Bonus Horror On TV: Highway to Heaven 2.5 “The Devil and Jonathan Smith” (dir by Michael Landon)


On this, the final day of our annual Horrorthon, we offer you a final, bonus Horror on TV entry.

In this episode of Highway to Heaven, angel Jonathan Smith (Michael Landon) tries to defeat the devil for the soul of his friend Mark (Victor French).  This episode, a true Halloween episode, originally aired on October 30th, 1985, and it features guest turns from Anthony Zerbe and the great Michael Berryman.

Happy Halloween!

Horror on TV: Tales From The Crypt 3.7 “The Reluctant Vampire” (dir by Stephen Hopkins)


The Reluctant Vampire was the 7th episode of the 3rd season of HBO’s Tales From The Crypt!  It stars Malcolm McDowell as a vampire who is a little bit too nice for his own good.  Seriously, you can’t go wrong with Malcolm McDowell as a vampire.

The Reluctant Vampire originally aired on July 10th, 1991.

Enjoy!

Lisa Reviews An Oscar Winner: One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest (dir by Milos Forman)


Technically, the 1975 film One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is not a horror film.

Though it may take place in a creepy mental hospital, there are no ghosts or zombies.  There’s no masked killer wandering the halls.  The shadows do not leap off the walls and there are no ghostly voice in the night, unless you count the rarely heard voice of Will Sampson’s Chief Bromden.

Admittedly, the cast is full of horror and paranormal veterans.  Michael Berryman, of the original Hills Have Eyes, plays a patient.  Louise Fletcher, who won an Oscar for playing the role of Nurse Ratched, went on to play intimidating matriarchs in any number of low-budget horror movies.  Vincent Schiavelli, a patient in this film, played the angry subway ghost in Ghost.  Another patient, Sidney Lassick, played Carrie’s condescending English teacher in Carrie.  Brad Dourif, who received an Oscar nomination for playing the meek Billy Bibbit, has become a horror mainstay.  Will Sampson appeared in the Poltergeist sequel.  Both Scatman Crothers and Jack Nicholson would go on to appear in The Shining.

Nicholson plays Randle Patrick McMurphy, a career criminal who, hoping to get out of prison early, pretends to be mentally ill.  He ends up getting sent to an Oregon mental institution, where his rebellious ways upset the administrators while, at the same time, inspiring the patients to actually try to take some control over their lives.  The film is, in many ways, a celebration of personal freedom and rebellion.  The only catch here is that, in One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, being a little bit too rebellious can lead to not only electroshock treatment but also a lobotomy.  Those in charge have a way of making you permanently compliant.

And really, to me, that’s what makes One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest a horror film.  It’s about the horror of conformity and bureaucracy.  The film may start out as something of a comedy and Nicholson brings a devil-may-care attitude to the role of McMurphy but then, eventually, you reach the scene where McMurphy is tied down and given electrical shocks to make him compliant.  You reach the scene where Ratched coldly informs Billy Bibbit that she will be telling his mother that Billy lost his virginity to a prostitute and Billy reacts by slicing open his wrists.  Finally, you reach the scene where McMurphy returns to the ward having had a bit of his brain removed.  In those scenes, One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest becomes a horror movie.  The monster is not a ghost or a demon or a serial killer.  Instead, it’s a system that is determined to squash out any bit of rebellion or free thought.

What makes Nurse Ratched such a great villain is the fact that, as opposed to being some sort of a maniacal force of evil, she’s really just someone doing her job and refusing to question her methods.  She’s the ultimate symbol of bland authoritarianism.  Her job is to keep the patients from getting out of control and, if that means lobotomizing them and driving one of them to suicide …. well, that’s what she’s going to do.  For all the time that Ratched spends talking about therapy, her concern is not “curing” the patients or even helping them reach a point where they can leave the hospital and go one with their lives.  Ratched’s concern is keeping everyone in their place.  As played by Fletcher, Ratched epitomizes the banality of evil.  (That’s one reason why it was so silly for Ryan Murphy to devote his most recent Netflix series to giving her an over-the-top origin story.  Ratched is a great villain because she doesn’t have any complex motivations.  She’s just doing whatever she has to do to keep control of the people are on her ward.  Part of keeping control is not to allow anyone to question her methods.  Everyone has had to deal with a Nurse Ratched at some point in the life.  With the elections coming up, we’re about to be introduced to whole new collection of Nurse Ratcheds.)

