Lifetime Film Review: Friends Who Kill (dir by Richard Switzer)

Posted on November 26, 2020 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Ah, a friend who kills.

Now, on the one hand, I guess you could make an argument that it would be good to have a friend who kills because then you wouldn’t ever have to kill. You could just ask your friend to do a favor for you. I can certainly understand why some people would see that as being one of the benefits that comes with having a friend who kills. Myself, if I had a friend who killed, I would want to take them with me whenever I knew I’m going to have stand in a long line. I mean, God knows that patience is a virtue but sometimes, you really just need to speed things up.

On the other hand, having a friend who kills probably means that you have to spend a lot of time cleaning up after them. And if your friend is one of those people who kills in the middle of the night, you might not got much sleep. Instead, they’ll constantly be calling you at 4 in the morning, asking you to bring a garbage bag and some bleach to a house on the other side of town. Ultimately, it just doesn’t seem to be worth the trouble.

Lifetime’s Friends Who Kill stars Sarah Fisher as Lacy, a high school student who is struggling with failing grades and the recent divorce of her parents. When Lacy first meets Cassie (Alexa Rose Steele), it seems like Cassie is just the type of fun-loving, parent’s-signature-forging friend that she needs but it turns out that Cassie is actually a bit unstable. She’s a friend who kills, though she doesn’t really kill that many people in this film. She does beat a lot of people up. She puts one person in a coma and she hits another with a shovel. She does commit one murder with a hockey stick and it looks like pretty messy. I hate it when murders are committed in a living room because it totally ruins all the furniture. I mean, just try getting a blood stain out of a couch.

Harper (Reha Sandill), who was Lacy’s best friend until Cassie showed up, tries to warn Lacy that Cassie isn’t as good of a friend as she says she is but Lacy is ready for a dangerous friend and who can blame her. Lacy’s mother (Natalie Brown) is too busy dealing with the fallout of her divorce to really notice the murderous gleam in Cassie’s eyes. These things happen when you’ve got a friend who kills, I suppose.

Friends Who Kill suffers a bit because it’s never quite clear why Cassie wants to be Lacy’s friend or why Lacy’s mom is so quick to assume the worst when Cassie frames Harper for revealing the circumstances of the divorce. This is one of those films where you quickly get frustrated because no one seems to have much common sense. Everyone is strangely quick to believe anything that Cassie says and you can understand why Harper gets so annoyed with Lacy. On the plus side, fans of Degrassi will be happy to see that this film features two members of that classic show’s cast. On Degrassi, Sarah Fisher played ultra-religious Becky while Alexa Steele played by Angela Jeremiah and Tori Santamaria. Steele does a pretty good job playing up the sociopathic side of Cassie.

In the end, this film has a good message. Friends who kill may seem like a solution to all of life’s troubles but, in the end, they’re just not worth the trouble.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #211: Remember Me, Mommy? (dir by Michelle Ouellet)

Posted on March 30, 2020 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched the premiere of one of the greatest Lifetime films of all time, Remember Me, Mommy?

Why Was I Watching It?

It was on Lifetime. I’ve been ordered to shelter in place. What else could I do?

Then again, even if I wasn’t on lockdown, I probably still would have watched it because this is one of those Lifetime films that takes place at a private school and features a teacher with a secret in her past and those are typically my favorite Lifetime films. There’s just something irresistible about the mix of super snobs and dark secrets!

What Was It About?

Elena Walker (Sydney Meyer) is the newest student at Clark Academy! She’s a scholarship student, which means that she has to deal with a lot of hazing from all of the rich kids. It turns out that most of the students at Clark Academy have known each other for their entire lives so Elena is definitely an outsider.

However, fear not! Elena loves to write and the school’s creative writing teacher, Rebecca (Natalie Brown), is a former scholarship student herself. In fact, Rebecca is so impressed with Elena’s essays that she even arranges for Elena to meet with an Ivy League recruiter. So …. yay for the scholarship students, I guess.

Except …. well, Elena may not be who she claims. In fact, it turns out that Elena has a bad habit of killing people who get on her nerves. It also turns out that it’s not just a coincidence that Elena showed up at Clark Academy and immediately went out of her way to bond with Rebecca.

