There’s one rule in life that should never be forgotten.
Any movie that opens with Susan Lucci casting a hex that causes a man’s head to explode is going to be worth watching.
That’s certainly the case with Invitation to Hell, a 1984 made-for-TV movie that was directed by Wes Craven and which casts Lucci as Jessica Jones, an insurance agent who lives and works in an upper class suburb in Southern California. Jessica not only sells insurance but she also runs the ultra-exclusive Steaming Springs Country Club! Anyone who is anyone in town is a member of Steaming Springs! That include Matt Winslow (Robert Urich) and his family. Matt soon comes to suspect that something strange might be happening at the club. Fortunately, Matt’s spacesuit comes with a flame thrower, a laser, and a built-in computer that can determine whether or not someone is actually a human being. (Wearing the space helmet means viewing the world like you’re the Terminator.) Soon, it’s science vs. magic as Matt dons the suit and tries to rescue his family from country club living!
Totally ludicrous and a lot of fun, this is a film that has a little bit for everyone — familiar television actors, flamethrowers, space suits, demonic possession, exploding cars, and even a little bit of social satire as the film suggests that living in the suburbs is a terror even without weird country clubs and chic spell casters.
Last night, around 3 in the morning, I watched the Lifetime film, Match, Meet, Murder!
Why Was I Watching It?
It was late, I had insomnia, and the title just spoke to me. What can I say? I had many reasons for my decision and I don’t regret it for a minute.
What Was It About?
Ruby (Stephanie Sy) is a lingerie designer who has been in a dating slump ever since ending her long-term relationship with independent journalist Luke (Erik Athavale). Ruby’s friend, photographer Ella (Amanda Austin), gives her a secret code for the very exclusive Rima dating app. Soon, Ruby is matched with Dylan (Jacob Blair).
Dylan, it turns out, is a bit of celebrity. He was the winning contestant on a reality show hosted by notorious matchmaker, Jules (Lisa Marie DiGiacinto). The season may have ended with Dylan getting engaged but his new fiancée mysteriously vanished. Now, Dylan is dating Ruby and he doesn’t seem to be quite stable. He still has his ex’s clothes hanging in his bedroom closet. Run, Ruby, run!
What Worked?
I absolutely loved the demented performance of Lisa Marie DiGiacinto, who played Jules the matchmaker. I can’t say too much about it without spoiling the film but I will say that DiGiacinto fully understood the importance of embracing the melodrama in a film like this.
Some of Ruby’s lingerie designs were cute. The black bralette was adorable. Of course, I’d never be able to wear it because I actually have boobs.
What Did Not Work?
I’m usually willing to suspend my disbelief when it comes to a Lifetime film because the melodrama is usually the point. That said, I had a hard time believing that any successful woman could be as clueless as Ruby. She acted as if the concepts of both dating apps and reality TV were entirely new to her. I could excuse her dating app confusion because her character was said to be coming out of a long term relationship. But, seriously — not knowing about a reality television show? The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are inescapable, whether you watch them or not. I haven’t been able to really sit down and watch Love Island but it only takes a few minutes of me scrolling twitter before I feel as if I have.
As well, it took Ruby way too long to figure out that there might be something strange about Dylan’s previous girlfriend disappearing. Discovering her clothes still hanging in his closet? That’s a bit too obvious of a red flag to be shrugged off for as long as she did.
“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments
Lingerie designer is definitely one of my fallback options if the whole movie-watching writer thing doesn’t work out. I will also say that I related to the shock of the assistant who introduced Ruby to reality television and was shocked to discover just how little Ruby apparently knew about pop culture.
Lessons Learned
If a guy you barely know has all of his ex’s clothes still hanging in his closet, run! To be honest, you shouldn’t need a movie to learn that lesson.
“There are horrors beyond life’s edge that we do not suspect, and once in a while man’s evil prying calls them just within our range.” The Thing on the Doorstep (H.P. Lovecraft)
Hi, everyone! Tonight, on twitter, I will be hosting one of my favorite films for #MondayMania! Join us for Psycho Party Planner!
You can find the movie on Prime and then you can join us on twitter at 9 pm central time! (That’s 10 pm for you folks on the East Coast.) See you then!
