Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, the Captain needs a new watch but his crew is determined to give him a bunch of toothpicks instead.

Episode 2.24 “Ages of Man/Bo and Sam/Familes”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on March 10th, 1979)

This week’s cruise gets off to a bizarre start with Captain Stubing reminding the members of the crew that he will soon be hitting his 5-year anniversary mark as their captain.  Doc, Julie, Gopher, and Isaac are planning to throw him a huge surprise party and they’ve even gotten him a gift, a replica of the Love Boat made out of toothpicks!

Now, it’s not just the gift that feels strange about this scenario.  There’s also the fact that Stubing claims that he’s been captain of the Pacific Princess for five years even though the show is only in its second season.  As you may remember, the very first episode of The Love Boat featured the crew still talking about how they couldn’t figure out the proper way to approach their new captain and how they didn’t know anything about his background.  So, unless three years passed without anyone noticing, the Captain has only been on the ship for two years.

Add to that, Captain Stubing keeps telling anyone who will listen that he needs a new watch.  So why is the crew dumb enough to give him a boat made out of toothpicks for his anniversary gift?  The toothpick boat itself is constructed by two close friends, Bo (Philip Charles MacKenzie) and Sam (Michael Tucci).  Of course, when Bo and Sam deliver the gift to the cruise, they end up breaking it in half.  As a result, they stowaway on the ship so that they can rebuild the toothpick boat.  And they do rebuild it!  But then they break it again so, with hours to go until the Captain’s party, they again have to rebuild it.  When they deliver the boat the captain’s party, they discover that every member of the crew has given Stubing some sort of miniature boat.  Stubing is not particularly excited about the toothpick boat until he hears the sound of something ticking inside of it.  Yes, that’s right, Sam’s watch fell off while they were rebuilding the boat.  Stubing smashes the toothpick boat and is overjoyed to discover a watch, one that is inscribed with a touching message about friendship.  Bo promises to get Sam a new watch.

This storyline was …. well, to say it was frustrating is perhaps putting it a little bit too lightly.  Seriously, it never made any sense.  Why, if the Captain keeps telling you that he desperately needs a new watch, would you buy him a toothpick boat instead?  And why, with something that fragile, would you not wrap it up or find some other way to protect it before trying to carry it onto the cruise?  Every time that fake boat got destroyed, I wanted to throw something at the TV.

As for the other storylines….

Julie develops a crush on an older passenger named Walter (Paul Burke) while a younger passenger named Bobby Trymon (Patrick Labyorteaux) develops a crush on Julie.  Julie wants to spend all of her time dancing with Walter but she also has to try to let teenage Bobby down gently.  Eventually, Julie tells Bobby that he’s too young for her and then Walter explains that he’s too old for Julie.  So, everyone ends up miserable.

While that’s going on, publisher Hank Hardaway (Leslie Nielsen) is shocked to discover that his arch nemesis, union leader Monica Cross (Arlene Dahl) is on the cruise!  Hank’s daughter, Diana (Ellen Bry), thinks that Monica has a point about protecting the working man while Monica’s son, Jeff (Mark Shera), thinks that Hank has a point about working hard and pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps.  Eventually, Diana falls for Jeff and Hank falls for Monica and the four of them prove that you can love someone even if you disagree with their politics.  This storyline was simple and silly but, to be honest, kind of charming.  Nielsen, who still in the “serious actor” phase of his career when he did this episode, seemed a bit more relaxed than usual and Ellen Bry and Mark Shera had a likable chemistry.  Simple as this story may have been, it was kind of what the episode needed to counterbalance all the toothpick boat nonsense.

This cruise was a mixed bag.  At least the Captain got a watch.