Things is a low-budget, independently-made horror film from 1989.

Things tells the story of Don (Barry J. Gillis) and Fred (Bruce Roach), two gentlemen with mullets who decide to drop by the house of Don’s brother, Doug (Doug Bunston).  When they arrives at the house, they’re surprised to find that Doug is nowhere to be seen.

“Doug, are you here?” Don asks, “Doug, are you alive?”

Don and Fred decide to raid the refrigerator in search of beer.  Inside the refrigerator, they find a book by Aleister Crowley and a tape recorder.  They decide to listen to the tape, which was a huge mistake because, when you’re starring in a crappy horror film, the last thing you want to do is remind the viewer of a different, better horror film.  As they played the tape, I thought to myself, “Don’t mention Evil Dead, don’t mention Evil Dead….”

“Hey,” Don said, “this is like that movie where those weird things happened….”

Anyway, Doug finally makes an appearance and orders them to stop making so much noise.  His wife is trying to sleep.  She’s been exhausted because she and Doug have been working with the mad Doctor Lucas (Jan W. Pachul) in an attempt to conceive a child.  Unfortunately, Lucas’s experiments have led to Susan giving birth to several insect-like monsters, which promptly attempt to eat Doug, Don, and Fred.

Things is such a Canadian film that I actually had to pause the movie after about ten minutes so that I could put on one of Jeff’s hockey jerseys and watch the film in proper style.  Don and Fred are just two regular guys who want to show off their guts and drink some beer.  Indeed, it’s debatable whether or not Don and Fred are as upset about the killer monsters as they are about the fact that Doug doesn’t have much beer left in the refrigerator.  For his part, Don sports both a formidable mullet and truck driver mustache.  He looks like he can’t wait to head back to Toronto as soon as the problem with all of the killer monsters are taken care of.

Things has a reputation for being one of the worst horror films ever made and …. well, it’s certainly not a good film.  The film takes a few stabs at Robocop-style social commentary by casting porn star Amber Lynn as a news reader who appears at random moments and announces that there’s been a power failure in New York and that George Romero is heading to the Supreme Court in his attempt to establish his ownership of Night of the Living Dead.  We’re also promised a story about the presidency of George H.W. Bush and the growing possibility of nuclear war.  Unfortunately, these scenes don’t add much to the film but they do provide a diversion from listening to Don and Fred attempt to have an articulate conversation.  Even if one can accept the bad acting (and sometimes, when it comes to indie horror films, you have to be ready to accept a few awkwardly delivered lines), the film itself is so poorly lit that it’s often difficult to tell what’s actually happening on screen.  Perhaps Things’s biggest problem is that, unless you really enjoy listening to two grown men argue about whether or not there’s any beer left, Things is just a boring movie.  It’s developed a cult reputation, largely due to being riffed on by the Rifftraxx crew, but I would be shocked to find anyone who has actually watched the film more than once.  Things is not The Room.  It’s not even Birdemic.

That said, the film did end with the suggestion that the whole thing might have just been a dream and I appreciated that.  It was a solution that made about as much sense as anything else in the film.