Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.12 “Frozen Out Of Time”

Posted on October 1, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

From Iceland to Malibu, you can’t keep a good Viking down.

Episode 2.12 “Frozen Out Of Time”

(DIr by Rick Jacobson, originally aired on February 9th, 1997)

After a volcanic eruption in Iceland, a frozen Viking boat is discovered floating in the ocean. Inside the boat are two Vikings, who have spent the past 900 years in blocks of ice. Under the orders of Dr. Lancaster (Edward Mulhare), the Vikings are transported to Malibu. Lancaster’s plan is to thaw the Vikings out and see if they can be revived. Daimont Teague, who has a habit of popping up anywhere that someone is trying to do something stupid, is not sure if Dr. Lancaster knows what he’s doing so he decides to call Mitch and Ryan to the lab.

Now, you can justifiably say, “What is Mitch going to do with a frozen Viking?” It’s a legitimate question. Of course, you can also wonder why Dr. Lancaster thinks that he’ll be able to revive the Vikings. I mean, they’ve been frozen for 900 years! That’s a long time to float around in a block of ice.

Of course, the Vikings are revived. Unfortunately, it turns out that they were on that boat because they were trying to settle a blood feud. The first Viking (Sven-Ole Thorsen) goes on a rampage through the lab and then runs around Malibu pier. Mitch and Griff are able to capture him and bring him back to the lab. Unfortunately, the other Viking (Nils Allen Stewart) has woken up and the two Vikings soon reignite their interrupted duel to the death.

I’m actually leaving out a few details but you can probably guess everything that happens in this episode from what I’ve told you. It’s not really a shock when Mitch turns out to be an expert in Viking culture. It’s also not a surprise when the two Vikings end up killing each other and Mitch gives them a traditional Viking funeral. It’s not just that Mitch puts them on a wooden raft and then shoots a flaming arrow at it. It’s that Mitch dramatically yells, “Valhalla!” while doing so.

Myself, I’m a bit curious about how the Vikings manage to go right back to fighting as soon as they thawed out. It would seem like, after 900 years of lying prone in one position, they would be a little bit stiff. I would imagine that there would at least be some backpain or maybe a touch of arthritis. (I mean, I’m not even 40 and I’ve already got arthritis in my ankle.) Also consider that the Vikings have no trouble breathing the air, despite the fact that Los Angeles’s polluted air is undoubtedly a lot different from what their lungs are used to. And that’s not even to mention all of the germs that the Vikings have never experienced before. It seems like the Vikings should have at least had a cold or something.

Was this episode a good one? Hey, it featured David Hasselhoff, Angie Harmon, and two 900 year-old Vikings. Of course, it was good! Baywatch Nights is always at its best when it embraces the absurdity and there’s nothing more absurd than this episode.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.10 “Space Spores”

Posted on September 17, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, the threat comes from space!

Episode 2.10 “Space Spores”

(Dir by Richard Freidman, originally aired on January 19th, 1997)

Having completed another intergalactic mission, the Space Shuttle Discovery returns to Earth. Of course, when I say Earth, what I actually mean is America because we all know which country is the most important around here.

Unfortunately, the Discovery also spreads a bunch of “space dust” over a small farm in California. It wasn’t intentional on the part of the Space Shuttle crew. Those people are saints! Instead, it’s just one of those accidents that happens. The problem is that space dust is a lot more dangerous than Earth dust. Earth dust can trigger asthma attacks (believe me, I know), while space dust can cause animals to explode.

At first, the government shows up at the farm, all decked out in their HAZMAT gear. A few days later, Daimont Teague drags Mitch and Ryan out to the farm so that they can take another look. Daimont doesn’t bother to give either Mitch or Ryan a HAZMAT suit and he also doesn’t bother to tell them what exactly they’re looking for. He says he wants them to keep their minds fresh but I think it’s more a case of Teague just being a dick. I mean, why would you task a lifeguard with investigating space dust?

