Insomnia Files #71 and #72: Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders (dir by Bruce Bilson) and Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders II (dir by Michael O’Herlihy)

Posted on May 1, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

What’s an Insomnia File? You know how some times you just can’t get any sleep and, at about three in the morning, you’ll find yourself watching whatever you can find on cable or streaming? This feature is all about those insomnia-inspired discoveries!

If you were having trouble getting to sleep last night, you could have gone over to YouTube and watched 1979’s Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders! And then, if you were still having trouble getting to sleep, you could have followed it up with 1980’s Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders II! And then if you were somehow still not able to get any rest …. well, sorry. There’s only two of them. I guess you could watch that Making the Team show. I don’t know.

Anyway, back to the movies!

The first Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders stars Jane Seymour as a serious journalist who at first scoffs at the idea of going undercover as a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. But her ex-boyfriend and editor (Bert Convy) insists that she take the assignment. Jane goes undercover and even makes the squad! (It’s never mentioned whether she has any sort of dance or cheerleading experience so I find it a bit odd that she actually made it onto a professional cheerleading squad but whatever….) Seymour gets to know the other members of the Squad, including the Love Boat’s Lauren Tewes. She comes to realize that she doesn’t want to write up a tabloid story about the cheerleaders. These are “good, down home girls,” she tells Convy. Convy doesn’t care. He wants scandal!

He’s not going to get it, though. The main message of this film is that the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders are basically saints with pom poms. Sure, one of them has a loser ex-boyfriend. And another one of them struggles a bit with the routines. It’s not an easy job but, in the end, everyone does their bit to support the team!

It’s all pretty silly but I’m from Dallas and I’m surrounded by Cowboy fans who have been complaining nonstop about the team for as long as I can remember so I enjoyed watching a movie that portrayed the Cowboys organization as being the greatest group of people on the planet. (No drug or gun problems here!) It’s very much a film of the 70s, made for television and straddling the line between being exploitive and being wholesome. Yes, the costumes are skimpy but no one smokes, drinks, or curses. The film features soapy drama, actual Dallas locations, 70s fashion, a great disco soundtrack, and dorky Bert Convy as a womanizer. Plus, like me, Jane Seymour has mismatched eyes. How can you not love this film!?

As for the sequel, it ditches almost everyone from the first film. Only Laraine Stephens, as the squad’s no-nonsense coach, returns. She’s got a whole new squad to deal with and only a limited amount of time to perfect the cheer that will win the Cowboys the Super….sorry, I mean to say the playoff game. Whenever anyone in the film says, “playoff game,” their lips read “Super Bowl,” so I guess there was some last-minute tinkering after shooting was completed. The squad also has to get ready to tour with the USO and to perform at a children’s hospital. (Ray Wise appears as a doctor at the children’s hospital.) The Cheerleaders are not only going to bring peace to the world but they’re also going to give those children the inspiration they need to get better. Yay!

This one isn’t as much fun, largely because Laraine Stephens’s character isn’t that much fun. The first film featured the very British Jane Seymour in Texas, somehow becoming a member of an all-American football team’s cheerleading squad and it was impossible not to enjoy the implausibility of it all. The second film is just Laraine Stephens getting mad at people for not having the routine down to perfection. No thanks, movie, I’m done with dealing with demanding choreographers. There’s a reason why I turned down all of those offers to join the cheer squad in high school. (For the record, my sister was the greatest cheerleader our high school ever had or ever will have! Erin watched the first movie with me a few weeks ago. She said it was okay but she didn’t think Jane Seymour was a convincing cheerleader.)

According to what I’ve read online, the first Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders film was a huge rating success. The second film was less so, which I guess is why there was never a third.