What is Elena’s plan? What is Rebecca’s secret? I’m not going to spoil anything, especially since the title of the film already does that.

What Worked?

It all worked!

Seriously, this is one of the best Lifetime films that I’ve seen in a while. Though you’ll probably guess Rebecca’s secret long before the film actually reveals it, Remember Me, Mommy? is still a lot of fun. In the tradition of the best Lifetime films, Remember Me, Mommy? fully embraces the melodrama. Elena never stops plotting, Rebecca never stops teaching, and the pace never slackens.

And I have to admit that, as evil as Elena was, it was hard not to like her. She was an agent of chaos, dropped in the middle of a bunch of complacent snobs and she reacted by disrupting the status quo. Of course, it would have been nice if she could have resisted the temptation to kill but still….

What Did Not Work?

It all worked!

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

Like Elena, I always got along with my creative writing teachers. They were some of my favorite people.

At one point in the film, Elena is accused of plagiarism and I have to admit that brought back some memories of high school math class. I’ve always sucked at math. It’s just not my thing. Fortunately, I had an older sister who had taken the class a year before me and who had saved all of her tests so, whenever I had to take a test, I would just copy all the answers and …. well, technically, I guess I was cheating. My plan, if I was ever caught, was to argue that I wasn’t so much cheating as I was just plagiarizing my sister’s answers. Fortunately, I never got caught so I didn’t actually have to find out whether or not that argument would have worked.

Lessons Learned

Be nice to scholarship students!

Channel Zero: Guest of Honor, Season 1 Episode 5; ALT Title: Who has time for the dentist?!

Posted on November 14, 2016 by casewright

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Challenges for mankind to endure: Chlamydia, Explosive Diarrhea, Channel Zero. I’m not writing that Channel Zero is identical to chlamydia; to get chlamydia, you needed to have fun at least once.

Open: Jessica is exsanguinating in a kiddie pool.

Marla’s House: Marla is being pretty nice to her son and granddaughter. Mike looks like Hell and he goes to the bathroom to see that there is a tooth growing out of his upper gums. The episode goes downhill from here, but stick with me and we can get through this together.

Mike’s Wife arrives and it’s very banal. It’s not like anything happened like his creepy brother Eddie Stabbypants was possessing Lilly! Then, Amy shows up and breaks the meh news that Jessica is stabbed to death.

The Station: Deputy orders an APB for Tooth Teacher, leaving her understaffed. However, Amy’s manpower issue creates a good contrived plot point. I can’t imagine why she did an APB; everyone in this town is pretty ok with stabbing and being stabbed. They should really include their stabbiness at the Chamber of Commerce Visitor’s Center.

Mike decides that he wants to go to Tooth Teacher’s house. Amy can’t spare any cops; so, the obvious choice is Gary who is grieving his wife’s murder and kidnapped Mike. Fine. They arrive and look around Tooth Teacher’s home and find some ersatz Candle Cove props. Tooth Teacher calls Mike and convinces him to see her alone at a random location. He goes because fine.

Dork Deputy is assigned to find Mike. Dork Deputy is able to find Mike easily somehow. When he finds Mike, he is talked into waiting alone for Mike because this would make sense someway. Shit, I forgot to take my stupid pills before watching this show. Quick, just hit me with a fucking hammer in the head. Don’t hold back. WHAM!!! AHHHHHHHH. Dork Deputy is promptly stabbed by Tooth Teacher who is dressed in an almost certainly Value Village/Goodwill purchased costume. For some reason, Mike takes a nap and a has dream sequence with him as a marionette. Really…I mean…Really, this scene was written and filmed … on purpose.

Tooth Teacher shows up at Mike’s house and INSISTS that he and his mom eat pie. He looks like shit. We learn that Eddie is very powerful and created Candle Cove. In the past, the Tooth Teacher was having a seizure and Eddie relieved Tooth Teacher of a seizure, making her a permanent disciple. As a good cult member, she let Eddie kill her only son because that’s what people do. Tooth Teach explains that Eddie is slowly possessing Mike now. All of this was over only ONE slice of pie. I think she should’ve thrown in some ice cream or fruit. It’s clear that the gross tooth is a possession tooth.

