Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
This week, season 2 ends as the new art teacher tempts Gabe to have an affair with someone who actually likes his jokes!
Episode 2.23 “I Wonder Who’s Kissing Gabe Now”
(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on March 3rd, 1977)
The second season finale opens with Gabe telling Julie a joke about his cousin Mark, who went back to the old neighborhood and dropped in on the old shoe repairman. The shoe repairman saw that Mark was carrying a sales ticket from several years ago and he said, “Your shoes will be ready next Tuesday!” Julie laughed politely.
The second season finale closes with Gabe telling Julie a really long joke about the time his Aunt Mabel went to see a psychiatrist on Park Avenue and was basically led back to the outside of the building because she didn’t make enough money to see a Park Avenue doctor. Again, Julie laughed politely.
From the very first episode, Gabe telling Julie a joke about his family has been one of this show’s mainstays. Sometimes, Julie smiles in response. Sometimes, she gives up a pity laugh or two. And sometimes, she seems downright annoyed with Gabe for wasting her time. Gabe’s jokes are obviously very important to him. (And, of course, they served to remind the audience that, when he wasn’t starring on a sitcom, Gabe Kaplan was a stand-up comedian.) However, Julie never really seems to be too enthusiastic about them. I imagine that a lot of this was due to the fact that Gabe Kaplan and Marcia Strassman did not get along behind-the-scenes but, for the show, it really does make you wonder just how much longer Gabe and Julie are going to be married. I mean, by this point, it’s obvious that the reason Gabe spends so much time with the Sweathogs is so he won’t have to deal with Julie. And Julie’s bad cooking is obviously a result of her secret desire to poison her husband. This marriage just feels doomed.
The Sweathogs are certainly concerned about that. When Epstein overhears the new art teacher, Paula Holtzgang (Denise Galick), telling Gabe that she has fallen in love with him, he is stunned. He is even more shocked when he sees Gabe and Holtzgang kissing. Of course, what Epstein doesn’t realize is that Paula was the one kissing Gabe and not the other way around. Epstein tells the Sweathogs what he witnessed. Horshack panics, wondering who will get custody of the Sweathogs if the Kotters split up. Barbarino tries to solve the problem by showing off some of his dance moves as Paula leaves the school but, to his shock, she ignores him.
For his part, Gabe tells Julie about what happened and he says that he told Paula he wasn’t interested. Julie demands to know if Paula is prettier than her. Gabe says that Paula is a “different type” than Julie ….. which, yeah, that was not the right answer. Fortunately, Gabe does not tell Julie that Paula kissed him. Instead, the Sweathogs show up at the apartment and, attempting to save the marriage, tell Julie that she shouldn’t worry about the kiss.
With Julie on the verge of demanding a divorce, Gabe kicks the Sweathogs out of the apartment and he then assures Julie that he loves her and he can’t wait for their child to be born. He even has a name picked out: “Farrah Fawcett Kotter.”
The next day, Gabe enters his classroom to find Paula waiting for him. Paula says that she no longer finds Gabe attractive and leaves.
And that’s it for the second season!
Wow, what a strange episode to end on. I mean, I guess it was good because it confirmed that Gabe and Julie will not be getting a divorce even though it’s obvious that they hate each other. And this episode also reinforced how much the Sweathogs loved their teacher. John Travolta got to show off his dance moves and that’s always a good thing. But, overall, this episode was broad even by the standards of Welcome Back Kotter, with the Sweathogs coming across as being a bit to cartoonish for their own good. The Sweathogs have always been a bit over the top but, in the past, they were still at least believable as tough but sometimes vulnerable Brooklyn teens. But, for the past few episodes, they’ve become more like comic book characters than real people.
And yes, there was a Welcome Back, Kotter comic book:
Anyway, that’s it for the second season! Next week …. season 3 begins! Will the Sweathogs ever graduate?
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
This week, the Sweathogs make like difficult for a pregnant woman.
Episode 2.22 “I’m Having Their Baby”
(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on February 24th, 1977)
At the apartment, Gabe is saying goodbye to Julie because he’s going to a week-long teacher’s convention. Before he leaves, Gabe tells Julie about his uncle, who worked at the same job for several years without getting a promotion because he wasn’t bright enough.
Meanwhile, at school, the Sweathogs are waiting for their substitute and wondering why Mr. Kotter did not invite Mrs. Kotter to the convention. Why do they care? I always made fun of City Guys for the bizarre obsession all of the students had for their principal but the Sweathogs are almost as bad with their obsessing on the Kotter marriage. Mr. Woodman steps into the room and introduces them to their substitute, Mr. Overly (Frank Corsentino). Woodman assures Mr. Overly that the Sweathogs are wonderful students.
Later, the Sweathogs are hanging around outside of the school and talking about how Mr. Overly left the classroom in tears. Julie walks by, carrying a bunch of groceries. The Sweathogs help her take the groceries to her apartment. Unaware that Julie hates them and is trying to get them to go home, they all decide to hang out in her living room. Epstein mentions that all of the Sweathogs’s mothers were pregnant at one time or another.
“Not my mother,” Barbarino replies, “She’s a saint.” Barbarino goes on to explain that stork “don’t bring babies no more …. they fired the storks.”
Julie tells the Sweathogs, “I am a pregnant woman and pregnant women have cravings. I’m craving privacy.”
Usually, Julie kind of annoys me but she’s absolutely right here. GO HOME, SWEATHOGS! Seriously, Gabe should have called the police the first time they broke in through the fire escape.
The next day, at school, the Sweathogs — with the exception of Barbarino — finally figure out that Julie was mad at them and now, Gabe will be angry at them. Freddie says that they need to do something to make it up to Julie. “What would a young expectant mother want?” he wonders.
“A husband!” Epstein says.
“She’s got a husband!”
“A better one!”
Epstein suggests throwing a surprise party …. oh no, this sound like a bad idea….
Woodman then shows up with the new substitute (Ned Wertimer), who says he doesn’t want any trouble and that he has two kids.
“They’re going to miss ya,” Epstein says.
After school, the Sweathogs somehow get into the Kotter apartment, even though Julie is not there. Sweathogs, this is not a good idea! Apparently, they’ve decided to clean the apartment for Julie, which leads to Epstein accidentally trashing the place while trying to vacuum and Horshack putting way too much dish soap in the sink. Soon, there are bubbles everywhere. Julie comes home to discover the apartment trashed.
