fanciful.

14 Days of Paranoia: