Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, someone needs to call Family Services.

Episode 5.25 “Burl of My Dreams/Meet the Author/Rhymes, Riddles, and Romance”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on March 27th, 1982)

Poor Vicki!

Here she is, living on the Love Boat, surrounded by the middle-aged crew and the largely elderly passengers, and without a single friend her own age.  (Seriously, how does Captain Stubing get away with this?)  She’s excited when an old school friend, Scott Nelson (Rad Daly), boards the boat but Scott, being 14 and a boy, is totally clueless about the fact that 1) Vicki is no longer a tomboy and 2) Vicki totally has a crush on him.

Gopher sees that Vicki is upset so he tries to cheer her up by telling her that she deserves better than Scott and also sending her flowers.  Gopher may have had good intention but now Vicki is convinced that she’s in love with Gopher and that Gopher is in love with her!  Captain Stubing is not amused.  And Vicki is also not amused when she overhears Gopher explaining that he was just trying to make Vicki feel better.  And then she’s truly, truly unamused when Scott kisses her and then reveals that Gopher paid him to do so.

Seriously, poor Vicki!  I relate to Vicki more than to Julie because I’ve never been a cruise director but I have been a teenager.  I will never understand how the Captain is getting away with raising his daughter on a cruise ship.  I can see where it would sometimes for fun for Vicki but doesn’t she miss having friends her own age?  Doesn’t she wish she could explore something other than the Aloha Deck?  This storyline once again reminded the viewer that Vicki really deserves a life on the mainland.

As for the other two stories, Paul Reese (Jared Martin) is a publishing executive who wants to sign an author named Gus Dolan (Alan Hale, Jr.).  Gus is known for his tough crime novels.  In order to get close to Gus, Paul strikes up a romance with Gus’s daughter, Kathy (Georgia Engel).  Kathy is upset when she discovers that Paul works in publishing but, when Paul throws away the contact that he just got Gus to sign, she realizes that Paul does love her.  And then Paul discovers that Kathy is the one who is actually writing Gus’s books.  This storyline featured a good performance from Alan Hale, Jr. but there was next to zero romantic sparks between Jared Martin and Georgia Engel.

Meanwhile, Brian (Paul Williams) and Lenore (Joanna Pettet) searched the ship for a secret treasure and fell in love.  Isaac’s cabin got ransacked twice.  This was a pretty boring story and one of the biggest parts of it — Captain Stubing telling Brian and Lenore not to disturb anyone else’s cabin — took place off-screen.

So, this cruise left me feeling very sorry for Vicki and also for poor Gus Dolan.  Vicki wants friends her own age.  Gus wants to be a real writer.  Not all dreams come true, even on the Love Boat.