Mike’s response is to be aaaaaa dennnnnntist [sung] and pulls the Possession Tooth out.

A motel: Lilly is with her mom at a hotel and then ends up in the TV in Candle Cove somehow. Roll Credits.

This was pretty par for Channel Zero. They tried to build suspense and it was just boring.

CHANNEL ZERO: CANDLE COVE — “Guest of Honor” Episode 105 — Pictured: Jawbone — (Photo by: Allen Fraser/Syfy)

Channel Zero, A Strange Vessel, Season 1, Ep 4; ALT Title: Paper Mache and You!

Posted on November 7, 2016 by casewright

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There are times in a person’s life that test your very ability to function: Boot camp, the death of a loved one, and watching Channel Zero. There are things that are entertaining to my Gentle Readers because they are shared fun like when I review Stranger Things, Halloween H2O, 28 Days Later, or People of Earth, but I know there’s another kind of fun – a darker fun … AKA Schadenfreude like when I watch/review Halloween Resurrection, but this is so painful. When you read the review of this show, you know I had to do three things: 1) watch it, 2) think about it, and 3) write about it; none of these things are short of misery. However Friday, I get a tooth extraction…so that’s a big step up! When I write that this show is the worst steaming pile of shit ever to be splatted on our cathode ray tubes and you think I’m being unfair, Listen – There’s WHOLE scenes featuring Paper Mache and I don’t mean just a couple either.

Opening: 1988 Eddie or Mike is drawing Bones; they’re twins so big deal. Draw whatever you want!

The Creepiest Children’s Hospital:

Jess is walking with her stabbed son to visit his sister Stabbypants and stops to look at the candle cove crayon drawings, but she did that in the last episode. Maybe she’s trying to become a curator 0r docent of creepy hospital crayon art? They visit his sister and tell her, “We’re not mad at you.” REALLY?! I put my daughters in timeout for just using “hurting hands”. JESS- WORST MOM EVER! I’m judging you Jess! YOU’VE BEEN JUDGED! Stabbed Son secrets Stabbypants a tooth.

Jess visits her vigilante husband. He has her get his gun for protection.

Mike calls his wife. She’s in Seattle and he tells her that their daughter appeared at his Mom’s house out of nowhere from several hundred miles away and he seems genuinely surprised that she wants to come over there. REALLY?! WORD?! Oh God, Oh God, There’s so much more to go!

Amy is in her office and stares at the weirdest gift ever- a pot of mushrooms. This mystery is solved by Dork Deputy who explains that he grew them for her and asks her out and is turned down. I can’t see why this didn’t work! I mean … we all know… Every girl crazy ’bout a Mushroom Man! [sung as ZZ Top].

Flashback: Jess and Mike were a kid couple. Eddie’s jealous. That’s it.

Marla’s house: We learn by a lot of telling that Lily- Mike’s Daughter- is possessed by Eddie. Brightside: This creates a twofer for Thanksgiving – Lily/Eddie!!! Lily pulls out a pirate doll from Mike’s past.

Lily’s Dream sequence: It’s paper mache of a rabbit’s face. No… Really, this scene featuring Paper Mache was done on purpose.

Mike talks to Lily/Eddie. She says that it’s ok that he stabbed him, meaning Mike stabbing Eddie with a hook. And, why shouldn’t he be?! Everyone else on this dumbass show is very permissive with stabbings.

We cut to his plan: Mike believes that if he steals Eddie’s body and cremates it, Eddie will rest. Then, we see more images of a Paper Mache rabbit person trying to be silly. Sorry, I only assumed silly because it looked so stupid. Fuck, More Paper Mache!!! Was there a sale at Joanne’s?!

Amy goes to the school to talk to the creepy kids she saw acting out a stabbing. Tooth Teacher stymies her at every turn. Finally, Amy tracks down the kids. They are acting out some of Candle Cove and for the win what are the kids dress up in? If you said, “Shitty Paper Mache!”, you win! If you got that right, there’s a slight chance that you watched this crapfest and shall always be my brother in pain. The kids all speak in a monotone to give that full-on Paper Mache of the Damned vibe.

