Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 6/16/24 — 6/22/24

Posted on June 22, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I started out this week thinking that I was going to caught up with everything that I needed to watch and that I would be able to do a full set of Retro Television Reviews. Unfortunately, my Dad is currently having some health issues and, needless to say, most of my week ended up being consumed with that. Hopefully, next week will be better! Don’t worry — the site will be back to normal soon! The Power of Twonky compels us….

I ended up watching a lot of Degrassi which, as I’ve made clear, is my go-to comfort programming and I also watched perhaps a bit too much Dr. Phil. I watched both shows via Pluto TV and they largely served as background noise while I spent this week stressing out. The unfortunate thing about Dr. Phil on Pluto is that the episodes are somewhat randomly selected so it wasn’t uncommon for a “part one” to not be followed by “part two” or for “part two” to air without “part one.” I’m a completist so stuff like that drives me crazy.

I watched and reviewed episodes of CHiPs, Fantasy Island, Baywatch Nights, The Love Boat, and Monsters. I also watched an episode of Malibu, CA but it was so bad that I didn’t have the strength to review it. I’ll do so next week.

Finally, via Paramount Plus, I watched an old episode of the first Star Trek series on Wednesday. A creepy kid named Charlie came on the Enterprise and kept making people vanish. It was kind of easy to laugh at some of the acting of the crew members but Robert Walker, Jr. did a really good job as the bratty and neurotic Charlie.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 5/19/24 — 5/25/24

Posted on May 25, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Abbott Elementary (Wednesday Night, ABC)

Okay, I’ll admit it. I was wrong. I thought last week was the finale but it turns out, the season finale was this week. And what a finale. Janine threw a party and learned a lesson about not being a control freak. Gregory finally stopped being so annoying and kissed Janine. Yay! And what’s really great is that all of this was due to the wonderful advice of Mr. Johnson, who is one of the best characters on television right now. I had some issues with this season but this finale made up for almost all of them.

Baby Reindeer (Netflix)

I watched the first episode of Netflix’s acclaimed stalking drama on Tuesday. It was undoubtedly well-made but it was coming from a bit too dark of a place for me so I haven’t watched any of other episodes yet. I’ll watch the rest of it next week.

Baywatch Nights (YouTube)

I wrote about Baywatch Nights here!

Booked: First Day In (Hulu)

I watched a few episodes of this A&E series on Tuesday night. It follows people as they are being booked into jail. As always with these shows, the cops came across as being cocky jerks while the people being booked were far more sympathetic. I felt especially bad for the 70 year-old owner of a used car dealership who was booked for the crime of not putting some tag on the windshield of some of his cars. Seriously, if you didn’t already hate the regulatory state already….

Check It Out! (Tubi)

A mini-review of this week’s episode will be dropping in a few hours.

CHiPs (Freevee)

I wrote about CHiPs here!

Degrassi Junior High (YouTube)

I wrote about Degrassi Junior High here!

Dr. Phil (YouTube)

On Sunday, I watched an episode of Dr. Phil in which Phil interviewed a woman who had coached her 4 year-old son to falsely accuse her ex-husband of being a part of a child porn ring. The man was obviously innocent and easily passed a polygraph test. In what can only be described as being a massive tell, the woman appeared to be upset at the fact that her husband was cleared of a terrible crime.

On Saturday, I watched an episode with a teenage girl who got pregnant because she wanted to be on 16 and Pregnant. Ugh. That entire episode made me want to throw something.

Fantasy Island (DVR)

I wrote about Fantasy Island here!

Friday the 13th: The Series (YouTube)

I wrote about Friday the 13th here!

Highway to Heaven (Tubi)

I wrote about Highway to Heaven here!

The Larry Sanders Show (Max)

Jeff and I watched a few episodes of this old HBO show on Thursday night. Rip Torn made me laugh every time he spoke. What a great actor!

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about The Love Boat here!

