October True Crime: Cries Unheard: The Donna Yaklich Story (dir by Armand Mastroianni)


In 1994’s Cries Unheard: The Donna Yaklich Story, Jaclyn Smith is miscast as Donna, a naive young woman who is charmed by a cop named Dennis Yaklich (Brad Johnson).  The film is told in flashback and, for some reason, it was decided to have Jaclyn Smith (who was 49 when this film aired) not only play the middle-aged Donna but also to play her where she was just supposed to be in her 30s and looking for a husband.

Anyway, Dennis starts out charming but he soon turns out to have some problems.  He is easily angered.  He spends all of his time lifting weights.  He’s possessive.  He pops pills and shoots up steroids and, by the end of the movie, he’s grown out one of those madman beards that crazy men in movies always end up with.  When Dennis discovers that Patty (Hillary Swank), his daughter from his first marriage, is pregnant, he flies into a rage.  Donna does some research and comes to the conclusion that Dennis murdered his first wife.  When she confronts Dennis with this, he just laughs.

Donna is too frightened to grab her toddler son and run away from home, despite the fact that Dennis is hardly ever at home.  (In fairness, Dennis is a cop so he would definitely have the resources to track her down if she did leave.)  Instead, Donna hires two no-good trailer park boys to shoot Dennis when he comes home from work.  Dennis dies in his driveway, still holding the toy truck that he hoped to give his son.  It’s also raining when he dies because that’s the type of movie this is.

Donna made the mistake of hiring the dumbest people possible to carry out the crime and soon, she is getting arrested and being put on trial for murder.  Later, she tells her story to her now-teenage son, Denny (David Lascher).  Denny is angry because he had to grow up without a dad but he still assures his mother that she’s a wonderful person and the he can’t wait to pick her up from prison in 40 years.

Watching Cries Unheard was an odd experience for me.  By all logic, I should have been on Donna’s side but I found myself getting pretty annoyed with her.  Some of it was because Jaclyn Smith was totally miscast in the role.  Donna is supposed to be naive and meek and easily gaslit by her husband but Jaclyn Smith seemed as if she had just returned from a Paris shopping trip.  The other problem is that the film, which was heavy-handed even by the standards of a made-for-TV movie from the 90s, tried too hard to pretend as if hiring a hitman is something that anyone would have done in Donna’s situation.  The film ends with a Jaclyn Smith voice-over in which she points out that husbands who hire hitmen to kill their wives usually get a shorter sentence than women who do it and I really wanted to throw a shoe at the TV.  Regardless of the circumstances, hiring a hitman is an extreme step to take.  Most people will go through their entire life without ever hiring a hitman.  Most people don’t even know anyone who they could hire to be a hitman.  So, don’t sit there and act like this is the equivalent of women not getting paid as much men for the same amount of work.  I did a little research and discovered that this film was based on interviews that Donna gave in prison.  Dennis’s other daughter– who was not portrayed in the film — called the film a complete fabrication.

I should note that this film was directed by Armand Mastroianni, who also directed some of the best episodes of Friday the 13th: The Series and the classic slasher film He Knows You’re Alone.  (That film was also Tom Hanks’s feature debut.)  His direction embraces the melodrama but it can’t overcome a weak script and a miscast lead.

Horror Film Review: It Hatched (dir by Elvar Gunnarsson)


When I was growing up, I was fascinated by Iceland.

I didn’t really know much about Iceland, other than it was a sparsely-populated island that was known for its volcanic eruptions.  I think the main source of my fascination was the name.  Iceland made me imagine a country that was totally and completely covered in ice.  Of course, I’ve since learned that wasn’t true at all.  Just as Greenland is not entirely green, Iceland is not made of ice.  There’s a legend that the original settlers of the island picked the name “Iceland” as a way to keep other people from coming.  The legend probably isn’t true but still, that’s the type of attitude that I can respect.

The main reason that I watched the 2021 film, It Hatched, was because it’s an Icelandic film.  Iceland actually has a very busy film industry but sadly, few Icelandic films seem to make it over to the United States and, whenever we do get a good one, it’s promptly remade as a Liam Neeson revenge flick.  When I saw that It Hatched was not only an Icelandic film but that it was streaming for free on Tubi, there was no way I could resist watching.

