Cruella’s Castle (2010, directed by Fred Olen Ray)

Posted on October 15, 2023 by Jedadiah Leland

Dr. Bikini Jones (Christine Nguyen) is a world-famous adventurer and archeologist who is willing to brave any danger and sleep with any security guard or spy in her hunt for treasure. She has just recovered a golden idol that contains a code that will lead to the Temple of Eros and a tiara that, when worn, makes the wearer the Empress of Moronica.

Evilla Cruella (Heather Vandeven) may have born in Hoboken but her family came from Mornica and she is determined to be Queen of the Morons. She sends her lover Drago (Frankie Cullen) and her other lover, Carol (Rebecca Love), to steal the idol. Working with CIA agent Mark X (Tony Marino), Bikini must keep Cruella from being the first to find the Temple of Eros. It won’t be easy because the Temple itself is guarded by a hungry dinosaur!

Cruella’s Castle started life as an 82-minute softcore film called Bikni Jones and The Temple of Eros. When the film moved to streaming, it was edited to remove all of the explicit sex and most of the nudity and renamed Cruella’s Castle. (Without the sex and boobs, Cruella’s Castle is only 40 minutes long.) I imagine many would say that the editing took the main reason why anyone would want to watch this movie in the first place but, even in edited form, Cruella’s Castle has got enough double entendrees and intentionally dumb jokes to be entertaining. The dinosaur is surprisingly effective, considering that the budget for this movie was undoubtedly not high and Christine Nguyen has so much energy and enthusiasm as Bikini Jones that it’s hard not to mourn that she hasn’t had any more adventures. This is a typical Fred Olen Ray joint, dumb but inoffensive and even a little fun if you’re in the right mood.

Late Night Cable Review: Cinderella’s Hot Night (2017, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Posted on August 4, 2017 by Valerie Troutman

Ever wanted to watch Dean McKendrick and some of his usual late night cable actors try to spoof a Hallmark movie? I’m glad I have now.

You could take that title card, put in the title of a Hallmark movie, and not have to change anything else about it.

The movie starts off with narration from Christine Nguyen. She introduces us to the prince of Cratonia named Steven (Kyle Knies). Steven’s father is not happy about his son being a bachelor.

Sarah Hunter is his secretary named Samantha. She shows up to tell the audience that there is going to be some business dealings with an American company, so that he will have an excuse to meet Cinderella.

The movie wastes no time cutting to Cindy (Karlie Montana) who works at Universal Imports. She’s not having the best of days. At least she isn’t getting fired for wearing that top to work.

In fact, her boss Patrick (William F. Bryant) is concerned about her, and invites her into his Godfather office.

Why does he have that?

Also, I guess he didn’t live happily ever after with Kira Noir at the end of The Deadly Pickup (2016).

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

As you can read, she is getting kicked out of her apartment. Her boss does what any good boss would do to make sure an intern doesn’t lose their position by having to get a job. He gives her a spare room at his house.

Patrick could die tomorrow, and no one where he lives would care.

Then we meet his wife, Mona, played by Beverly Lynne.

That’s a face you can trust. She plays the wicked stepmother character.

They have a butler who has a name within the film, but I think his stage name will do just fine.

If I had to sum-up Regis’ character in this film, then it would be like the maî·tre d in Barbara Broadcast (1977). That guy has to be given a blow job by any waitress or costumer who drops dishes, a glass, or a vase–anything breakable. He doesn’t seem to get any pleasure from it. It’s part of the job for him. He really seems to just want to go about his business managing the restaurant.

Barbara Broadcast (1977, dir. Radley Metzger)

That’s Regis. With that in mind, it has been a whole five minutes of runtime.

By the time they shot this film, Lynne was 43 years-old. I can’t tell you how refreshing it was to see her get a scene. You don’t usually see that in one of these late night cable movies.

Immediately after they finish, Patrick shows up to tell us that his company will have some dealings with the prince.

What’s missing? We have Cinderella. We have the wicked stepmother. We have the father who sometimes is part of the Cinderella story. It’s the stepsisters we need.