“Surprise!” Barbarino shouts.
“What are you guys doing here!?” Julie demands.
“Cleaning up!” Epstein replies.
The Sweathogs apologize and Barbarino actually has a tear in his eye. (Awwwwww! BARBARINO!) Gabe calls and Julie tells him that the Sweathogs are at the apartment. Freddie takes the phone and says, “Hi there.” Horshack, who is really annoying in this episode, grabs the phone and yells, “Hello, big buckaroo!” Julie gets the phone back and assures Gabe that the Sweathogs have been total gentlemen.
Hanging up the phone, Julie thanks the Sweathogs for their good intentions. The Sweathogs return to school, where they discover that their third substitute (Larry Brooks) is 7’1 and not easily intimidated.
Finally, Woodman stops by the apartment and tells Julie a joke about a woman who goes to the police after a random man tells her that her baby is the ugliest he’s ever seen. The policeman says, “Lady, calm down. We’ll make out a report, you’ll have a cup of coffee, and we’ll get a banana for your monkey.” Julie is not amused but I laughed typing the joke out. Woodman is so proud of the joke that you can’t help but be happy for him. You also can’t help but appreciate the gleeful madness that John Sylvester White brought to the role.
I have to say, as someone who really, really likes her space, this episode made me cringe. It takes a lot to make me feel sorry for Julie but the Sweathogs pulled it off! As the second season comes to a close (we’ve got the finale next week), it’s hard not to notice that Sweathogs have been progressively been getting more and more cartoonish in their antics. They were always pretty over-the-top but, during the first season and the first half of the second season, they still came across as being believable teenagers. When the show started, there was a vulnerability to the Sweathogs, all of whom were basically good kids who had spent their entire life being told they were worthless. That vulnerability seems to disappear after the Sweathogs got locked in that museum and that’s kind of a shame.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
Julie’s pregnant and Freddie’s a star!
Episode 2.20 “The Littlest Sweathog”
(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on February 10th, 1977)
At the apartment, Julie sees that Gabe has a sketch pad and she demands to know what he’s drawing.
“A picture of you,” Gabe replies. He explains that he’ll let her see the picture after he tells her a joke about a relative of his who lost a lot of money when he put $5 on horse number five and the horse came in fifth. (It went over my heard but I’m not a gambler.) Anyway, the picture isn’t very good and Julie tells him that Gabe’s attempt at art is “funnier than the joke.”
YIKES!
After the opening credits, we return to the apartment where Gabe is tutoring Barbarino. The audiences screams so loudly when Barbarino shows up at the apartment that it’s hardly surprising that he’s having trouble concentrating in school. I mean, that audience is really loud!
No sooner has the lesson begun with Gabe asking what Barbarino knows about D-day (“That’s the day I bring home my report card.”) then the phone rings. Barbarino tells Gabe that it might be a girl calling for him but instead, it’s Julie’s doctor calling to tell her that she’s pregnant.
“Julie’s pregnant!” Gabe shouts.
Barbarino says, “Don’t look at me.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Vinnie! I know who the father is!”
“Who?”
Gabe is convinced that he’s the father, despite the fact that Vinnie does kind of have a point. I mean, Julie really doesn’t seem to even like Gabe the majority of the time. When Julie comes home, Gabe eventually convinces Vinnie to leave so that he can tell Julie the news. Gabe is excited. Julie is not excited at all, pointing out that she can’t even remember to water the plants half the time. Gabe tells Julie that she’ll glow. Julie responds that “Spending a half-hour trying to get out of a chair is not my idea of glowing.”
The next day, at school, the Sweathogs are debating what type of present they should get Gabe. Freddie suggests a savings bond. Horshack offers to donate 89 cents. The Sweathogs are incredibly invested in the happiness of Gabe’s baby, which is quite a contrast to the way we viewed the teachers at my high school. We didn’t know anything about their lives outside of school and we didn’t want to know.
After Horshack tells Woodman that Gabe is going to be a father, Woodman replies, “This time, you’ve gone too far, Kotter! Who is it!? What’s her name?”
Gabe assures Woodman that the only person who he’s gotten pregnant is his wife. Woodman replies that Gabe is going to have to start holding up gas stations to have enough money to raise a child. Gabe tells Woodman that Julie doesn’t seem to be to thrilled. Woodman replies, “I wouldn’t be too thrilled about having your baby either,” before laughing maniacally.
Back at the apartment, Julie is feeling depressed because, as she says when she hears someone knocking at the door, “Somehow, I just don’t feel like I’m glowing!” Julie answers the door and sighs in frustration as the Sweathogs enter the apartment.
“Oh! The lady in waiting!” Horshack announces. Meanwhile, Barbarino notices that Julie is reading a book by Dr. Spock. “I’m a big Star Trek fan, too,” Barbarino says.
Gabe comes home and, somewhat oddly, is not shocked to find the Sweathogs in his apartment. Gabe asks the Sweathogs to leave. Barbarino and Freddie are happy to go because they want to watch TV. “This bionic woman is getting bigger transistors tonight,” Barbarino says. “Dyno-mite!” Freddie replies.
After the Sweathogs finally leave, Julie says that she realizes that, fears aside, she wants to have the baby. Gabe is happy because he’ll have someone new to tell all of his jokes.
Later, Gabe buys a stuffed dog for the baby and then tells it about his uncle who owned a dog named Roscoe.
This episode was both sweet and a bit awkward to watch. On the one hand, I appreciated the fact that the show tried to be realistic in its portrayal of Julie’s overwhelmed reaction to learning that she was pregnant. On the other hand, this episode really drove him the fact that Gabe Kaplan and Marica Strassman didn’t exactly have a lot of chemistry. By most accounts, Kaplan and Strassman couldn’t stand each other behind the scenes and that tension between the two of them was really noticeable in this episode. (It’s hard not to notice that Gabe and Julie never seem to make much eye contact in this episode.) Reportedly, Strassman often complained that she didn’t get enough to do as Julie. This episode put Julie center-stage but she still had to share it with the Sweathogs and the whole thing just felt kind of weird. I actually felt bad for Julie. She can’t even relax in her own apartment without Gabe’s students coming by!
I’m starting to worry about the baby. Let’s move on.
Episode 2.21 “Radio Free Freddie”
(Directed by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on February 17th, 1977)
At the apartment, Gabe tells Julie about his uncle who was a paratrooper and who apparently plunged to death when his super emergency parachute didn’t open. That’s not a nice joke to tell a pregnant woman, Gabe!
