Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, the Pacific Princess continues to be a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Episode 3.20 “Rent a Romeo/Matchmaker, Matchmaker/Y’ Gotta Have Heart”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on January 26th, 1980)

It’s time for another cruise on the Love Boat and once again, Doc Bricker is trying to get laid.

As I’ve often said in the past, The Pacific Princess really was a floating HR nightmare and that’s especially clear in any episode that opens with Doc bragging about how his latest girlfriend is about to board the ship.  This time, Doc is excited because he’s going to be joined by Sherry Holtham (Misty Rowe), who apparently took an acting class with Doc.  Imagine Doc’s surprise when Sherry boards the ship with her sister, the insecure and recently dumped Carol (Vicki Lawrence)!

Doc desperately wants some alone time with Sherry but, in order for that to happen, he’s going to have to find someone to show Carol a good time.  Gopher turns Doc down.  The Captain turns Doc down.  Fortunately, however, there is a legendary swinger on the boat.  Rod Baylor (football star Joe Namath) is on the boat and he’s always looking for a good time!  Gopher lies and tells Rod that Carol is notorious for being wild.  Rod takes a shot….

….and gets turned down because he came on too strong.  Gopher suggests that Rod open up to her about his insecurities.  Rod doesn’t have any insecurities but he lies to Carol and tells her that he’s actually very shy and reserved.  Carol is sympathetic and gives Rod her therapist’s card.

I guess the important thing here is that Sherry and Doc got to spend some time together.  They even get to wear matching red kimonos!  At the end of the cruise, Doc says a cheerful goodbye to Sherry but Rod is stuck with Carol and he looks absolutely miserable about it so …. wow, that was kind of a mean-spirited story, to be honest.

Speaking of sex, Sarah Conkle (Brett Somers) refuses to have sex with her husband, Harvey (Phil Harris), because she’s worried he’ll have another heart attack and die.  In fact, she spends almost the entire cruise telling Harvey not to do anything because she doesn’t think he’s healthy enough.  Finally, Harvey takes two bottle of champagne down to the cabin and he and Sarah not only have sex (off-screen, of course) but Harvey lives!  Sarah is so impressed that she lets Harvey carry their suitcases off the boat.  I’m going to guess that Harvey probably died a few days later.

Finally, young Jimmy Hopkins (Mark James) boards the ship with his amicably divorced parents, Evelyn (Ja’net DuBois) and Andrew (Cleavon Little).  Jimmy hopes that he can bring his parents back together (awwww!) and Vicki decides to help Jimmy come up with a plan.  That plan is to basically lie to every single man on the ship about Evelyn being married to a scary football player so that they’ll all stay away from her.  Jimmy also helps out by telling one of Evelyn’s suitors that he can’t wait for him to be his new stepfather.  (That guy is never seen again.)  Eventually, Evelyn and Andrew tell Jimmy that, though their marriage didn’t work, they will always love each other and that they will always be a part of his life.  Awwwww!

This was a mixed bag of an episode.  The storyline about Jimmy and his parents was sweet (even if it did involve a lot of lying) and featured good performances from DuBois and Little.  The storyline about the old couple was, if you’ll forgive the expression, dead in the water.  As for the Namath/Lawrence/Rowe storyline, it was pretty silly.  To be honest, any story that features Doc successfully seducing someone while wearing his red kimono is pretty silly.  Vicki Lawrence’s character didn’t go to do much, other than cry and complain.  Joe Namath, while hardly an actor of great range, had a goofy likability to him.  This episode was a breezy way to pass the time, even if it’s not one of the more memorable episodes of the series.