What Lisa Watched Last Night #135: Sorority Murder (dir by Jesse James Miller)


Last night, I watched the Lifetime original film, Sorority Murder!

SMWhy Was I Watching It?

Well, the obvious answer is that I was watching because it was on Lifetime.  However, beyond that, I had high hopes for this film because Lifetime has a pretty good track record when it comes to over-the-top melodrama about sororities.  Remember The Haunting Of Sorority Row?

What Was It About?

Jen (Scarlett Byrne) has a lot to deal with.  She has just started her first semester at college and she already has a huge design project due.  Her alcoholic mother (Sarah-Jane Redmond) keeps getting arrested and needs her daughter to bail her out.  And, on top of all that, Jen is being harassed by the apparently crazy president of her sorority.

When the president turns up dead, everyone assumes that Jen must have killed her!  However, Jen was alone in her bedroom, working on that design project, when the crime was committed!  Can Jen track down the real murderer before the semester ends?  Will Jen’s mother ever get her drinking under control?  And will Jen ever manage to finish that project!?

You’ll have to watch the movie to find out.

What Worked?

The film’s title promised both a sorority and a murder and it totally delivered both of those things.  You have to appreciate a film that actually keeps its promises.  The murder mystery was enjoyable, if a little predictable.  I especially enjoyed the way the film portrayed the sorority as almost being a Scientology-style cult.  I was half-expecting someone to start talking about evil Lord Xenu.

Also, I liked the relationship between Jen and her mother.  It was sweet and touching, in the best Lifetime tradition.

What Did Not Work?

Sadly, the film never quite reached the heights of the greatest of all Lifetime sorority films, The Haunting of Sorority Row.  But, when taken on its own terms, the entire film worked.  It was a good Lifetime movie.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

I have never been a member of a formal sorority (though I am a member of the unofficial sisterhood of red-headed film bloggers) and I have never killed anyone, though I have been tempted.  So, unfortunately, this was the rare Lifetime film to which I could not directly relate.

Then again, when the film is about murder, that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

(Actually, I did relate to Jen’s desperate attempts to get her design project completed while dealing with all the death, lies, and cover-ups.  What’s sad is that the project itself — which showed that Jen was heavily influenced by the Bauhaus School of Design — did not look like it was that impressive.  I would have given her a C at the most.)

Lessons Learned

Stay away from sororities!  They’re murder.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #133: Patient Killer (dir by Casper Van Dien)


Last night, I watched another Lifetime premiere, Patient Killer!

Why Was I Watching It?

Well, the obvious answer is because it was on Lifetime and, like all good people, I’m kind of obsessed with the movies that they show on Lifetime.  However, I also watched it because it was directed by Casper Van Dien (who has already appeared in two of my favorite films of the year — Avengers Grimm and Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf) and it apparently featured Patrick Muldoon playing a stalker.  Patrick Muldoon is always a lot of fun whenever he’s bad.

(Derek Morris, my collaborator over at Primetime Preppie, has never quite forgiven Patrick for breaking up Kelly and Zack on Saved By The Bell.)

What Was It About?

Four years ago, therapist Victoria Wrightmar (Victoria Pratt) got too close to one of her patients and, as a result, Dylan McNalt (David Chokachi) committed suicide.  Despite the fact that Victoria has found success as a hypnotherapist, dream interpreter, and author, she is still haunted by Dylan’s death.

One day, a new patient enters her office.  Blaire Bennett (Barbie Castro) has been having nightmares and, when it turns out that she’s been suppressing memories that are similar to those that afflicted Dylan, Victoria once again starts to get too close to another patient.

However, it’s not just Blaire that Victoria has to deal with.  Her boyfriend, Jason (Casper Van Dien), has anger issues.  Another one of her patients, Derek (Patrick Muldoon), has become dangerously obsessed with her.  Both her mentor (Richard Burgi) and her administrative assistant (Stacey Dash) might have secrets of their own.  And, as strange things start to happen and those around her are threatened, a menacing police detective (Antoni Corone) enters her life as well.

Is Victoria being stalked or is she going crazy herself?  And is this movie called Patient Killer because the killer is a patient or because the killer likes to take his time?  To find out, you’ll have to watch the movie!

What Worked?

On twitter, Patrick Muldoon speculated that he would never get another date after people saw his performance as unstable Derek.  Personally, I think Muldoon was too hard on himself.  He did a really good job, finding the perfect balance between being threatening and being pathetic.  As a result, his character was both scary and sympathetic.  It looked like he had a lot of fun playing Derek and he was a lot of fun to watch.

