The TSL’s Daily Horror Grindhouse: Amityville II: The Possession (dir by Damiano Damiani)

Posted on October 22, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Agck!

The 1982 “prequel” Amityville II: The Possession is a film that is so grimy and icky and yucky and disgusting that you’ll want to take a shower right after you watch it. And then you’ll probably end up taking two more showers, just to be sure that you’ve washed the film away.

Seriously, this is an amazingly disturbing film.

Claiming to show how that infamous house in Amityville, New York came to be haunted in the first place, this film opens with The Montelli Family moves into a big house with quarter moon windows. The family patriarch is Anthony (Burt Young), a former cop who walks with a cane. Anthony is an angry monster, an abusive husband, and a terrible father. His wife, Dolores (Rutanya Alda), lives her life in denial, insisting that a new house means a new beginning and continually praying that her family will find peace. Anthony and Dolores have four children. The two youngest are at the mercy of their angry father. Teenagers Patricia (Diane Franklin) and Sonny (Jack Magner) are both looking forward to the day that they can escape their family.

As soon as the Montellis move in, strange things start to happen. It turns out that there’s a strange tunnel in the basement, one that appears to lead to nowhere. When obscene messages appear on the walls of the house, Anthony starts to beat the youngest children but, fortunately, Sonny grabs a rifle and points it at his father’s head. When the local priest, Father Adamsky (James Olson), shows up to bless the house, he ends up getting so disgusted at Anthony that he leaves without finishing.

In fact, Father Adamsy is a remarkable ineffectual priest. When he attempts to talk to Sonny, he simply assumes that Sonny isn’t talking because he’s rude. What Adamsky doesn’t suspect is that Sonny’s being rude because he’s been possessed by a demon for the basement! When Patricia confesses that she and Sonny have been having sex, Adamsky doesn’t do anything about it. When Patricia tries to call him to let him know that her brother appears to be possessed, Adamsky refuses to answer the phone and instead goes skiing for the weekend.

And, of course, while Adamsky is gone, Sonny grabs that rifle and, in a nightmare-inducing series of scenes, kills everyone in the house…

Of course, when Father Adamsky returns, he feels guilty and he decides to perform an exorcism. MAYBE HE SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT EARLIER! But no … he had to go skiing…

Anyway, Amityville II: The Possession is a deeply icky film. It’s undeniably effective and has a lot of scary moments but it’s not an easy film to sit through. Between Anthony beating his family and Sonny walking into Patricia’s room and asking her to “play a game,” this is a film that really gets under your skin. You’ll never forget it but, at the same time, you’ll also never want to watch it again.

Interestingly enough, Amityville II was directed by Damiano Damiani, an Italian director who is probably best known for movies like A Bullet For The General and Confessions of a Police Captain, genre films that often featured a subversive political subtext. Though Amityvile II is not overly political, the film’s portrait of the suburban Montelli family as a ticking time bomb does definitely fit in with Damiani’s other work. Damiani reportedly set out to make the most disturbing film that he possibly could and he succeeded.

The TSL’s Daily Horror Grindhouse: Long Time Dead (dir by Marcus Adams)

Posted on October 21, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Am I the only person in the world who likes the 2002 British horror film, Long Time Dead?

I sometimes think that I may be. Whenever I mention the film to anyone, they either say they’ve never heard of it or they kind of roll their eyes. I have yet to read a positive review online. Long Time Dead has only got a 4.9 rating at the imdb, which is saying something because usually even the worst of films can still manage to score at least a 6.0.

So, I guess it’s true. I guess only I like Long Time Dead.

Now, I should clarify that, just because I like a movie, that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s very good. Long Time Dead is definitely a flawed film. This is one of those films where an evil spirit — in this case, a fire demon known as a djinn — pursues a group of friends, killing them one-by-one. There are eight friends, which seems to be a bit excessive for a 94 minute film. We’re never quite sure how all of these characters got to know each other in the first place. Some of them appear to be college students. Four of them share a flat. Another one lives on a boat. And as for the other three, they appear to all live in the same building but still, you’re never really sure how everyone is related.