At the school, Gabe is explaining to the Sweathogs that a famous radio DJ known as Wally the Wow is a former Sweathogs and Gabe has arranged for Epstein, Barbarino, Freddie, and Horshack to work as radio DJs for the week. What? How did that happen? This seems more like a City Guys thing than a Welcome Back Kotter thing. If you owned a radio station, would you turn programming over to four high school students? Would you let Horshack on the radio?
Anyway, Wally the Wow is played by legendary comedian George Carlin and his producer, Andy, is played by The Love Boat‘s Fred Grandy. When the Sweathogs take their turns on the radio, Wally is totally impressed by Freddie’s radio voice and, realizing that the rest of them don’t have Freddie’s talent, the other Sweathogs leave the station. Freddie becomes a big hit but his friends think that he’s let the fame go to his head. Wally tells Freddie that being a DJ can be a lonely job. Freddie is prepared to give up his radio dreams but then the other Sweathogs drop by the station and apologize for being jealous. Freddie agrees to stay on as a DJ.
Later, Gabe drops by the station and thanks Wally for taking care of the Sweathogs. They reminisce about high school. “I remember you used to tell all of those stupid jokes about your uncles,” Wally says, “I’m glad you outgrew that.”
This was a weird episode, largely because it really didn’t make any sense for Wally to put the Sweathogs on the radio in the first place. It would not surprise me if this was yet another backdoor pilot, this time for a sitcom that would have followed the adventures of Wally the Wow and his goofy engineer, Andy. Still, as strange as the episode was, it did give Freddie, the most underused of the Sweathogs, a chance to have a moment in the spotlight so that was a good thing.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
This week, we learn more than we ever wanted to know about Arnold Horshack.
Episode 2.19 “There Goes Number Five (a.k.a. Has Anyone Seen Arnold Part 2)”
(Dir by Bob LaHendro and James Komack, originally aired on February 3rd, 1977)
When last we checked in with the Sweathogs, Arnold Horshack was missing and perhaps dead. This episode opens with the Sweathogs in the classroom, telling Gabe that they’re worried about their friend. Gabe says that Arnold must be having a “problem in his personal life.”
“Come on, Mr. Kotter,” Epstein says, “Arnold ain’t got no personal life.”
Suddenly, Horshack comes into the classroom and asks Mr. Kotter how one becomes a father. “Well, first you meet a girl….” Gabe starts but Horshack stops him and explains that his fifth stepfather has died, felled by a heart attack while driving his taxi on the Long Island expressway. Horshack is now the man of his family. Everyone hugs Horshack and promises to help him out if they can.
“Awwwwww!” the audience says and it actually is a pretty sweet scene.
Unfortunately, the rest of the episode is not quite as effective. After the scene with the Sweathogs, the viewer is suddenly confronted with a new tenement location, a host of new characters, and some very broad acting as the show goes from being an episode of Welcome Back Kotter to being a poorly disguised pilot for a show that presumably would have focused on Horshack’s eccentric family. We meet Horshack’s mother (played by Ellen Travolta, sister of John). We meet Horshack’s obnoxious sibilings. When meet Goldie (Susan Lawrence), who Horshack has a crush on. And we eventually meet Horshack’s uncle, the wealthy Harry Orshack (James Komack). Uncle Harry gives Horshack a part-time job and agrees to train him to be “a shark” so that Horshack will be able to take care of his family. We also meet Leonard (Robert Stoneman), who is Harry’s other protégé and who takes an immediate dislike to Arnold. One can only imagine how many conflicts they would have had if this pilot had been turned into a show.
The episode suffers from a lot of problems, the least being that a little bit Arnold Horshack goes a long way. As a character, Horshack is funny when he’s a part of an ensemble but he’s a bit too cartoonish to be effective as a lead. On Welcome Back, Kotter, Horshack is an amusing eccentric but, in this episode, he’s surrounded by characters who are equally eccentric and it really does get to be too much. Watching it, one can see why the idea of doing a show about the Horshacks never got out of the pilot stage.
For the record, this is the first episode of Welcome Back Kotter to not feature Gabe telling a joke at the beginning of the show. As it ends, when Horshack returns to school and tells everyone that he’ll be working for his uncle Harry, Gabe offers to tell Horshack about his uncle who once had a job but we don’t actually get to hear the punchline of the joke.
In this episode’s defense, I should mention that it appears that both it and the previous episode actually aired on the same night and, as such, the backdoor pilot was the second half of a one-hour broadcast. So, I imagine that viewers in 1977 didn’t find all of this to be as jarring as a viewer in 2023 would. Still, if I was going to spin-off a Sweathog, I would have gone with Epstein. He seemed like he had a wild life.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
This week, we have the start of a two-part story!
Episode 2.18 “Whatever Happened to Arnold? Part One”
(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on February 3rd, 1977)
At the apartment, Gabe tells Julie about his uncle who was a skin diver. His name was Mike Nelson Kotter. One day, Mike was shocked to see a guy go down 40 feet without equipment. When Mike demanded to know what the guy was doing, the guy replied, “You jerk! I’m drowning!”
At school, Epstein amuses the Sweathogs by doing his Mr. Kotter impersonation.
Gabe walks in on Epstein’s routine but he’s not upset because it actually gives him the perfect excuse to tell the Sweathogs about the school drama festival. He needs some volunteers to appear in one scene from a play, which Gabe will direct.
“Acting is stupid,” Barbarino says, “Pretending to be somebody else.”
Horshack disagrees and shows off his acting skills by falling to his knees and declaring his love for Freddie. Freddie proceeds to do his Harry Belafonte impersonation which leads to Barbarino ripping his t-shirt and shouting, “Stella!” before Gabe then does his Vito Corleone impersonation and compliments Barbarino’s Marlon Brando.
“I was doing John Wayne,” Barbarino replies.
Realizing that Horshack actually is serious about wanting to act, Gabe offers to direct Horshack in a scene from Cyrano de Bergerac. Of course, Horshack’s co-star will be Judy Borden (Helaine Lembeck), who goes to Mr. Woodman to complain about having to work with a Sweathog, though she should be used to it by now as she ends up having to work with them every time that she appears on the show. Woodman tells Judy to do what he does and imagine that she’s a missionary and the Sweathogs are a bunch of cannibals preparing to eat her.