And really, the same thing can be said about Patient Killer as a film.  It was an entertaining and enjoyably over-the-top thriller.

I loved both Victoria’s office and Blaire’s house.  Both locations were wonderfully decorated and a real delight to look at.  I’ve always said that one of the best thing about Lifetime films is getting to see where everyone works and lives and that was definitely the case with Patient Killer.

Actually, the entire film was a delight to look at.  Bernard Salzmann’s cinematography filled the frame with a combination of vibrant colors and menacing shadows.  This movie featured one of the best sunsets ever to appear on the Lifetime network.

While the film’s deliberate pace may not have been for everyone, I actually rather liked it and I felt it occasionally gave the film a surreal, almost dream-like feel.  In the end, Patient Killer felt like the Lifetime version of a classic David Lynch film noir.  (The score even sounded similar to Angelo Badalamenti’s classic Mulholland Drive score.)

What Did Not Work?

As far as I’m concerned, it all worked!

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

As someone has plenty of experience in the administrative assistance field, I totally related to the character played by Stacey Dash.

Lessons Learned

Never go to the office without a taser.  (Watch the movie and it’ll make sense.)

What Lisa Watched Last Night #132: His Secret Family (dir by Michael Feifer)


Last night, I watched the latest Lifetime original movie, His Secret Family!

Lifetime-movie-His-Secret-Family-2-July-2015

Why Was I Watching It?

Last Friday, I not only cried and cried while watching the finale of Degrassi but I also attended a blue moon party that was held in downtown Dallas.  Needless to say, I spent most of Saturday recovering and we all know that the best way to recover from a crazy night is by watching the latest Lifetime original movie!

What Was It About?

Oh my God, poor Haylie Duff!  Earlier this year, she played a woman named Sarah who married a murderer in Til Death Do Us Part.  In His Secret Family, she again plays a woman named Sarah and, once again, she is married to a murderer!  Of course, in this case, her husband is not just a murderer.  He’s got another wife, another family, and another really big house.  It turns out that Sarah is actually the secret wife.

David O’Donnell plays the husband.  When he’s with Sarah, he claims that his name is Jason Goodman.  When he’s with his other family, he uses the name David Marcus.  So is it Jason or David?  Well, regardless of his actual name, he’s more than a little insane.  When he realizes that it’s simply too expensive to support Sarah and their son, Brandon, David decides to both vanish and to frame Sarah for murder.

However, Sarah happens to be best friends with the detective (Parker Stevenson) working her case.  Even though she’s a major suspect in a murder investigation, he allows her to leave town so she can go up to Santa Monica and track down her husband.

Oh, and did I mention that Brandon needs a bone marrow transplant?  And that only David is a match?

What Worked?

This movie was fun in a “how much more batshit insane can this movie get” sort of way.  It wasn’t just that David/Jason was a bigamist with rage problems.  No, this movie also made his a sociopath who coldly refused to do anything to save his son’s life.  Perhaps the film’s best scene was when Sarah confronted David about his secret life, just to have David calmly respond, “Do I know you?”  David O’Donnell was obviously having a lot of fun playing such an insane character and, as a result, he was a lot of fun to watch.

Add to that, since David had two families, he also had two houses.  And seriously, they were both totally to die for!  One thing that I love about Lifetime movies is that everyone owns a big house and the inside of the house is always so incredibly clean and tasteful.  For a hyperorganized germaphobe like me, a Lifetime house would be the equivalent of paradise.  And this film had two of them!

What Did Not Work?

The whole film was full of plot holes and while I usually say that it’s not necessary for a Lifetime movie to make sense, some of the holes in this case were rather deep.  For instance, I could believe that David would end up with two families.  And I could buy that David would eventually realize that it’s cheaper to only have one family.  But, with all that in mind, I never quite understood the whole point of David trying to frame Sarah for murder.  David was already easy enough to hate without tossing in a random murder.  If anything, David just seemed to making things unnecessarily complicated.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

Much like Sarah, I often find myself driving to different towns and claiming to be a real estate agent just so I can take a tour of a nice house.  It’s fun!

Lessons Learned

Secrets, secrets are no fun.  Secrets, secrets hurt someone.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #130: Double Daddy (dir by Lee Friedlander)


Why was I tired enough to tweet that?  Because late last night, after a very long day of work and dance, I rewatched the Lifetime original movie Double Daddy.

