Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network! It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.
It’s time for more bicycle action.
Episode 2.17 “Runaway”
(Dir by Charles Siebert, originally aired on January 19th, 1997)
A teenage girl (Boti Bliss) is missing on the boardwalk. Maggie Garrity (Justina Vail), who runs the local shelter, is looking for her. When she asks the bike patrol for help, TC is dismissive up until he looks up from his paperwork and sees Maggie. I’ve noticed that this is a patten with the bike patrol. It’s rare that they do anything until they see it will involve hanging out with an attractive members of the opposite sex.
TC recruits Chris to help him put up flyers. Chris rolls her eyes because, seriously, why should a member of law enforcement be concerned with a teenage girl who has been abducted by a pimp (Gene Lythgow) and his psycho girlfriend (Ami Dolenz)? Personally, I would dread working for Chris because she never stops complaining. It says a lot about this show that the we’re nearly done with the second season and Chris still doesn’t have a personality beyond being whiny.
TC falls for Maggie but Maggie’s a nun! After they manage to rescue the missing girl, TC asks Maggie if maybe she could stop being a nun for a new nights so that they could go out on a date. Maggie says that it doesn’t work like that. What I find interesting is that TC has no problem casually asking Maggie to give up her vows just because he wants to date her. Hey, TC — this is why you’re single!
Meanwhile, Palermo has new expensive bicycle. What a dork. When the bike gets stolen, Victor has to find it. Palermo sure is mad about his missing bike. What a loser.
Moving out of her boyfriend’s home because he doesn’t support her desire to become an artist, Paige (Ami Dolenz) rents a large studio apartment in Los Angeles. When she finds a Ouija Board in the closet, she plays around with it and is contacted by a spirit named Susan. Susan claims that she used to live in Paige’s apartment and someone in the building murdered her.
The good news is that talking to Susan inspires Paige to start painting and investigating Susan’s death not only brings Paige closer to her cop boyfriend (Timothy Gibbs) but it also allows her to make friends with her landlady Elaine (Laraine Newman!) and a photographer named Russel (John Gatins). The bad news is that Susan is a vengeful spirit and soon people start dying. One man is taken out in a boiler room explosion. Another is taken out by an axe. Trying to drive isn’t easy when Susan decides she wants to be your co-pilot. If Paige solves Susan’s murder, will that bring peace to Susan or is Susan too obsessed with killing to stop even if her killer is brought to justice?
Witchboard 2 isn’t bad. Both director Kevin Tenney and the Ouija board return from the first film and Ami Dolenz does a good job in the role of the naïve young woman who gets possessed by spirits beyond the grave. The daughter of Monkees drummer Mickey Dolenz, Ami Dolenz appeared in several direct-to-video horror films and thrillers in the late 80s and early 90s and she had a refreshing naturalness about her as an actress. She could be both sexy and innocent without ever seeming like she was trying too hard to convince you that she was either. (Everyone who watched a lot of late night Cinemax in the 90s developed a crush on Ami Dolenz at some point and anyone who says otherwise is lying.) Kevin Tenney surrounds Dolenz with an engaging cast of eccentrics, the most memorable one being Larraine Newman of Saturday Night Live fame, who provides the same sort of spacey comic relief that Kathleen Wilhoite provided in the first film.
Though Witchboard 2 is modest in its goals and its execution, it’s still a good chiller for an October night.
The 1989 film, She’s Out of Control, tells the story of Doug Simpson (Tony Danza, showing why he never became a movie star), a radio manager and the single father of two daughters. When Doug goes out of town, his girlfriend, Janet (Catherine Hicks), gives 16 year-old Katie Simpson (Ami Dolenz) a make-over. When Doug leaves, Katie is awkward and wears braces and thick glasses. When he returns, she’s lost the braces, she’s switched to contacts, and every boy in the neighborhood wants a date with her. Doug freaks out.
