Montessi (Kim Coates) and his men have taken over a water filtration plant, are holding hostages, and keep threatening to poison the water supply. Rogue cop David Chase (Jeff Fahey) and Melissa Wilkins (Carrie-Anne Moss) sneak around the plant and try to stop the terrorists. David Chase is set up to be a John McClane type but instead, he only kills one terrorists and then lets everyone else do most of the work. Of course, the whole water filtration hostage situation is just a distraction so Mr. Turner (Gary Busey) can steal a bunch of bonds. Busey sits behind a computer for most of the movie, lending his name but not much else.
A good cast is wasted in what is definitely one of the worst of the many DieHard rip-offs to come out in the 90s. There’s not enough action, with Jeff Fahey as a passive hero and even the great Kim Coates reduced to standing around and doing a lot of yelling for most of his time on screen. Gary Busey is the big star here but it’s obvious that he was only on the set for a few hours and his plan for stealing the bonds never makes sense. Whenever anyone questions his plans, he says that it involves computers. In the 90s, I guess that was enough.
Watching this last night, I realized that I had seen it on Cinemax back in the day. It didn’t make much sense back then either.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on Tubi!
This week, a documentary crew proclaims T.S. Turner to be the West’s greatest crime fighter.
Episode 3.16 “TV Turner”
(Dir by Patrick Loubert, originally aired on April 21st, 1990)
A Japanese television crew shows up at the Canadian police station and tells Detective Hargrove that they asked a computer for the name of the greatest crime fighter in North America. The computer replied with “T.S. Turner,” so they have traveled to Canada to interview Turner. The only catch is that they have no idea where Turner is and they don’t know anything about him.
Meanwhile, Turner is preparing to leave for his interview with the Japanese documentary team when …. wait a minute, I thought they didn’t know where to find Turner. I thought they hadn’t even called Turner before arriving in Canada. So, why is Turner getting ready to leave for his interview? This is a confusing episode.
Anyway, an old friend of Turner’s asks him to help her track down her missing husband, who lost his job after he was framed for a theft at work. Turner blows off the interview to search for him. This means that the film crew instead interviews Hargrove and then Terri about Turner. The film crew is disappointed to learn that Turner does not drink and he’s not a womanizer. A random criminal (Phillip Jarrett) gives an interview about the time he was arrested by Turner but it turns out that he’s thinking of a different Turner.
Finally, Turner shows up at the station. However, before he can do the interview, Terri’s latest client (Angelo RIzacos) grabs a gun and threatens to shoot his way to freedom. By an amazing coincidence, it turns out that the client is also the missing husband! Turner convinces the man to put down the gun by explaining that everyone now knows that he was framed for the theft.
(That said, the guy is still looking at serious jail time. He threatened to shoot up a police station!)
The film crew decides not to interview Turner because he’s not exciting enough. The end.
Weird episode. I was expecting it to be a clip show but instead, it was just people talking about how Turner didn’t drink, have sex, or fight any supervillains. I guess the idea was to show that Turner was a good man and that’s what made him a hero. That’s a nice message but it also leads to Turner losing his chance to be the subject of a documentary. Turner’s just too good for the world, I guess.
Let’s give some credit where credit is due. After sleepwalking through most of season 3, Mr. T actually seemed to be invested in this episode and the scene where he talked the guy into putting down his gun was very nicely done and acted. As an actor, Mr. T had zero range but he could be likably earnest and that’s certainly the case here.
Anyway, this was an odd episode, even by T and T standards. There’s only five more to go!
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewingthe Canadian sitcom, Check it Out, which ran in syndication from 1985 to 1988. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
This week, I finally get a chance to review the episode that I should have reviewed last week. Nature is healing.
Episode 1.17 “Banzai”
(Dir by John Bell, originally aired on February 8th, 1986)
Mrs. Cobb (Barbara Hamilton) has decided that it would be a good idea to send someone over to Japan to study how the Japanese have become such efficient employers and employees. That is an idea that actually isn’t bad and totally makes sense. Give some points to the show for having a good idea for once.