Double Daddy

Why Was I Watching It?

I’m still in the process of trying to clear up space on my DVR.  So, last night, as I battled my need for sleep, I forced myself to rewatch a Lifetime film from June so that I could review it and erase it.  I didn’t care much for Double Daddy the first time that I watched it and the second time, I cared for it even less.

And, of course, because I stayed up to watch it a second time, I was exhausted for most of today.  Bleh.

What Was It About?

BLEH!

Okay, I guess that doesn’t tell you much.  Connor (Cameron Palatas) is a high school jock who, at the start of the film, is drunkenly stumbling around the most boring high school party ever.  New girl Heather (Brittany Curran) ends up having a one night stand with him.  As a result, Heather gets pregnant.  At the same time, Connor’s girlfriend, Amanda (Mollee Gray), discovers that she’s pregnant as well!

That’s right — Connor’s about to be a double daddy!

Of course, since this is a Lifetime film, Heather is also a psycho who carries a knife and starts to plot Amanda’s death…

It all probably sounds more interesting than it actually is.

What Worked?

I was tempted to say that nothing worked about Double Daddy but that’s not quite true.  Brittany Curran was memorably demented in the role of Heather.  In fact, she gave such a good performance that I found myself rooting for Heather, regardless of how much of a murderous psycho she eventually turned out to be.  Heather may have been crazy but at least she wasn’t boring.

What Did Not Work?

I’m just going to say it: of the many Lifetime films that I’ve watched over the years, Double Daddy is one of my least favorite.  No, it’s not as bad as The Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story but then again, what is?  With the exception of Brittany Curran, the performances are dull and the actors get no help from a script that is both heavy-handed and simple-minded.

Perhaps worst of all, there’s a nasty strain of slut shaming that runs through Double Daddy.  Amanda and Heather are held to different standards while Connor is held to no standard at all.  Judgmental and bland Amanda is presented as being saintly, largely because she only has sex with a serious boyfriend and presumably only after finishing her homework.  Heather, on the other hand, becomes pregnant as the result of a drunken one night stand and, perhaps not surprisingly, is also portrayed as being a complete psycho who eventually tries to murder Amanda.  While we’re obviously meant to feel sorry for Amanda, the film allows absolutely no sympathy for Heather.  Completely absolved of any responsibility is Connor, who we are actually supposed to feel sorry for because crazy Heather is keeping him from being with Amanda, the same girl that he previously cheated on!  BLEH!

As well, let’s consider the fact that saintly Amanda and victimized Connor both come from typical upper class Lifetime families while Heather is the only character to come from a lower class background.

Seriously, exploring the subtext of Double Daddy is not a pleasant activity.

What makes all this especially upsetting is that Double Daddy was directed by Lee Friedlander, who previously directed the brilliant Babysitter’s Black Book.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

Much like Heather, I always used school field trips as an excuse to go off on my own.  I never pulled a knife on anyone though.

Lessons Learned

We live in a twisted and hypocritical world.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #129: Accidental Obsession (dir by George Erschbamer)


Last night, I watched the Lifetime premiere of Accidental Obsession.

Caroline Cave stars in Accidental Obsession

Caroline Cave stars in Accidental Obsession

Why Was I Watching It?

After A Deadly Adoption, Trigger Point, and Lethal Seduction, it is obvious that Lifetime is on a roll.  In the future, when we look back at the history of Lifetime movies, 2015 will definitely be seen as a high point.  Naturally, how could I not excited by the idea of a Lifetime movie premiering on Sunday?  Surely, Accidental Obsession would prove to be yet another Lifetime masterpiece…

What Was It About?

After Carly (Caroline Cave) escapes from a mental asylum, she murders and steals the identity of a travel writer named Vanessa.  She then manages to meet and befriend an attorney named Heather (Josie Davis).

Within a matter of days, Vanessa has become clingy and possessive.  Not only does she regularly break into Heather’s house but she borrows Heather’s clothes without asking as well!  (Breaking and entering is one thing.  Borrowing without asking permission is something else all together!)  However, it turns out that Vanessa is not the only person obsessed with Heather.  There’s also Heather’s ex-husband, Ray (Sebastian Spence) and a private investigator named Jack (Marc Menard).

(This movie could have just as easily been called Everyone Loves Heather.)