The film tells the story of Petur (Gunnar Kristinsson) and Mira (Vivian Ólafsdóttir), a married couple who are living abroad when we first meet them.  Mira is German while Petur is Icelandic.  Petur has convinced Mira to return with him to Iceland, where he hopes to open a bed-and-breakfast.  Mira is not happy when she discovers that the house is sitting in middle of nowhere and that the nearest store is several miles away.  Petur is convinced that the location will bring a lot of bird watchers who will need a place to stay.  Mira is not sure and, as soon as she looks around the cluttered and messy house that Petur has purchased, you can see her mentally trying to figure out the quickest way to return to Germany.

Mira is not happy when Petur casually mentions that he had found a hole in the basement floor and he’s going to have to call someone to check it out.  Of course, by the time that Petur tells Mira this, she is suffering from morning sickness despite Petur having earlier been told that, with his low sperm count, it was doubtful he would ever get Mira pregnant.  Soon, Mira is giving birth to an egg and that egg is hatching to reveal a baby.  Petur has visions of a naked demon that lives in the hole and starts to lose his mind….

On the plus side, the demon in the hole is truly frightening and the film does a good job of capturing the feeling of being isolated from the rest of the world.  I found it somewhat interesting that, while Petur and Mira spoke to each other in English, all of the demons spoke Icelandic.  On the negative side, the film’s action moved a bit too slowly for its own good and Petur was an amazingly unsympathetic character.  Even before the character started to lose his grip on reality, I was already sick of Petur wandering around with the same dumbass expression on his face.  Towards the end of the film, Petur goes crazy and that would have been effective if not for the fact that Gunnar Kristinsson both looks and sounds like Charlie Day.  As a result, this film felt like a strange episode of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia.

Yeah, something like that.

It’s a shame.  It was not a bad premise but the execution was lacking.  (For the record, I am aware that the film is listed as being a “horror-comedy.”  There were definitely some laughs in the film but none of them seemed to be intentional.)  That said, I look forward to watching more Icelandic films in the future.

4 Shots From Horror History: The 1910s


This October, I’m going to be doing something a little bit different with my contribution to 4 Shots From 4 Films.  I’m going to be taking a little chronological tour of the history of horror cinema, moving from decade to decade.

Today, we take a look at the 1910’s.

4 Shots From 4 Horror Films

Frankenstein (1910, dir by J. Searle Dawley)

Frankenstein (1910, dir by J. Searle Dawley)

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1913, dir by Herbert Brenon)

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1913, dir by Herbert Brenon)

The Student of Prague (1913, dir by Stellan Rye and Paul Wegener)

The Student of Prague (1913, dir by Stellan Rye and Paul Wegener)

Eerie Tales (1919, dir by Richard Oswald)

Eerie Tales (1919, dir by Richard Oswald)

Horror Film Review: The Haunting of Julia (dir by Richard Loncraine)


1977’s The Haunting of Julia (also known as Full Circle) opens with a truly horrifying incident.

Julia (Mia Farrow) is an American housewife who is living in London.  One morning, her young daughter Kate starts to choke on her breakfast.  The panicked Julia attempts to perform a tracheotomy (!) on her daughter.  It should be noted that Julia is not a doctor and her attempts to perform a difficult medical operation on her daughter do not go well.  In fact, Kate dies.  The traumatized Julia demands a divorce from her husband Magnus (Keir Dullea).  While Magnus is reluctant to actually sign the papers, he does agree to a separation.

Julia moves into a new home.  As soon as she moves in, strange things start to happen.  There are odd noises.  Appliances turns on by themselves.  At first, Julia blames Magnus but soon, she spots a girl who looks like Kate in a nearby park.  Julia runs after the girl, just to discover that she’s vanished.

Was the little girl Kate or is Julia seeing something else?  Julia starts to research the history of the house and even consults a psychic who, after conducting a seance, informs Julia that she should leave the house immediately.  The mentally fragile Julia refuses to leave the house, feeling that doing so would mean abandoning the spirit of her daughter.  Meanwhile, Julia’s acquaintances are turning up dead….

Based on a novel by Peter Straub, The Haunting of Julia is an atmospheric ghost story.  (While I haven’t read Straub’s original novel, the film version seems to be owe more than a little bit of a debt to Don’t Look Now.)  I think I was eleven years old when I first came across The Haunting of Julia airing on one of the local stations down in Shreveport.  I didn’t watch the entire film.  In fact, I only caught the final ten minutes and I had to watch the movie with the volume turned down very low because my mom didn’t like me watching horror movies.  In this case, my mom was probably correct because what I did see of The Haunting of Julia left me totally traumatized and scared to go to sleep.  No matter what else one might say about this film, it has an absolutely haunting and terrifying ending.  Trying to get that final image out of your head is not easy.