Enter Grace (Blair Williams) and Sylvia (Penny Pax). This isn’t the Emma Marx from the first film. This is Penny Pax circa the sequels to The Submission Of Emma Marx (2013).

They’re exactly what you would expect–ditzy and entitled.

Patrick tells them Cindy is coming, and we move onto the next scene.

And that is all you need to see of the next scene. That is all there is to it. This is the only time they meet until much later. This quick, casual, and super-short scene.

Wait a second, this place was burned to the ground in Paranormal Sexperiments (2016).

Paranormal Sexperiments (2016, dir. Terrance Ryker)

I don’t like it when different films that use the same sets break continuity.

Patrick brings Cindy home. She gets the reception you would expect from the sisters.

Penny Pax, presumedly because she’s sick of her dress causing her to blend in with the bed…

grabs Regis, and drags him to another room. They must really expect privacy in this house because they never close the door.

It even appears to have confused one of the actors or crew members, because they get caught in this shot.

I was confused too. The movie was expecting me to get into this sex scene with those three pink dogs in the background? I couldn’t stop looking at them throughout this part.

The next morning, they make an immigration joke…

before Patrick tells us he is going to hop a plane to go see Steven on his native movie-set.

To quote Christine Nguyen, Cindy has been left in a “den of vipers.” I think Cindy is wondering about that statue behind her. I certainly was.

They make Cindy fetch a bottle of wine.

After arriving in Cratonia, Patrick and Samantha hit it off well. They have sex…

we see an Instagram photo…

and Patrick dies along with everyone onboard the plane.

Christine Nguyen tells us this via voiceover narration in a very nonchalant and upbeat way.

Oh, well. Goodbye, Patrick. We hardly knew you.

Anyways, Nguyen finally decides to show up as Cindy’s fairy godmother.

Cindy’s main problem is that she is lonely. With a little magic, Cindy’s fairy godmother is naked, and ready to pleasure Cindy.

That’s because even James Franco had his mind blown in Interior. Leather Bar. (2013) about the fact that he could be making a movie with pornographic sequences in it and the Disney film Oz the Great and Powerful (2013) at the same time.

It makes sense that these two would end up together. They already did this in a previous movie.

College Coeds vs. Zombie Housewives (2015, dir. Dean McKendrick)

I have two problems with this scene.

The first is that picture of a pineapple on the wall. The second is the tiara. It’s a little difficult to pay attention when you keep wondering how that is going to stay on.

Mona now visits a cameo appearance by Ryan Driller in order to find out that her husband was in a lot of debt, and she’s stuck with it. This part only exists so they can’t pay Regis to stay around, and can con Cindy into doing their bidding in exchange for continuing to stay with them. That’s how she is going to slip into the standard Cinderella role.

We also find out that Regis comes from Iowa and is probably going end up shoveling pig shit.

“Pig shit” must be the magic phrase though, because Grace decides to have sex with him before he leaves.

Now we can skip over some things because it’s the standard Cinderella stuff. The only thing you need to know is that Steven decides to hold a New Year’s Eve party in America.

Cindy has a shower scene so she can have a couple of flashbacks. One of the two flashbacks is to the only time Steven and her have been in a room together up to this point. It’s as if they felt they needed to remind you that they even know each other.

Moaning about not being able to go to the ball, a visit from The Fairy Godmother, and we are at the party.

I beg to differ. What about that tattoo on her arm?

Inside, you know the deal. Hi there, guy on the right.

She ends up running away from the party and The Fairy Godmother’s magic is faulty as usual. It leaves one of the shoes intact.

Steven wants her tracked down, and he’ll creep out Sarah Hunter if he has to in order to find her.

He arrives at what appears to be the entrance to a different house that was used in Bikini Model Mayhem (2015).

Bikini Model Mayhem (2015, dir. Jon Taylor)

After you get over the red Buddha sitting next to a plant in the shape of hair on a troll doll, he has found her. They consummate the shoe fitting.