How far will Vanessa go to have Heather all to herself?  Well, Vanessa is kind of a crazy stabby psycho so you can probably guess what ends up happening.

What Worked?

Josie Davis is a Lifetime veteran and, as a result, she knew exactly the right type of performance to give in a film like Accidental Obsession.  As well, Caroline Cave gave a good performance as the psycho Vanessa.

What Did Not Work?

Sad to say, this was definitely a lesser Lifetime film.  The film opens with Carly stabbing Vanessa to death with a huge butcher knife.  Despite the fact that Carly stabbed Vanessa repeatedly, there’s absolutely no blood seen on the knife or Carly afterwards.  It was distracting and it pretty much set the tone for the entire film.  Accidental Obsession definitely felt like a movie that was too rushed to pay much attention to details like blood.

Naturally, all Lifetime film require a certain suspension of disbelief.  Accidental Obsession required a bit too much suspending.  For the entire film’s plot to even come close to making sense, Heather had to be a total and complete idiot.  And it’s true that there are idiots out there but they usually don’t make for compelling protagonists.

There’s also a scene of totally gratuitous animal cruelty.  While I understand that the filmmakers were trying to show us how crazy and dangerous Vanessa really was, those two facts had already been pretty firmly established.  As a result, the scene just felt sadistic and unnecessary.

Finally, Accidental Obsession is way too generic of a title.  Add to that, no one’s obsession was really accidental.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

You meet someone, you try to be nice, and the next thing you know, that person is determined to be a part of every minute of your life.  Yes, Lifetime, I’ve been there…

Lessons Learned

Be suspicious of people who steal identities, want to be your best friend, and attempt to stab your ex-husband to death.  They’re probably up to no good.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #128: Lethal Seduction (dir by Nancy Leopardi)


Last night, I watched the latest Lifetime original film, Lethal Seduction!

dina-meyer-at-lethal-seduction-2015-stills_3

Why Was I Watching It?

Because it was on Lifetime, of course!  Plus, with a name like Lethal Seduction, you knew it had to be good.  It’s not quite as great a title as A Deadly Adoption or Babysitter’s Black Book but it’s close.

What Was It About?

Mark Richards (Caleb Ruminer) seems like he has a great future ahead of him.  He’s a high school senior who has invented a new app and who is going to be attending Princeton in the fall.  Sweet Melanie (Tessa Harnetiaux) has a crush on him.  His best friend, Walter (Sam Lerner), is so desperately uncool that he makes Mark look really hot by comparison.  His widowed mother, Tanya (Amanda Detmer), is extremely overprotective but, fortunately, she’s being distracted by her new boyfriend, Randy (Brian Smith).

(Randy and Tanya work at the local aquarium and the entire film is full of oddly pensive close-ups of sharks and jellyfish swimming around.  They don’t have anything to do with the plot but they are pretty to look at.)

One day, while at the hardware store, Mark meets Carissa (Dina Meyer).  Carissa invites Mark home with her and soon, Mark is showering with Carissa, swimming naked with Carissa, having sex with Carissa, and getting handcuffed by Carissa.  (And why not?  App developers are sexy!)  Walter is jealous.  Melanie is scared.  And Tanya does not approve, especially after Carissa starts to encourage Mark to skip college and instead, move in with her.

That’s right, Carissa is an obsessive and homicidal cougar!  And, just in case you needed any reminded that she’s crazy, the film is called Lethal Seduction

What Worked?

This film was a lot of fun.  Frequent TSL commenter Doc Zeke and I had a lot of fun live tweeting it over on twitter.  The film is totally melodramatic, over the top, and ridiculous in that wonderful Lifetime fashion.  It was all very silly but it was a lot of fun as well.

Plus, Dina Meyer fully committed herself to playing the murderous Carissa.  She gleefully attacked the role with almost as much energy that Carissa devoted to attacking anyone who dared to stand between her and Mark.

What Did Not Work?

The film is full of close-ups of sharks and yet the sharks themselves are never really relevant to the plot.  Don’t introduce a shark unless someone’s going to end up getting eaten by the end of the film.

“OMG!  Just like me!” Moments

I related to Melanie.  It’s unfortunate that neither Mark nor fate treated her better.

Lessons Learned

All of Mark’s troubles could have been avoided if he had just listened to his mother and done exactly what she said.  That’s actually a pretty common Lifetime lesson.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #127: Her Infidelity (dir by Christie Will)


Last night, I watched Her Infidelity, a Lifetime film that’s been sitting on my DVR since April.