While Daimont goes off to meet with his connections in the government, Mitch and Ryan investigate the farm. They discover that the space dust has caused a lot of animals to explode. They also discover the farmer is dead but his young daughter, Katie (Ashley Buccille), has survived. Unfortunately, when the family dog explodes, Ryan and Katie end up covered in space dust. Now, Mitch and Griff (who shows up because he apparently has nothing better to do on a Sunday night) have to get Ryan and Katie to a decompression chamber before the space dust causes them to explode. Unfortunately, there’s a lot of evil government types who are more worried about the public learning about the space dust than they are about saving the lives of Ryan and Katie.

I was kind of surprised by how much this episode depressed me. It was entirely due to the exploding animals. We only actually see a rat and then the dog explode but apparently, a cat explodes off-screen and so do several other animals. I always get upset when bad things happen to animals on shows like this. For whatever reason, I don’t really seem to care that much when the same thing happens to a human being. Some of that’s because I’ve seen all the other human beings on other shows. I was glad that Angie Harmon didn’t blow up because Angie and I are both Texas girls and we vote the same way. But even if Mitch hadn’t been able to save Ryan, I know that Angie would have still gone on to appear on Law & Order and Rizzoli & Isles after this show ended. Whereas with animals, I don’t have that reassurance.

This episode, I didn’t really like. I appreciated the anti-government theme but all of the exploding animals just weren’t for me.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.9 “Night Whispers”

Posted on September 10, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, a vampire comes to California!

Episode 2.9 “Night Whispers”

(Dir by Reza Badiyi, originally aired on November 24th, 1996)

The mysterious Francesca (Felicity Waterman) is being held in police custody as a suspect in the murder of a jogger. The jogger was found with his throat slit. Ryan, who was there when the body was found, suspects that Francesca might be vampire.

Why? Ryan has her reasons.

Francesca speaks with the same type of unplaceable Eastern European accent that all vampires tend to speak with.
Francesca wears sunglasses inside and says she can’t go out during the day because her eyes are just too sensitive to the sunlight.
Francesca occasionally wears a cape.
Francesca wears gloves to hide her vampire hands.
Francesca’s gown was splattered with the dead guy’s blood.
Francesca does not cast a reflection in her apartment’s mirror.

(Why do vampires even own mirrors?)

Ryan seems like she has a pretty good case but Mitch is skeptical. Mitch doesn’t believe in any of that supernatural stuff, despite the fact that he’s spent the past few months dealing with sea monsters, ghosts, and government conspiracies. Just a few episodes ago, he stepped into a house and was transported through time!

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I understand skepticism. For the most part, I’m a skeptic too. But the main reason that I’m such an adamant skeptic is because I haven’t ever had anything supernatural happen to me. Now, if I started meeting ghosts and sea monsters on a regular basis, I would probably become less of a skeptic. I would reexamine all of my prejudices and I would say, “Hey, maybe something is out there.”

Not Mitch, though! Mitch listens to Ryan explain why she thinks Francesca is a vampire and he laughs it off. What’s odd is that it takes Ryan forever to get around to mentioning that Francesca does not cast a reflection. Instead, she fixates on Francesca wearing gloves in California. Trust me, the whole mirror thing is a lot more convincing than the glove thing. Some people wear gloves and some people don’t but everyone (except for the undead) casts a reflection. Ryan also points out that Francesca doesn’t have a birth certificate and ….. SHE’S NOT REGISTERED TO VOTE!

A trip to the police station to visit Francesca goes terribly wrong when Francesca gets out of her cell and proceeds to stalk Mitch, Ryan, a detective, a pimp, and two prostitutes through the building. Though Francesca is willing to drink anyone’s blood, it becomes obvious that she’s obsessed with capturing the Hoff and really, who can blame her? I imagine she would be quite popular with her co-workers if she was the one who turned the Hoff into a vampire.