Mike and Jess go to the morgue and get Eddie’s body. This was really easy for them. They must have a Take a Body Leave a Body Policy.

Mike and Jess burn Eddie’s body.

Amy decides for some reason that she wants to pork Dork Deputy. Why? Who knows. Then, she leaves and goes to Tooth Teacher’s house, breaks in, and finds the body of random lady that the lady Tooth Lady killed in the last episode.

Jess goes home and the Paper Mache of the Damned kid crew attack her and stab her to death, realizing their rehearsal that the Deputy saw in the previous episode.

The episode ends with Lily being Lily again.

Roll Credits! Next Week on Channel Zero: SPOOKY DECOUPAGE!!!

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Why didn’t they use this paper mache?

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Channel Zero, “Want to see something cool?” Season 1, Episode 3; ALT Title: Like cool things, watch something else.

Posted on October 30, 2016 by casewright

There are some shows like Stranger Things, Lonesome Dove, or True Detective whose audacious vision is pushed ever forward by the rugged genius of its writing and directing staff, Channel Zero is NOT that show.

On its best day, Channel Zero is burgers and fries, but on its worst days, Channel Zero is like stale bread that has become horribly crunchy, difficult to digest, and every bite reveals unending torpor. This particular episode is not terrible just for this series, but might be the the worst episode of television. Because it is becoming ever more awful, it could get to be fun to watch like an Ed Wood film. Since it has some mediocre episodes, it’s not Halloween Resurrection levels of crap overall, but it was awful. There was a quasi-torture scene without suspense, a now hand sucking tooth-monster, and not much else.

Gary takes Mike to a house under renovation. It turns out that Gary wanted it to be his dream house, but it didn’t work out for him. Gary ties up Mike and questions him about the dead kids from yesteryear and Gary gets visitors: Tim and Brenda. They want to beat Mike up to find out why Mike killed their friends and relatives – in the most slow moving way possible. Mike keeps saying that it’s the Candle Cove show…blah blah blah. At one point, Tim pulls a gun and fails to create any suspense….at all, but Mike does gets shot in the arm …. off camera.

Jessica is talking to Mike’s Mom -MM. She explains that she had an emotional affair with Mike and then he cut it off. She figures out Mike is being held at their never to have dream house and heads over there with Deputy Amy and MM. They stop Tim from killing Mike and Deputy Amy takes Gary’s gun, but doesn’t seem to arrest him. Why do that? It could have raised the stakes, led to a struggle, or anything.

Flashback- Eddie lures the Bully Kid to the crow’s nest and uses the Tooth Monster mojo to get the Bully Kid to jump off a cliff.

Tim goes into the woods and is killed and buried by random kids. This happens almost entirely offscreen because this show wouldn’t want to interfere with a bathroom break. If you have the stomach flu, are a compulsive knitter, or need to take smoke breaks, this is the show for you.

Brenda goes to the Evil Teacher who feeds the Tooth Monster. Evil Teacher kills her with a hook for some reason and then hosts a cocoa drink party with the children who killed Tim. Is this unnecessarily ambiguous, over the top, and dumb? You Betcha!!!

Mike is back home. His mother has a nightmare of the tooth monster sucking Mike’s fingers. YEECH! Then, his daughter, who lives 452 miles away, appears outside of MM’s house. He asks, “How did you get here?” They cut to the Tooth Monster who I guess was going to say Kayak or Travelocity, but the episode ended so we will never learn how Mike’s daughter got there or if she got the lowest rate possible.

What can I tell you other than, I will stick with this show until its inevitable cancellation and is replaced with American Ninja Warrior Baking Championship or some such shit.

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Channel Zero: Candle Cove Episode 2, ALT Title: Choosy Tooth Monsters Choose Teeth

Posted on October 22, 2016 by casewright

Cold Open: There’s an Old Man walking around who sees corpses of kids on the ground and in a tree and doesn’t seem to care. Frankly, this is kind of how I felt about this episode. It wasn’t great. It had popping moments, but an overdose of sighs, pauses, and stares. I mean Twilight levels of stares. The pilot and episode 2 were written by Don Mancini of Child’s Play and Halloween Wars Season 6. I was really surprised that Don wrote episode 2. The pilot was creepy and popped, but episode 2 fizzled. This was a missed opportunity for a good show. Here we go.