“Throw me into the pot! THROW ME INTO THE POT!” Woodman starts yelling.
Later, when Woodman sees Horshack in costume and carrying a sword, Woodman shouts that Kotter is “arming the Sweathogs!” before adding, “Call out the national guard!” Poor old Woodman.
Unfortunately, Gabe’s attempts to hold rehearsal are interrupted by Barbarino, Freddie, and Epstein, who all show up and proceed to heckle Horshack and Judy. First Judy storms off. That’s to be expected because that’s what Judy always does. But then Horshack gets angry, yells that he’s trying to do something good for all the Sweathogs, and storms off the stage.
The next day, there has still been no sign of Horshack. Freddie, Epstein, and Barbarino tell Gabe that they broke into Horshack’s house but didn’t see any sign of him or his family. With Horshack missing, that means someone is going to have to put on the fake noise and play Cyrano in his place.
“Stella!” Barbarino shouts.
Anyway, the day of the drama festival comes and Barbarino …. well, he’s not a very good Cyrano. He forgets his lines. He talks back to the audience. He and Judy argue in the middle of the scene. He dances while delivering the few lines that he does remember. He ends the scene by falling to his knees and screaming, “Stella!” But it doesn’t matter because he’s a young John Travolta and he’s absolutely adorable with his fake nose. The audiences loves him but Barbarino says that the moment feels hollow because this should have been Arnold’s moment.
“Where could he be?” Freddie asks.
“I don’t know,” Gabe says, “but I think the problem is something more serious than this play. But what?”
And, on that rather ominous note, this episode ends. Fear not, we’ll learn what happened to Horshack in the next episode. For now, let’s just remember that John Travolta did a very convincing Brando and a very amusing Cyrano. The entire cast of this show did a good job (and I especially enjoy John Sylvester White’s weekly descent into insanity) but episodes like this remind us of why John Travolta is the one who went on to become the biggest star.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
This week, Gabe needs surgery!
Episode 2.17 “Chicken a la Kotter”
(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 27th, 1977)
At the apartment, Gabe tells Julie about his Uncle Socrates Kotter. Uncle Socrates had a best friend named Euripides but they drifted apart when Socrates moved to Chicago and opened up his own dry cleaning place. One day, a guy who looked just like Euripides walked into the business.
“Euripedes!” Socrates shouted.
“Yeah,” the guy replied as he handed over his pants, “you menda these?”
Plato was not available for comment.
After the opening credits, we find ourselves back at the apartment. Gabe comes home from the dentist and tells Julie that he has three abscesses. (Good Lord, Gabe!) Gabe says that a root canal will cost thousands. Having the teeth pulled will cost hundreds. Or maybe he can just convince someone to knock out all of his teeth for free.
Julie says that she’s gotten a part-time job stuffing envelopes but that’s probably not going to pay for Gabe’s dental surgery. She suggests that he call one of the personal loan places that advertise on television. Gabe is reluctant because he hates their commercials but, at Julie’s insistence, he calls and asks for $12,000. The guy on the other end of the line asks Gabe what he does for a living.
“I’m a teacher,” Gabe replies.
“What’s he saying?” Julie asks.
“I’ll tell you after he stops laughing.”
Eventually, the guy asks Gabe about his assets. “I’m a fun guy,” Gabe says, “I’ve got a good sense of humor….” The loan guy tells Gabe that, if he takes out a loan with them, he’ll have to pay $110 a month for a year and that he would have to put up his first born son as collateral.
(Today, I should add, I spent $110 on Halloween candy.)
The next day, at school, the Sweathogs are confused as to why Gabe is slurring his speech when he calls roll. After Freddie asks if he’s okay, Gabe explains that he has to get dental surgery but he doesn’t have any way to pay for it. Freddie suggests that Gabe join the Marines. Epstein offers to go into business with him. Barbarino volunteers to be the prize at a raffle. Horshack offers to sell his body to science.
After class ends, Gabe sits at his desk and reads the classifieds. (“Wanted, hearse driver. Must not mind riding alone …. sort of.”) Woodman wanders into the classroom and reminds Gabe that he’s not allowed to “moonlight.” Gabe asks Woodman how he manages to make ends meet.
“My ends never meet, Kotter!” Woodman declares.
Gabe bemoans never being able to have fun on his salary.
“There’s more to life than fun, Kotter,” Woodman says, “There’s hard work, sacrifice, and REVENGE!”
After Woodman leaves, Barbarino, Freddie, Horshack, and Epstein return to the classroom and announce that they’ve pooled together their life savings to help out Mr. Kotter. They then hand him five dollars and 72 cents. “Stay mellow, fellow,” Freddie says.
Several nights later, at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie that he has to go to his second job as a “public relations expert at a restaurant.” Julie accuses Gabe of cheating on her. Uhmm, Julie — remember how you all talked about how Gabe would need to get a second job to pay for his root canal? It wasn’t that long ago….
Part of the reason why Julie is suspicious is because Gabe always takes a suitcase with him to work. What’s in the suitcase? Gabe’s work costume! Yes, I said costume. Gabe’s public relations job involves dressing up like a chicken and going to the grand opening of every new Mr. Chicken restaurant.
Guess who walks into the restaurant?
It’s Barbarino, Freddie, Horshack, and Epstein! Horshack, not recognizing Captain Chicken as his teacher, demands an autograph. However, the other Sweathogs quickly recognize him and, no longer as sympathetic as they were a few days ago, they proceed to make fun of Gabe and his costume. Unfortunately, because Gabe is on the clock, he still has to take their orders. They order the Gluten’s Gorge.
While Gabe relays the order to the kitchen, Woodman comes in and sees that the restaurant is having a contest where, if you guess the number of chicken bones in a container, you’ll win a free meal. Gabe has his back to him but he still clearly hears as Woodman announces, “460, Captain Chicken!” Gabe is forced to turn around and reveal that Woodman is “a few bones short.” Woodman tells Gabe to watch out for roosters and then laughs loudly as he leaves.
Gabe is then forced, by the restaurant manager, to do a dance with a cane and a top hat in order to celebrate the Sweathogs ordering a Gluten’s Gorge. The Sweathogs applaud and congratulate Gabe for being a “good sport.” Gabe explains that he took this demeaning job because he couldn’t get a day job because it would mean abandoning his Sweathogs. The restaurant manager then orders Gabe to get his “delinquents” students out of the place.