Previous Insomnia Files:

Story of Mankind
Stag
Love Is A Gun
Nina Takes A Lover
Black Ice
Frogs For Snakes
Fair Game
From The Hip
Born Killers
Eye For An Eye
Summer Catch
Beyond the Law
Spring Broke
Promise
George Wallace
Kill The Messenger
The Suburbans
Only The Strong
Great Expectations
Casual Sex?
Truth
Insomina
Death Do Us Part
A Star is Born
The Winning Season
Rabbit Run
Remember My Name
The Arrangement
Day of the Animals
Still of The Night
Arsenal
Smooth Talk
The Comedian
The Minus Man
Donnie Brasco
Punchline
Evita
Six: The Mark Unleashed
Disclosure
The Spanish Prisoner
Elektra
Revenge
Legend
Cat Run
The Pyramid
Enter the Ninja
Downhill
Malice
Mystery Date
Zola
Ira & Abby
The Next Karate Kid
A Nightmare on Drug Street
Jud
FTA
Exterminators of the Year 3000
Boris Karloff: The Man Behind The Monster
The Haunting of Helen Walker
True Spirit
Project Kill
Replica
Rollergator
Hillbillys In A Haunted House
Once Upon A Midnight Scary
Girl Lost
Ghosts Can’t Do It
Heist
Mind, Body & Soul
Candy
Shortcut to Happiness

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 3.15 “Christmas Watch”

Posted on April 7, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

Merry Christmas!

Episode 3.15 “Christmas Watch”

(Dir by Phil Bondelli, originally aired on December 15th, 1979)

It’s Christmas in Los Angeles! Bob (Don Reid) and Alice Piermont (Pamela Susan Shoop) are a married couple who drive around in a blue van and rob people. They steal a 15 century bell from an orphanage! How can the orphans have a merry Christmas without their bell!?

Don’t worry, Ponch is on the case! Ponch will not only find their bell but he’ll date their teacher as well. Of course, Ponch is feeling a little down because his family is in Chicago. But then his mother (Anna Navarro) shows up and, in a rare nod to continuity from this show, his mother is played by the same actress who played her the last time that she came down to Los Angeles. Ponch not only get to spend time with his mother but he also gets a boost when a businessman who was earlier cited for driving while intoxicated shows up at the station so that he can thank Ponch in person. The lesson this Christmas? Ponch can do no wrong.

The thieving couple is caught after the are involved in a accident and, instead of waiting for the police to arrive, they just slip a few thousand to the other driver and then try to escape. No such luck. They are captured and the kids get back their bell. Merry Christmas to all, except for the couple going to jail.

This was a typical episode of CHiPs, in which the California sun continued to shine while everyone celebrated Christmas. There were a few decent chases and some nice shots of the local scenery. In the end, Ponch did everything right and got a date. Merry Christmas! It wasn’t a bad episode, especially if you’re a fan of Erik Estrada. Larry Wilcox fans will probably be a little disappointed in how little there was for him to do. It’s the holidays and CHiPs is all about Ponch.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.8 “Lillian Russell/The Lagoon”

Posted on September 10, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

Episode 5.8 “Lillian Russell/The Lagoon”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on November 28th, 1981)

Tattoo is in this episode, which means that Julie only appears long enough to tell Mr. Roarke that she’s going to busy exploring the island with a bunch of hunky professors. (It says a lot about how poorly the Julie character has been developed that I couldn’t tell if Julie was supposed to be naive or clever when it came to going off with the men.)

At this point, it’s obvious that Julie was only added to the show to act as insurance in case Herve Villechaize walked off the set. Early on in the season, when Herve was apparently negotiating for a better contract, Julie had a few episodes where she was Roarke’s main assistant while Tattoo was described as being elsewhere on the island. But in the episodes where Tattoo is present, Julie always has to go do something else for the weekend. Ironically, Julie is such a bland and unnecessary character that it actually proves Herve Villechaize’s point about how important Tattoo was to the success of the show. By having Julie always leave whenever Tattoo is present, the show really only reminds the viewer that Roarke only needs on assistant and it’s Tattoo.

As for this week’s fantasies, they both have to do with the past.

Calvin Pearson (Claude Akin) has just spent years in prison for a crime that he didn’t commit. He’s finally been released and, understandably, he really doesn’t want to have much to do with the rest of the world. When he was a child, he spent a summer on a nearby island with his father. His father was fisherman and Calvin claims that he once caught a fish that could sing. Calvin wants to spend the weekend on the Island and he wants to catch the same serenading fish.

Sound like a pretty simple fantasy, right? Well, Calvin is not happy to discover that the he’s not alone on “my island.” There’s now a trading post, run by Jake Dutton (Broderick Crawford) and his daughter, Mira (Pamela Susan Shoop). Even worse, there are some recently escaped convicts (led by Glenn Corbett) who want to kidnap Mira! At first, Calvin refuses to get involved. He just wants to fish. But, in the end, he finally does the right thing and saves the Duttons.