However, for some reason, Mrs. Cobb wants to send over not an executive and not a store manager but an assistant store manager. That makes no sense. If you want to make changes, why wouldn’t you send someone over who has the authority to do so? As usual, Mrs. Cobb wants it to be someone from Howard’s store. The show has always implied that Mrs. Cobb is the richest woman in Canada and that she actually owns several businesses across the North American continent. It’s odd that the only one she ever seems to care about is Howard’s store.
Assistant Store Manager Jack Christian is on vacation in Fiji so Howard has to pick a temporary replacement who can go to Japan. Mrs. Cobb tells him to pick a woman and since Marlene has a criminal record and Jennifer is not in this episode, the job falls to Edna.
Edna goes to Japan and then returns with a lot of ideas for how to make Cobb’s better. Cue Howard’s comic exasperation as Edna demands informality in the workplace, a lack of walls, and a mandatory exercise period. Also cue the two Japanese workers that Edna brought back with her, who proceed to tear down the walls of Howard’s office.
Watching all of this, I had to wonder just how long Christian’s Fiji vacation lasted. This episode seemed to take place over the course of a month, maybe even longer. It lasted long enough for the staff to rebel against Edna and for Mrs. Cobb to change her mind about using Japanese methods in her business. And it lasted long enough for Edna to decide that she would rather go back to being Howard’s administrative assistant. Jack Christian did return by the end of the episode, which is good since Jeff Pustil (who played Christian) and Kathleen Laskey (who played Marlene) were the show’s two most consistent comedic performers. (Interestingly enough, they’re married in real life.)
This was actually not a bad episode. I always cringe a bit whenever I see any 80s or 90s sitcom attempting to deal with cultural differences, especially when the other culture is Japanese. Just judging from a lot of the shows that I’ve seen, it would appear that many Americans (and I guess Canadians) in the 80s felt like the only way to deal with Japan’s competitive economy was to make often juvenile jokes about Japanese tourists with cameras and the poor dubbing that most Japanese films suffered on their way to American screens. This episode of Check It Out! is actually respectful of Japanese business culture, even if the show’s message seems to be that it ultimately isn’t right for the more laid back culture of Canada.
As for what happens in next week’s episode — who knows? We’ll find out.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!
This week, a pair of tattoo needles cause trouble!
Episode 1.16 “Tattoo”
(Dir by Lyndon Chubbuck, originally aired on March 7th, 1988)
Tommy Chen (Leonard Chow) is a first generation Chinese-American who has a gambling problem. He owes several thousand dollars to the local gangsters and his grandfather, Lum Chen (Keye Luke), is no longer willing to help cover his costs.
However, Tommy thinks that he’s found the perfect solution for his problems. He has two cursed tattoo needles. All he has to do is tattoo something on someone’s body. That tattoo will come to life and, as long as the tattooed person dies, Tommy will win whatever game that he’s playing. With a gangster demanding that he pay his debts by the end of the night, Tommy is going from gambling den to gambling den, drawing tattoos and making money. Unfortunately, he owes so much that almost every dollar that he makes is taken away from him as soon as he receives it.
And, of course, he also has Ryan, Micki, and Jack trying to track him down as well.
I had mixed feelings about this episode. On the one hand, the tattoo needles are a totally impractical weapon because Tommy, who is a little bit on the small side, has to find a way to get his victims to lie still and not resist while he tattoos him. His first victim is a half-conscious woman at an Opium den and that’s at least believable. But, by the time Tommy is tattooing a gangster, you have to wonder if there isn’t a more practical way for him to make money.
On the other hand, the sight of the tattoos coming to life and crawling (or slithering) up their victims is definitely a frightening one. One tattoo turns into a giant spider. Another turns into a coral snake. One tattoo turns into a fist that bursts out of someone’s chest. (That made me jump.) The needles may be impractical but if you have a thing about spiders and snakes (as I do), it really won’t matter. They’re too frightening for the viewer to spend too much time worrying about the logic of how they actually work.