This is a deeply silly episode but the same can be said of just about every episode of Baywatch Nights. There’s no reason to take this show seriously. The important thing is that the action movies fairly quickly, Felicity Waterman appears to be having a ball as the vampire, and the Hoff and Angie Harmon get to show off the chemistry that made Baywatch Nights a lot more fun than it had any right being. This may not be a classic vampire tale but it’s an entertaining one.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.8 “Last Breath”

Posted on September 3, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Some people stand in the darkness …. let’s get back to reviewing Baywatch Nights! I’ve missed talking about this silly show.

Episode 2.8 “Last Breath”

(Dir by Gregory J. Bonnan, originally aired on November 17th, 1996)

Lifeguards are disappearing!

After hearing the sounds of someone shouting for help in the distance, three lifeguards — including Donna — vanish while investigating. It’s assumed that they’ve drowned but Mitch has his doubts. And it turns out that Mitch is correct! This is an evil haunting the sea and yes, it’s stalking lifeguards.

What type of evil is it?

Is it a sea monster?

Is it a ghost?

Is it an alien creature?

How about a mutant octopus?

Maybe a dinosaur of some sort?

Could it be an unfrozen Viking or a vampire or a time traveler or a….

Well, you get the idea. And really, it should have been one of those things. The second season of Baywatch Nights was all about David Hasselhoff and Angie Harmon investigating supernatural ocean stuff. It was specifically designed to be X-Files on the beach. We’ve all heard the urban legend of the weeping woman who haunts lakes. As soon as the lifeguards heard those shouts, I assumed this episode would feature an ocean version of La Llorona.

Well, it turns out I was wrong. Instead, the lifeguard are being kidnapped by a man who blames them for the death of his family in a car accident. The madman (Brett Baxter Clark), who is not at all supernatural, is keeping the lifeguards trapped in a cage. (How do random madmen always manage to have a super-strong cage just lying around?) He wants to recreate the accident that led to the death of his family. Can Mitch track the cage down and rescue his lifeguards?

This episode was disappointing on many levels, with the main problem being that there was really nothing to distinguish it from a typical episode of Baywatch. All it needed was to open with that Some People Stand In The Darkness song for it to be an episode of Baywatch. When you watch the second season of Baywatch Nights, you’re watching because you want to see David Hasselhoff and Angie Harmon pretending to be Mulder and Scully. You watch it because you want to see a combination of swimsuits and supernatural phenomena. Once you take away the supernatural, you take away this show’s main appeal.

That said, if you were a fan of the original Baywatch, you may enjoy certain parts of this episode. Newmie shows up! At first, I was like, “Don’t you dare kidnap Newmie!” but, fortunately, Newmie was too clever to fall for any traps.

Next week, the supernatural will return to the beach!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.6 “The Cabin”

Posted on June 18, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Baywatch Nights travels not to the beach but instead to a cabin in the woods!

Episode 2.6 “The Cabin”

(Dir by Reza Badiyi, originally aired on November 3rd, 1996)

The sixth episode of Baywatch Nights‘s second season opens with a young woman who is being terrified in a cabin in the woods. The woman is dressed for the 1990s but she’s being chased by an axe-wielding man named Horse Calhoun (Dennis Burkley), who is dressed for the 1890s. The woman manages to escape Horse and his axe and let’s get credit where credit is due. It’s a truly well-done sequence, featuring Dennis Burkley giving a ferocious and scary performance as Horse.

Diamont hires Mitch and Ryan to investigate the cabin, specifically because he thinks that the cabin is haunted and he wants to get the opinion of two skeptics. (Ryan believes in ghosts but thinks that they are rare. Mitch does not believe in ghosts but says they still scare him. I have to go with Mitch on this one.) Diamont specifically tells Mitch and Ryan not to enter the cabin until he is able to join them later. So, of course, as soon as they arrive, Mitch and Ryan go right into the cabin.