What’s odd is that we only really get to know five of the eight characters, which again leads the viewer to wonder why we needed the other three. We know that Spencer (James Hillier) is perpetually stoned and that all of this is kind of his fault because he’s the one who suggested that the group should use a Ouija board to try to contact a spirit. We know that his girlfriend, Lucy (Marsha Thomason), knows about the supernatural and, for some reason, lives on a boat. We know that Liam (Alec Newman) was traumatized when his father murdered his mother. We know that Liam’s girlfriend, Annie (Melanie Gutteridge), has asthma. We know that Rob (Joe Absolom) appears to be a nice guy. And then there’s Webster (Lukas Haas), Stella (Lara Belmont), and Joe (Mel Raido), who don’t really have any reason for being in the movie.

(Seriously, what is respected Texas character actor and friend-of-Leonardo-DiCaprio Lukas Haas doing in a low-budget British horror film?)

At first, we’re led to believe that the djinn is killing people because it’s upset that it was dragged out of its world by the Ouija board. But, as the film progresses, we learn that the djinn has a personal score to settle with one of his potential victims. We also learn that someone may or may not be possessed by the djinn. It’s all a bit too much to keep track of. I’ve read rumors that Long Time Dead was a difficult production and the fact that the film has seven credited writers might provide a clue as to why the film is such a narrative mess.

And yet, despite all of that, I still like Long Time Dead.

Why?

The reason is very simple.

The movie scared me.

Maybe it was because I was watching it late at night and I had the lights out or maybe it was because, as an asthmatic, I related to poor Annie but Long Time Dead scared the Hell out of me the first time I saw it. Not only is the film full of effective jump scenes but the djinn is a terrifying monster. He’s relentless, ruthless, and merciless. I think what truly scared me is that the djinn would attack anyone anywhere. There was literally nowhere that you could hide from it.

Long Time Dead is no classic but it still made me scream.

The TSL’s Daily Horror Grindhouse: High Tension (dir by Alexandre Aja)

Posted on October 20, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Oh God.

As I watched the end of High Tension, my immediate reaction was to storm out of my office, walk down the hallway, kick open the door to Arleigh’s mancave and yell at him for recommending this film to me. But then, I realized that Arleigh never recommended that I watch High Tension. He recommended La Horde and I got my French horror movies mixed up.

So, Arleigh is off the hook. I have no one to blame but myself and the filmmakers.

Anyway, High Tension is one of those films that starts out well but then totally falls apart due to a big twist that doesn’t make any sense. It’s also a pretty obvious rip-off of a Dean Koontz novel called Intensity. Intensity is a really good book, by the way. Perhaps not coincidentally, that awful twist that ruins High Tension is not present in Intensity. That twist was the one original thing that was contributed to High Tension and it pretty much ruined the whole movie.

Anyway, in High Tension, Marie (Cecile de France) and Alex (Maiwenn) are law students and best friends. Marie is spending the weekend with Alex’s family. She meets Alex’s mom. She meets Alex’s dad. She walks around at night and smokes a cigarette and sits on a swing and briefly spies on Alex as she showers. And then, during the night, a killer (Philippe Nahon) suddenly shows up, kills mom and dad, and kidnaps Alex! Determined to save her friend’s life, Marie chases the killer across the French countryside. For a while, she’s locked in the killer’s truck with Marie. And then, later on, she’s in a car and she’s chasing the truck. Because of the twist, it’s important to pay attention to the scenes where Marie is in a car and chasing the killer’s truck. Because, honestly, I’m not sure how any of that was supposed to have actually happened…

See, I love a good twist. I love a clever twist. I love an implausible twist. I love twists that are totally and completely over the top. What I do not like is a totally and completely unfair twist, one that cheats by basically defying the laws of the physics.