Malibu CA (YouTube)

I wrote about this terrible show here!

Miami Vice (Prime)

I wrote about Miami Vice here!

Monsters (YouTube)

I wrote about Monsters here!

Night Flight (Night Flight Plus)

On Friday night, Jeff & I watched an episode that profiled musician Bryan Ferry.

T and T (Tubi)

I wrote about T and T here!

Welcome Back Kotter (Tubi)

I wrote about Welcome Back Kotter here!

Retro Television Review: Malibu, CA 1.4 “The Classic Car”

Posted on May 23, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Malibu CA, which aired in Syndication in 1998 and 1999. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Malibu CA continues to be the worst TV show that I’ve ever reviewed for this site. Considering that I previously reviewed both City Guys and One World, that’s saying something.

Episode 1.4 “The Classic Car”

(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on November 1st, 1988)

Summer forever…. the show’s opening theme song reminds us as we, the viewers, are invited to suffer through another 30 minute tour of Jason and Scott’s life.

Scott and Sam are working together to restore a classic old car. This panics Jason because he likes Sam. This panics Stads because she likes Scott. It doesn’t panic Sam because she has absolutely zero personality and her interests are apparently determined solely by the needs of the script.

When they learn that Scott and Sam will be going to a car show, Jason and Stads decide to trick Scott and Sam into thinking the car has been stolen. However, Scott and Sam figure out what Jason and Stads are planning so they decide to make it look like the car has been stolen for real. What? How is that clever? They’re just ripping off someone else’s scheme.

Jason and Stads panic until Scott reveals the truth. He also says that Sam can’t go to the car show so all that panic was for nothing. Jason and Stads laugh and then share a kiss. “Wooooo!” the audience says.

Meanwhile, Peter tries to teach Murray how to be a businessman. Murray, the fabulously wealthy son of an oil magnate, has apparently never had a business lesson before and was allowing people to rent surfboards in return for shells. So, how exactly was the Surf Shack staying open to begin with? And since when does Peter care about money? I thought Peter was supposed to be some sort of middle-aged Zen guy.

Ugh, this episode. Imagine Saved By The Bell or California Dreams without the charm of a Slater or a Sly Winkle and you’ve got Malibu CA. In the previous episodes, Scott was the nerdy brother and Jason was the cool one. Now, with this episode, Jason is suddenly nerdy and Scott is the big handsome lug who is detailing old cars. Not even the show’s writers can keep track of who is supposed to be who. If Jason and Scott are both idiots, Sam is just incredibly boring and the idea that she’s the character that everyone is supposed to be in love with just shows how shallow-minded this show really was. Even Hang Time was willing to admit that guys could like girls other than Julie. At the end of this episode, Jason and Stads hook up but Stads deserves not only a better man but also a better nickname.

Seriously, what a terrible show.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 5/12/24 — 5/18/24

Posted on May 18, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This was a week of season finales. I watched two of them.

On Wednesday, I watched the third season finale of ABC’s Abbott Elementary. While I certainly had my issues with this season, I did really enjoy the finale. Jacob tried to set up the perfect field trip and, needless to say, things did not go as planned. My favorite part of the finale was, not surprisingly, Ava standing up for her school. I know some would complain that the show is dragging out the will they/won’t they stuff with Janine and Gregory (and sometimes I get annoyed with the deliberate pace myself) but I think the show is avoiding the mistake that The Office made when it got Jim and Pam together too quickly. Janine and Gregory are destined to be together but I think, as characters, they’re more fun when they’re single.

On Thursday, I watched the season finale of NBC’s Law & Order. Together with last week’s episode, the finale erased any doubt I may have had about Tony Goldwyn as the new District Attorney. In fact, there’s a part of me that kind of wishes the Nick could somehow step down as D.A. and take over Price’s job because Goldwyn is believable and compelling on this show in a way that Hugh Dancy never has been. (Dancy is a fine actor but, as a character, Price is just too wishy washy.) Price could become second chair and Maroun, who spent the entire third season whining about having to do her job and prosecute people, could join the Public Defender’s Office.