“Up your gizzard with a rubber lizard,” Freddie replies.
Rather than betray his students, Gabe quits his job. They all leave to get Chinese food. Yay! I love Chinese food.
Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie a joke about his Aunt Sophie, who always used to sleep with her mouth open and….
Wait a minute …. did Gabe ever get his dental surgery? It seems like that whole part of the story kind of got pushed to the side. This was an incredibly silly episode and it didn’t quite work for me because, as annoying as Julie can be, her whole assumption that Gabe was having an affair never made sense. She knew why he had to get a night job. Still, at least Mr. Woodman got a few good lines and it’s always touching when the Sweathogs reveal that they really do care about their teacher and themselves.
Seriously, though — three abscesses!? Here’s hoping Gabe takes better care of himself in the future!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
This week, Gabe’s father comes to visit!
Episode 2.16 “Kotter and Son”
(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 20th, 1977)
January 20th, 1977. While many Americans was celebrating the inauguration of Jimmy Carter and others were laying the groundwork for the election of 1980, teenagers all across America were tuning into ABC so that they could see what Barbarino was going to do this week.
The first image they saw on that Inauguration Day was Gabe and Julie sitting in the apartment and reading the newspaper.
“Know who this guys looks like?” Gabe asks, pointing to a picture in the paper.
“One of your relatives?” Julie replies, as if she’s already dreading what’s to come.
“My cousin, Sidney Kotter!” Gabe announces.
Cousin Sid was so stupid that he once locked his keys in the car. He called the auto club (the auto club again!) and they said they would be there in an hour. Sid replied, “Well, you can’t come here in an hour because it’s raining outside and my car’s a convertible and I left the top down.”
At school, Gabe teaches about World War II but he’s obviously distracted, not even acknowledging a joke told by Epstein. After the bell rings and the rest of the class leaves, Gabe tells the main four Sweathogs that he’s having problems at home. Everyone assumes that Julie has left him again but Gabe eventually confesses that he’s nervous because his father is coming for a visit from Florida. Barbarino says that Gabe has nothing to be nervous about.
“Vinny,” Gabe says, “Imagine your father is coming 14,000 miles to see his son! Imagine that!”
Barbarino tries to imagine. “Is he coming on a bus or a train?”
Gabe then compares his father the iceberg that hit the Titanic, which leads to the Sweathogs singing a song about an iceberg wearing a sports shirt.
The next morning, at the apartment, Julie struggles to convince Gabe to get out of bed and get ready for his father’s visit. While Gabe and Julie try to figure out why his father would come all the way to New York from Florida, the man himself, Charlie Kotter (Harold Gould), knocks on the front door. Charlie enters the apartment and tells Julie that she’s beautiful and then orders Gabe to “wash your teeth.” Charlie declares that the cab that picked him up at the airport was Gabe’s apartment and says that he’s glad that he’ll be staying with Gabe’s brother, Melvin. “Remember your brother, Melvin?” Charlie asks before then asking if Gabe has found a real job yet.
You may have guessed that Charlie and Gabe have a strained relationship and they do. Charlie thinks that Gabe is wasting his life, teaching remedial classes at his old high school in New York. Gabe thinks that he’s doing a good thing by teaching the Sweathogs. Charlie says that he wants Gabe to come back to Florida with him and join him in selling coconut-themed souvenirs. “Kotter and Son!” Charlie announces. Charlie then says that he’s going to school with Gabe so that he can finally see what Gabe does for a living. Gabe is not happy about this but finds himself powerless to stop his elderly father from following him out of the apartment.
Cut to the school, where Charlie has made friends with Mr. Woodman. As Mr. Woodman looks at the coconut paperweight that Charlie has given him, Charlie says, “I just want to see what my son does for a living.” Woodman asks Charlie to let him know if he ever figures it out.
In class, Gabe tries to teach but is nervous with Charlie constantly interrupting him. Finally, Charlie agrees to remain quiet so that he can observe and Gabe teaches about the Great Depression while pretending to be Walter Winchell doing a radio report. Gabe pretends to be a stockbroker who has lost everything. He pretends to be a bitter worker. He pretends to be Herbert Hoover. Charlie is skeptical of Gabe’s techniques but then Gabe proves that the Sweathogs now know and understand far more about the Great Depression than they did at the start of the class. Even Barbarino had debatably picked up some knowledge!
(“What did the Stock Market crash do to the price of products?” Gabe asks Barbarino. “What products?” Barbarino replies.)
Charlie asks Gabe to step out in the hallway and tells Gabe that he knows Gabe isn’t going to move down to Florida.
Gabe says, “Pop, I’m 30 years old. Just tell me your proud of me!”
“You should hear how much I talk about in Florida,” Charlies replies, “People down there are sick of hearing about you! Now, go teach your Sweathogs.”
Realizing that he’s not going to get anything better than that, Gabe returns to his classroom. As Gabe closes the door, Charlie says, “I’m proud of you, my son.”
Gabe opens the door and says, “I heard you.”
Awwwwwwww!
Back at the apartment, Charlie asks Julie if she ever heard about what happened to his brother, Saul Kotter. Julie is a bit more tolerant of Charlie telling jokes than she is when Gabe does it. Anyway, Saul was hit by a truck while crossing the street. A policeman put his jacket under Saul’s head and asked him if he was comfortable. Saul replied, “I make a good living.” As Charlie finishes his joke, Gabe steps in the apartment and asks, “Julie, have I ever told you about my Uncle Saul?”
This episode definitely worked, mostly because Harold Gould and Gabe Kaplan were totally believable as father and son. There were not a lot of Sweathog shenanigans this episode but the scenes between Gabe and his father were well-acted and ultimately rather sweet.
Next week: Gabe takes a second job to pay for dental work! Julie thinks that he’s having an affair with someone who actually likes his jokes.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
This week, the Sweathogs learn about the free press!
Episode 2.15 “Sweatgate Scandal”
(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 13th, 1977)
Gabe tells Julie about his uncle who was a hunter. Apparently, he went out in the woods, ran into a beautiful woman, and asked her, “Are you game?” She said yes and, as Gabe puts it, “He shot her.”
Yikes!