Katie is back home and watching Candle Cove on the tv and then stabs her brother with a hook. Then, the show slows down to a crawl again.

Mike’s mom investigates the show and we get a lot of exposition about how the show was pirated onto RF signals and such. Honestly, this was the nadir of the show, but it still has promise, if the writers decide to stop feeding the story shots of nyquil and turkey sandwiches with gravy.

Hospital: Katie is under observation and their son Dane is in surgery. This will be an awkward Hallmark Card! Jessica (Katie’s mom) asks Mike to come back and talk to Katie. The Cop kinda doesn’t like this, but doesn’t put up much of a fight either. This is the theme of the whole episode…build up…fizzle…light random pop…fizzle. Mike goes to talk to Katie and sees a crayon picture on the wall depicting Candle Cove. He shows Katie the drawing, which….doesn’t achieve much. However, out of nowhere, Mike breaks the touch barrier with the kid, sending the dad into WTF-mode?! The action happens through a screen: once Mike leaves- the tooth monster snuggles Katie. This is creepy and gross, but not connected to the scene before it. Therefore, the discourse between Mike and Katie didn’t need to happen and was a time waster!

Mike goes back home and shows his mom the drawing. She believes it’s an “abandoned” cement plant. Mike and Mike’s Mom (MM) go to cleanest and still seemingly operational cement plant- No graffiti, no beer bottles, no trash, nothing to indicate that the cement plant is not kept up and will be turned back on in 30 minutes. In fact, it’s clinically clean. The art department really dropped the ball on this one. Mike goes into the spooooooky cement factory and finds his brother’s corpse. Then, Mike flashes back to stabbing his brother with a hook and burying him.

Mike goes to bed and sees the One-Character from Candle Cove who looks a lot like the lobster-thing from Futurama – upon research, it’s called Zoidberg and that’s what I’m calling this One-Eyed thing- Hi, Zoidberg. Zoidberg causes Mike to flash again to his mom talking to her beat up son. She says that when she told the bully’s parents, the bully’s mom laughed at her. This was not my upbringing. My mother, a 12 Generation Tarheel, is perpetually armed. If someone laughed at her after they had just ganged up and beat me up, I’d be visiting my badass Mom in Prison.

Mike goes to the kitchen and tells his mom, ‘BTDubs, I killed my brother.’ [paraphrased] She tells him to leave, he won’t, she cuts him with a big knife. Then, Mike takes a nap. I’m starting to wonder if any of these writers grew up with human families. The Cop shows up purportedly to arrest Mike, but not really. It’s very vague as to what he plans on doing besides putting him in the backseat of his car.

They make a big deal out of this backseat thing; therefore, I will address the stupidity. A cop needs to maintain control of a suspect for his safety and the safety of suspect. The car did not have a partition, therefore, having Mike in the back is stupid and dangerous. Furthermore, Mike is not restrained in any way. In this instance, the cop has a confessed murderer in custody and just has him in the back, with no cuffs, a clear shot taking out the cop, and relieving him of his service weapon! This show really needs to think sometimes with a bit of commonsense.

Cop doesn’t take Mike to the station; instead, Cop just keeps driving … for some reason. It’s not spooky, it’s just kinda dumb.

The show ends with Mike’s former English teacher feeding the tooth monster teeth. GROSS! Maybe, it’s Steve Martin under all of those teeth?!! HA HA!

The episode has some good creepy parts, but it seems to lack a strong reality through story to contrast the weirdo elements of the story. Channel Zero really needs to keep the real elements of the story real or this show will turn into a steaming pile very soon. I have a lot of faith that this was just a bad second episode, which is not uncommon if your pilot had so much meat that second episode seemed like leftovers. It would’ve benefitted from some sort of side-quest for Mike to accomplish.

Happy Halloween- it’s just around the corner!

