Getting to Know You”

Posted on April 2, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, a special two-hour Love Boat sets sail for Alaska and adventure!

Episode 5.22 and 5.23 “Pride of the Pacific/The Viking’s Son/Separate Vacations/The Experiment/Getting to Know You”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, Originally aired on March 6th, 1982)

The Pacific Princess is sailing to Alaska!

The Sea Princess, commanded by the strict and haughty Gunner Nordquist (Ted Knight), is also sailing to Alaska. Steve Bloom (Sonny Bono) of the Cruise Ship Association has arranged for a series competitions between the crews of the two ships. At each stop, the rival crews will compete in races, tree-sawing, tug-of-war, and wrestling. The crew that wins the most competitions will receive a trophy. All of the passengers are really excited about it, though I’m not sure why. I would not want to spend my vacation watching a bunch of strangers take part in a competition that has nothing to do with me.

Gunner is determined to win. Stubing is determined to have fun. Or, at least, he is until his crew is absolutely humiliated during the second competition. When he learns that Gunner has brought in a bunch of ringers, Stubing becomes determined to win at all costs. Only the tears of Vicki can reveal to Stubing that he’s becoming a monster. Stubing realizes that he’s been pushing too hard and he apologizes to his crew. At the final stop, Stubing suggests a dog sled race between him and Gunner. Gunner agrees. Steve Bloom says it’s okay. The crowd is excited for some reason. In the end, Gunner wins the dog sled race and the competition but only because Stubing kindly refuses to take advantage of an accident that occurs during the race. Gunner announces that the trophy properly belongs to Stubing and his crew. Gunner also says that it’s okay if his son (Woody Brown) wants to become a cruise director instead of a navigator. I’m glad that all worked out….

Actually, this whole storyline made no sense to me. Beyond the fact that the passengers were oddly excited about the whole thing, I really didn’t see the point of making the members of the crew compete in stuff like tug-of-war and wrestling. Wouldn’t it have made more sense to compete to see who could be the first to reach the next port? I appreciated that at least some of this episode was shot on location. The Alaskan scenery was lovely but the whole competition storyline was just weird.

There were other storylines, of course. A couple played Charles Nelson Reilly and Charlotte Rae spent the entire cruise in their cabin, getting to know each other because they fell in love at first sight and they wanted to make sure they can handle marriage. (I can think of one big reason why Charlotte Rae marrying Charles Nelson Reilly might not work out but, this being The Love Boat, it never comes up.) Two Harvard researchers (John James and Mary Crosby) tried to come up with a pill that would make shy Dave (Douglas Barr) irresistible to women. Both of those stories were pretty boring. John James was handsome so the show had that going for it.

Slightly more interesting was the story of Harry Meacham (Tom Bosley) and his wife, Dorothy (Michele Lee). As they’re in the process of divorcing, Harry sails on The Sea Princess while Dorothy board the Pacific Princess. Of course, Doc makes his move as soon he realizes the Dorothy will soon be single. While Dorothy has a chaste fling Doc, Harry has a chaste fling with massage therapist Britta (Priscilla Barnes). Eventually, Harry and Dorothy realize they still love each other. Awwww! Yay! This story was sweet.

Otherwise, this was not the most memorable cruise to Alaska that the Love Boat has ever taken. Next week, let’s hope for no musicals and no athletic competitions. Come on, Love Boat, we all know why we’re here!

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 2.16 “Pressure Point”

Posted on October 14, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

This week’s episode is a change-of-pace as Ponch and Baker get off their motorcycles and go undercover!

Episode 2.16 “Pressure Point”

(Dir by Phil Bondelli, originally aired on January 20th, 1979)

The limousine of wealthy industrialist Arthur Forbinger (Rudy Vallee) is ambushed by three cars and a motorcycle. The motorcyclist shatters both the back and the front driver’s side window and tosses an envelope into the backseat. Forbinger orders his driver to chase the motorcycle.

Ponch and Baker, enjoying a leisurely patrol through Beverly Hills, spot the limo speeding down the street and they decide to pursue it. When Forbinger finally tells his driver to pull over, Ponch and Baker demands to know why Forbinger was putting lives at risk. Forbinger lies and says that he was late to a meeting. In reality, Forbinger has just opened the envelope and discovered pictures of his granddaughter, Chris (Mary Crosby). The implication is that whoever broke his window can also get to Chris.

Despite Forbinger’s attempts at deflection, Ponch, Baker, and Cahill soon figure out what actually happened. Thinking that Forbinger is perhaps being targeted by a private security firm that scares rich people into hiring its guards, Getraer tells Ponch and Baker to get off their motorcycles because they’re going undercover. Ponch will pretend to be a diplomat from Argentina and Baker will be his driver.

Ponch is overjoyed to at the chance to pretend to be rich. He’s even happier when he meets Chris. Oh, that Ponch!

This episode was weird. It just doesn’t feel right for Ponch and Baker to not be on their motorcycles and the episode spent so much time with Forbinger and Chris that I found myself wondering if it was meant to be some sort of backdoor pilot for a primetime soap opera about the Forbinger family. Despite featuring quite a few chase scenes and a few dramatic crashes, this didn’t feel like an episode of CHiPs at all. Is there really a point to the show without the motorcycles?