And listen, I get it. I know that the point of the film is that parents are protective and I know that when I first started to develop and get noticed by boys, certain members of my family freaked out as well. (Of course, I was a little bit younger than Katie, who is portrayed as being the most absurdly sheltered 16 year-old of all time.) And I also understand that this film is not only a comedy but also an 80s comedy and, on top of that, an 80s comedy starring Tony Danza. So, I’m willing to accept that Doug’s reaction had to be exaggerated a bit for the joke, as it is, to qualify as being a joke.
But seriously, Doug freaks out so much that it’s just really creepy, not to mention a little bit insulting to teenage girls in general. Katie loses her glasses and her braces and suddenly, Doug is incapable of seeing her as being anything other than some sort of hypersexualized vixen. Doug goes from being protective to being rather obsessive and, since the film is told from his point of view, that means that, whenever the camera ogles Katie, it comes across as if Doug is ogling his own daughter and …. I mean, yeah, it’s pretty icky. The film’s title may be She’s Out Of Control but that’s never an accurate description of anything that Katie does over the course of the film. Instead, the only person who is truly out of control is Doug but he’s out of control to such an extent that it’s hard to watch him without hearing the voice of Dr. Phil in background, saying, “I’m a mandated reporter so I’m going to be makin’ a call as soon as the show is over….”
Speaking of everyone’s favorite unlicensed TV doctor, Doug starts to see a psychologist who is an even bigger jackass than Dr. Phil and that’s probably a good thing. Not only does Doug clearly need some mental help but it also allows the film to introduce Wallace Shawn as Dr. Fishbinder, the pompous author of a book that deals with how to raise an unruly teenager. Shawn is one of the film’s few good points. He plays Fishbinder as being such a self-important little weasel that he’s always entertaining to watch. Fishbinder encourages Doug to be strict and warns him that, if he isn’t, Katie will be pregnant in no time. Definitely, don’t let her to go to prom. “That’s where 87% of teenage girls lose their virginity!” Fishbinder exclaims, news to which Tony Danza responds by mugging for the camera like an extra in a Roger Corman monster film.
Katie has many suitors over the course of the film, some of whom are more memorable than others. Dana Ashbrook (who played drug dealer-turned-deputy Bobby Briggs on Twin Peaks) is the rebel with a heart of gold. A very young Matthew Perry is the spoiled rich kid who is only interested in one thing. An even younger Dustin Diamond (you might know him better as Screech Powers on Saved By The Bell) pops up as a kid who gawks at Katie on the beach. And while Doug comes across as being a jerk for most of the film, one can understand why anyone would be upset at the thought of Dustin Diamond coming any parent would be upset by the thought of Dustin Diamond coming anywhere near their daughter.
In the end, the main problem with the movie is that it asks you to sympathize with Doug Simpson but he’s so obviously overreacting to every little thing that you quickly grow tired of him and his worries. Of course, it doesn’t help that he’s played by Tony Danza, whose eyes often seem as if they’re on the verge of popping out of his head. Danza wanders through the movie with a perpetually shocked expression on his face and it gets old after a while. By the time he’s forcing his daughter’s friends to listen to songs from his old vinyl collection, most viewers will be done with him. It doesn’t help that Doug is described as being some sort of former hippie protester type. It’s hard to think of any other boomer actor who would be less convincing as a former hippie than Tony Danza.
She’s Out Of Control is a forgettable and, quit frankly, rather annoying little film. However, it has achieved a certain bit of fame because it was one of the film’s that Roger Ebert consistently cited as being one of the worst that he had ever reviewed. You have to keep in mind that Ebert was a film reviewer for over 40 years and during that time, he reviewed a lot of movies that he disliked. He even published at least three books devoted to negative reviews that he had written. Considering the amount of bad films that Ebert watched, the fact that he specifically cited She’s Out Of Control as one of the absolute worst films that he had ever sat through …. well, it was enough to encourage me to actually watch the film when I came across it on Starz. And, in this case, Ebert was right. It was pretty bad.
She’s Out Of Control is a dumb movie about dumb people doing dumb things. The key word is dumb.
Terrorists have taken over the local power and water plant and are threatening to poison the water supply if their demands are not meant. Among those that they are holding hostage is a group of college students who were on what would have otherwise been the most boring field trip of their lives. While Colonel Gentry (Robert Forster) tries to negotiate with the terrorists, one college student, Lenny Slater (Corey Haim), takes matters into his own deadly hands. Lenny also finds time to ask track star Jenny (Ami Dolenz) to go to the homecoming dance with him.