They live happily ever after.

Mona and her daughters are turned into “scullery maids.”

And I guess Regis went back to Iowa. He gets no closure in this film.

That was different from the usual. The acting is fine all-around. They really did take a generic Hallmark plot and add sex to it. I didn’t like seeing Penny Pax play this kind of character. However, if you haven’t seen her play Emma Marx, then I can’t see it bothering you. The sex stuff was fine even if they really should have taken some of the humorous things out of the room. I mean I liked them for the purposes of having fun with this movie. But if you are watching it for the sex, then I could see it being distracting, and taking you out of the moment. The plot is Cinderella. You know the story.

This one is about average.

Late Night Cable Movie Review: The Love Machine (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Posted on July 29, 2017 by Valerie Troutman

It’s been awhile since I wrote a review of a feature film. Let’s see if I can still get through one of these. How hard can it be? It’s a Dean McKendrick movie.

If you’re gonna watch this, then I hope you have seen McKendrick’s The Deadly Pickup (2016) and Model For Murder (2016) since this is basically a third film in what could be an unofficial trilogy.

The movie begins, and we see what looks like an amplifier with two voltage gauges, a pressure gauge stuck on top, and something that shoots a beam out of it, which I’m sure comes from another one of McKendrick’s films.

Much like this set, which is where Sarah Hunter’s character from Model For Murder was killed.

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

In this film, Carter Cruise is playing Bair. She is in a session with psychologist, Dr. Stephanie Bradshaw (Jennifer Korbin). Bradshaw asks her what she does when she sees an attractive man. She wants to know what her first thoughts are. Those first thoughts are of stock footage from The Deadly Pickup.

The opening kill.

And Rick!

You remember Rick, right? He’s the guy who got pricked with her poisonousness ring, yet still managed to stumble from the car where they had sex…

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

so that he could die somewhere else.

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Then he came back in Model For Murder as a photographer.

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

There’s also a flashback to Charlie who had to be rescued from Cruise by Deputy Randall.

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Don’t worry, Deputy Randall, who was promoted to detective in Model For Murder, makes a return in this film. Like Cruise, he is playing a different character. However, unlike Cruise, he is played by Billy Snow via the pseudonym of Alan Long. Makes sense to use the name of an actor from 1975’s Pick-up.

After the reused footage, the doctor turns up the dial on the machine, then asks her again what she wants to do with the attractive man.

Perfect! I can’t say the same about these opening credits though. This dance number with Erika Jordan goes on just short of forever.

It only exists so she can give a lap dance to one of our main characters, Don (Justin Berti), in order to introduce us to him.

It also gives me an excuse to wonder what led her from working as a detective to dancing at this club.

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Also, Don has gone from managing models to sadly having to visit this strip club.

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

After a shot of a street somewhere, we cut to the bedroom where Erika Jordan and Billy Snow had sex in Model For Murder.

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

This is where we meet Don’s wife, Jane (Alice Haig). They are having trouble with their marriage. He wants to try couples therapy, but she is reluctant, so he leaves to sleep on the couch, which judging by the paint on the walls, is probably in the same building as the room from earlier.

Meanwhile, at the $20 Oil Change…

Don strikes up a conversation with his friend John (Michael Hopkins) concerning his marriage problems.

I know I said something similar when I talked about Model For Murder, but welcome back to the world of the living, Josh. You might remember Michael Hopkins as Carter Cruise’s first victim in The Deadly Pickup. Or you don’t, because you have a life, haven’t seen all three movies, and certainly haven’t paid this much attention to them.

We also get the return of Sheriff Bates…

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

except this time Michael Gaglio owns this $20 Oil Change.

And I got this humorous shot of Justin Berti.

It doesn’t have to do with anything. I just thought I’d share it with you.

John suggests a therapist that worked for him and his wife, Angie.

Then we get what looks like a new set.

Sure, it appears to have been decorated by the same people who did the police station in The Deadly Pickup, but I couldn’t find it anywhere else.