That turns out to be a mistake. While Ryan keeps herself busy putting away groceries, Mitch explores the cabin and soon discovers that they’re not alone. There’s a woman (Lisa Stahl) is a bathtub who encourages Mitch to “take off your clothes” and join her. There’s a decadent, cigar-chomping man (Danny Woodburn) who seems to be very amused with himself. And, of course, there’s Horse Calhoun, rampaging down hallways and throwing axes at Mitch’s head.

The cabin, it turns out, is home to a portal, one that leads back to a New York brothel in the 1890s. One hundred years ago, an insanely jealous Horse Calhoun killed everyone at the brothel. Can Mitch and Ryan return to their own time before Horse adds them to his list of victims?

This episode is an example of Baywatch Nights at its best. The plot is totally ludicrous and the low-budget forces the show to keep things simple (it’s a rather rustic brothel) but the idea behind the plot is properly creepy and Woodburn, Stahl, and especially Burkley all do a good job bringing their undead characters to life. (Heh heh….) Burkley makes Horse into a fierce madman, one who throws his axes with the authority of someone who no longer cares who might get in the way of the blade. Finally, this episode featured a lot of Hasselhoff/Harmon chemistry. Harmon was earnest and determined while Hasselhoff …. well, he was the Hoff. We’re lucky to have him.

The Cabin was Baywatch Nights as its best.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.5 “Circle of Fear”

Posted on May 21, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, something is stalking Ryan!

Episode 2.5 “Circle of Fear”

(Dir by Bruce Kessler, originally aired on October 27th, 1996)

This episode opens with a blonde woman performing some sort of strange, witchcraft-related ceremony in the middle of the woods, spinning around until she apparently dies. The next morning, Diamont Teague approaches Mitch and asks him to head out to the woods and investigate the scene of the ceremony.

As I watched Diamont talk to Mitch about witchcraft, it occurred to me that the Baywatch Nights format change that occurred between the end of season one and the start of season two led to some unanswered questions. For one thing, where has Garner disappeared to? Are Mitch and Ryan still private eyes or are they now just hobbyists? (We haven’t seen them in their office since this season started.) Even more importantly, who is Diamont and how does Mitch know him? Why is Diamont continually asking Mitch and Ryan to investigate every strange thing that happens in Malibu? Does Diamont work for the government or is he just someone who is obsessed with the paranormal? Where does Diamont live? Where is Diamont from? Why can’t Diamont ever investigate anything on his own? Why does he always tell Mitch and Ryan to do it? At the start of the season, Diamont pretty much just showed up out-of-nowhere but everyone on the show acts as if he’s been around forever.

At the site of the witchy ceremony, Mitch and Ryan find the remains of an altar and a burned book. A trip down to the local occult library reveals that the book is an ancient magical text. Ryan buys an edition of the book and she takes it home with her. Sitting alone in her new apartment, Ryan finds herself mysteriously compelled to read aloud from the book. That turns out to be a mistake as Ryan soon finds herself being followed by a spirt that apparently wants to possess her and causes harm to come to anyone who annoys her, including a flirtatious waiter and an obnoxious plumber. Can Mitch and Ryan drive the spirit out of Ryan’s apartment without Ryan losing her security deposit?

I enjoyed the episode, even if I’m still not quite clear on why Mitch and Ryan are taking orders from Diamont. After being underutilized over the past few episodes, Angie Harmon steps into the spotlight here and she gives a strong performance, especially in the scenes where she’s first realizing that an unseen spirit is manipulating her and her actions. Harmon’s down-to-earth style provides a nice match to David Hasselhoff’s more “dramatic” style of acting. (Indeed, there’s a part of me that thinks this series would have lasted longer if it had dropped the Baywatch connection and instead focused on Angie Harmon solving mysteries and battling ghosts, goblins, and ghouls.) Baywatch Nights seemed to really hit its stride with this episode.

Next week, Mitch and Ryan travel into the past!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.4 “The Strike”

Posted on May 14, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Mitch is struck by lightning!