On Thursday, I also watched Spacey Unmasked on Max. Spacey Unmasked is the latest documentary to feature people sitting on an empty soundstage and talking about how badly they were treated by a celebrity. The ten men featured in the documentary all told stories about their encounters with Kevin Spacey. Some of the men were compelling but it still felt as if the main reason this documentary was made was because Kevin Spacey is currently an easy target who really doesn’t have the resources to retaliate. I’d have more respect for a documentary that exposed someone who is currently in power as opposed to someone who is already on his way to obscurity.

On Friday and Saturday, I binged a few episodes of Seinfeld on Netflix. George obsessively wanting to tell someone that the “Jerk Store called and they’re all out of you!” was definitely the highlight of the episodes I watched. I also enjoyed Kramer turning his apartment into a talk show set.

Finally, on Friday Night, I watched an old 90s talk show called Night Music on YouTube. David Sanborn interviewed musicians and performed with them. Sting, who I usually can’t stand, performed a really good version of Ain’t No Sunshine.

Watched And Reviewed Elsewhere:

Baywatch Nights (YouTube)
Check it Out! (Tubi) — My review should be dropping in about an hour!
CHiPs (Freevee)
Degrassi Junior High (YouTube)
Fantasy Island (DVR)
Friday the 13th: The Series (YouTube)
Highway to Heaven (Tubi)
The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)
Malibu, CA (YouTube)
Miami Vice (Prime)
Monsters (YouTube)
T and T (Tubi)
Welcome Back, Kotter (Tubi)

Retro Television Review: Malibu, CA 1.3 “Miss Malibu”

Posted on May 16, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I was warned about this episode.

Episode 1.3 “Miss Malibu”

(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on October 25th, 1998)

Wow, check out these two douchebags!

On the left, we’ve got Scott, who is supposed to be the studious brother. On the right, we’ve got Jason, who is supposed to be the cool brother. It can be difficult to keep the two of them straight, even though they don’t really resemble each other physically. The problem is that neither really has much of a personality, beyond taking off their shirt and staring at girls.

Their father is going to convention in Las Vegas so he leaves the twins in charge of the restaurant. Why would he do that? We’re only three episodes in Malibu, CA but every episode so far has featured these two idiots doing something stupid with the restaurant. Does the restaurant not have an assistant manager who could run the place?

Before leaving, their father tells Scott and Jason to be sure to feed the fish in the restaurant’s aquarium. Dumbass Scott (or maybe it was Jason) is so distracted by Samantha and her friends that he accidentally dumps a bunch of bacon bits into the aquarium and kills a goldfish. Scott and Jason assume that they’ve killed their father’s favorite fish, Goldie. They’re worried that their father is going to be mad at them. Personally, I think they should think about the fact that they killed an animal that was depending on them to do the bare minimum to keep it alive.

Maybe they can buy a new fish! The only problem is that the goldfish was an extremely rare breed and it will cost them $500 to get a new one. How can they raise $500? Maybe they should take it out of the restaurant’s cash registers. Maybe they should pawn some of their expensive belongings. Maybe they should ask their rich friend Murray for a loan. Maybe they should just tell their Dad the truth because, sadly, fish do die. They can leave out the fact that they murdered the fish, if they want.

Instead of doing any of that, they decide to throw a fake beauty contest.

WHAT!?

They’ll charge every one an entry free and advertise the contest as coming with a $500 prize. But, since Jason, Scott, and Murray will be the judges, they’ll just announce that Sam is the winner and then Sam will give them back the prize. Seriously, this is the plan they come up with. Out of everything that they could have done, this is what they do.