What’s truly unfortunate is that the film works perfectly without the twist. The twist is not necessary. (For proof, just read Intensity.) Up until the twist, the film is well-directed and suspenseful. Cecile de France, Maiween, and Nahon all give excellent performances. The film’s graphic violence may be excessive but it’s still undeniably effective. The nightmare-inducing gore effects were provided by Giannetto De Rossi, who created some of the most effective zombie makeup of all time for Lucio Fulci’s Zombi 2.

I mean, there’s so much that works and then just hit that twist and you shout, “Dammit!”

It could have been so good.

The TSL’s Daily Horror Grindhouse: Subject 0: Shattered Memories (dir by Tiziano Cella)

Posted on October 19, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last year, I had the chance to watch Subject 0: Shattered Memories, the feature-length debut of director Tiziano Cella.

Subject 0 is a film that juggles several different but ultimately connected storylines. In Rome, a woman wakes up one morning to discover that her lover has been murdered while she was asleep. Her husband, at first, acts as if he’s shocked to discover that she was cheating on him but, as the film progresses, we have reason to doubt anything that he says. As the film progresses, more and more people turn up murdered. A police inspector tries to solve the crime but he has no idea that one his colleagues has an agenda of her own.

Meanwhile, Josh (played by the film’s director) divides his time between his apartment and work. He has a crush on a co-worker but she already has a boyfriend. Josh’s neighbor continually threatens to call the police on him for making too much noise. All the while, Josh finds himself having hallucinations and comes to realize that there are huge chunks of his day that he cannot remember. Is Josh the murderer or is there something else going on?

And could it have anything to do with a group of sinister business executives who have been working on a project to develop a super soldier?

As a lot of our readers I know, I absolutely love old school Italian thrillers. Whether it’s the classic giallo films of Mario Bava, Dario Argento, and Sergio Martino or the gore-filled waking nightmares of Lucio Fulci, I love Italian horror. Subject 0 is a throwback to those old horror films, which is one reason why I enjoyed it. It combined the gore of Fulci with the suspense of Bava and the imagery of Argento and, as a result, Subject 0 is a tribute to everything that we love about Italian horror.

With the way that Subject O combined multiple storylines, body horror, conspiracy paranoia, and domestic drama, it also reminded me a bit of the classic British horror film, Scream and Scream Again. Much like that film, Subject 0 demands a little patience. Not all of its mysteries are immediately solveable. The clues are provided but, often times, it is up to the audience to put them together. (Subject 0 respects the intelligence of the audience and isn’t that a nice change of pace?) But for the observant viewer, Subject 0 delivers a powerful and, in its way, thought-provoking payoff.

In the end, Subject 0 is a nice combination of visceral shock and more subtle psychological thrills. Tiziano Cella does excellent work as both a director and an actor in this film and I look forward to seeing what he brings us in the future!

The TSL’s Daily Horror Grindhouse: 976-Evil (dir by Robert Englund)

Posted on October 18, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Ewwwwww! The movie reeks of stale cigarettes and Axe body spray!

976-Evil tells the story of two teenagers named Spike (Patrick O’Bryan) and Hoax (Stephen Geoffreys). You know what? Whether your parents decide to name you Spike or to name your Hoax, your life is pretty much fucked up from the minute either name is entered on your birth certificate. Anyway, Spike and Hoax are cousins. Spike is the dangerous bad boy who rides a motorcycle and wears a leather jacket. Hoax is the really nerdy kid who worships Spike and who lives with his ultra-religious mother (Sandy Dennis). Hoax can’t wait until the day he and Spike ride across the country on their motorcycles. Spike is just busy trying to get laid and looking forward to heading out on his own.

Anyway, Hoax eventually gets tired of being picked on all the time so he decides to call the phone number mentioned in the film’s title. Hoax discovers that he has a direct line to Hell and the voice on the other end has some definite ideas for what Hoax could do to even the score. For instance, Hoax could cause spiders to attack a Spike’s girlfriend. And, after that, Hoax could transform into a monster and attack the local bullies at their poker game.

“That’s a dead man’s hand!” Hoax announces, while literally holding up a dead man’s hand.