HIWhy Was I Watching It?

I recently discovered that I only had room on my DVR to record another 10 hours worth of programming.  With SyFy scheduled to show several original shark films next weekend, I knew that I had to make room on the DVR.  Otherwise, I would run the risk of the DVR automatically deleting the oldest recordings and I am sorry but there is no way that I’m going to allow Bend It Like Beckham to be erased.  So, with all that in mind, I’m finally getting around to watching some of the movies that I recorded earlier this year.  I started with Her Infidelity, a Lifetime film from April.

What Was It About?

Following the tragic death of his wife and daughter, creepy mask enthusiast Grayson Kendall (Clayton Chitty) gets a job working as an elementary school teacher.  Grayson also volunteers to be the latest teacher liaison to the PTA.

The president of the PTA is Lily Helms (Rachel Hunter), whose son happens to be one of Grayson’s students!  Lily is married but her husband (Lane Edwards) seems to be more concerned with work than with his marriage.  Lily feels neglected, Grayson makes little secret of the fact that he finds her attractive, and can we be surprised that eventually they end up having sex in a motel while Grayson wears one of his masks?

Lily’s husband comes home and promises to be a better spouse and also explains that, despite what Lily assumed, he was not having an affair with his secretary.  Lily wants nothing else to do with Grayson but Grayson has become both obsessed with her and friends with Lily’s husband.  Even worse, he’s now dating Lily’s best friend (Miranda Frigon)!

What Worked?

I liked Her Infidelity.  It told a pretty standard Lifetime story but director Christie Will created a dream-like atmosphere and added enough surreal touches that the audience was kept off-balance.  Up until the very end of the film, I was expecting Lily to suddenly wake up and discover that she had just been having a particularly vivid fantasy.

As well, Her Infidelity — much like A Deadly Adoption — deserves credit for taking everything to its logical extreme.  Grayson isn’t just your standard Lifetime stalker.  Instead, he’s one of the creepiest characters to ever appear on Lifetime or any other network.

One thing I especially appreciated was the fact that, no matter how oddly Grayson behaved, Lily was apparently the only person who noticed.  Everyone around her was so amazingly oblivious.  Even Lily’s husband insisted that Grayson was just a nice guy.  It all helped to create an appropriate atmosphere of paranoia and helplessness.

(It also confirmed one of my own long-held beliefs: people are a lot more stupid than you assume.)

What Did Not Work?

As far as I’m concerned, it all worked.  It was Lifetime movie that promised infidelity, melodrama, and masked men.  And it delivered on all three!

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

Naturally, I related to Lily’s best friend, the red-headed real estate agent played by Miranda Frigon.  Hopefully, however, I have a better taste in men.

Lessons Learned

Cleaning up the DVR can be fun!

What Lisa Watched Last Night #126: Trigger Point (dir by Philippe Gagnon)


Yesterday, I watched the Canadian film Trigger Point on the Lifetime Movie Network.

Trigger Point

Why Was I Watching It?

Oh, why not?  It was Sunday, I was still recovering from a very active Independence Day, and it was on the Lifetime Movie Network.  You know me.  I can’t resist Lifetime.

What Was It About?

College student Callie Banner (Jordan Hinson) blames a Big Evil Corporation for her father losing his job and becoming an alcoholic.  So, she gets involved in a campus protest group.  Soon, she is ignoring all of her old, apolitical friends and spending all of her time chanting slogans and raising her fist in solidarity.  She breaks up with her old boyfriend and is soon dating the charismatic Jared Church (Yanni Gellman).

However, something strange is happening.  Former members of the protest group are dying and their wealthy parents are being blown up.  The cops call it murder/suicide but could it just be murder/murder?  That’s what Callie has to find out, while still also finding time to paint signs, hang banners, and come up with catchy slogans.

What Worked?

Trigger Point confirmed all of my long-held suspicions about political activists.  Good work, Trigger Point.

What Did Not Work?

I was about to complain about the fact that Callie came across as being a humorless scold but then again, that aspect of her character worked as far as the film’s plot was concerned.  If Callie wasn’t a humorless scold, she never would have gotten involved with the protesters in the first place.  And while it can be argued that the film suffered because Callie is such an unlikable character, I would suggest that Callie being so unlikable actually worked to the film’s advantage.  If she had been likable, you would have actually been worried about her well-being and the film would not have been as much fun.  But since she wasn’t likable, you never really cared how many terrible things happened to her.