Channel Zero: Candle Cove Season 1, Episode 1, ALT Title – The Tooth Fairy is Real … Real Hungry!

Posted on October 12, 2016 by casewright

Gentle Readers, it’s time to take a break from my stand alone film reviews and get something we can all sink our Teeth Into (you’ll get the pun later). It’s the Syfy Channel’s return to their awesomely dramatic roots. I will begin by writing that they delivered! If you dig suspense, good writing, and intricate plots, this show is not a bad bet.

Cold Open: A nightmare. Mike Painter, America’s Child Psychologist, is being interviewed by an asshole. The host pries deep into Mike’s private life and how his twin brother disappeared, several children were murdered in 1988, his blood type, and pictures of his colon – ok the last two were false, but the interviewer is a jerk. The host gives Mike water that has a dying fly in it. He puts Mike on the spot to talk to a creepy kid on the phone… who says “Why are you afraid to go home?” Then, the cameraman is a mannequin. What we got here is an unreliable narrator. We smash to the first of many odd smash cuts: a scarecrow on fire.

Mike heads home and briefly talks to his mom. She’s concerned that he is looking into the murders. He lies and says no. Mike goes to the Sheriff’s office and it’s a bit of exposition time, but not too bad. We learn that Mike’s buddy has become Sheriff and that the Sheriff’s son is a bit of a misfit. Mike wants the files on the murders. Mike dissembles that he’s writing a book about the murders. Sheriff wants to makes sure the book will be respectful and mentions that the victims were missing their teeth. YEECH! Sheriff is worried that his son is a weirdo and offers to trade files for some free psychoanalysis…. as you do. We also get a clue as to weirdness: there are reports of a person breaking into homes, but not stealing anything. Yikes!

Dinner Party: They discuss how the kids are watching too much tv. Mike checks in on Katie – the Sheriff’s daughter – who is watching a creepy puppet show. Mike mentions this when he returns to the dinner table. The show was called Candle Cove. The same show that they watched as children in 1988. It has a super creepy host called Jawbone – a puppet skeleton. The adults discuss the show some more and Mike leaves abruptly.

Mike has a flashback to bullies messing with his brother and he does nothing. They go home and the tv turns on and it’s the creepy puppet show Candle Cove. This show really ratchets up the creep factor. Seriously, you will be scared. We flashback back to Mike’s childhood room. He wakes and sees Jawbone in his room and Mike approaches him. When he touches Jawbone, he wakes in a field looking out at the woods. He notices a man in the woods as well.

Diner: Mike runs into his old English teacher and she quizzes him on grammar. We cut away to Katie’s room. She’s vanished. This show’s creep factor really goes up and up and up. A search party forms to look for Katie. Katie’s mom Jessica confronts Mike because she’s learned that he was not home for five hours the previous night. We learn that he was in psych ward a week ago. He begins to rave that it’s the show that somehow took Katie away. She rationally calls for help and he disappears. Mike is convinced that he can find Katie.

Mike goes to the Sheriff’s house and sees Dane the Sheriff’s son. Dane says, “She said you would ask” Taking a moment. This is becoming The Ring, Ju-on, When a Stranger Calls levels of creepy. Mike is convinced that he knows where Katie is. He flees into the woods towards a place called “Crow’s Nest”. We see a number of cutaways of burying bodies and hooks to the chest. Yep, hooks to the chest.

Mike sees Jawbone and reaches to touch it. Jawbone flees and leads him to Katie. Mike rescues Katie and when they leave, we see the MONSTER: a Thing Covered in Teeth. The Tooth Monster reaches out where Katie was sitting and takes away two bloody teeth. You wanna be scared, watch this series!

They have thrown Mike in jail because he rescued Katie…come again? Well, he’s in jail and gets released. When he gets home, he mentions Candle Cove to his mom. She responds that show was just static. We cut to all of the children of the town watching Candle Cove.

This show is absolute gooseflesh inducing. Where Stranger Things was dripping with nostalgia and gothic horror, Channel Zero taps into sheer Hitchcock suspense and Rod Serling terror. It’s a great show for October and just a great Thriller!