What about the “serenading fish?” Calvin may not have caught a fish but he did capture the heart of Mira, who hums a tune that she says she once heard out on the lagoon. Calvin leaves the Island alone but he tells Roarke that he plans to return so that he can work at the trading post with the Duttons.

This fantasy was a bit predictable and you really do have to wonder why Roarke insists on nearly getting his guests killed every week. It seems like that would lead to a lawsuit. But the fantasy does feature a good performance from Claude Akin as a man who manages to conquer his own bitterness.

As for the other fantasy, it features Phyllis Davis as a writer named Lilly Martin who wants to write a book about the singer Lillian Russell. Roarke sends her back to 1890s New York and literally transforms Lilly into Lillian Russell, complete with singing talent and two notorious suitors, “Diamond Jim” Brady (Gene Barry) and Peter Whiting (Craig Stevens). This fantasy was enjoyable eye candy, with Lilly getting to dress up as Lillian Russell and getting to wear all sorts of jewels. Unfortunately, it’s also a fantasy that ends with a poker game. I’ve never been able to follow poker and I always groan a little whenever the plot of a show hinges on the outcome. Whenever people start talking about “bluffing” and “royal flushes,” and all that, my eyes just glaze over and that was the case here.

That said, at least Mr. Roarke got to take part in Lilly’s fantasy, popping up not once but three times to see how everything was going! In fact, Mr. Roarke and Tattoo also popped up in Calvin’s fantasy. It’s always fun when Roarke drops in.

The poker game aside, this was an enjoyable trip to the Island. Season 5 has been a bit uneven but this was one of the better episodes.

Horror Film Review: Empire of the Ants (dir by Bert I. Gordon)

Posted on October 26, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Ants are interesting creatures. On the one hand, they work hard and they can design and build a complex home in just a matter of hours. They’re loyal to the other members of their tribe and they all happily do whatever needs to be done to keep their community healthy and moving forward. They’re family-orientated. They take care of their children. They eat earth worms. They fight other ants. They can carry several pounds over their own weight. They like to move in a single-file line. These are all things that people, in general, admire. If you had to hire someone to do some yardwork, you would want someone who had the attitude of an ant.

At the same time, ants also have no respect for privacy, they tend to get everywhere, and they bite you and leave behind those ugly red marks that take forever to go away and that can itch like heck. I was once outside barefoot, helping someone wash his car, when I suddenly felt a really intense pain in my foot. I looked down and saw that I had stepped straight into an ant hill. It was not only an ant hill but it was a FIRE ANT HILL! I grabbed a hose and I washed all of the ants off my foot but it was still one of the most painful experiences of my life. Ants are hard-working and industrious but they’re also kind of mean and they really don’t like humans. (Maybe they would like us more if people stopped kicking ant hills and using magnifying glasses to set them on fire.) Ants will break into your house and then bite you when you tell them to go away. My point is that you might like ants but ants do not like you and you better remember that!

The 1977 film, Empire of the Ants, is all about humanity’s mixed feelings towards ants. Joan Collins plays a shady real estate agent who leads a group of potential home buyers into the bayou because she wants to trick them into buying some worthless property on a nearby island. What Collins and her clients don’t know is that a barrel of radioactive waste was recently dumped off of a nearby boat and when the waste washed on shore, a bunch of ants got into it and it caused them to become giant ants! The giant ants are industriously creating their own sugar-based society but they’re also attacking and brainwashing humans!

Needless to say, this is a Bert I. Gordon film. Gordon took his “Mr. Big” nickname quite literally and, as a result, he spent almost his entire career making movies about animals and occasionally humans who were turned into giants by radiation. Apparently, radiation can do anything! Empire of the Ants is a typical Gordon film, in that the special effects are just bad enough to be kind of charming. The ants are either awkwardly super-imposed into the scene or they are clearly made out of plastic. There’s a scene where an ant grabs a man by his neck and it would be really terrifying if not for the fact that the ant’s head appears to have been made from Styrofoam. Unfortunately, even though the special effects are bad in an amusing way, Empire of the Ants is still a pretty boring film. Gordon devotes way too much time to the people heading out to look at Joan Collins’s beachfront property. No one is watching a film like this for human drama.

This movie is based on a short story by H.G. Wells. Wells, reportedly, considered it to be the worst thing he had ever written.