Here’s why this is a dumb plan. To let people know about the fake Miss Malibu contest, they have to print up signs. They have to find time to hang up the signs around town. They have to print up entry forms. In fact, if they’re going to get enough people to enter to raise $500, they’re going to have to print up and copy a lot of entry forms. They’re going to have to rent out a spot on the beach to hold the contest. They’re going to have to install a lighting and sound system for the pageant. It’s going to cost them way more than just $500 to hold a fake beauty contest. If they have $500 for this, why don’t they have $500 for a new fish?

Sam is reluctant to go along with the plan so Scott and Jason, as if they weren’t already unlikable enough, lie to her and tell her that their father is a recovering alcoholic and losing the fish will cause him to start drinking and driving again. Seriously, what the Hell? Sam agrees to enter the pageant but then the plan hits another snag when Sam has an allergic reaction to her tanning lotion and her face turns orange. Jason and Scott decide to asks Stads to enter as their ringer. When Stads says she doesn’t like the way beauty pageants demean women, Scott removes his shirt and shows off his muscles until Stads agrees to help. Wow, Scott — way to take advantage of the fact that a really nice person has a crush on you. WHAT A DOUCHEBAG!

Anyway, I feel like I’ve already wasted too much time on this so I’ll cut to the chase. The pageant does not raise enough money to pay for the new fish but Stads once again demeans herself and pretends to be Jason and Scott’s younger sister when she asks the fish salesman to give them the replacement fish at a lower price. (Does Stads have any self-respect?) Scott and Jason put the new fish in the aquarium but then it turns out that Goldie wasn’t the fish that died. Instead, Goldie is a big gray fish that their father named after Goldie Hawn.

Wow, funny.

You may have guessed I did not care much for this episode. The main problem is that Jason and Scott are so incredibly unlikable that it’s impossible to root for them. They did the wrong thing, they exploited their friends, and they didn’t even really seem to appreciate the fact that Stads abandoned her principles to help them out. Zach Morris and even California Dreams’s Sly Winkle would have at least felt a smidgen of guilt. But Jason and Scott are just jerks.

Ugh, what a terrible 23-minute viewing experience!

Will next week be better? Probably not.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 5/5/24 — 5/11/24

Posted on May 11, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Abbott Elementary (Wednesday Night, ABC)

This Abbott Elementary Mother’s Day episode was sweet and funny. No, Janine, Kevin Hart is not your father.

Baywatch Nights (YouTube)

I wrote about Baywatch Nights here!

Check It Out (Tubi)

My review of this week’s episode will be dropping shortly.

CHiPs (Freevee)

I wrote about ChiPs here!

Coronation Street (Hulu)

On Tuesday, I watched two episodes of Coronation Street on Hulu. They were both from January of this year. Bethany returned home! I have no idea who Bethany is or who anyone else on this show is but I still found it interesting to watch. Maybe I just miss London. Due first to the pandemic lockdowns and now to the way that anti-Semitism is spreading its shadow across Europe, it’s been a while since Jeff & I last visited.

Degrassi Junior High (YouTube)

I wrote about Degrassi Junior High here!

Dr. Phil (YouTube)

On Monday morning, I watched a really sad two-parter in which Phil talked to an old widow named Kaye who had basically become so enthralled by a catfish that she gave him the password to her bank account. Kaye’s daughter tried to tell Kaye that her online boyfriend was a fake but Kaye was very angry and would not listen. I felt terrible for her and her family.

On Tuesday, I rewatched the episode with the woman who was convinced that she was married to Tyler Perry, despite having never met him before. Dr. Phil, of course, took time to point out that he knows Tyler Perry and is apparently one of his best friends. Dr. Phil knows everyone! I followed this up with an episode featuring a man who thought he was engaged to a Kennedy cousin named Misty. Not surprisingly, there is no Kennedy named Misty.

On Friday and Saturday, I watched too many episodes. Most of them were about feuding in-laws.

Fantasy Island (Daily Motion)

I wrote about Fantasy Island here!

Friday the 13th: The Series (YouTube)

I wrote about Friday the 13th here!