(That’s right! Turning evil means becoming a master of puns!)

Uh-oh! It looks like Hoax has been possessed by evil! Even worse, the phone bill is HUGE! Those calls to the Devil aren’t cheap, you know! Can Spike defeat his cousin or will evil rule the day?

Now, I will say this for 976-Evil: as annoying as Stephen Geoffreys is when he’s playing nerdy Hoax, he actually is a bit frightening as evil Hoax. For that matter, Patrick O’Bryan is probably does about as good a job as you can do while playing a character named Spike.

But otherwise, 976-Evil is nearly unwatchable. I mean that literally. The entire film appears to be covered by a layer of grime. Between the unappealing visuals, the poor dialogue, and the lack of appealing characters, there’s really not much in 976-Evil to hold our attention. It might help if we felt bad for Hoax but, even before he calls the phone number, he’s such a weirdo perv that you just kind of want him to go away. Hoax is basically the type of loser who thinks that an Axe body spray commercial is a documentary. You can imagine him desperately spraying himself before he goes to school every day and announcing, “I smell like Axe! I’m losing my virginity next period! And then me and Spike are going to ride our motor scooters to Toronto!”

Released in 1989, 976-Evil was also the directorial debut of Robert Englund. I kinda hate to be so negative about the film because Robert Englund is such a good actor and he always comes across as being such a nice guy. If you haven’t already, be sure to get a copy of Englund’s autobiography, Hollywood Monster. Englund tells a lot of good stories and is admirably positive about being a horror icon. But, though Robert Englund’s a great guy, 976-Evil just doesn’t work.

6 Trailers For 6 Films From Ted V. Mikels

Posted on October 18, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Our latest October edition of Lisa Marie’s Favorite Grindhouse Trailers is dedicated to the memory of filmmaker Ted V. Mikels.

The Astro-Zombies (1968)

The Corpse Grinders (1971)

Dimension in Fear (1998)

The Cauldron: Baptism of Blood (2004)

Demon Haunt (2008)

Paranormal Extremes: Text Messages From the Dead (2015)

Ted V. Mikels (1929–2016)

The TSL’s Daily Horror Grindhouse: Mountaintop Motel Massacre (dir by Jim McCullough)

Posted on October 17, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

AGCK! What a scary woman! Seriously, the poster for the 1986 slasher film Mountain Top Motel Massacre is pure nightmare fuel! Unfortunately, the poster above does not feature the film’s tag line, which I happen to love.

You want to know what it was?

“Please do not disturb Evelyn. She already is!”

BRILLIANT! Of course, I have to admit that one reason why I love that tagline is because my best friend is named Evelyn and you better believe that, as soon as I came across this film, I called her up and I said, “Please don’t disturb Evelyn. She already is.”

Evelyn, of course, had no idea what I was talking about because not many people have heard of Mountaintop Motel Massacre. It’s one of the many low-budget slasher films to be released in the late 80s. (That said, the film was actually made in 1983 and sat on the shelf for three years before getting a release.) With a few notable exceptions, these films are pretty much forgotten, except for when they occasionally turn up on TV or when you come across them in the bargain bin. I found my copy of Mountaintop Motel Massacre at the Movie Trading Company. It was being sold for $1.99, which is another way of saying, “Nobody in the world cares about this damn movie.” But I bought it, because I thought the old woman was scary and I love horror movies.

Mountaintop Motel Massacre was filmed in Louisiana and it perfectly captures that whole you’re-going-to-die-as-soon-as-you-turn-off-the-lights atmosphere of the Deep South. Personally, I was hoping that all the guests at the motel would be obnoxious tourists from up north, the type who would bitch about not being able to get a good philly cheesesteak in Louisiana before being killed and dumped in the bayous. (Either that or they’d go up to the desk clerk and say, “We refuse to shop at a low class establishment like Walmart. Where is the closest Wawa?”)