Meanwhile, at school, Epstein and Horshack are upset that the school newspaper is always “putting down the Sweathogs” and criticizing Freddie as a basketball player. They’re especially upset because Mr. Kotter is the newspaper’s faculty advisor. When Gabe arrives at class, he explains that he’s just the advisor, not the editor. Gabe also says that he’s more interested in the front page story, about someone breaking into Mr. Lazarus’s office and stealing some of his confidential files.
“They’ll probably blame that on us,” Freddie says.
“No one’s going to blame this on you,” Gabe replies.
Of course, Woodman steps into the classroom and immediately demands to know who was responsible for “the Lazarus break-in.” Woodman also demands to know where Gabe was during the break-in. Gabe says that he was attending Woodman’s speech on “Self-defense with a number two pencil.”
Gabe decides that the Sweathogs need to make their voices heard so he offers to give extra credit to any Sweathog who works on the school newspaper. He says that they can investigate the Lazarus break-in.
“Oh, it’ll be just like the All The President’s Men!” Horshack says.
At the school newspaper, Freddie, Horshack, Barbarino, and Epstein find themselves working with two characters who appeared regularly during the first season, Judy Borden (Helaine Lembeck) and Todd Ludlow (Dennis Bowen). Freddie writes the sports page. Horshack reveals his gossip columnist skills by revealing that Judy’s had a nose job. Barbarino and Epstein are investigative reporters and are assigned to investigate the Lazarus Break-In. However, Woodman drops by the newspaper’s office and explains that Lazarus doesn’t want the break-in to be investigated. “Cork it!” Woodman shouts.
After Horshack finds a note in his Twinkie, Epstein and Barbarino head to the Boys’s Bathroom, where they meet up with an informant named Deep Throat. (“But you can call me Deep.”) The informant, who is hiding in a stall, tells them to “Follow the liver.”
“What do I do when I catch it?” Barbarino asks.
Deep Throat goes on to explain that the break-in at Lazarus’s office is connected to another break-in at the school cafeteria.
We cut to the school at night. Barbarino and Epstein have written their story but they need Gabe to look over it and approve it. Gabe arrives at the school in tuxedo, explaining that, once a week, he and Julie play nightclub, in which he puts on a tuxedo and tells jokes while Julie puts on a nightgown and heckles him. Sounds like fun!
The story suggests that the school has been buying liver substitute as opposed to real liver and someone has been pocketing the money that was saved. When Gabe needs a little more proof, Epstein and Barbarino lead him out to the hallway, where Deep Throat awaits in the shadows. Deep Throat confirms the story and then says, “I must go home and gargle.” Could Woodman be Deep Throat?
The latest edition of the newspaper is published, with Barbarino and Epstein’s story on the front page. When Woodman comes in the office and informs them that Lazarus is launching a full-scale investigation but that he’s not happy about the story. Judy informs Woodman that she’s not to blame because she’s an honor’s student.
“I’ve never gotten a B!” Judy says.
“Neither have a I,” Horshack replies.
Woodman reveals that the cafeteria will now be serving real liver and then he lowers his voice and says, “You can call me Deep.”
MR. WOODMAN WAS DEEP THROAT! Well …. yeah, who else would it be? It’s not as if there’s a huge amount of characters on this show.
After Woodman leaves, Gabe asks Barbarino and Epstein if he’s ever told them about his Uncle Max, who once hired an investigative reporter. Barbarino and Epstein groan and Gabe reveals that the investigative reporter discovered that Max’s wife was cheating on him.
This was a cute episode. Barbarino and Epstein always make for a good team and any episode that allows Woodman to go nuts is worth watching. Always follow the liver!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
This week is all about love and punishment!
Episode 2.13 “A Love Story”
(Dir by James Komack & Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on December 30th, 1976)
Gabe tells Julie about his Uncle Pete and Aunt Priscilla and how they won “a lot of money in the sweepstakes.”
In class, Gabe is teaching about the Spanish-American War when Freddie comes in doing the “She Loves Me/She Loves Me Not” routine with a daisy. Freddie is followed by a new student named Carmen (Lisa Mordente), who hands Gabe a note.
“Dear Mr. Kotter,” it reads, “please excuse my daughter’s violent temper. Don’t get her mad and she won’t have to deck you. Signed, Epstein’s Sister’s Mother.”
That’s right, Carmen is Epstein’s sister! When Epstein says, “What’s my baby sister doing in this class!?,” Carmen attacks him and throws him on top of Gabe’s desk.
After Gabe seperates the siblings, he introduces her to the class. Epstein can only watch in horror as Barbarino says, “You really filled out,” and Horshack says, “I want you have your children.”
Fortunately, the bell rings and school ends. Horshack stays after class to tell Kotter that he’s now in love with Carmen Epstein. Gabe encorages him to have confidence and ask out anyone that he wants to ask out.
Meanwhile, Epstein goes to the principal’s office with Carmen so that he can ask his best friend, Principal Lazarus, to transfer Carmen out of the Sweathogs. While Epstein talks to Lazarus, Horshack enters the office and approaches Carmen. When Horshack sees that Carmen is carrying a trumpet, Horshack says that he love the trumpet. Carmen plays a terrible version of Three Blind Mice for him. Horshack asks Carmen to go out with him but Barbarino walks into the office and asks Carmen to come with him. As anyone would, Carmen abandons Horshack for Barbarino. “I might even let you ask me out on Saturday,” Barbarino tells Carmen. Awwwwwww! Barbrino!
Gabe steps into the office and, as Horshack tells Gabe about what happened, Freddie steps into the room and reads a poem that he’s written for his new love. Epstein comes out of Lazarus’s office at the same time that Woodman is coming out of his office. Epstein warns Woodman that Lazarus doesn’t like him. This leads to a vintage Woodman meltdown as he points out that not only is his office smaller than Lazarus’s but his American flag only has 13 stars. “I’m plotting a mutiny,” Woodman says, “You can join, Kotter!” As Woodman plots to take over the school, Freddie mentions that he saw Barbarino heading down to the boardwalk with Carmen. Epstein announces that he’s going to kill Barbarino.
In the very next scene, Epstein has been chained to a locker and Horshack is still talking about how he just wants to devote his life to Carmen. Freddie suggests that maybe Epstein should give Horshack his blessings to date Carmen to keep Carmen away from Barbarino. Epstein agrees because he figures that Horshack won’t “try anything” with his sister. However, as soon as Horshack starts to rehearse what he’s going to say to Carmen, Epstein starts to shout, “STAY AWAY FROM MY SISTER! STAY AWAY FROM MY SISTER!”