Highway to Heaven (Tubi)

I wrote about Highway to Heaven here!

Law & Order (Thursday Night, NBC)

On Tuesday evening, I watched last week’s episode of Law & Order and I have to say that I groaned a bit when I saw it was going to be yet another episode about a murder involving a wealthy family. There’s a lot that I have liked about this season but I’m a bit bored with every episode revolving around the same generic wealthy characters. Not every case has to be a society scandal. That said, last week’s episode did feature some interesting twists and turns and personally, I think the jury made the right decision. Overall, it was a good episode though, once again, we had to spend some time listening to Maroun whine about having to do her job.

On Friday, I watched this week’s episode. The defendant was an ex-con who had previously been given a lenient plea deal by Nolan Price. Because of Price’s involvement, Baxter took over as lead prosecutor on the case and demoted Price to second chair. This not only kept Maroun out of the courtroom and minimized her involvement in the episode (yay!) but it also gave Baxter a chance to show off his abilities. The great thing about this episode is that Price finally got called out for being so wishy-washy and self-righteous.

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about The Love Boat here!

Malibu, CA (YouTube)

I wrote about Malibu, CA here!

Miami Vice (Freevee)

I wrote about Miami Vice here.

Monsters (YouTube)

I wrote about Monsters here!

Snub (Night Flight Plus)

On Friday, I watched a bunch of music videos from 1987. It was fun!

T and T (Tubi)

I wrote about T and T here!

Welcome Back, Kotter (Tubi)

I wrote about Welcome Back Kotter here!

Retro Television Review: Malibu, CA 1.2 “Surf Sale”

Posted on May 9, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

As my friend Mark tried to warn me, this show sucks!

Episode 1.2 “Surf Sale”

(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on October 18th, 1998)

Why am I doing this to myself?

That’s the question that I asked myself as I watched the second episode of Malibu, CA. Why do I always decide to review the worst shows that I can find? And when I call Malibu, CA the worst, that’s not an exaggeration. The second episode, which I just watched, is 21 minutes of pure pain. Producing bad television was, admittedly, Peter Engel’s trademark but not Malibu, CA goes beyond just being bad. I mean, this is the first show that I’ve ever seen that makes One World seem brilliant by comparison.

The second episode finds Murray upset because a land developer is planning on tearing down The Surf Shack and replacing it with a luxury condo. The Surf Shack is exactly what it sounds like. It’s a shack that sells surfing equipment. Murray appears to be the Surf Shack’s only employee. Murray says that Surf Shack is his life. The Surf Shack must be saved and Scott and Jason are going to help Murray because they think helping Murray will impress their next-door neighbor, Samantha. Samantha is into causes and stuff. Plus, Murray has been her friend since kindergarten.

Murray is also the son of a wealthy man so Jason and Scott suggest that Murray ask his father to buy the Surf Shack. Murray says that he can’t because his father would then demand that Murray go to school, wear socks, and comb his hair. With the Surf Shack doomed, Murray gets a job working as a dishwasher at Peter’s restaurant but then he nearly burns the place down after he accidentally knocks out the chef by throwing a dish in his direction.

Murray finally agrees to ask his father to buy the Surf Shack. Murray is prepared to sell out. But then Peter, to make his sons happy, buys the Surf Shack from Murray’s dad and then makes Murray the manager. If Peter had the money to buy the Surf Shack, why didn’t they just go to him to begin with?

Meanwhile, Stats the Lifeguard, who desperately wants Scott to notice her, is harassed by Haji (Maulik Pancholy), a guy whose life she saved from drowning. Haj is Indian so the whole joke here is that Haj has an accent and tends to say stuff like, “In my country, if you save someone’s life, you are destined to be together.” However, Stats is in love with Scott and Haj isn’t willing to fight for her love because “It looks like he goes to the gym.” Haj trips over another girl on the beach and decides that she is the one who saved his life. I’m not sure why.