I like One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, even though it’s an undeniably dated film.  That said, it’s not as dated as the novel on which it’s based, nor is it as appallingly misogynistic.  Jack Nicholson’s rough but charismatic performance holds up wonderfully well.  (I don’t know if an actor has ever matched a character as perfectly as Nicholson does with McMurphy.)  Louise Fletcher brings a steely resolve to the role of Nurse Ratched.  Fans of spotting character actors in early roles will probably get a kick out of spotting both Danny DeVito and Christopher Lloyd as patients.  The movie skillfully combines drama with comedy and the ending manages to be both melancholy and hopeful.

When it comes to the 1975 Oscar race …. well, I don’t know if I would argue that One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest deserved to win Best Picture over Nashville, Dog Day Afternoon, or Barry Lyndon or Jaws.  Dog Day Afternoon and Nashville feel as if they were ahead of their time, with their examination of the media and politics.  Jaws set the template for almost every blockbuster that would follow and it’s certainly one of the most influential horror films ever made.  Barry Lyndon is a stunning technical achievement.  Compared to those films, One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest seems rather simplistic.  Watching it today, you’re very much aware of how much of the film’s power is due to Jack Nicholson’s magnetic screen presence.  Nicholson definitely deserved his Oscar but it’s debatable whether or not the same can be said of One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest as a whole.

So no, I wouldn’t necessary say that One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest was the best of the films nominated that year.  Still, it’s an entertaining film and a helluva ride.  It’s a great film to watch whenever you’re sick of faceless bureaucrats trying to tell you what to do.  And, in its own odd way, it’s a great film for Halloween season.

Halloween Havoc!: THE HILLS HAVE EYES (Vanguard 1977)


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Wes Craven (1939-2015) left us with many nightmares: LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT, NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, SCREAM. But you haven’t lived until you’ve met Papa Jupiter and his feral family of cannibals in Craven’s THE HILLS HAVE EYES, as outlandish and frightening a horror film as there ever was. HILLS was so shocking the censor board gave it an X rating until it was cut enough to qualify for an R. It still packed enough violence and brutality to make even the heartiest exploitation enthusiast squeamish.

The Carter clan has travelled from Cleveland to the Nevada desert on their way to California. They stop at a gas station where an old geezer is about to leave. The geezer warns them about his son, born mutated and mean as the devil, living somewhere in the hills. While driving down the long. lonesome highway, fighter jets from a nearby airbase cause…

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Horror Film Review: Mortuary (dir by Howard Avedis)


Here!  Watch the trailer for the 1983 slasher film, Mortuary!

(It’s the first trailer shown in the video below.  Be sure to stick around for the Humongous trailer.)

OH MY GOD!  That sure was scary, wasn’t it!?  In case you didn’t recognize him, that was beloved horror character actor Michael Berryman getting dragged into that grave.  No matter how bad the film was (or is), Michael Berryman was one of those actors who was always worth watching.  Based on the trailer, Mortuary has got to be some sort of classic, right?

Well…no.

The trailer’s a classic but, unfortunately, it has nothing to do with the film.  This isn’t just a case of scenes from the film being edited into the trailer in such a way that the audience is misled as to what’s actually going on in the movie.  Almost all trailers do that…

No, the trailer for Mortuary contains literally no scenes from the actual film.  Michael Berryman isn’t even in Mortuary!

But you know who is in the film?

BILL PAXTON!