As some of our regular readers undoubtedly know, I am involved in hosting a few weekly live tweets on twitter and occasionally Mastodon. I host #FridayNightFlix every Friday, I co-host #ScarySocial on Saturday, and I am one of the five hosts of Mastodon’s #MondayActionMovie! Every week, we get together. We watch a movie. We snark our way through it.
Tonight, for #MondayActionMovie, the film will be 1984’s Children of the Corn!
If you want to join this watch party, just hop onto Mastodon, pull up Children of the Corn on YouTube or Tubi, start the movie at 8 pm et, and use the #MondayActionMovie hashtag!
Eric Roberts is in the 2013 film, Revelation Road: The Beginning of the End.
Of course, he’s only in it for a few minutes. In fact, if you blink, you will miss him. He plays Sheriff Jenson, who is in charge of enforcing the law in a small desert community. He appears long enough to tell salesman John McManus (David A.R. White) not to leave town. McManus has just killed three armed men who were attempting to rob a general store. The store’s owner (Ray Wise) invites him to dinner but the cops are curious as to how a salesman could be so proficient at killing people.
RevelationRoad plays out over the course of one long night. A group of bikers, led by the fearsome Hawg (Brian Bosworth), are seeking revenge for the death of their compatriots. Meanwhile, Iran is pushing the world towards war. In a motel, a woman asks John for money. Lighting flashes. Lights flicker on and off. The Earth shakes. It’s a fearful time, largely because the world itself is coming to an end. A little over an hour into this 88 minute film, there’s a sudden blinding light and suddenly, a fourth of the cast vanishes. One person who does not vanish runs into a kindly stranger, played by Bruce Marchiano. Marchiano will be well-known to viewers of faith-based cinema for the number of times that he’s played Jesus. So, you can probably guess what’s happened.
RevelationRoad ends with the promise of a sequel, which means that the film also ends with a lot of unanswered questions. It makes RevelationRoad difficult to really review because it’s obviously meant to be a prologue to the actual story. I will note that RevelationRoad is a surprisingly violent movie, at least by the standards of most faith-based films. Then again, most of the violence was in self-defense and the Bible itself is full of stories of violent men who found redemption. In fact, you could probably argue that it’s impossible to do an apocalypse movie that isn’t violent. We’ll just have to wait to see where this story is heading.
I’ll review the sequel tomorrow.
Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed:
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi: The Next Generation, which aired from 2001 to 2015! The series can be streamed on YouTube and Tubi.
This week, we get glimpse of the future.
Episode 1.11 “Friday Night”
(Dir by Paul Fox, originally aired on June 3rd, 2002)
It’s a wild Friday night in Toronto!
Emma and Sean go on their first date. It goes like this: Sean asks out Emma. Emma says yes but isn’t sure whether or not Sean is asking her on a date or just asking her to hang out. Sean is inarticulate because he’s a guy. Emma gets mad. In gym class, a game of dodgeball turns into a game of Emma throwing the ball exclusively at Sean. Sean thinks that Emma hates him. Emma says she doesn’t hate him. Finally, Sean shows up at Emma’s house. Before they leave on their date, Spike takes a picture.
They step outside of the house and a bird immediately defecates on Emma’s outfit. Emma changes. They decide to get something to eat before going to a movie. Emma says that she ordered Sean a vegetarian burger. Sean is cool with that because he doesn’t eat meat ever since he spent time on a ranch and saw how the animals are treated. Emma is like, “Awwww!” But then Emma realizes she can’t find her wallet and she fears that it’s accidentally been thrown away. Sean spends the night searching through the dumpster behind the restaurant, until Emma realizes that she had her wallet with her all the time. Whoops! Emma runs off in tears.
How sad! Of course, those of us who have watched this show know that one bad date isn’t going to keep Emma and Sean from having one of the most epic (if ultimately pointless) relationships in Degrassi history, one that will survive Sean going to jail but which won’t survive him joining the Army. Of course, we also know that Emma is somehow going to end up married to Spinner despite saying barely ten words to him over the course of 8 seasons.
Speaking of Spinner, he and Jimmy spend Friday night tormenting Ms. Kwan. Spinner has a grudge against Ms. Kwan because Ms. Kwan broke his “discman” while trying take it away from him when she discovered him listening to it in her class.
“My discman!” Spinner exclaimed.
“No, your fault!” Kwan snapped.
