And the winner is… Well, we all know the score. Congratulations to Baltimore, and I hope to see San Francisco back in the championship in 2014. But that’s not what I’m posting about. Normally my entertainment niche is music, but I had to voice my opinion for a change on the best Super Bowl commercials of XLVII. Super Bowl commercials today might be pathetic compared to years gone by, but one company in particular had me awkwardly laughing my ass off twice tonight. Who’d have thought it would be a company I typically associate with some of the most annoying, stupid commercials on television? My pick for the best Super Bowl commercials of 2013 goes to Go Daddy. Enjoy.
I was first introduced to the Shake Weight by my friend Shaista (who, by the way, is not only really funny and smart but like totally and completely gorgeous too). At the time, I was telling her about how much I love the Broadview Security Commercial where A.J. attempts to break into a house while the homeowner goes, “A.J? A.J?” And while Shaista agreed with me that A.J. was indeed an enigmatic bad boy who played by his own set of rules, she still claimed that the Shake Weight commercial was far more memorable.
When I actually did see the Shake Weight commercial, I found myself staring dumbfounded at the screen. Finally, I think I managed to say, “Uhmm, don’t they realize that they all look like they’re…” Well, anyway — instead of me going into all the details, let’s just watch one of the commercials:
Well, yes…other than mentioning that my arms must have been in really great shape back in high school, what can I say about that? Luckily, I don’t have to say anything about that because last week, South Park said it for me. Here’s the actual “scene that I love,” the Shake Weight commercial from Creme Fraiche episode of South Park:
By the way, just to keep things fair, I’d just like to point out that there’s a Shake Weight for Men too.
So, about a month and a half ago, Arleigh and I had a little disagreement on which commercial deserved the title of Best Freakin’ Commercial Of All Time. I argued for the cute little Kia commercials featuring the Sockmonkey and the Freaky Red Thing in Vegas. Arleigh, however, claimed that the title actually belonged to a series of ads featuring a scary football player destroying stuff and selling deodorant. Okay, that’s fine. Friends can disagree. In the end all that matters is that I love Sockmonkey and Sockmonkey loves me and we don’t care what you think. So there.
However, all throughout that debate, neither one of us mentioned any possible contenders for the worst commercial of all time. To be honest, there’s probably too many contenders to really pick just one. However, I definitely have a least favorite and here it is…
Okay, maybe this isn’t the worst commercial of all time. In fact, in many ways, it’s oddly effective. However, if it’s not the worst, it’s certainly the most insulting.
What are my specific objections to this commercial? Thank you for asking.
1) I don’t care how effective the freaking 3-D was, the story still sucked! Oh, wait a minute. That’s my specific objection to Avatar. Sorry, it’s been a long week.
Okay, let’s try this again.
1) First off, do I really need a car company to tell me what it means to be an American? Ever since they got their asses bailed out in ’09, American car companies have been producing the most pompous, condescending commercials possible. Whereas once we just saw footage of people driving too fast, car commercials today just feel like propaganda. Now, car commercials are narrated somber men going, “You know what America needs? America needs a comeback.” No, America doesn’t need a comeback. You guys just need to get your shit together. This commercial continues the new tradition of condescending car commercials.
2) “We have always been a nation of builders…” Actually, we’ve also been a nation of poets, artists, freethinkers, farmers, atheists, politicians, libertines, and just about every other category under the sun. I kinda thought that was the whole point. I mean, is this a car commercial or is it an educational video?
3) If you’re going to brag about how America is responsible for the Colt Revolver then at least have the balls to actually show a Colt Revolver while you’re doing it. A bunch of horses races at the Kentucky Downs while a bunch of rich people sit in the stands and cheer has absolutely nothing to do with the Colt Revolver. The Colt Revolver was not named after a horse, it was named after the man who invented it. For the most part, horses were imported to America from Asia by way of Europe. So, just because whoever made this commercial was scared to show a gun, they instead show an image that totally negates the commercial’s message.