Fortunately, Ryan and Jack are able to recover the needles and use them to kill the latest tattoo before it can claim a victim. Unfortunately for Tommy, he’s playing Russian roulette at the time. Even more unfortunately for Micki, she’s standing close enough to get splattered by blood when Tommy’s gun turns out to have a bullet in the chamber. I have to admit that I’ve never gotten the appeal of Russian roulette. I’ve always assumed it must be a guy thing. Myself, I see the gun being traded back and forth and I say, “Yikes!”
Next week, a cursed electric chair falls into the hands of a dentist …. AGCK!
What happens when architect and suburban dad Mike Brady (Gary Cole) is elected Vice President of the United States? Well, President Randolph (Dave Nichols) ends up having to resign when it turns out that he’s thoroughly corrupt. Mike Brady is sworn in as the new President and then appoints his wife Carol (Shelley Long) as his new Vice President. He and his wife run an ethical and determinedly old-fashioned administration. When Senators argue, Carol suggests that they need a time out. When Mike is handed a report that indicates trouble for the economy, Mike looks at it, signs it, and says, “We can do better.” When a racist Senator is seated next to a black nationalist at a White House reception, the two opponents are both served peanut butter on crackers by the Alice, the Brady Family housekeeper and soon, they are bonding over their shared love of peanut butter.
Of course, not everything’s perfect. For instance, middle daughter Jan (Ashley Drane) is haunted by voices in her head that tell her that she’ll never be better than older sister Marcia (Autumn Reeser). However, fortunately, Jan discovers a talking portrait of Abraham Lincoln who talks some sense to her.
And then, middle son Peter (Blake Foster) accidentally breaks a priceless Ming vase. All of the other Brady kids take responsibility for breaking it. President and Vice President Brady quickly figure out that Peter was responsible and, in order to make him confess, they punish every Brady kid but Peter. And then…
Okay, are you getting the feeling that Brady Bunch In The White House is a stupid movie? Well, it is. This 2002 film was made for television and serves as a sequel to the earlier Brady Bunch Movie and A Very Brady Sequel. It features the same basic idea as the first two films: the rest of the world is cynical and angry while the Bradys are still trapped in the wholesome world of their old television show. Mike is still offering up life lessons. Carol is still smiling and saying, “Your father’s right.” Marcia is self-centered. Jan is obsessive. Cindy has issues with tattling. Greg thinks every girl that he meets is really happening in a far out way. Peter is always feeling guilty. Bobby … well, Bobby doesn’t do much of anything.
The big difference is that the Bradys are in the White House now. They’re still reliving incidents from their TV show but now they’re doing it in the White House. And, some of it is kinda cute. Well, I take that back. Most of it is really stupid but the part about the vase made me smile despite myself.
So there’s that.
But, honestly — no, I really can’t think of any clever way to prove that the Brady Bunch In The White House is actually a subversive satire or anything that’s really worth recommending.
Sorry.
However, I did see A Very Brady Sequel on Cinemax last night. It’s kind of funny and features a lot of pretty Hawaiian scenery. Go watch that. Forget about the Brady Bunch In The White House…
Montessi (Kim Coates) and his men have taken over a water filtration plant, are holding hostages, and keep threatening to poison the water supply. Rogue cop David Chase (Jeff Fahey) and Melissa Wilkins (Carrie-Anne Moss) sneak around the plant and try to stop the terrorists. David Chase is set up to be a John McClane type but instead, he only kills one terrorists and then lets everyone else do most of the work. Of course, the whole water filtration hostage situation is just a distraction so Mr. Turner (Gary Busey) can steal a bunch of bonds. Busey sits behind a computer for most of the movie, lending his name but not much else.
Through the Shattered Lens 