This was bad. It’s hard to put into words how bad this episode was. The storyline was stupid but that’s to be expected from a show produced by Peter Engel. Instead, this episode was bad because 1) there wasn’t a single likable person in the episode (even Stats ended up being pretty rude to Haj) and 2) there did not appear to be a single person in the cast capable of reciting their dialogue without sounding like they were reading it off of a cue card. The episode was bad because Murray’s issue with his dad seems to be that his dad expects his teenage son to actually go to school and not be a brain-dead washout. The episode was bad because the Surf Shack itself sits on the ugliest and smallest part of the beach and it’s hard to understand why anyone would want to put a condo in that location. (With mountains on either side, there’s really not any room for a condo.) Finally, the episode was dumb because it had the same plot as the pilot: Developers want build something on the beach so Scott and Jason pretend to care in an effort to impress Sam. Just as the pilot featured a disaster at Peter’s restaurant, this episode features a disaster at Peter’s restaurant. It’s only the second episode and this show is already repeating itself.

Oh well! At least there’s only 50 episode left….

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 4/28/24 — 5/4/24

Posted on May 4, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This was another week where I wasn’t feeling particularly well so I spent more time sleeping than watching television. Here’s a few thoughts on what I did watch:

Abbott Elementary (Wednesday Night, ABC)

I’ve been pretty critical of the third season but I absolutely loved this week’s episode of Abbott. Yes, the whole double date thing was fun and Tyler James Williams, who can sometimes seem to be a bit one-note with his performance as Gregory, was hilarious as he grew more and more paranoid and then more and more embarrassed. That said, for me, the best part of the show was the disastrous book club. I would have joined forces with Melissa and Mr. Johnson.

Dr. Phil (YouTube)

On Tuesday morning, I watched an episode in which Phil interviewed a woman who claimed that she was the reincarnation of Pocahontas and, because she insisted on dressing like Pocahontas whenever she left the house and speaking in what she claimed was Pocahontas’s native tongue, she was having trouble holding down a job. Phil said he would get her help. Good luck with that.

I followed that up with an episode about a woman who thought images were being electronically implanted in her mind and an episode about a woman who was “married” to man who she had never met but who needed her to send him money so he could get out of Algeria. In the end, the implant woman agreed to get help and the married woman declared herself to be divorced.

New Sounds (Night Flight Plus)

The show was called New Sounds but it originally aired in 1983 so, for me, it was old sounds. Anyway, I watched an episode on Friday night and I enjoyed the music videos.

World’s Most Evil Prisoners (YouTube)

On Sunday morning, I watched an episode about James Robertson, a prisoner who was so determined to get on Death Row that he murdered his own cellmate. Agck! That was a disturbing episode. I followed this up with an episode about Edward Johnson, who used a hammer to commit the murder that got him sent to prison and then went on to use even more hammers inside the prison. Because of the seriousness of the crime, I will not mention a Beatles song that had a similar plot. Considering Johnson only killed people when he had a hammer, it seemed like there was an easy solution to getting him to quit.

Watched and Reviewed Elsewhere:

Retro Television Review: Malibu, CA 1.1 “Welcome to Malibu”

Posted on May 2, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Imagine being Peter Engel in 1998.

Your most successful show, Saved By The Bell, ended its NBC run years ago, though it does live on in syndication. Your second most successful show, California Dreams, ended two years ago. Once you and your programs dominated NBC’s Sunday morning programming and the cultural landscape but now you’ve been reduced to City Guys, One World, Hang Time, and Saved By The Bell: The New Class. Both American culture and NBC are moving away from your style of goofy, wholesome entertainment.

What do you do?

If you’re Peter Engel, you take what worked with Saved By The Bell and what worked with California Dreams and you try to create a new show called Malibu, CA. And if NBC won’t return your calls, you just sell the show to syndication. That’ll show them!