The other problem with this episode was that the performance of Rudy Vallee …. well, it wasn’t good. I know that Rudy was a show business veteran when he did this episode and that he had been around for a while but he still gives a rather flat and lifeless performance. He delivers his lines as if reading them off of a cue card. (For all I know, he was reading them off of a cue card.) As for the rest of the guest cast, Mary Crosby is stuck with a nothing role while Guy Stockwell and Tom Troupe are a bit too obviously sinister as the duplicitous security men.

This episode went for a change of pace but it just didn’t work. Sorry, Highway Patrol.

Stagecoach (1986, directed by Ted Post)

Posted on July 11, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

The year is 1880 and Geronimo and his Apaches are on a warpath against the people who have taken their land. Despite the warnings of the local Calvary officers, one stagecoach tries to make the long journey from Arizona to New Mexico. The seven passengers may start out as strangers but they’re going to have to work together to survive the journey. The most famous passenger is dentist-turned-gunslinger Doc Holliday (Willie Nelson). The most infamous is the Ringo Kid (Kris Kristofferson), an outlaw who has recently escaped from prison and who is looking for revenge against the men who framed him for a crime that he didn’t commit. Henry Gatewood (Anthony Fraciosa) is a banker who has embezzled money and is looking to make a quick escape. Foppish Trevor Peacock (Anthony Newley) sells liquor. Dallas (Elizabeth Ashley) is a former prostitute looking to start a new life. Mrs. Mallory (Mary Crosby) is nine months pregnant and traveling to reunite with her husband, an officer in the Calvary. Finally, Hatfield (Waylon Jennings) is a chivalrous gambler. Riding atop the stagecoach is Buck (John Schneider), who gets paid 8 dollars a month to risk his life taking people through Apache country, and Curly (Johnny Cash), the tough-but-fair town marshal who plans to arrest the Ringo Kid as soon as they reach civilization.

Made for television, Stagecoch is an adequate remake of the John Ford classic. The story remains basically the same, with the main difference being that the majority of the characters are now played by country-western singers who are a few years too old for their roles. Doc Holliday, who died of “consumption” when he was in his 30s, is played by Willie Nelson, who doesn’t look a day under 70. The Ringo Kid is played by Kris Kristofferson, who, despite having literally played Billy the Kid a decade earlier, still doesn’t look like he’s ever been called a “kid” at any point in his life. Compared to their original counterparts, the remake’s characters have been slightly tweaked so that they fit with the outlaw country images of the singers playing them. Doc Holliday sympathizes with Geronimo and says that his use of whiskey is “medicinal.” Kristofferson’s Ringo Kid is more openly contemptuous of authority than John Wayne’s. Waylon Jennings is less of a cynic in the role of Hatfield than John Carradine was and Johnny Cash sits atop the stagecoach like a man on a holy mission.

The cast is the main reason to watch this version of Stagecoach. The film can’t match the original but Nelson, Kristofferson, Jennings, and Cash obviously enjoyed playing opposite each other and, even if Nelson and Kristofferson are miscast, all of them bring some needed country-western authenticity to their roles. As for the non-singers, Mary Crosby, Elizabeth Ashley, and John Schneider all make the best impressions while both Franciosa and Newley seem too 20th Century for their western roles. Director Ted Post does a good job with the action scenes and keeps the story moving, even if the remake’s status as a TV production keeps him from capturing visual grandeur of Ford’s original. Stagecoach is a respectful remake of a classic, one that can be appreciated when western fans on its own merits.

A Movie A Day #46: Body Chemistry (1990, directed by Kristine Peterson)

Posted on February 15, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

body-chemistry-1990-large-picture Dr. Tom Redding (Marc Singer) is a sex researcher, which in this film means that his workday consists of showing people clips from porn films, mixed in with educational films and pictures of Ronald Reagan. Tom has a great career, a beautiful wife (Mary Crosby), and a funny best friend (David Kagan). But everything changes when his research firm receives a contract from Dr. Claire Archer (Lisa Pescia). Tom and Claire end up having a torrid affair but when Tom tries to break it off, Claire is not ready to give him up. At first, Claire’s just sending him a box full of dead lobsters and a VHS porn tape but soon she’s using one overturned tiki porch and a tank of propane to blow up his house.

Back when Cinemax was still known as Skinemax, Body Chemistry was one of the channel’s mainstays. Though the film was clearly designed to be a rip-off on Fatal Attraction, the sociopathic and manipulative Dr. Claire Archer actually has much more in common with Basic Instinct‘s Catherine Trammell than Fatal Attraction‘s Alex Forrest. (Interestingly, Body Chemistry predates Basic Instinct by two years.) Though the plot will never surprise you and the sex scenes are almost as uninspired as the saxophone that often accompanies them on the soundtrack, Body Chemistry is an enjoyably stupid “erotic” thriller. Much as Anne Archer, as the betrayed wife, was the only sympathetic character in Fatal Attraction, Mary Crosby plays the only sympathetic character in Body Chemistry. If possible, Marc Singer’s adulterous husband is even less sympathetic than the one Michael Douglas played in Fatal Attraction but Lisa Pescia does a good job vamping it up as Claire Archer.

Body Chemistry led to not one but three sequels. Tomorrow’s movie a day will be Body Chemistry 2.