Spinner got detention. Later, Jimmy also got detention for making fun of Shakespeare. (Kwan also got annoyed with Jimmy for making out with Ashley in the hallway. “You two may think you’re cute….” Uhmm, it’s the hallway. Calm down, Ms. Kwan.) When Spinner and Jimmy learned that Ms. Kwan would be at the school late, teaching an ESL class, they broke into the principal’s office, broadcast the sound of Spinner chewing gum into her classroom, and then ordered several pizzas for her class. Spinner then threw an entire carton of eggs at Kwan’s car. Kwan came outside, saw her car, and broke down into tears while Spinner and Jimmy watched from afar. Spinner was amused. Jimmy felt guilty.
The next day, Mr. Raditch announces that Ms. Kwan has taken a leave of absence because her husband’s been sick. The upcoming class field trip is canceled. And Mr. Raditch will now be teaching Kwan’s class. Spinner, you idiot!
That said, I blame Jimmy more. Everyone knows that Spinner’s impulsive and out-of-control. Jimmy’s supposed to be the voice of reason.
This episode is one of the better season one episodes, if just because it featured Emma being repeatedly humiliated (that may seem cruel but if you know some of the things that Emma’s going to do in the future, it is kind of satisfying to see) and it also features an early appearance of a recurring Degrassi theme: Spinner accidentally destroying someone’s life. This episode represents the future of Degrassi.
Halloween approaches! I’ll be posting another list of movies in a few days but here’s ten horror movie recommendations for between now and Wednesday!
Vampire Circus (1972) is a gloriously macabre film that I recommend to everyone. This British film takes place in a Serbian village that a vampire curses with his dying breath. Twenty years later, the village is ravaged by the plague and blockaded by other towns. With the inhabitants basically prisoners in their own home, they are easily tempted by the arrival of a circus. The circus, of course, is not what it seems. This is a stylish film, full of quirky characters, disturbing imagery, and a lot of blood. It’s perfect for Halloween. You can view it on Prime.
Speaking of vampires, Count Yorga, Vampire (1970) features Robert Quarry as a vampire in 1970s California. Apparently, the film was originally envisioned as being a soft-core film that would feature a few horror elements but Quarry insisted that the script be rewritten to emphasize the count’s vampirism. That was probably a good idea as Quarry turned Yorga into one of the most memorable movie vampires not named Dracula. Serious actor Michael Murphy appears in this film as well. It’s interesting to note that Murphy went from battling a vampire to working with Robert Altman and Woody Allen and appearing in some of the best films of the 70s. You can view Yorga here.
In Magic (1978), Anthony Hopkins plays a ventriloquist who is basically at the mercy of his foul-mouthed, foul-tempted, all together foul dummy. This is one of the best examples of a creepy ventriloquist dummy film. Hopkins’s neurotic performance is brilliant and actually far more interesting than his best-known work as Hannibal Lecter. Burgess Meredith and Ann-Margaret offer strong support. Hopefully, the dummy was used for kindling after this film was shot because seriously ….. agck! Magic is on Prime.
The Witchfinder General (1968) stars Vincent Price and was released as The Conqueror Worm in the United States but it should not be mistaken for one of Corman’s Poe adaptation. Instead, The Witchfinder General is a visually stunning and intense film that features Price is one of his best villainous roles. There’s very little camp or intentional humor to be found in this film. Instead, it’s just Price giving a genuinely frightening performance. Under its American Title of The Conqueror Worm, The Witchfinder General can be found on Prime.
Earlier, I mentioned that Robert Quarry’s Count Yorga was one of the most interesting not named Dracula. I should also mention that William Marshall made for an equally interesting vampire in 1972’s Blacula.The film may have been a bit campy but William Marshall gave a strong and dignified performance as Count Mamuwalde, who is transformed into a vampire by Dracula (who is not just a bloodsucker but a racist as well) and later finds himself in 1970s America. Blacula was followed by a sequel, 1973’s Scream, Blacula, Scream. The sequel is a mess but worth watching for the teaming of William Marshall and Pam Grier. Blacula and Scream, Blacula, Scream are both on Tubi.
Finally, I have to mention that Bruno Mattei’s 1984 masterpiece, Rats: Night of Terror can now be viewed on Tubi. The film may seem ludicrous but you’ll never get that final shot out of your head! It can be viewed on Tubi.
Through the Shattered Lens 