Episode 2.4 “The Strike”

(Dir by David W. Hagar, originally aired on October 20th, 1996)

While working as a lifeguard, Mitch saves a young man named Jake (Sean Blodgett) from drowning. However, no sooner has Mitch pulled Jake out of the ocean and shaken his hand than they are struck by a sudden lightning bolt. (Being struck by lightning is a scary thing but I have to admit that I chuckled a bit at the random lighting bolt in this episode. It seriously just came out of nowhere!) A bunch of Baywatch lifeguards run out to rescue both Mitch and Jake. What’s interesting is that none of these lifeguards were from the main series. (Seriously, I would have thought that at least Michael Newman would have shown up.) Baywatch Nights was trading on the Baywatch name but, other than David Hasselhoff, it couldn’t afford any of the Baywatch actors.

Due to being struck by lightning (and, oddly, the show seems to suggest that the lightning truly was just a random thing that happened), Mitch and Jake become psychically linked. Mitch can hear Jake’s thoughts in his mind and when it becomes obvious that Jake is an alien being pursued by a mysterious organization, Mitch, Ryan, and Daimont set out to track Jake down and rescue him.

This episode, with its hints of government cover-ups and alien conspiracies, owes a lot to The X-Files. (Actually, the entire second season of Baywatch Nights owes a considerable debt to The X-Files.) As a student of conspiracy theories (albeit a skeptical one), I appreciated the episode’s attempt to create a genuine atmosphere of paranoia. That said, this is still Baywatch Nights and that means that the majority of the episode was basically Mitch and Jake being chased from one location to another. It all got to be a bit repetitive but it remained entertaining.

The best part of this episode is that it allows David Hasselhoff to embrace his inner William Shatner. Hasselhoff has always been a natural overactor and he’s at his most likable when he’s not being at all subtle. This episode not only features the Hoff getting mad about a conspiracy but it also involves a few scenes where he starts to speak in Jake’s voice as a result of their mind-meld. Hasselhoff throw himself into the performance. Again, there’s nothing subtle about any of it but that’s the Hasselhoff charm. As a friend of mine once said while we were watching Starcrash, “Every country should have a Hoff.”

This episode ends on a sad note, which gives Hasselhoff an excuse to get teary-eyed. How can Mitch continue to be a skeptic after everything that he sees in this episode? Will he finally be willing to admit that there are things out there that cannot be rationally explained? You would think so but Mitch can be remarkably stubborn. We’ll find out next week!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.2 “The Creature”

Posted on April 30, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Mitch, Griff, and Ryan search for an amphibian hybrid.

Episode 2.2 “The Creature”

(Dir by David W. Hagar, originally aired on October 6th, 1996)

The Creature of the title is a young blonde woman (played by Shelli Lether) who has spent her entire life locked away in a secret lab. One night, a security guard decides that he wants to get to know The Creature better. The Creature responds by killing both him and his co-worker. She escapes from the lab, running into the California night.

Mitch and Ryan are brought to the lab by the mysterious Diamont Teague, who explains that he’s not sure what was going on at the lab but whatever was housed in the building has escaped. Mitch leaves to track down the Creature. (He recruits Griff to help him out.) Meanwhile, Ryan stays at the lab and looks through magnifying scopes and studies slides and computer read-outs and eventually, she figures out that the lab was the focus of a DNA experiment. The creature is half-amphibian and half-human.

“Can we do that?” Mitch asks when Ryan calls him.

“Apparently so,” Ryan calmly replies.

(Seriously, Ryan’s so cool.)

It also turns out that Mitch and Griff are not the only people who are searching for the Creature. There are also a group of soldiers that are determined to track down the Creature, destroy it, and cover up the fact that it was created in the first place. Mitch, needless to say, is not happy about that. Mitch is a lifeguard and, as a lifeguard, he believes in guarding every life, even the life of a humanoid amphibian who murders anyone who approaches her.