Halloween Kills (dir. by David Gordon Green)

Posted on October 31, 2021 by Leonard Wilson

You have to appreciate a movie that does what it’s poster claims.

Halloween Kills might not be the best film in a 40 year old franchise that branched off into 3 separate storylines, a remake (with a sequel) and an Anthology entry in the middle. Still, it’s so much better than 1995’s Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers and Halloween: Resurrection. It brings the carnage in quick, and despite some missteps, it tries to do some good. However, there’s only so much you can bring to the table with a story that’s gone on for this long. I didn’t outright hate it, but I didn’t see myself returning to it in the way I did with Malignant or Dune, even though it’s available to watch on NBC/Universal’s Peacock streaming service.

Much like 1981’s Halloween II, Halloween Kills takes place just a few minutes right after 2018’s Halloween, with the Strode house burning and Michael believed to be stuck in the basement. Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) is injured and on her way to the hospital with her daughter Karen (Judy Greer) and granddaughter (Andi Matichak). The town of Haddonfield is attempting to recover from yet another Myers incident. You’d think that after 40 years of all this, they’d have an entire Myers Assault Force or something, but we’re not quite there yet. After all, in this continuity change, Haddonfield only has Michael’s childhood incident and the 1978 one. Despite this, the town has finally had enough of Michael’s antics and band together (with Tommy in the lead) to finish him. To quote Laurie, “Evil Dies Tonight!”

They’re so doomed.

Mind you, this isn’t the first time that Haddonfield’s tried to turn the tables on Myers, though it is a first for this particular universe. They tried back in Halloween 4, but it didn’t quite work out. Halloween Kills poses a quiet question of who is worse: The single killer on the loose, or the angry mob that’s after him?

I’ll admit that I enjoyed the return of some familiar faces in Pamela Susan Shoop (the nurse who was with Loomis when Michael stole their station wagon) and Kyle Richards (Lindsay, the little girl who Laurie was babysitting). Tommy Doyle is there as well, but the adult version of him is played by Anthony Michael Hall (The Dark Knight). They even managed to bring back Charles Cyphers as the former Haddonfield Sheriff. I’ll give this version kudos for delivering some fan service with those cameos. By far, the best addition to the cast was a cameo by The Wolf of Snow Hollow‘s Jim Cummings as one of the Haddonfield Police. Having played a cop in both of his previous films, it was a perfect fit here.The film also weaves a bit of Saw-like magic by expanding on the 1978 Halloween Night. While it’s not a perfect fit to the original events, it adds a somewhat fresh coat of paint to the new storyline that’s in effect here. It’s one of the places where the movie actually shines. They can weave a whole new backstory for Michael, and I’m here for it.

The gore levels in Halloween are your typical fare, as this version of Michael is much more vicious than his earlier counterparts. We can chalk that up to the changing times, I imagine. Like every Halloween, there are a few unnecessary kills – random families that are taken out just to up the body count while you may wonder what these individuals have to do with anything. If you don’t have any problems with that, then the film’s definitely worth a watch. At least in Halloween & Halloween II, the murders were connections to Laurie (her friends) or obstacles in Michael’s way (the Hospital Staff). With Halloween Kills, Michael just executes anyone who’s in his vicinity, which was the same problem I had with the film before it.

The other issue is that Laurie sits this fight out for most the film. With her injuries being pretty extensive, she instead takes on the role of harbinger, reminding her children and her Sheriff friend (played by Will Patton) that Michael is coming and has to be stopped. She’s the new Loomis, for the most part. Anyone walking into this film expecting a face off between Laurie and Michael will probably want to hold out for the next installment.

The Carpenters (Cody and his dad, John) do a good job, musically. There’s no complaints there. I also have to admit that the sound quality is also pretty good in this film. Overall, Halloween Kills is a fun film if you’re not expecting too much and you need something to close your night with. With a runtime of about an hour and 50 minutes, it doesn’t lag too much, though it stumbles a little through the town revenge plot. It’s definitely worth it to get to the last 15 minutes or so.