4) What’s up with the weird little guy in that radiation suit? I mean, does he not look like a villainous doctor from some horrific science fiction movie from the early 80s? Do we really want someone like that working with radioactive material?
5) Yes, I understand the background music is taken from Johnny Cash song and who doesn’t love Johnny Cash? But the music is still annoyingly repetitive, like the sort of thing that they play to dull your brian during a brainwashing session.
6) “As a people, we tend to do well…” You know what, Mr. Smug Narrator Man? As a person, I do well when I’m not building anything at all. Don’t insult me with all that “as a people…” BS.
7) “The Things We Make, Make Us.” Seriously, this is the type of empty, collectivist statement that would make George Orwell throw a fit. Animal Farm much?
At the risk of committing heresy, commercials (especially older commercials) fascinate me. At their best, commercials are textbook exploitation films. They’re designed to appeal to the audience’s most primal desires and, as a result, are often more truthful reflections of the society that created them than more “mainstream” works of art. A good commercial is a 1-minute journey into the human subconscious. (Of course, at their worst, commercials are just commercials, usually for medicines that have a ton of nasty side effects.)
I was recently searching through YouTube for banned or risqué commercials when I came across these Calvin Klein ads from the early 1990s.
I think I vaguely remember seeing one or two of these commercials when I was six or seven. It may have been the one with the narcissist from Brooklyn because I remember my mom changing the channel as soon as that creepy voice started in with, “You’ve got a nice body.” I can understand why she did because, if nothing else, these commercials give it out a really creepy vibe.
Supposedly (and I should admit that my source for this info. comes from a bunch of anonymous YouTube commentators), these commercials were pulled off the air and its easy to see why. These commercials gave mainstream America what it wanted (good-looking, barely legal eye candy) but did so in a way that emphasized just how sordid most people’s fantasies really are. The creepy and unseen “director” serves as the perfect representative of mainstream, middle-aged America. (Just check out his confusion over the word “mosh” and his complete loss of composure when the one model refuses to fulfill his fantasy.) By leaving the director off-screen, the commercials force the viewer into the role of director. In the best exploitation tradition, these commercials tell the complacent viewer, “This is what the inside of your head really looks like.” At the same time, it also told the young that if they wanted to get the attention of the mainstream establishment, the best way to do so was to tease and offer up implied promises that would never be kept. Supposedly, a lot of people considered these commercials to almost be pornographic. Personally, I prefer to think of them as being subversive in the style of a classic film noir.
While the unseen director is the perfect surrogate for the hidden desires of mainstream America, the models themselves all seem to have wandered out of a Larry Clark film, which is perhaps one reason why I worry about what happened to them after their “interviews.” The first model — Blue-eyed Brandon from Kentucky — is especially cute and I hope he eventually caught the first bus back to Louisville. He doesn’t look to be cut out for the big city and I get the feeling that the narcissist from Brooklyn could kick his ass. I also get the feeling that the older Italian woman ended up making “love on film” with the guy who ripped his shirt in half while the mosher probably ended up impregnating the airhead who wears 30 year-old jeans. I also get the feeling that the mosher may have been the younger brother of the girl who says, “I won’t dance for you.” (And good for her!)
These commercials all feel authentic, even if you’re not quite sure what’s going on. From the grainy film stock to the shabby studio to the disturbingly intrusive voice of the “director,” these commercials can make your skin crawl. You watch and you wonder if anyone ever saw these models again after their audition. Its hard not to suspect that they all ended up either buried in someone’s backyard or maybe on a boat heading to Aruba.
At the same time, these commercials oddly enough do make you want to go out and buy jeans because, while all of the models appear to be doomed, at least they all look really good. As a result, the commercials themselves become the ultimate example of the philosophy of “Live Fast, Die Young, and Leave a Good Looking Corpse”
Through the Shattered Lens 