Malibu, CA ran for two seasons and, until I came across a reference to it online, it was the only Engelverse show that I had previously never seen or even heard about. However, it turns out that Malibu, CA is available on YouTube. Considering all of the effort that I previously put into reviewing every episode of California Dreams, City Guys, Hang Time, and even One World (GOD GOD, ONE WORLD), it only seems right to now review Malibu, CA.

Episode 1.1 “Welcome to Malibu”

(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on October 11th, 1998)

After a montage of familiar Malibu images (Hey! Did you know that people surf, bike, and wear bikinis in Malibu?), the show introduces us to Scott (Trevor Merszei) and Jason Collins (Jason Hayes), two twins brothers who don’t like alike. (That’s good because I’m already having trouble remembering which is which.) In typical Peter Engel style, they start the show in their bedroom and talking directly to the audience.

Scott explains that their mother has taken a job in Saudi Arabia so he and his brother have moved to Malibu to live with their Dad. (Really? Saudi Arabia?) Jason says he’s excited because Malibu is “27 miles of babes.” Scott says that Jason is “both halves of Dumb and Dumber.” Jason says that Scott’s shirt makes him look like one of the “Spice Boys.”

Downstairs, their father Peter Collins (Edward Blatchford, who previously played Mr. Belding’s laid back and irresponsible brother on a classic episode of Saved By The Bell), waits for them so that he can take them to their first day at a new school. Scott asks if Malibu is always as perfect as it appears to be in the morning. Peter says that it’s perfect except for the mudslides and the earthquakes. Jason says that he can’t wait for his first earthquake because he wants to see “Heather Locklear run from her house in her underwear.” (Okay, Jason, we get it. You’re the type of guy who is destined to go broke due to an internet porn addiction.) Peter mentions that he dated “the redhead from Melrose Place” three times. He then tells the boys that he’s “not much on rules” and he suggests that Scott change his shirt because, “You look like Al Gore.” (OUCH!) Peter leaves for the restaurant that he apparently owns while Scott heads up stairs to look for a new shirt.

That leaves Jason alone to meet the next door neighbor, Samantha “Sam” Chapman (Gina Marley May), whose short red dress causes Jason to say, “Whoa!” and inspires someone in the studio audience to do a wolf whistle. Sam wants Jason to sign a petition that will tell businessman Henry Updyke to not drill for oil on the beach. (Didn’t the same thing happen on both Saved By The Bell and California Dreams?) Jason signs and he also meets Sam’s friend, the spacey Murray Updyke (Brandon Brooks). Murray is especially dedicated to taking down Henry’s business because Henry is his father. So, basically, Murray’s a spoiled jerk, even if the show doesn’t realize it.

We then cut to high school, which appears to be the same high school set that was used in California Dreams. We see Sam with her best friend, a lifeguard named Jennifer “Stads” Stadler (Wendi Kenya). Stads (God, do I really have to call her that?) just broke up with her boyfriend because apparently, he was only taking her to Hooters so that he could hit on the waitresses. (Was she dating Michael Scott?)

Now, the good news is that Stads hates being called Stads. “Why does everyone think I’m one of the guys?” she says angrily. “Well, you did join the boys hockey team,” Sam offers up. Stads then notices Scott struggling with his locker combination. She helps him out by punching the locker, which flies open and smacks Scott in the face. As Scott struggles to regain his composure, he asks for help finding the Marine Biology class. Sam is also into Marine Biology. (SHOCKER!) She and Scott go off together.

Meanwhile, Jason is approached by a woman (Susan Wood) in a red dress. (Another red dress!) She asks his name and, when he says that he’s Jason Collins, she asks if he’s Peter’s son. Jason immediately assume that Peter must have dated her. “My Dad always dates the hottest babes!” “I’m not a babe, I’m Ms. Morrissey …. your principal.” “Whoa!” the audience says. Murray runs into the school and hugs Mrs. Morrisey. After Morrisey politely tells them to get to class and then heads for her office, Murray suggests they should skip school instead. Jason agrees. Hey, why not? It’s not like anything important happens on the first day of school.