That’s right … a very young Bill Paxton made his film debut in Mortuary.  Even better, he got to play the killer!  Now, I know you probably think that I just spoiled the film for you but seriously, Paxton is so obviously the murderer that it doesn’t really count as a spoiler.  Paxton plays Paul Andrews, the teenage son of mortician, Hank Andrews (Christopher George).  Everyone agrees that Paul is a little bit weird.  Or, as someone says in the film, “Paul’s been so strange since his mother committed suicide.”  Someone else agrees and then adds that it probably doesn’t help that apparently, Hank used to force Paul to sleep in the mortuary.

In the role of Paul, Paxton gives a very odd performance.  I wouldn’t necessarily say that it’s a good performance and, if I ever meet Bill Paxton, I’m not going to bring this movie up.  But seriously, Paxton’s performance is so weird that you can’t stop watching him.  There’s a scene where he literally skips through a cemetery.  He seems to be having fun and good for him!

Paul is a little obsessed with Christie (Mary Beth McDonough).  Christie has been having issues since her father’s mysterious drowning.  Everyone keeps telling Christie that her father just had an accident in the pool but the audience knows — via the first scene in the film — that her father was only in that pool because someone hit him with a baseball bat.  Ever since her father’s death, Christie has been sleep walking and having night terrors.  She demands that her boyfriend, Greg (David Wallace), help her find out what really happened to her father.

Greg, however, is still trying to figure out what happened to his best friend, Josh (Denis Mendel).  Earlier, Greg and Josh broke into the mortuary so that they could steal a tire.  Josh went off on his own and ended up getting stabbed to death with an embalming pipe.  Greg never noticed because he was busy spying on what was apparently a black magic ceremony involving Hank and a coven of witches.

And one of the witches was … Christie’s mother, Eve (Lynda Day George)!

When Eve isn’t busy practicing the dark arts, she’s telling her daughter that she needs to get over her father’s death.  Is Eve trying to drive Christie crazy?  Does Hank know that Paul is homicidal?  Will Greg ever figure out that Josh is dead?

And most importantly — will this film feature any disco roller skating!?

YOU BET IT DOES!

I’m probably making Mortuary sound more fun that it actually is.  It’s actually a fairly slow-moving slasher film and neither Greg nor Christie are particularly interesting or likable.  Still, the film features Bill Paxton skipping in a cemetery and that’s worth something.

If you’re willing to look, you can find Mortuary on YouTube, though I’ve been told that the version that was uploaded was the television version so some things have been cut out.

But you know who hasn’t been cut out?

BILL PAXTON, THAT’S WHO!

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Horror on TV: Tales From The Crypt 3.7 “The Reluctant Vampire” (dir by Stephen Hopkins)


Since I’ve been reviewing so many Dracula films as of late, it seems only appropriate that tonight’s excursion into televised horror should be about a vampire as well!

The Reluctant Vampire was the 7th episode of the 3rd season of HBO’s Tales From The Crypt!  It stars Malcolm McDowell as a vampire who is a little bit too nice for his own good.  Seriously, you can’t go wrong with Malcolm McDowell as a vampire.

The Reluctant Vampire originally aired on July 10th, 1991.

Enjoy!

Halloween Horrors 2013 : “Self Storage”


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Sometimes even a movie with very little to recommend for it still has — well, something to recommend for it. Such is the case with this year’s direct-to-video, shot-on-HD indie horror effort Self Storage,  a largely pathetic, unmemorable, boringly amoral (more on that before we’re through) piece of — uhhmm, work —- written and directed by, and starring, the supremely untalented Tom DeNucci.

Shot in Rhode Island, this is one of those flicks that’s pretty hard to see having much of an audience beyond the friends and immediate family of anyone involved in its production, being that every single character in it’s a complete douchebag, the blood n’ guts are both fairly tame and poorly realized, and its somewhat inventive premise is buried under layer upon layer of incompetent execution.