And, if this was Baywatch, Mitch probably would have saved the Creature. But this is Baywatch Nights and the night is darker than the day. The Creature gets blown up in a tunnel but it appears that all of the soldiers get blown up with her. Take that, Feds! As for Mitch, he gets out of the tunnel just in time and makes a slow motion jump as the explosion erupts behind him. A chastened and mournful Mitch then announces that he’s going home as the sun rises over the horizon. Hey, Mitch — don’t forget to call Ryan and let her know that she can leave the lab.

After last week’s disappointing second season premiere, The Creature is the first classic episode of Baywatch Nights‘s supernatural season. The action moves quickly and through multiple locations. (The Creature may not know much about the world but she’s still drawn to a club.) The story is ludicrous enough to be entertaining. Shelli Lether is surprisingly sympathetic as the murderous Creature. Even Hasselhoff throws his heart into his attempts to convince the soldiers not to destroy the Creature. This episode was fun and dumb in a very likable way.

Next week, Mitch battles another sea monster!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.1 “Terror of the Deep”

Posted on April 23, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Tonight, we start the second season of Baywatch Nights! It’s like an entirely new show!

Episode 2.1 “Terror Of The Deep”

(Dir by Gregory J. Bonnan, originally aired on September 29th, 1996)

The second season begins with a few changes.

The open titles are now dark and atmospheric, featuring David Hasselhoff walking through the fog. Lou Rawls’s theme song has been replaced by a creepy but very danceable instrumental track.

Mitch, Ryan, Eddie, and Donna are all back but Garner is no longer listed in the opening credit. Nor is he mentioned in tonight’s episode. Instead, Mitch’s new best friend is a world traveler named Diamont Teague (Dorian Gregory). Diamont is an expert on the paranormal. He believes that the truth is out there. Donna spots Diamont walking along the pier and immediately mentions how mysterious is.

No mention of Mitch being a private detective is made during the second season premiere. Instead, this episode open with Mitch doing lifeguard things. He rescues a woman who is discovered floating in the ocean. The woman screams in terror after she’s resuscitated. Diamont thinks that the woman might be a survivor of a freighter that sunk a few days previously. Diamont also thinks that the freighter was taken down by a tentacled monster that lives in the ocean.

Largely to prove his friend wrong, Mitch recruits Eddie and Ryan to help him track down and explore the freighter. While Ryan remains on their boat and stays in communication via radio, Eddie and Mitch dive into the ocean and explore the freighter. Guess what? Diamont was right! There is a tentacled monster living inside the freighter and now, it’s after Eddie and Mitch!

With this episode, Baywatch Nights totally changed directions, going from being a detective show to a somewhat goofy rip-off of The X-Files. For the most part, the second season of Baywatch Nights was a lot of fun but you wouldn’t necessarily know it from this episode. Terror of the Deep takes place almost entirely underwater, with Mitch and Eddie spending most of their time in wet suits that make it very difficult to figure out which one is which. The underwater scenes are also rather darkly lit, which I assume was done to both create atmosphere and also disguise the fact that the tentacled monster wasn’t really that impressive. However, the scenes are often so dark that it becomes difficult to tell what is actually happening on screen. This was an episode with a simple plot that often felt incoherent because I was never quite sure where Mitch and Eddie were in the freighter or if they were even still together.

This episode also overlooks the fact that one of the best things about the first season was the playful chemistry between David Hasselhoff and Angie Harmon. Instead, we get Mitch swimming with Eddie while Ryan stays on board the boat and is reduced to saying, “Copy that,” over and over again. This episode really did end up feeling like a lost opportunity.

But no worries! The rest of the second season is going to be a lot of fun. For instance, next week, Mitch faces off against a killer mermaid! It should be entertaining.

Horror on TV: Baywatch Nights 2.11 “Frozen Out Of Time” (dir by Rick Jacobson)

Posted on October 29, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Tonight, with Halloween only a few days away, The Shattered Lens is proud to present a bonus episode of televised horror! In this beloved episode of Baywatch Nights, two 900 year-old Vikings are causing chaos in Los Angeles! Who can stop them?

David Hasselhoff, of course!

This episode originally aired on February 9th, 1997!