The next day, in class, Gabe announces that they’re going to use the last few minutes of class to talk about love. He asks Vinny to explain what love means to him.
“Love,” Barbarino says, “mean never having to hear I’m pregnant.”
Epstein flies into a rage telling Barbarino to stop hitting on Carmen. Barbarino replies, “I’ve got a disease!” No, not that type of disease. It’s a disaease that Barbarino calls “Girlitis” and it requires him to hit on every girl he sees. Horshack then starts yelling at Barbarino, saying that Barbarino that he has no idea what it’s like to be alone. Carmen announces that Horshack has guts and “I like a man with guts!” Carmen then shows that she can take care of herself by beating up her brother.
Horshack literally picks up Carmen in his arms and announces that he wants to show her his shell collection under the boardwalk.
“YOU’RE GOING TO DIE, ARNOLD!” Epstein yells.
Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie that Carmen Epstein has transferred out of his class. Oh, okay. I guess that takes care of that plotline. Gabe tells Julie a joke about the time his sister Eileen lost a tooth and figured out that Gabe was the tooth fairy.
This is another one of those episodes that worked because it largely focused on how the four main Sweathogs related to each other. Robert Hegyes, Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, and John Travolta all had a tremendous amount of chemistry and it’s always fun to watch them play off of each other. Ron Palillo occasionally went bit overboard but, with a character like Horshack, I imagine it was probably impossible not to. That said, Palillo more than held his own in this episode and his awkward flirting with Carmen was actually rather sweet. I still would have gone for Barbarino.
Episode 2.14 “Caruso’s Way”
(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 6th, 1977)
Gabe tells Julie about his uncle who was an inventor and who invented a deodorant called Invisible because, when it was worn, no one would want to acknowledge you. This leads to usual pity laughs from Julie.
At school, Gabe tries to teach about the War of 1812. (“When did it start?” Horshack asks.) Gabe notices that Barbarino is not in class and asks if anyone has seen him. Epstein says that Barbarino was fooling around in gym class and doing his “Ba-Baa-Baaa-Barbarino” dance and Coach Caruso ordered him to stay after class.
When Barbarino finally arrives at Gabe’s class, everyone wants to know what happened but a visibly shaken Barbarino insists that nothing happened and asks Gabe to resume teaching about the War of 1812. (Even Gabe is shocked.) When Epstein says he’d rather here about the “war between Vinny and Caruso,” Gabe announces that it’s Barbarino’s business and they’re not going to discuss what happened between Barbarino and Caruso.
On cue, Woodman enters the classroom and he says that he needs to discuss what happened between Barbarino and Caruso. Woodman says that he’s hearing rumors that Caruso hit Barbarino in front of the Girls Gym Class. “There are rules againt hitting students, even Sweathogs,” Woodman says, “I don’t know why.” Barbarino denies that Caruso hit him and Woodman leaves.
However, after the bell rings, Barbarino tells Gabe, Freddie, Epstein, and Horshack that Caruso did hit him but that he’s got a plan to get revenge but he can’t reveal it. Gabe suggests that Barbarino “cool down about it” before doing anything foolish.
Later, Barbarino drops in on Gabe and Julie at their apartment and you can literally see Julie (or maybe just Marcia Strassman) light up at the idea of sharing a scene with John Travolta as opposed to just with Gabe Kaplan.
Barbarino asks them if they watched the news and if they saw any reports on what happened between him and Caruso. Gabe jokes that they broke into “Bowling for Dentures” to report on it. “Really?” Barbarino asks. Awwwwwwww! Poor Barbarino!
Gabe and Julie try to dissuade Barbarino from hitting Caruso back. Barbarino says that he’s thinking of borrowing his uncle’s cement truck and using it to drive over Caruso. Gabe tells Barbarino a story about what happened when Gabe’s friend Bonzo Moretti was slapped by Caruso. Bonzo went to his parents but Barbarino says that telling his parents would just lead to his mother praying for something bad to happen to Caruso. After suggesting that Julie stock the kitchen with Danish and root beer for anyone who might drop by, Barbarino leaves.
The next day, Gabe talks to Woodman and asks Woodman would he would do if “two of your teachers had a confrontation.”
“Fire you,” Woodman replies.
Coach Caruso (played by veteran tough guy actor, Scott Brady) steps into Gabe’s classroom and, after Woodman leaves, they discuss the Barbarino situation. In a very well-acted scene (seriously, this episode features Gabe Kaplan at his most sincere), Gabe tells Caruso that, when he was a student, it bothered him when he heard about Caruso hitting kids. “Now that I’m a teacher, it bothers me even more.” Gabe explains that Caruso took away Barbarino’s pride and asks Caruso to apologize to him. Caruso refuses, saying that he his own pride to think of. Gabe convinces Caruso to come back to the classroom in the afternoon, so that Barbarino can apologize to him and Caruso can apologize back and they can both retain their pride.
However, when Caruso shows up in class and Barbarino apologizes, Caruso refuses to return the apology. (What a jerk!) Instead, Caruso challenges Barbarino to an arm wrestling contest.
“How macho!” Horshack exclaims.
Barbarino wins the arm wrestling contest! Yay! Caruso warmly congratulates Barbarino and leaves. In the hallways, Caruso confesses to letting Barbarino beat him. “When you went to school here,” Caruso says, “I taught you. Today, you taught me.” Awwwwwwww!
Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie about the time his Uncle Moe went to Miami Beach and jumped into a pool that he had been told was lukewarm, just to discover it was freezing. “How could you say that water was lukewarm!?” Moe demanded of another vacatinor. “I don’t know, look warm to me .”
This was a great episode, featuring the young John Travolta at his sensitive best and also giving Gabe Kaplan a chance to show off that he actually could act. Barbarino regained his pride, Coach Caruso learned how to be a better teacher, and Woodman continued to be Woodman.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
This week, Epstein smokes and the Sweathogs learn the true meaning of Christmas!
Episode 2.11 “Sweathog Clinic for the Cure of Smoking”
(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on December 16th, 1976)
Gabe tells Julie a joke about his uncle, a doctor who used to trick his patients into sticking their tongue out and staring out his office window as a way to anger the people on the other side of the street.