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately, depending on how you look at it), there were no Northerners in this film. Instead, all the guests at the motel were locals. For instance, there was the alcoholic preacher. And then there was the newlywed couple, determined to have a wonderful wedding night despite not being able to afford the Holiday Inn. (Why would you marry a man who couldn’t even afford the Holiday Inn? Why, God, why!?) And then there was Al, the traveling salesman. Al checked into the motel with two hitchhikers, both of whom were under the impression that Al worked for a record company. Al’s kinda sleazy but he was also the film’s designated hero.

Needless to say, not many guests survived the night. Some were killed by snakes. Some were killed by sickles to the face. All were killed by a crazy old woman named Evelyn. Evelyn owned the motel but she had previously spent three years in a mental hospital. Before she killed all of her guests, she apparently murdered her daughter as well. Except, for the fact, that her daughter was later seen walking through the woods. Was her daughter a zombie or was this just a set-up for a sequel that would never be made? Your guess is as good as mine.

Anyway, Mountaintop Motel Massacre doesn’t make a lot of sense. Like many slasher films, the film’s plot is pretty much dependent on everyone acting like a total moron. Usually, I defend the slasher genre by pointing out that, realistically speaking, most people do act like morons in the face of danger. But, compared to some of the people in Mountaintop Motel Massacre, the counselors at Camp Crystal Lake look like freaking geniuses.

However, with all that in mind, Mountaintop Motel Massacre is still an effectively creepy movie. It’s drenched in atmosphere and, as played by Ann Chappell, Evelyn is more frightening than your average anonymous 80s slasher. She spends most of the film running through a series of underground tunnels that are underneath the hotel and the sight of that murderous old woman burrowing from room to room will stick with you long after the movie ends.

So, if you happen to come across it this October, feel free to give Mountaintop Motel Massacre a shot. If you’re a fan of the slasher genre, you might enjoy it.

And … please.

Don’t disturb Evelyn.

SHE ALREADY IS!

The TSL’s Daily Horror Grindhouse: The Dark (dir by John “Bud” Cardos)

Posted on October 16, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Some of y’all may have noticed that, whenever I don’t have much to say about a movie, I’ll usually start things about be praising either the film’s title or its poster art.

With that in mind, the 1979 film The Dark has got a great title. I mean, what self-respecting horror film could actually resist a movie called The Dark? It’s a title that promises horror and blood and no holds barred morbidity! And really, the title is so brilliant that it almost doesn’t matter that the film itself come no where close to delivering.

And finally, just check out the poster art!

Seriously, that’s a great poster! If I had been alive in 1979, I totally would have wanted to see this movie just because of the poster. Not only is the film called The Dark but the poster literally promises that this movie is going to be — and I quote — “A chilling tale of alien terror!”

Woo hoo!

Of course, The Dark didn’t start out as a chilling tale of alien terror. The Dark is one of those films where what happened behind the camera is far more interesting than what was actually filmed. The story behind The Dark is a classic tale of low-budget, exploitation filmmaking:

Originally, The Dark was going to be a story about a zombie decapitating people in Los Angeles. The zombie had once been a Confederate soldier who ended up resorting to cannibalism. As originally envisioned, the Dark would feature numerous scenes of that dead Confederate wandering around with a big axe that it would use to chop off heads.

Tobe Hooper, who was hot as a result of having directed The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, was brought in to direct. However, after just a few days of shooting, he was replaced. Depending on which version you read, Hooper was either fired or he walked off the set. Either way, all accounts seem to agree that Hooper didn’t see eye-to-eye with the film’s producers. (One of those producers was Dick Clark, the same guy who always used to host ABC’s New Year’s special.)

With Hooper gone, a new director was brought in. That director was John “Bud” Cardos, who had previously had a drive-in hit with Kingdom of the Spiders. Cardos finished the film but he had no emotional investment in it and that’s obvious when you watch The Dark today. Visually, The Dark looks and feels like an old cop show, the type that you might expect to turn up on a cable station that is specifically programmed to appeal to the elderly.

The film that Cardos completed featured a Confederate zombie with an axe. However, the producers showed that film to a preview audience and quickly discovered that nobody cared about a Confederate with an axe.

