Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Crockett and Tubbs fail to observe movie line etiquette.

Episode 1.13 “Milk Run”

(Dir by John Nicolella, originally aired on January 4th, 1985)

At Miami International Airport, Tubbs is sweating buckets (one thing I do appreciate about Miami Vice is that it captures that Yankees never seem to get used to Southern humidity) while Crockett watches and smiles at a woman in a miniskirt.  Not surprisingly, ZZ Tops’s Legs is playing on the soundtrack.  Having good legs is definitely a plus in life.  They’ve certainly helped me out.

Anyway, Crockett and Tubbs notice that two teenagers have just paid for a ticket to Colombia in cash.  Crockett and Tubbs confront them in the airport cafeteria, causing both Louis Martinez (Evan Handler) and his friend, Eddie Rivers (Al Shannon), to make a run for it.  They manage to outrun both Crockett and Tubbs.  Louis and Eddie may not be as streetwise or experienced as the two cops but they’re definitely a lot younger and a lot quicker.

Louis is enthusiastic about Eddie flying down to Colombia and smuggling cocaine-filled statues into the United States.  Eddie is more nervous about it and keeps saying that he wishes he could just go home and pretend like they never agreed to help this week’s villains, the Moya cousins.

Not surprisingly, at least to anyone who has watched this show, Crockett and Tubbs just happen to be investigating a drug warehouse that belongs to the Moyas.  After the warehouse blows up, they discover a locker full of the statues and they also find out that the Moyas are into Santeria.  This leads to a scene where they attempt to interrogate one of their informants (played by Rainbow Harvest), a Santeria high priestess who works at a “punk rock movie theater.”  (Don’t ask me, I didn’t write the episode.)  While Crockett keeps bothering her at work, Tubbs has a tense conversation with her boyfriend, who is played by a youngish Eric Bogosian!

The two stories eventually link back up.  Eddie flies to Colombia but he and Louis are arrested by Crockett and Tubbs as soon as he returns to America.  While Louis continues to play tough, Eddie talks about how he wishes that he could just go back home and not get involved in any of this.  Crockett promises Eddie that he’ll make sure he gets home safely.  Can you guess who ends up getting gunned down the cartel at the end of the episode?

Milk Run was an episode about which I had mixed feelings.  At first, it was hard for me to have much sympathy for either Louis or Eddie.  But, at the same time, I also had a hard time having much sympathy for Crockett and Tubbs.  Whether they were holding up a line to interrogate a ticket agent at the airport or holding up the line to interrogate the Santeria priestess at the movie theater, they ended up holding up a lot of lines and that’s a pet peeve of mine.  But, by the end of this episode, I felt sorry for Eddie and the dark conclusion drove home the episode’s point.  There’s no way to escape your decisions.  Of course, by this point, we pretty much know what’s going to happen whenever Crockett promises to keep someone safe but that didn’t make the ending any less effective.

This was an okay episode.  The ending was powerful and it featured a strong supporting turn from John Kapelos in the role of a sleazy attorney.  In the end, the message was clear.  Don’t get involved with a shady business unless you’re totally prepared to deal with the consequences.