Reblog: Lisa’s Thoughts on Halloween II (directed by Rick Rosenthal)

Posted on October 26, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

And now that you’ve re-read Arleigh’s review of the original Halloween, why not check out my review of the original Halloween II? This was originally published in 2012! After reading this, be sure to check back in about 90 minutes for Case’s review of Halloween 4! And then come back on Thursday for Halloween 5! (Where’s Halloween 3? It will be dealt with as soon as we finish the saga of Michael Myers…)

Through the Shattered Lens

Last night, I watched Halloween II. No, I’m not referring to the rather disturbing Rob Zombie movie that came out in 2009. Instead, this Halloween II was the original sequel to the original Halloween. This version was written by John Carpenter and Debra Hill. It was released in 1981 and I saw it in 2012, via Cinemax.

Why Was I Watching It?

Because it’s October, of course! It’s horror month and Halloween is one of the great horror movies. Would Halloween II turn out to be another great horror movie? Well, to be honest, I figured it probably wouldn’t but I decided to watch it anyway.

What Was It About?

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What Horror Lisa Marie Watched Last Night #53: Halloween II (directed by Rick Rosenthal)

Posted on October 17, 2012 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Why Was I Watching It?

What Was It About?

Halloween II picks up exactly from where the first Halloween ended. The sole surviving babysitter, Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis), is being rushed to the hospital by two paramedics, one nice (Lance Guest) and one kinda crude and pervy (Leo Rossi). Two guesses which one of our two paramedics eventually ends up dead. Meanwhile, Michael Myers has apparently survived being shot six times and falling out of a second story window and he’s still wandering around Haddonfield, Indiana. Best of all, Dr. Sam Loomis (Donald Pleasence) is still running around all over the place, telling anyone who will listen that it wasn’t his idea to allow Michael to be released. (In one of the film’s best running jokes, everyone responds to Loomis’ protestations by saying stuff like, “Damn you for letting him out!” “Uhmm, I didn’t…” Dr. Loomis mutters at one point.) It quickly becomes apparent that Michael’s rampage wasn’t quite as random as it seemed in the first film. He’s after Laurie and, once he breaks into the local hospital, it seems like he might very well get her. Why? Because, for the most part, it appears that every single citizen of Haddonfield is a total and complete moron.

What Worked?

Halloween II is actually one the better of the slasher sequels of the early 80s. While it can’t compare to the first Halloween, it’s still a fairly suspenseful little film and Michael Myers is just as frightening as ever. However, what truly makes this film memorable, is Donald Pleasence’s unhinged performance as Dr. Loomis. Whereas in the first film, Pleasence played Loomis as just being somewhat testy and annoyed, his performance here suggests that, in the minute or so between shooting Michael and then looking out the window at the end of the first film, Loomis has managed to totally lose his mind. Pleasence gives one of the most mannered, over the top performances in film history in Halloween II and it works perfectly. Whenever the film starts to drag, Pleasence shows up and injects a nice bit of crazy into the proceedings. My favorite moment comes when Loomis suddenly yells at a policeman, “What is it you guys you usually do? FIRE A WARNING SHOT!?”

Lance Guest, who plays the nice paramedic, was really quite likable. I know there’s some debate as to the ultimate fate of his character but I chose to believe that he survived.

The Halloween theme music is still probably one of the most effective horror soundtracks to have not been composed by Goblin or Riz Ortolani. When it came on the TV last night, our cat Doc actually got scared and ran out of the room.

What Didn’t Work?

It’s not the first Halloween.

While the film nominally stars Jamie Lee Curtis, Laurie spends most of the film catatonic and she never really gets to do much other than run from Michael. Say what you will about how Laurie kept dropping her weapons at the end of the first Halloween, she still at least fought back. In Halloween II, Laurie is reduced to being a stereotypical victim.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

I have to admit that I kinda related to the three nurses who were on call at the hospital. I related to Karen (Pamela Susan Shoop) because, like her, I have, in the past, shown a weakness for bad boys who insist on making out in a hot tub even while there’s a merciless serial killer wandering about. I related to Jill (Tawny Moyer) because, like her, I tend to look at my nails whenever I get bored at work. Most of all, I related to Janet (Ana Alicia), because she couldn’t figure out how to use a walkie talkie. (And, seriously, what type of name is walkie-talkie anyway? It sounds like a cutesy robot.)

So, as opposed to most other slasher films, I was able to find instant empathy with not one but three characters! Unfortunately, all three of those nurses were dead by the end of the film so, seriously … agck!

Lessons Learned:

I would not survive a slasher film.