First, the particulars of the plot : go-nowhere pothead Jake (the aforementioned DeNucci) works as a security guard at a mini-storage facility. His friends, a half-assed assemblage of walking caricatures (the slut, the hot chick, the good girl, the horn-dog guy who gets a lot of pussy, the two other horn dog guys who get no pussy and are hopeless porn addicts) want to party at his workplace one night and figure it should be no sweat because Jake actually lives on the premises, as well. He says no at first, then says yes when he learns that his asshole boss (Eric Roberts) and flunky right-hand man (Micheal Berryman, whose name might not ring a bell to anyone but die-hard horror fans, but who even most casual viewers will recognize instantly thanks to The Hills Have EyesThe Devil’s Rejects, and too many other flicks to mention — in short, he’s the tall, bald, weird-lookin’ dude) have cut some kind of shady deal with a local black marketeer (Jonathan Silverman — -speaking of supremely untalented), and intend to shut the place down the next day when they’re good and rich and fire their deadbeat part-timer’s ass in a heartbeat.

So — the party’s on, but everyone but Jake and his sweetheart get killed because the “big deal” that’s going down is a massive sale of kidnapped coeds for the purportedly thriving underground body parts and organs trade. Jake accidentally melts the folks who have already been kidnapped in an acid shower — long story — and finds that he and his dickhead friends have been tapped as replacements.

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Yeah, I know — it sounds kinda creepy/interesting yet hopelessly stupid at the same time. Rest assured, dear reader, that the “hopelessly stupid” part of the equation wins the day in a hurry and you’ll be hoping against hope for everyone — even (and maybe especially) our purported “hero ” —  to get killed both gruesomely and quickly. Unfortunately, things take a long time to get going, and aren’t very interesting once they do. DeNucci’s film is that rarest of things, then — a story about people you’re aching to see get murdered that bores you so fucking much that you don’t even end up caring how, when, or even if they die — you want ’em too, sure, but actively giving a damn is just too much effort.

So what about that whole “dully amoral” thing, then? Well, Jake ends up pocketing the take for his dead pals’ organs in the end, and rides off into the sunset with his ladyfriend, and I guess the two live happily ever after on the gruesome loot they’ve procured on the deceased bodies of their friends. Could be shocking, I suppose, if handled correctly, but it’s such a garbled mess that you honestly wonder if DeNucci even considered the ethical implications of his tasteless finale or if he just wrapped things up quickly because he didn’t know what the hell else to do at that point. The end result? It all falls pretty flat — just like the preceding 90-or-so minutes.

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Still, as I mentioned at the outset, Self Storage has at least one thing going for it — Eric Roberts, who’s clearly in the “anything for a buck” phase of his career at this point. I don’t know about you, but if my script called for a psychotic cheeseball Viet Nam vet who owns a mini-storage business and trades in impromptu homemade (and fatal) surgery on the side, he’d be the first guy I’d call. And he certainly doesn’t disappoint here, hamming it up with the kind of overstated, fourth-wall-busting relish that makes his turn as the villainous Master in 1996’s Doctor Who TV movie look subtle by comparison. He’s a lot of fun to watch, and is clearly pushing the envelope of what he can get away with simply because he knows his chickenshit kid director doesn’t have the balls to step in and tell him to at least try to play it straight. I have a weird kind of respect for anyone willing to piss in his boss’s face so brazenly, and so I tip my hat to Mr. Roberts for  clearly communicating with his outrageous performance exactly what he thinks of this steaming pile of dogshit he’s working on. Thanks for the money, ya snot-nosed little punk, now shut up, get the fuck out of my way, and let me do what I do best.

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Beyond that, though, this is a movie with less than nothing going for it. Don’t waste your time and/or money picking it up on Blu-Ray or DVD, to be sure — and if you absolutely must watch it in spite of my dire warnings, then catch it on Netflix’s instant streaming queue, like I did. But honestly — you’re just better off leaving the whole thing alone and just trusting me when I say that Roberts is a blast to watch, but Self Storage is in no way worth sitting through just to see him ooze sleaze and disrespect for his (temporary) employers unless you’re really bored, stoned, or both.