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Inside, the doctor gets the story from Don and Jane about their troubles while they sit on the couch that Rick had sex on in Model For Murder.

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Of course she’s an ideal candidate to be zapped by that machine. The questions ultimately lead the doctor to asking Jane about her sexual fantasies. This time we don’t get stock footage. It’s just another reused set. She dreams of sunbathing on the set of the sexual encounter with a murder victim her husband told police about in Model For Murder.

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

And of course there’s a pool boy (Robbie Caroll). You may remember him as the police officer who arrested Katie Morgan at the beginning of Vixens From Venus (2016).

Vixens From Venus (2016, dir. Sal V. Miers)

Much like Jordan, his career seems to be on the downswing. He was once a police officer, and now he’s been reduced to being a pool boy.

This is the first sex scene of the movie. I would love to have heard the conversation on the other end of this that Jane was having with the doctor.

While this scene happens, we are treated to a few minutes of a soundalike of Take Five by The Dave Brubeck Quartet.

The session went well, and a follow-up appointment is set.

Now we get to find out what the outcome of these treatments is when we get to meet John’s wife, Angie (Pepper XO).

A call comes in from the therapist who tells Angie that “it’s time.” That means it’s time to have sex on Brian and Traci’s bed from The Deadly Pickup.

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

It also means that it’s time for John to die from a corkscrew to the chest.

The next morning, Jane tells Don that she thinks the treatments are going well, and Don goes off to work to have the bad news broken to him about his friend being killed. But before Don receives the bad news, we get to see that the $20 Oil Change has an SBC payphone in 2016.

Gaglio breaks the news to Don, which leads the film to immediately cut to two people having sex on a leopard-print bed. I have no idea who they are.

She gets a call from the doctor, and he’s dead.

Now Jane meets Jeff (Billy Snow). If he looks worried here…

it’s because of who his wife is.

Jane goes in for another treatment. While she is under the control of the machine, the doctor forces herself upon Jane. No joke. They really could have left this scene out–no matter how short it is.

Don now breaks the news to Jane about John’s death so that we know the two of them have a reason to start being suspicious of the doctor. That’s not important though, because the scene that I was waiting for, finally happens.

Breezy finally gets her revenge on Deputy Randall. Does the rest of the film really matter now?

Okay, fine. Jane is lying in bed when she has a dream of Christine Nguyen doing a shower scene. I’m not kidding. They randomly inserted a shower scene by having Jane dream about one out of the blue for no apparent reason.

With the death of Billy Snow, Don is convinced things are fishy with the doctor, and he tries to talk Jane out of seeing her. It doesn’t work.

Then they have another shower scene. I have to give them some credit. They do end it with pertinent information to the plot. Jane remembers the doctor’s “Kill him” line.

Don does some intense research online about the doctor.

Long story short, something bad happened to her, so she’s taking revenge on other people.

Don now races to save his wife from this monster. Unfortunately, Don’s an idiot, and Jane zaps him with the machine, leading to a sex scene. However, since we are at the end of the film, when Jane pulls a gun to shoot him, he takes it away from her.

The doctor comes in, and I kind of love Don because he doesn’t hesitate for second. She pulls a knife, and he shoots her.

A quick shot at the machine, and Jane is free from its power. A couple lines of dialog are exchanged, then the movie abruptly ends.

So, that’s The Love Machine.

For the people watching for entertainment value, it doesn’t have much to offer other than getting to see Carter Cruise do in Billy Snow.

For people watching for the sex, it doesn’t have much either. There are a couple of sex scenes, and two shower scenes shoehorned into the movie. The one scene of girl-on-girl is kind of disturbing seeing as the doctor does sexually assault her. Then the movie adds confusion since that encounter is what appears to trigger her to have a dream about a woman taking a shower. Yet, it’s never followed up on.

I almost would have preferred the doctor to win in the end by taking Jane away with her. Sure, it would have been dark, but it would have been something memorable about this movie.

I can’t recommend this one.