So, they made some changes.

At the time, Alien was the most popular film at the box office so the producers thought, “Why not add some special effects, redub some dialogue, and make our Confederate zombie into an alien?” Sure, why not?

Hastily, The Dark was reedited. All shots featuring the zombie with an axe were removed from the film. Instead, whenever the monster attacked, the film now featured a freeze frame of the monster’s face with some hastily added laser beams shooting out of his eyes. This would be followed by a freeze frame of the victim and stock footage of an explosion….

(That said, there’s still plenty of references to the alien removing people’s heads…)

Interestingly, there’s still a scene in the film in which a police detective suggests that the creature might be a zombie. “Zom-bies!?” his superior yells, “I don’t want to hear those two words again!” Well, don’t worry. It’s not a zombie! It’s an alien!

(You do have to wonder why an alien would be wearing jeans and flannel shirt but, then again, why would a Confederate zombie be wearing jeans and a flannel shirt? It’s a strange world.)

As you’ve probably already guessed, The Dark is a bit of a mess. The alien is going around Los Angeles and blowing people up. (Though a few times, he also rips off their heads because … well, we already went into that.) The father of one of the victims is a burned out writer and he’s played by William Devane. (This is the same William Devane who has played the President in nearly every movie and TV show ever made. Words cannot begin to express how bored Devane appears to be in this movie. Oddly, with his hair long and graying, Devane bears an uncanny resemblance to Law & Order SVU‘s Richard Belzer.) The father is investigating, even though the lead detective (played by Richard Jaeckel) tells him not to. A reporter (Cathy Lee Crosby) is also investigating. And then there’s a psychic (Jacquelyne Hyde) and the psychic somehow knows what the monster is and who is going to die next.

The characters do eventually cross paths. When the detective meets the reporter, the detective announces that he’s going to kill the killer. “38 caliber justice?” the reporter replies. “If he’s dead, he can’t kill again!” the detective explains and he kind of has a point.

(Making it even stranger is that, while the detective and the reporter talk, there’s a political protest gong on behind them. The protest consists of people jumping up and down.)

It’s all really messy because, while watching the movie, you get the feeling that none of the actors knew what anyone else was filming. It’s like six different films with six different tones and they’ve all been smashed together. It’s also not particularly scary because ultimately, the ~~zombie~~ alien is just a freeze frame with some hastily added laser beams. (It doesn’t help that the lasers occasionally go “pew pew” when they’re fired.)

But still, The Dark is a great title for a movie.

The TSL’s Daily Horror Grindhouse: Most Likely To Die (dir by Anthony DiBlasi)

Posted on October 15, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Most Likely To Die is a slasher film about a group of old friends who gather at a remote house for the weekend. It’s their high school reunion and almost everyone’s looking forward to getting caught up on old times. What they don’t know is that there is a killer in their midst and that killer is going to kill them one by one. Even worse, he’s going to do it in a way that ironically comments on their senior year superlatives.

Fortunately, everyone received a superlative that lends itself to an ironic death. Seriously, this killer is just lucky that Most Likely To Eat Anything was friends with Most Likely To Break Hearts and Most Likely To Be Put On Ice. Just imagine if Most Likely To Kill A Psycho had shown up for the weekend? And what if he had brought his wife, Most Likely Not To Split Up In The Face Of Danger? That would have screwed everything up!

Who is the killer? Well, the natural suspect is John Daughtery. He was the outcast who all the kids made fun of. They even vandalized his yearbook entry, declaring him to be “Most Likely To Die.” John was pretty upset about that but then it got even worse when a gun was discovered in his locker! That pretty much ruined John’s life!

But maybe it’s not John. Maybe it’s Tarkin, the groundskeeper. Tarkin used to own a liquor store but he lost it when it was discovered that he was selling alcohol to underage kids. Could Tarkin be looking for revenge? Or is he just a perv who obsessively hangs around outside a certain bedroom window? Tarkin, incidentally, is played by Jake Busey and, whenever Busey shows up in a slasher film, you know he’s either going to be the murderer or the film’s biggest red herring.

