Jill Wagner | Through the Shattered Lens

Seth (Paulo Costanzo) and Polly (Jill Wagner) thought they were going to enjoy a nice weekend camping in Oklahoma. Unfortunately, as they drove out to the campsite, two unexpected things occurred.

First off, they got carjacked by Dennis (Shea Whigham) and his drug addict girlfriend, Lacey (Rachel Kerbs). Dennis was a murderer who had just escaped from prison so, needless to say, he really needed a ride.

Secondly, after getting a flat tire, the foursome pulled their vehicle into a lonely gas station. At first, it didn’t appear that there were any attendants at the station but that quickly proved to be incorrect. There was an attendant at the station but, unfortunately, he had been infected by a weird space fungus that transformed him into a homicidal monster. Soon, Dennis and his hostages are trapped as infected humans and animals laid siege to the station.

That’s the plot of the 2008 film, Splinter. Splinter is a good example of a genre of horror film that’s known as the “dumbasses get trapped out in the middle of nowhere” genre. I’ve actually driven through and occasionally even lived in Oklahoma and Arkansas and, if my memories are correct, there really aren’t as many deserted shacks and gas stations as you might think. But, in the movies, there’s at least a dozen sitting off the side of every country road. Inevitably, a character will make the mistake of going into that deserted building and suddenly it’s zombie apocalypse time! Or, if the zombies are busy, aliens might land. Or some hulking dude wearing a burlap sack and carrying an axe might show up.

It’s a popular genre, mostly because it exploits a very real fear. Anytime you enter a previously unknown location, especially if you’re alone and it’s the middle of the night, you’re aware that anything could happen. It’s probable that you’ll just run into someone working the night shift and he’ll make some awkward joke while you’re getting a coke out of the cooler. But it’s also possible that you might walk in on a robbery or a murder or a zombie outbreak or an alien invasion or Kirk Cameron might be there, forcing everyone to watch Saving Christmas. I mean, these things could happen! And then, what can you do? You’re stuck there, in an unfamiliar place. The only thing you know is that something nearby is plotting to attack you. That’s not something that we like to think about but the risk is always there. (For the record, I don’t believe in zombies, aliens, or Kirk Cameron but still….)

Splinter does a pretty good job tapping into those very real fears. Yes, the monsters and the deaths are memorably grotesque and there’s a lot of gore (for those of you who are into that) but the film is most effective when it concentrates on the claustrophobic atmosphere of that isolated gas station. From the start, the film creates a feeling of unease and, once the main characters find themselves trapped in that gas station, there’s not a slow spot to be found. Once a person or an animal is infected by the fungus, it becomes relentless in its efforts to destroy. Finally, the film is dominated by the great Shea Whigham, who gives a ferocious but charismatic performance as Dennis. Surely, I’m not the only viewer who watched this movie and thought Polly should dump Seth for the convict, am I?

Splinter is a good film for Halloween. Clocking in at 82 minutes, it won’t leave you bored and it will definitely stick in your mind anytime you stop by a gas station late at night.

When I saw the ads for this I was worried that it was basically going to be Your Love Never Fails 2. While it does share some similarities, it’s just an average romantic comedy, nothing more.

The movie opens up in Iowa with a teenage couple. Annie (Jill Wagner) who is 18 and Ben (Colin Egglesfield) who is 19. In short order they elope. Her father catches them and says the marriage is going to be annulled. He takes her home. Cut to 15 years later and you can guess.

The marriage was never annulled, both of them are going to be married soon, and they never explain why it wasn’t annulled. They just quickly say there must have been a paperwork mix up and that’s all of that. However, that also assumes that her, at legal age as a judge reminds us later, would have had no part in the annulment process. It just doesn’t make sense.

Anyways, she still lives at home working the farm. He moved to New York City and works on the stock market. She goes to New York City so they can both get a divorce, but there’s a little problem. His wedding date requires a very quick divorce that the judge isn’t willing to supply especially after Annie and Ben have a little spat in the courtroom.

But enough of that, because you know exactly where that plot line goes. You don’t need me to lay it out for you. I want to draw your attention to one of the things that stands out in this film. It’s one of the supporting actors. His name is Matty Finochio who plays the lawyer trying to make the divorce happen for the couple. When they give him the chance he’s very funny. I’m not sure why they felt this already screwball comedy plot setup needed to fall back on so much of the traditional Hallmark romance formula.

There is this great scene where Ben’s fiancee comes up to him just after he got of court for the first time. From left to right: Annie, Ben, The Lawyer, and the Fiancee. It goes like this:

Fiancee: “I stopped by your office after seeing the architect. Guess what? You weren’t there. So I looked at your calendar. It said “court”. Nothing about a pretty girl.”
As the lawyer points to Annie: “This isn’t a pretty girl.”
Fiancee: “I think she could pass for pretty.”
Lawyer: “No. Annie’s my client…”

Obviously, I can’t do it justice with words alone, but trust me that he has good comedic timing. Every time he shows up he’s delightful.

I know the other two actors are probably not the most versatile, but they seemed like they could have done this in a more comedic manner. It’s a lost opportunity.

The only other thing to mention is a goof I spotted. The same paragraph appears twice in the same newspaper article back to back.

The rest of the movie is exactly what you expect. Perfectly average Hallmark romance with somewhat lackluster acting from the leads. Just remember that if you watch it, pay attention to the lawyer. If you want to see Matty Finochio some more afterwards then he is also in the Hallmark film So You Said Yes.