Late Night Cable Horror: College Coeds vs. Zombie Housewives (2015, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Posted on February 12, 2016 by Valerie Troutman

Sylvester Stallone, Russ Meyer, Jill Clayburgh, Ron Jeremy, David Duchovny, Abel Ferrara, Frankie Cullen, Catherine Bell, Zalman King, Lloyd Kaufman, Roger Ebert, Ed Wood, Jacqui Holland, Andy Warhol, Jim Wynorski, and many others have worked in erotica, softcore, and/or hardcore. That’s all I have to say about the stupidity that happened today.

Since this movie didn’t have the courtesy to start with a usable title card and I’m still refusing to resort to black boxes, I am beginning where the movie actually starts. We have a black screen and hear a woman say, “What the hell is wrong with you bitches?!” Then we cut to cheerleaders, such as that one played by Erika Jordan, beating up the “zombies”. I put zombies in quotations because they are about as much zombies as the zombies were in the Pierre Kirby movie Zombie vs. Ninja (1989). By that I mean people moving stiff as a board and that’s about it. You’d think they’d go for the obvious joke here, but they don’t.

Funny fact: According to the credits, Erika was the fight choreographer for this movie.

We are now taken back three days so the movie can introduce us to our main couple.

For those of you who have seen Invisible Centerfolds, yes, that is Frankie Dell. Yes, he once again plays a scientist. And yes, that does mean this is a wacky Dean McKendrick movie like Invisible Centerfolds. Just thankfully they don’t dress Frankie Dell in such a way that he becomes porno Bill Nye. However, this is one where they have music that sure sounds similar to Santana’s Smooth. They don’t directly rip it off, but if you watch this, then you’ll hear what I’m talking about.

The setup here is that Jennings (Frankie Dell) isn’t getting laid at home by his wife any more. Being a scientist he decides that if men get Viagra, then surely he can come up with something similar to help out women. Of course he’s as bright as the guy in the first part of Pietro Germi’s The Birds, The Bees, and the Italians (1966). By that I mean he just leaves his friend with his wife to go to work not even thinking there might be something going on there. Of course there is.

There’s a documentary called Aroused (2013) where the director Deborah Anderson interviews numerous female porn stars. I don’t recommend it. It’s self-serving and the cinematography is headache inducing. However, an interesting piece of information slipped out from one of the ladies. She mentioned that people usually don’t realize that it’s actually harder on the guys. Of course that wasn’t on the agenda so it wasn’t followed up on. I mention it because several times in this movie you can see the guys go into a Buddhist-like meditation to keep going for the scene.

Now we go to the lab and meet Jennings’ assistant Marilyn (Mary Carey). Apparently, they have brought in rats, monkeys, rabbits, raccoons, chipmunks, and beavers to test out this stuff on. There is actually a payoff later in the movie for them stopping to list those animals.

Mary decides to be a guinea pig herself and drinks the stuff even though there are apparently some early signs of a secondary effect. She pretends that it works and has sex with Jennings. Of course he does it in the name of science. By the way, here’s what I mean by a Buddhist-like trance state.

That is not the face of a happy man. That’s the face of either a man who can’t go off at all or is desperately trying to work in a symbiotic relationship with it rather than a parasitic one. People may tell you myths about it, but that it has a mind of it’s own is not one of them. It doesn’t control you, but it sure does its own thing.

However, it’s not all fun and games. After Jennings leaves the room, that secondary effect kicks in, but only for a moment.

She acts like she is partially possessed by a spirit. She bumps into a few things before regaining control. I love that one of the things she bumps into is a bottle of the very pain killer I take for fibromyalgia.

Meanwhile, back at what I’m pretty sure was Atomic Hotel Erotica (2014), we meet two of the housewives. That’s Tracy (Karlie Montana) and Carrie (Christine Nguyen). Jennings convinces them to have a drink, which of course spikes with the experimental drug. Seeing as they have no reaction whatsoever, he figures Marilyn was lying to him.