So, though it may not have been due to the intentions of the filmmakers, the entire film works.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

I imagine if I was the type to get involved in a political protest, I’d probably act a lot like Callie.  I would totally throw myself into it, I’d flirt with the leaders, I would be judgmental towards anyone who didn’t want to protest, and, in the end, I would discover that everyone around me was a murderer.  That’s one reason why I never got involved with the Occupy movement, no matter how many times I was invited.

Lessons Learned

Don’t get involved in any student protests.  Seriously, they always seem to lead to murder.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #125: Perfect High (dir by Vanessa Parise)


Last night, I watched the first post-Deadly Adoption Lifetime movie, Perfect High!

Why Was I Watching It?

Because it was on Lifetime and it was about a dancer, of course!

What Was It About?

Amanda (Bella Thorne) is a suburban teen who loves to dance.  But, after an injury, she gets hooked on prescription pills.  She also becomes best friends with druggie Riley (Daniela Bobadilla), Riley’s boyfriend Nate (Ross Butler), and Carson (Israel Broussard).  Soon, Carson and Amanda are dating and they become perhaps the most boring couple in history.  Of course, since this is Lifetime, the prescription drug abuse quickly leads to heroin, death, and a minute-long rehab scene.

What Worked?

The film did a good job of capturing both the excitement of dancing and the sheer terror of being injured and knowing that, as a result, you can’t do what you love.

What Did Not Work?

The whole movie was just so predictable and so slow.  Don’t get me wrong.  I understand that a Lifetime film about teenagers using drugs isn’t going to exactly be unpredictable.  From the start of the film, I knew that one of the four friends was going to have to die and I easily guessed which one it was going to be.  That’s just the way it works, somebody always has to die in these films.

But the problem is that we are now living in a post-Deadly Adoption age.  After seeing every single Lifetime convention skewered last week, it’s hard to go back to taking any of those conventions seriously.  The whole time I was watching the film, I kept expecting Will Ferrell to suddenly show and start bellowing, “SHE NEEDS HER MEDICINE!”

As well, Perfect High moved way too slowly for its own good.  As characters, Amanda, Riley, Nate, and Carson all fell flat.  Even before they ended up as drug addicts, they seemed like they wouldn’t be that interesting of a group to hang out with.  Before doing drugs, they spent all their time laying on the couch.  After doing drugs … well, that couch became even more comfortable.  For an anti-drug film to really work, you have to mourn what the character could have been if not for their addictions.  But, in Perfect High, everyone seemed to be just as dull regardless of whether they were high or not.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!”  Moments

The movie was about a red-haired dancer who popped too many pills in high school.  Oh my God, just like me!

Lessons Learned

Stay away from that heroin, kids.  Of course, I already knew that.  Even when I was going through my phase where I wanted to experiment with and try everything, I still knew better than to ever use heroin.  (Actually, to be honest, I should say that if I had ever had the opportunity to try heroin, I would have politely declined.  Fortunately, I never even had to deal with being offered heroin, which I guess is the benefit of going to both a high school and a college where everyone was too busy smoking weed to worry about harder drugs.)  Whenever I see a movie like Perfect High, I always wonder how the characters involved have never seen any other movies about heroin abuse.

I mean, don’t they watch Lifetime!?

ph

Yes, A Deadly Adoption Was A Comedy…


deadly-adoption

Last night, an article appeared on Mashable in which I was declared to be one of the  “20 people who totally get the ridiculousness of Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig’s ‘A Deadly Adoption.”  At the time, I was incredibly flattered but also somewhat incredulous.  If I was one of the 20 people who understood that the latest Lifetime film, A Deadly Adoption, was meant to be a drier than dry comedy then that meant that there were presumably people out there who did not get the joke.

And how could that be!? I wondered.

In case you missed it, on April 1st, a story was leaked that Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig were secretly making a film for Lifetime.  The title of that film was A Deadly Adoption and early reports indicated that it was going to be a serious Lifetime film.  Because the story came out on April Fools Day, a lot of us assumed it was a joke.