How many times can the exact same thing happen to the same person? That’s what you might expect Lenny Slater to ask as he finds himself sneaking around and taking out terrorists one-by-one. Demolition University is a sequel to Demolition High, with Lenny Slater now in college and a member of the school’s football team. What’s strange is that, even though Haim is playing the same character from the first film, no one mentions the events of Demolition High. No one mentions that Lenny not only blew up his old school but he saved the entire midwest from being bombed into a nuclear ash heap. When Lenny tries to tell Prof. Harris (Laraine Newman!) that it’s obvious that terrorists have taken over the power plant, she ignores him because he has a history of playing pranks. But he also has a history of tracking down and killing terrorists! I would listen to him.
Demolition High wasn’t good but it was watchable. Demolition University is just dull. Haim actually gives a better performance here than he did in the first film, if just because it’s easier to buy him as a college student instead of as a high school student. But he’s actually barely in the film. Most of the running time is taken up with Robert Forster trying to negotiate with the leader of the terrorists. That’s kind of cool because Robert Forster was the man but the movie still seems like what Die Hard would have been if it had just been two hours of Paul Gleason standing outside the tower while Bruce Willis killed people offscreen. Even when we do get Lenny fighting the the terrorists, the action scenes feel flat and interchangeable. There’s nothing to really distinguish them from every other 90s action film that you’ve ever seen.
Demolition University has higher production values than Demolition High and it actually looks like a real movie but it’s just not much fun. I’m not surprised that there was never a Demolition Grad School.
Don’t go in the wood alone, kids! There are giant ticks out there that can attach themselves to you, lay their eggs under your skin, and then cause your face to explode when the eggs hatch! It’s all because of the steroids that local farmer Jarvis Tanner (Clint Howard) has been using to enhance his marijuana crop. The end result may be good weed but you will be dead from a tick bite before you get to enjoy it. That’s bad news for Jarvis, who keeps stepping in bear traps and who, at one point, has a dozen tick eggs drop on him. It’s even worse news for the group of juvenile delinquents who have been sentenced to spend a weekend camping in the woods.
Mostly because the film featured the beautiful Ami Dolenz as one of the delinquents, Ticks used to be a mainstay on late night HBO. It combines the basic features of a 50s monster movie with the gore-filled style of a 90s splatter film. What Ticks may have lacked in originality, it made up for in scenes of people’s faces exploding. Make no mistake about it. This one is for splatter fans.
Ticks has an interesting cast. If you have ever wanted to see Alfonso “Carlton” Ribiero play a gangbanger, this is the movie for you. The nerdiest juvenile delinquent is played by Seth Green while TV regular Peter Scolari plays an idealistic social worker and Rance Howard (father of Ron and Clint) plays the local sheriff who loses his legs. And finally, there’s Clint Howard, giving it his all in yet another straight-to-video horror film. Clint suffers even more indignities than usual in Ticks but he never gives up hope. Clint’s scenes were directed by the film’s executive producer, Brian Yuzna, and added after the first cut of the film was judged to be missing something. That was a good decision on Yuzna’s part because Clint Howard is easily the best part of the film.
Today, the appeal of Ticks is mostly one of nostalgia. This is the type of mind-warping stuff that we used to watch when we were growing up. This is what we used to rent at Blockbuster while our parents were looking for the latest Oscar nominees. This is what late night cable used to be all about.
Shattered: If Your Kid’s On Drugs is a typical anti-drug video from the 1980s. The story is familiar after school special material. Kim (Megan Follows) and Rick (Rick Segall) are upper middle class kids who live in the suburbs. Rick is a track star. Kim is at the top of her class. That all changes when they start hanging out with the local drug dealer (Dermot Mulroney), who gets Rick hooked on marijuana and Kim hooked on cocaine. Kim gets an F on her report card. Rick can no longer jump the hurdles. Eventually, their parents stop drinking and taking valium long enough to force them into rehab. The message is that tough love is the only solution.
