Engelbert Humperdinck | Through the Shattered Lens

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Love, exciting and new. Come aboard, they’re expecting you …. welcome aboard, it’s looooooooove! Yes, it’s time to take another cruise on the Pacific Princess.

Episode 7.10 “Julie and the Bachelor/Set-up for Romance/Intensive Care”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on November 19th, 1983)

As always, we start with one very important question.

Engelbert Humperdinck is on this cruise so the answer is 11 on a scale of 10.

Engelbert plays Colin Crawford, who is Julie’s favorite film star and singer. Julie is superexcited to meet him and even more thrilled when Colin appears to be romantically interested in her. What Julie doesn’t know is that Colin’s loyal secretary is actually his wife, Gina (Penny Fuller). To maintain Colin’s romantic image, they’ve kept their marriage under wraps. However, Gina is sick of the deception and Colin eventually realizes that major film stars actually can be married. By the end of the cruise, Colin has announced to the world that he’s married and Julie is surprisingly okay with having been manipulated. The cocaine probably helped.

Meanwhile, Herbert Chandler (Tom Bosley) is a grump old man who has been in a wheelchair ever since he was in an accident 8 months ago. Herbert boards the boat with his nurse, Donna (Patricia Carr). “I’m the purser and you’re the nurser,” a smitten Gopher says. Doc. meanwhile, figure out that, after 8 months, Herbert’s legs should be healed and able to walk. It turns out that Herbert is faking his condition because he’s in love with Donna. It turns out that Donna is in love with Herbert and is remarkably forgiving. What better way to start a relationship than with eight months of lies?

Finally, Rick Tucker (Mark Harmon) boards the boat with his boss, Mr. Chandler (Bradford Dillman). Rick also meets Christine Barton (Cristina Raines), who happens to be Chandler’s mistress. Rick is devastated because he likes Christine too. Once Rick discovers that Mr. Chandler is lying about leaving his wife for Christine, he’s able to not only end his boss’s relationship but also to get one of his own. Strangely, it doesn’t occur to Rick to tell Christine that Chandler’s lying about leaving his wife until Rick has a conversation with Isaac. Isaac apparently has the ability to help people realize things that they should have been able to figure out for themselves. As Rick runs off to tell Christine, Isaac mentions that everyone he helps always runs off without leaving a tip. That made me laugh because it’s true.

The Tom Bosley storyline did not work for me. My Dad spent the last three months of his life in wheelchair and watching Herbert pretend that he needed a wheelchair when he didn’t did not sit well with me. Otherwise, this was a pleasant episode. It was one of the episodes that was shot during an actual cruise so it was nice to see the ocean in the background and the wind ruffling everyone’s hair. None of the stories were particularly complicated but Mark Harmon’s easy going charm kept me watching and even Engelbert Humperdinck was tolerable. It’s too bad that Julie once again missed out on love but I’m sure the cocaine helped.

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. The show is once again on Tubi!

“Smiles, everyone, smiles!”

Episode 7.15 “Dark Secret/The Outrageous Mr. Smith”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on March 3rd, 1984)

Eh. I didn’t like this episode. Sorry, Mr. Roarke, no smiles today.

Robert Smith (Engelbert Humperdinck) wants to be a singing star but he suffers from stage fright. He’s created a smarmy alter ego who doesn’t have stage fright but he wants to be able to perform on his own, without having to retreat into a fantasy world. His alter ego responds by coming to life and sleeping with Robert’s wife (Elaine Joyce). Personally, if I was the writer of this episode, I would have just ended the story right there but it turns out that Robert’s alter ego only exists in his mind. His wife walks in on Robert yelling at himself and is overjoyed to discover that Robert has finally found the confidence to perform on stage.

Just typing all of that made my head hurt.

Meanwhile, Amy Marshall (Markie Post) is married to Christopher (Larry Wilcox) but their marriage is troubles because Amy has never told Christopher that she was raped just a few days before the wedding. She never reported the rape to the police and she’s never dealt with the trauma that she still carries with her. This is a very sensitive subject so, of course, Fantasy Island screws it up by suggesting that Amy is somehow to blame for all of the trouble in the marriage because she didn’t tell Christopher about what happened. Amy worries that Christopher will leave her if he finds out. Christopher does find out and he gets mad at her for not telling him and threatens to leave, not only proving Amy’s point but also suggesting, to me, that their marriage isn’t really worth saving. Amy deserves someone better than a guy whose response to hearing that his wife got raped is to get mad at her. Then Amy’s rapist (Michael Callan) shows up on the island and attacks her again. Amy fights back and is on the verge of stabbing the bastard to death when Mr. Roarke shows up and removes the knife from her hand and instead has the Fantasy Island police take the guy away. Christopher and Amy leave the Island, their marriage stronger than ever.

Meanwhile, I had to stop myself from throwing something at the television. First off, the story suggests that somehow Amy is to blame for not telling Christopher about what happened but Christopher’s reaction showed exactly why she didn’t tell him and it also showed that Amy’s best option would have been to get a divorce. Then the show suggests that the best way to give Amy her fantasy of finding freedom from her trauma was to have the rapist nearly rape her again! Mr. Roarke, at one point, states that Amy’s safety is his number one concern and that he has his entire police force looking for the rapist. But Roarke has already been established as having God-like powers so if Roarke wanted to find the guy before he attacked Amy, he certainly could have.

As well, what is the deal with all of these criminals and assorted lowlifes making it to the Island in the first place? Mr. Roarke often brags about running a background check on everyone who comes to the Island, which again suggests that no one comes to Fantasy Island unless Roarke wants them there. So, why are there so many terrible people on the Island?

This episode …. ugh.