Jason stops by the Lighthouse, which is Peter’s restaurant. The Lighthouse is easily identifiable as Sharky’s from California Dreams, just with a new coat of paint. Peter is not happy about Jason skipping but Jason gets distracted by Sam trying to pass out flyers for her anti-oil rally. Jason offers to hand out the flyers for her. Sam thanks him and says that she can’t wait to see him at the rally. After Sam leaves, Jason gives the flyers to a waiter and tell him to put them into all the menus. Scott then shows up and says that he met the perfect girl. Jason says he did to. “Wait until you meet Samantha!” they say in unison.

Cut to the beach, where Jason, Scott, Sam, Stads, and Murray are struggling to get anyone to take their flyers. Jason suggests that they need a billboard. “Are you talking about signs everywhere ragging on my dad’s company?” Murray says, “Alright!”

(I’m sorry but Murray’s kind of a dick. I mean, are you campaigning for the environment or are you just mad at your dad?)

How to pay for a billboard? Jason suggests having a fundraiser at the Lighthouse.

“Dad won’t go for that,” Scott says.

“Dad doesn’t need to know,” Jason says.

Okay, Jason’s a dick too.

How to get Peter out of the restaurant? Jason approaches Ms. Morrissey at school and, surprisingly, is not given any sort of punishment for skipping the first day. Jason gives Ms. Morrissey tickets to the Fleetwood Mac concert and says that Peter really wants to go with her but he feels awkward because Ms. Morrissey is their principal so Ms. Morrissey will have to ask him. Ms. Morrissey agrees to this because, in the world of Peter Engel, all principals are idiots.

Somehow, the plan works. Peter — oh my God! IS HE NAMED AFTER PETER ENGEL!? — goes to the concert and the boys take over the restaurant. Sam is really impressed, since the party will give her a chance to get more teenagers to sign her useless petition. Jason and Scott get into an argument over who Sam likes and they decide to ask Stads. They don’t even notice that Stads is trying to change her image by wearing a dress.

“Just imagine if the two of us liked you,” Scott says to her, apparently unaware that Stads has a crush on him, “who would you go for?”

Stads runs from the restaurant as the audience says, “Awwww!” I actually said “awww” too. Both Jason and Scott are dicks. Poor Jennifer!

Because Jason lied and said the stars of Baywatch would be at the restaurant, way too many people show up for the party. Jason and Scott get into an argument over who is to blame and they each accuse the other of only throwing the party to get a date with Sam. Offended, Sam declares, “I wouldn’t date either of you!” Good for you, Sam, they suck.

Guess who suddenly shows up? It’s Peter and the cops! The restaurant is closed for overcrowding and Peter, as owner, is fined $500. Peter worries that maybe he’s not responsible enough to look after his sons. Maybe they need to go back to New York and live with their grandma.

The next days, Jason and Scott tells Stads and Sam that they’re leaving. “I’m never going to see you again!?” Stads says before kissing Scott. “Hey, I’m leaving too!” Jason says.

Fear not. Peter decides to give them another chance, with the understanding that there will be rules. They’re both grounded and they’re both going to have to work as busboys in the restaurant. But they can stay in Malibu and continue to compete for Sam.

“My brother doesn’t stand a chance!” Jason and Scott is unison.

Well, that happened. The first episode of Malibu CA did what a first episode should do. It introduced us to the characters and their situations and it set up future storylines. Unfortunately, almost none of the characters are particularly likable. Jason’s a jerk. Scott’s a wimp. Murray is a spoiled brat. Sam is self-righteous. Peter is a midlife crisis waiting to happen. The closest thing this show has to a likable character is Jennifer and she’s stuck with a terrible nickname. I’m an optimist and I’m fully aware that first episodes are rarely indicative of what a show is going to eventually become. I hope Malibu CA will improve. For now, though, I’m starting understand why I had never heard of it before.