However, then Will Ferrell announced that no, it was not a joke.  But now that news of the film had been leaked, he was prepared to close down production and make sure that the film never saw the light of day.  Now, whether Will was being serious in his anger or not is debatable.  (It’s easier to imagine Ron Burgundy having that reaction than Will Ferrell.)  But, regardless, cooler heads prevailed and soon, Lifetime viewers like me were enjoying commercials that featured Jessica Lowndes pointing a gun at a very grim and bearded Will Ferrell.

deadly-adoption-trailer

As the premiere approached, critics and viewers alike wondered if A Deadly Adoption was meant to be a serious film or if it was going to be a comedy.  Those who felt that the film was meant to be serious pointed out that the commercials for the film contained absolutely no hint that it might be a comedy.  Those who thought it was a comedy simply said, “Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig.”

As for me, I pretty much knew what A Deadly Adoption was going to be from the minute that I discover it was being produced by the same people behind Spoils of Babylon.  And, when I watched the film last night, my suspicions were confirmed.  A Deadly Adoption is a drier-than-dry satire, a film that mashes together every single Lifetime movie trope in order to create the ultimate Lifetime experience.  A Deadly Adoption gets its laughs by refusing to openly acknowledge that it’s gone totally over-the-top.  Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig both give extremely serious performances, with the humor coming from the fact that they are, with extremely straight faces, delivering dialogue and dealing with situations that are both ludicrous and yet very familiar to anyone who has ever spent a weekend binging on Lifetime.  The end result is that A Deadly Adoption both satirizes and pays tribute to everything that we love about a good Lifetime film.

(Does that make A Deadly Adoption the Sharknado of Lifetime movies?  Technically, yes.  But let’s not say that too loudly because Mia Farrow might hear and decide to live tweet the next showing.)

As for the film itself, it tells the story of Robert (Will Ferrell) and his wife, Sarah (Kristen Wiig).  Robert is a financial author who is also a recovering alcoholic with anger management issues.  (Significantly, everyone always talks about how angry Robert is, despite the fact that we never actually see him lose his temper.)  We know that Robert is a writer because he skypes with his agent and tells her stuff like, “Let’s cut chapter four.”  Sarah, meanwhile, has a typical Lifetime movie career.  She sells organic food at the local farmer’s market.  And, like all Lifetime movie heroines, she has a token and obviously doomed gay best friend named Charlie (Bryan Safi).

Years ago, as the result of an accident on a dock, a pregnant Sarah nearly drowned and lost her baby.  As a result, Robert is incredibly protective of their other daughter, Sully (Aylvvia Alyn Lind). (As part of the A Deadly Adoption drinking game, take a drink every time Will Ferrell says, “She needs her medicine!”)  Robert is also now scared of going out on the water so you better believe that the film’s conclusion is going to involve Robert in a tiny boat.

Anyway, Robert and Sarah want to adopt the unborn child of Bridget (Jessica Lowndes) but what they don’t know is that Bridget has plans of her own.  Upon accepting their offer to live with them until she gives birth, Bridget starts to subtly disrupt the lives of Robert and Sarah.  That right, she’s obsessed!  And, of course, she’s got a redneck boyfriend (Jake Weary) who drives a pickup truck and has a lot of “dangerous” tattoos.  And…

Well, I could actually devote a few thousand words to telling you the plot of A Deadly Adoption.  A lot of stuff happens.  In fact, every single plot point from every single Lifetime film ever made gets used at some point.  Everything about this film — from the acting to the direction to the tasteful decor of Robert and Sarah’s house to the almost obsessive focus on Jessica Lowndes’s cleavage — is designed to make this film look like a typical Lifetime film.

The brilliance of it comes from the fact that Ferrell, Wiig, Lowndes, and Weary all deliver their increasingly ludicrous lines with such intense commitment and low-key seriousness.  (Kristen Wiig, in particular, is great.)  With the exception of one line about lighter fluid and a dance party at the end of the film, there’s nothing in A Deadly Adoption that plays for obvious laughs.  Instead, the film is a two-hour inside joke and, if you get the joke, you’re one of the cool kids.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of uncool kids out there and a lot of them did not get the joke.  If you check out the comments left on the film’s imdb page, you’ll discover that there’s still a lot of people out there who are wondering whether this was meant to be a serious film or not.

*Sigh*

To quote Ron Burgundy, “GREAT ODIN’S RAZOR!”

(Did he say that?  Sounds like something he would say.)

Anyway, to answer those who still do not know — yes, A Deadly Adoption was a comedy.

And it was a brilliant one at that!

This is what I feel like doing when people say they don't know if A Deadly Adoption was supposed to be funny.

This is what I feel like doing whenever people say they don’t know if A Deadly Adoption was supposed to be funny.