After tennis so that the guy boning Jennings wife can rub it in how about much better his sex life is, we finally meet the “coeds” of the title.

By that I mean cheerleaders who have apparently moved in next door. Guess it could be worse. Could be vampires who suddenly become your neighbors like in Erotic Vampires of Beverly Hills. Oh, and yes, they are terrible cheerleaders. And that’s coming from someone who suffered through the last two Bring It On movies without having seen any of the others. That is definitely Erika Jordan in the center. You can always tell it’s her. She’s the porn star who looks like she went back in time to 1915 and was branded by Sessue Hayakawa in The Cheat (1915). Course while he’s over there getting googly eyed at cheerleaders, Jennings’ formula kicks in.

After they are done giving each other thorough cleanings and inspections for lumps, we cut back to the lab and Marilyn receives a call. I have to mention that they even bothered to put in a quick line here that Marilyn has no boyfriend. I can’t tell you how nice it is when any movie that prominently features sex provides a reason for it to occur. Even if it’s something wacky like a potion. He has the bad news that the stuff she drank does after awhile induce a trance-like state. This is going on as we crosscut to the couples playing tennis when…

zombie housewives!

Then Erika leaves two of the other cheerleaders to go meet with their coach. Then as Bring It On: Quest For The Mighty Spirit Stick taught me, cheerleaders do need to limber up. Yeah, that is a weak excuse, but these movies often do try to have a reasonably equal mix of both girl-on-girl as well as guys with girls.

Some stuff happens now that doesn’t matter. But we do get this line from Jennings’ wife.

Could be worse. Could be the potion that turns you into a gorilla Frankie Dell made in Invisible Centerfolds.

Then we get a call to Steve played by Mike Gaglio. By the way, among other things, Mike Gaglio is in the religious movie God’s Club (2015).

He’s not having a good time over there. According to him he’s “got a roomful of killer zombie rabbits over here.

I got squirrels going after raccoons. The rats have overtaken the commissary. I don’t even want to tell you what the monkeys are up to!” But he does comfort her that he has someone working on an antidote.

Back home, Frankie Dell has a short scene that once again reminds us that he really doesn’t belong in these movies. Frankie Cullen could make a career in these films if he wants to, but Frankie Dell should jump ship ASAP. He is just a comedian. Heck, one of his earliest roles was as a voice on Daria. He doesn’t belong here at all.

Then we go to Andrew Espinoza Long who played G.W. Bushwhacker in Bikini Model Mayhem and plays Hank who is married to Carrie hanging out with the cheerleaders. This leads exactly where you think it does. I just wonder a bit of how the girl on the bottom is getting any fun out of the situation.

Now we get a little zombie action out of Marilyn.

Then Carrie complains to Marilyn about her husband hanging out with those cheerleaders. Of course this means Carrie needs to give Marilyn her annual checkup.

After Carrie points out the obvious to Jennings that the cheerleaders are closer to his martial problems than any stupid formula, we finally have our stand down between the college coeds and zombie housewives.

It’s kind of funny, but pretty stupid. I was much more interested in Mike Gaglio who shows up in the lab with the antidote. He’s been dealing with “killer zombie raccoons, and killer zombie squirrels.” I wanted to see that!

They do get the antidote to the girls in time and Jennings wife breaks up with him. You know, it is appropriate that I review these movies and Hallmark movies cause aside from, of all movies today, Carnal Wishes is the only one I remember that doesn’t have a super happy ending like Hallmark movies do. Even Jennings ends up with Judy (Erika Jordan) six months later after losing his wife. He is still up to his experimental hijinks too.

This is not as good as Bikini Model Mayhem or Carnal Wishes. See those first, then come back for this. It’s Dean McKendrick in fine form. Also, Frankie Dell is a funny man. I strongly hope he starts showing up in other kinds of movies. It’s kind of sad that since he has done some of these films he most likely can’t make the jump to a Disney Channel show. He would make for a very humorous supporting character on one of those shows as a bumbling scientist at the kids’ school. Oh, well.