The only thing that makes Shattered: If Your Kid’s On Drugs noteworthy is the strange and unexpected presence of Burt Reynolds and Judd Nelson, playing themselves and commenting on the action. The first scene in the video is Burt and Judd driving their pickup truck through the suburbs, talking about how nice it is. “Lot of nice restaurants,” Burt says. “Are you going to buy me lunch?” Judd asks. “Lot of nice restaurants,” Burt replies. “This town is the American Dream,” Judd says. “Or the American nightmare,” Burt adds. When Kim and Rick are getting high in Dermot Mulroney’s chartreuse microbus, Burt and Judd sit on a picket fence and shoot the crap. Burt can’t understand why teens would use drugs and Judd reminds him that it has been a while since he was a teenager. Rumor has it that both Burt and Judd appeared in this video to fulfill court-ordered community service.
Everything works out in the end. If you have any doubt, just look at Burt giving us a thumbs up before the final credits roll.
For some reason, the 1987 comedy Can’t Buy Me Love is really beloved by clickbait headline writers. I’ve lost track of the number of times that I’ve seen headlines like “Why We Still Love Can’t Buy My Love” or “See What The Cast Of Can’t Buy Me Love Looks Like Today!”
Why is it that the worst movies always seem to have the most rabid fan bases? Actually, to be fair, Can’t Buy Me Love is not one of the worst movies of all time. I watched it on Netflix a few nights ago and it wasn’t terrible. But, at the same time, it was hardly the classic that so many articles have made it out to be. Maybe the people writing about Can’t Buy Me Love are viewing it through the lens of nostalgia. Who knows? Maybe my future children will think I’m a weirdo for loving Easy A.
(They better not! Easy A is the best!)
Anyway, Can’t Buy Me Love takes place in the same upper class suburb in which all teen films from the 80s take place. Nerdy Ronald Miller (Patrick Dempsey) has spent the summer mowing lawns and he’s raised enough money that he can finally afford to buy a super telescope. However, as Ronald is walking through the mall, he sees the girl that he’s been crushing on, Cindy Mancini (Amanda Peterson). Disobeying her mother, Cindy borrowed a suede outfit without asking. She wore it to a party, the outfit got ruined, and now Cindy desperately needs a replacement. The leads to Ronald getting an idea. Who needs a telescope when he can use his money to pay Cindy to be his girlfriend for a month? Cindy can buy a new outfit and Ronald can date the most popular girl in school and become popular himself!
School begins and Ronald’s plan seems to work. With Cindy’s help, Ronald goes from being a nottie to being a hottie! (Yes, that’s a reference to the infamous Paris Hilton film from 2008, The Hottie and the Nottie.) Of course, it’s a very 80s transformation. Ronald learns about the importance of sungalsses, vests, and going sleeveless. Along the way, Cindy falls in love with Ronald and comes to realize that her friends are all a bunch of followers. When Ronald starts to do a spastic dance, Cindy can only watch in shock as all of her friends starts to the same dance, convinced that it has to be cool if Ronald is doing it!
Meanwhile, Ronald changes. Being popular goes to his head. He rejects his old friends. He becomes a jerk. It’s only when he discovers that his oldest friend, Kenneth (Courtney Gains, who appears in hundreds of these films), is being targeted by the popular kids that Ronald is forced to confront the type of person he has become and hopefully realize that you can’t buy love…
It’s always weird to see Patrick Dempsey in these old high school movies. Some of that is because he was so scrawny that it’s hard to believe that he’s the same actor who made McDreamy into a household word. Add to that, Patrick Dempsey is a good actor now. Judging from this film, he wasn’t necessarily a good actor in the 80s. At times, Dempsey seems to be trying so hard that it’s actually uncomfortable to watch. Amanda Peterson, who tragically passed away last year, is a lot more natural as Cindy.
Anyway, Can’t Buy Me Love was apparently a huge hit back when it was released and it appears that a lot of people have good memories of watching it. I thought it was kind of bland and poorly acted. I’ll stick with Easy A.
Through the Shattered Lens 