Maurice Compte | Through the Shattered Lens

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network! It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, the bike patrol is busy!

Episode 3.4 “Blood For Blood”

(Dir by Gary Winter, originally aired on August 24th, 1997)

Last week, Pacific Blue attempted to deal with Rave Culture.

This week, it’s Hip Hop Culture!

Rapper Gangster 47 (Ross Leon) is gunned down while leaving a concert. Gangster 47’s daughter (Meagan Good) is convinced that the hit was ordered by Gangster 47’s rival, Trigger Dog (Ten’l Brunson). Now, I will just admit right now that I’m having a hard time writing this review because I can’t type out the name Trigger Dog without laughing. Even though everyone says that Trigger Dog’s feud with Gangster 47 was all for show, Gangster 47’s daughter is determined to shoot Trigger Dog.

Fortunately, noted gangsta rap fan Chris Kelly is on the case. Seriously, Chris is portrayed as being a fan of Gangster 47. Over the course of the previous 38 episodes, we have seen absolutely nothing about the very white and the very uptight Chris that would lead us to believe that Chris would be a fan of anything other than military marches but this episode opens with her rolling her eyes when TC says that rap isn’t real music. Chris tells TC that he needs to realize there’s more to music than the Bee Gees. Ouch! You tell him, Chris. And seriously, take that, Bee Gees! How Deep Is You Love now, huh!?

Chris and TC have been assigned to protect Gangster 47. Why exactly the bike patrol is protecting a celebrity who has been getting death threats — as opposed to real cops and real bodyguards — is never really addressed. Gangster 47’s daughter hates cops. When Gangster 47 is gunned down in a drive-by, it seems like his daughter has a point. Gangster 47 isn’t killed but he is in the hospital.

The show’s producers obviously figured out that it would be a little bit awkward for the show’s almost entirely white cast to be dealing with a case involving two gangsta rappers so we meet a supercool black detective named — I’m not making this up — Wishbone (Derek Morgan). Wishbone mainly exists to clasp hands with TC and to back-up Chris, as if the show is saying, “See? These two aren’t as dorky as they seem. Wishbone likes them!” With Wishbone’s help, they come to realize that Gangster 47 was shot by a white man and Trigger Dog is innocent.

The white man is a serial killer named Strob (Todd Cattrell) who is apparently trying to bring about the Biblical apocalypse by murdering celebrities or something. TC spots him on the beach but, in order to chase after him, he has to get on his bike and this leads to urgent close-up of TC dialing the combination of his bike lock. Hey, TC, if you had a car, you would have already arrested Streob by now!

While this is going on, Victor’s girlfriend, Linda (Vaitiare Hirshon) has witnessed a murder and, if she testifies, she may have to go into the witness protecting program! That’s a big deal but, of course, Palermo acts as if it’s nothing because Palermo never seems to get that people actually have lives outside of whatever he needs at any given moment. Victor doesn’t want to lose Linda. Conveniently, the murderer pulls a gun on Victor, which gives Victor the perfect excuse to gun him down. Palermo’s like, “Did he shoot first?” and Victor says, “Sure.” Victor then asks Linda to marry him.

Personally, I just find it interesting that, with all the crime happening in Santa Wherever This Show Takes Place, it just takes five people on bicycles to catch all the bad guys. I mean, if that works in Santa Monica, maybe it’ll also work in New York after Mamdani is elected. Let’s hope so!

Den of Thieves is quite simply one of the most exhausting films that I’ve ever sat through.

It’s not just that the film itself is overly long, though that’s definitely an issue. (Den of Thieves last 2 hours and 20 minutes. For the sake of comparison, that’s 17 minutes longer than last year’s best picture winner, The Shape of Water.) Instead, the real problem is that there’s really not a single unexpected moment to be found in Den of Thieves. Every cliché imaginable shows up in Den of Thieves and, after a while, the film’s predictability becomes a bit much to take.

It’s a bank heist film. We know that because it opens with a strangely portentous title card that informs us that more banks are robbed in Los Angeles than anywhere else in the country. This is one of those heist films where a self-destructive police detective goes head-to-head with a ruthless yet sympathetic criminal mastermind. If you’re thinking that this sounds a lot like Heat, you’re right. In fact, imagine if they remade Heat without any of the stuff that made Heat more than just another crime film and you have a pretty good idea what you’re going to get with Den of Thieves.

The detective is named Big Nick O’Brien (Gerard Butler) and we know he’s a badass because he’s got a lot of tattoos and a beard and when he’s not busting criminals, he’s either getting drunk or getting served with divorce papers. Nick’s an asshole but that’s okay because Nick … NICK GETS RESULTS, GODDAMMIT! Nick has a crew that’s devoted to him. Of course, a lot of them will be dead by the end of the movie. That’s just the way things go when you’re living in a clichéd crime film.

Big Nick wants to take down Merrimen (Pablo Schreiber), who is a former marine turned bank robber. We know that Merrimen is a badass because he’s got a beard and he’s got even more tattoos than Nick! In fact, his entire crew is covered with tattoos! You have to wonder how smart these criminals are, all getting body art that will make it very easy for the police to identify them. But they’re a good crew. In fact … THEY’RE THE BEST! THEY GET RESULTS! And only Nick can take them down because … ONLY THE MOTHERFUCKING BEST CAN TAKE DOWN THE MOTHERFUCKING BEST, GODDAMMIT!

Sorry, am I yelling a lot? This is one of those films where everyone yells a lot. Basically, this entire movie is drenched in testosterone. This is one of those films where no one gets interrogated with getting knocked around beforehand and where every meeting is some sort of confrontation. When the end credits rolled, I was shocked to learn that some of these people actually had names. Just from listening to the dialogue, I assumed everyone in the film was named “Motherfucker.”

And again, it just all gets exhausting after a while. Maybe if Den of Thieves had been a 90 minute action flick or had featured any of the self-aware humor of Baby Driver, it would have been entertainingly dumb. But 140 minutes is a long time to spend with a bunch of thinly drawn stereotypes.

Now, there are two positive things that can be said about Den of Thieves.

First off, one of the thieves is played by O’Shea Jackson, Jr. and he’s got enough screen presence that he can overcome some clunky scenes. (A scene where he’s interrogated by the police literally seems to go on forever.)

Secondly, the film itself looks great. The film’s opening scenes do a good job of capturing Los Angeles’s unique mix of grit and glitz. The opening shootout is pretty well-done and briefly suggests some promise on which the film ultimately doesn’t deliver.

Anyway, Den of Thieves came out this January and despite middling reviews, it did well enough at the box office to earn itself a sequel. So, in 2020, look forward to more scenes of Gerard Butler … GETTING RESULTS!