Then again, maybe this killer is Perez Hilton!

Seriously, Perez Hilton is in this movie and it’s not stunt casting. Perez actually plays a real character and, at no point, does he wink at the audience and go, “It’s me, Perez!” Perez gives a far better performance than you might expect. His work here is, at the very least, on par with Paris Hilton’s performance in House of Wax.

Or maybe the killer is … someone else!

Honestly, if you’ve ever seen a slasher movie before, you’ll guess who the killer is. Most Likely To Die does offer up a typical, last-minute slasher movie twist but it won’t take you by surprise. In fact, there’s really nothing surprising about Most Likely To Die. That said, for fans of the slasher genre, Most Likely To Die is entertaining and fairly well-done. It doesn’t redefine the genre but it’s well-acted, the house is a creepy location, the murders are properly gory and mean-spirited, and the film does what it does with a certain panache. If you’re a horror fan, there are worse (and, it should be noted, definitely better) ways to waste your time.

Most Likely To Die made its premiere at Film4 FrightFest in 2015 and it had a very limited release earlier this year. It’s now available on Netflix, where it can be watched by anyone with 80 minutes to kill.

A Special Bonus TSL’s Daily Horror Grindhouse Review: Hitcher In The Dark (dir by Umberto Lenzi)

Posted on October 14, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

So, I just reviewed a thriller called Road Games, which is about something bad that happens to hitchhikers. And, as I was finishing up that review, I suddenly realized that I now had the perfect excuse to say a few words about Umberto Lenzi’s 1989 horror/thriller, Hitcher In The Dark!

The Hitcher In The Dark is a film that I specifically bought earlier this year so that I could review it in October. I thought that Hitcher In The Dark was a great title. Plus, I haven’t reviewed that many Umberto Lenzi films, despite the fact that he is one of the most prolific directors in the history of Italian cinema. Hitcher in the Dark? I thought, Hell yeah, I’ll review that!

But then I watched the movie and I discovered that there’s really not that much to say about it. There’s a reason why this is one of Lenzi’s more obscure films. (He directed it around the same time that he made the infamous Black Demons.) Not that much happens in Hitcher In The Dark. It tells the story of a psycho rich boy, who is played by Joe Balogh. Joe Balogh was also the lead in Black Demons. In that film, his character was named Dick. All through Black Demons, the other actors were always wandering around and yelling, “Dick! Dick! We need Dick! I need Dick! Please, show me Dick!” Hitcher In The Dark is never that much fun.

Instead, Balogh’s character is named Mitch. He’s obsessed with his dead mother, so he drives around Florida and kills people. Because she resembles a framed stock photo that he keeps on him at all times, Mitch kidnaps Daniela (Josie Bissett) and tries to turn her into his mother. The rest of the film is pretty much made up of Daniela escaping and then getting captured again. Her boyfriend (Jason Saucier) is also searching for her. He goes up into random gas stations and says, “Have you seen a blonde girl?” Eventually, he stumbles across both her and Mitch. Why not? Florida’s not that big!

Anyway, there are three things that set Hitcher In The Dark apart. First off, there’s the fact that Mitch spends almost the entire movie driving the most awkward vehicle imaginable, a gigantic RV. Somehow, Mitch manages to kidnap and kill undetected while driving the most conspicuous thing possible. Seriously, check this monster out:

And there are two lines of dialogue that are so weird that they deserve to be enshrined in some sort of Hall of Fame.

When the police pull Mitch over and notice that he has a cut on his hand (from where Daniela earlier stabbed him with a fork), Mitch smoothly explains, “It’s just a scratch. I was cleaning my spear.”

AND THE POLICE NOD AND LET HIM GO!

The other line comes early in the film. When Mitch ignores a girl who has been hitting on him, she snaps, “Hey! Who do you think you are!? Mickey Rourke!?”

Seriously, Hitcher In The Dark may not be very memorable or good but those three things made it all worthwhile!