At school, Horshack is stunned to see Epstein lighting up a cigarette in the boys room. (Epstein hides his cigarettes in the paper towel dispenser.) Horshack says that he is shocked and he points out that smoking is against the school rules. (Since when do Sweathogs care about the school rules?) Epstein responds by blowing smoke in Horshack’s face. Then, Gabe and Woodman step into the restroom and Epstein desperately flushes his cigarette but not before everyone sees him exhaling a cloud of smoke.
Woodman takes Epstein to the office of the perpetually unseen Principal Lazarus. Woodman tells Gabe that he can’t wait to see how Epstein gets punished but it turns out that Epstein is the only person at the school who Lazarus likes. Disillusioned at the lack of punishment for Epstein, Woodman announces that he’s moving to Scarsdale and goes into his office. Epstein, meanwhile, promises both Gabe and Barbarino (who just happens to be in the front office for some reason) that he’ll quit smoking.
However, the next day, Gabe again catches Epstein in the boys room, smoking. Epstein confesses that he can’t quit smoking. Gabe tells a story about how, when he was 12, he was addicted to potato knishes. Gabe explains that his knish habit led him to moving onto harder junk food, like Twinkies. In order to break his habit, Gabe says he went cold turkey.
“Cold turkey!?” Epstein says.
“That’s right. For five days, I ate nothing but cold turkey!”
Gabe says that he and the Sweathogs will help Epstein break his smoking habit through aversion therapy.
“Oh yeah,” Barbarino nods, “Perversion therapy. We’ll torture Juan until he quits smoking.”
The next day, Gabe, Epstein, Woodman, and the Sweathogs gather in Gabe’s classroom to make Epstein “unlearn” smoking. After talking about his own struggle to quit smoking, Woodman leaves the classroom. It’s probably for the best because one can imagine how Woodman would have reacted to Juan smoking a cigarette while Barbarino and Freddie walked in place on a red carpet in an attempt to generate enough static electricity to shock Epstein every time that he took a puff.
When shock therapy proves ineffective (for some reason, Gabe is the one who keeps getting shocked), Horshack comes into the classroom, dressed like a doctor. While twirling his stethoscope, Horshack asks Epstein about his sex life because “I thought it would be fun to hear about.” Gabe suggests that Horshack not ask anyone about their sex life until “you get one yourself.” Freddie then says, “Hi, there,” and pretends to be someone who has been smoking for four years and can now only say a few words without coughing. Gabe then forces Epstein to smell a cup full of soggy cigarettes. They then force Epstein to smoke three cigarettes at once.
“Doesn’t taste so good, does it, Mr. Puff!?” Gabe shouts.
Epstein gives up cigarettes but, seven days later, he shows up at school with a pipe. Gabe says that he’s disappointed in Epstein but then Epstein points out that Gabe is eating a knish. Gabe agrees to give up knishes if Epstein gives up smoking. Epstein agrees and he and Gabe dramatically toss all of the tobacco and knishes into the trash. It turns out that Gabe had a knish hidden in every corner of the classroom.
Back at the apartment, a knish-free Gabe tells Julie about his uncle, who was a famous frontiersman.
This episode worked because it centered not on a guest star or a gimmick but instead on the Sweathogs acting like their usual goofy selves. The second season has, so far, been a bit more uneven than the first but the chemistry between Robert Hegyes, Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, Ron Pallilo, and John Travolta continues to be, along with John Sylvester White’s delightfully unhinged turn as Woodman, the show’s greatest strength.
Episode 2.12 “Hark, The Sweatking”
(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on December 23rd, 1976)
Gabe tells Julie about his uncle, who got drunk at the zoo. “They don’t sell liquor at the zoo,” Julie replies.
It’s Christmas in Brooklyn! Horshack is hoping that he’ll finally get a Marie Osmond doll from Santa. The other Sweathogs are more interested in Angie (Michael V. Gazzo, who played Frankie Pentangelli in The Godfather Part II), the homeless man who is hanging out in the school’s courtyard and who claims that he was once a corporate executive. Gabe reveals that Angie has been coming by the school ever since Gabe was a student at Buchanan himself. After Gabe hears the Sweathogs making fun of Angie, he decides to invite Angie to come speak to the class.
“What’s he going to teach us?” Epstein asks, “Advanced vagrancy?”
Before Angie can start his speech, Woodman steps in the room and refers to Angie as being “our Christmas hobo.” Gabe says that Woodman probably goes around from house-to-house on Christmas Eve and tells all the kids that there’s no Santa Claus.
“Someone has to do it,” Woodman says and, as always, John Sylvester White totally nails the line. One of the underrated joys of this show is watching Woodman go progressively more and more insane.
Angie finally tells his story, explaining that he was a butcher with a wife and a family but he gambled away all of his money. One night, coming home broke, Angie discovered that his wife and his kids had left. Wiping away the tears, Angie leaves the classroom.
Feeling guilty, the Sweathogs want to do something for Angie. Freddie suggests putting Angie on their “shop-lifting lists.” Horshack makes a slightly more legal suggestion, saying that they should pool the money that they were going to use to buy each other gifts and instead, do something for Angie.
What do they do for Angie? Barbarino gets him some fresh clothes. Freddie gives him a haircut while Epstein shaves his beard and mustache. And Gabe invites Angie to come to the Christmas party that Julie and he are throwing at the apartment.
The action cuts to the apartment, where Julie is complaining about having to spend Christmas Eve with Gabe’s students. Julie then gives Gabe the Hanukkah bush that she bought for the holidays while Gabe explains that he has nothing for Julie because he spent all of his money on Angie. Epstein, Freddie, Horshack, and Barbarino show up, complaining that they haven’t seen Angie since helping him out. On cue, Angie shows up at the apartment, once again dressed like he was when the Sweathogs first saw him in the courtyard. Angie thanks the Sweathogs for everything but says that, for now, he’s comfortable living on the streets. Angie leaves and the Sweathogs are angry that they spent all of their money on someone who doesn’t appreciate it. Gabe tells them that the important thing is that they tried to help another human being. And then he reveals that he has presents for all of the Sweathogs. Yay! Merry Christmas!
After everyone leaves and Julie has fallen asleep on the couch, Gabe spots Santa Claus sitting in the kitchen and tells him about his cousin Eileen, who was so skinny that she had to wear snow shoes in the shower.
“Ho ho ho!” Santa replies.
This was a sweet episode, featuring good performances from not just the regulars but also from Michael V. Gazzo. Gabe telling a joke to Santa was adorable and the perfect way to end the episode. I love Christmas shows!
Through the Shattered Lens 