When I recently rewatched The Haunting of Julia on TCM, I discovered that it was still just as frightening as I remembered it being.  I also discovered that, for the most part, Julia is a remarkably unlikable character.  While Julia is not solely responsible for all of the terrible things that happen over the course of this film, it’s still hard not to wonder just how stupid you would have to be to try to perform a tracheotomy with no medical training.  Afterwards, it’s understandable that Julia’s in denial and one can understand how she convinced herself that Kate’s spirit was trying to contact her.  But it’s still hard not to feel that a lot of people end up dying because she’s essentially an idiot.  Mia Farrow gives a typically eccentric performance as Julia, one that suggests that she wasn’t all there before she accidentally killed her daughter.  The rest of the cast is full of dependable British character actors, all of whom bring the film to frightening life.  This is a film where you have more sympathy for the people around the main character than for the main character herself.

That ending still packs quite a punch.  Don’t watch The Haunting of Julia alone.

Horror Film Review: Teenage Zombies (dir by Jerry Warren)


1959’s Teenage Zombies tells the story of a quartet of “teenagers.”

Reg (Don Sullivan), Skip (Paul Pepper), Julie (Mitzie Albertson), and Pam (Brianne Murphy) don’t really look like teenagers.  Julie could probably pass for her early 20s.  Reg looks like he’s getting close to 40.  Pam appears to be about 30.  Skip is maybe in his mid-20s.  One could chalk that up to bad casting on the part of director Jerry Warren but I like to think that the film is actually commenting on the education system.  While most of their contemporaries are out getting jobs and starting careers, these four people have failed their classes so often that they are stuck in permanent teenager mode.  They still hang out at the local malt shop and the owner lets them because money is money.

Our four aging teenagers decide to spend the day waterskiing.  Woo hoo!  What fun!  (I don’t water ski because of my morbid fear of drowning but I do like hanging out at the lake and watching other people risk their lives.)  During their water skiing adventures, the teens come across a mysterious island.  They decide to explore because why not?  They’re 30-something teenagers!  Life is about taking risks.

The Island turns out to be home to Dr. Myra (Katherine Victor).  Dr. Myra, who is apparently working for the Godless communists, has developed a mind-control gas that can turn people into her slaves.  Living on the island with Dr. Myra is a hunched over zombie named Ivan the Zombie (Chuck Niles) and a gorilla (Mitch Evans).  Gorillas really aren’t native to the United States and, even if they were, I doubt you would find one living on an unchartered island in the middle of a lake but then again, you also don’t find many mad scientists at the lake either.  Most mad scientists understand that mountain laboratories are easier to defend than their island equivalent.

With the teens missing, two of their friends go to the local sheriff (Mike Concannon) for help.  Unfortunately, it turns out that the sheriff is actually working with Dr. Myra and has been providing her with prisoners to experiment on!  All of the teenagers realize that they have to stop Dr. Myra before she perfects her mind control gas and uses it to conquer the world!  Unfortunately, the teens themselves are pretty stupid.  Their plan for getting Dr. Myra to tell them how to reverse is the process is to put her in the zombie gas chamber herself.  What they don’t seem to have considered is that the zombies don’t talk so turning Dr. Myra into a zombie isn’t going to be that helpful.

Teenage Zombies is definitely a film of its time, a low-budget mix of teen hijinks and zombie “horror.”  It’s the type of film where the “wild” teens come across as being as wild as a church youth group.  My favorite thing about the film is that the climax depends on a random gorilla attack.  My second favorite thing is that the teens are told that, if they save America, they might even get a chance to meet the President!  Well, I should hope so!

That said, Dwight Eisenhower was pretty cool.  If Eisenhower couldn’t inspire those teens to save America, then nobody could.

Horror Song of the Day: The Dead Are After Me by George Edward Lott


The dead!  Are after me!

The 1986 film, Raiders of the Living Dead, features what may be the greatest song ever written about zombies.  For your listening pleasure, here is George Edward Lott’s The Dead Are After Me!

Live Tweet Alert: Join #FridayNightFlix for The Craft!


As some of our regular readers undoubtedly know, I am involved in a few weekly watch parties.  On Twitter, I host #FridayNightFlix every Friday and I co-host #ScarySocial on Saturday.  On Mastodon, I am one of the five hosts of #MondayActionMovie!  Every week, we get together.  We watch a movie.  We tweet our way through it.

Tonight, at 10 pm et, I will be hosting #FridayNightFlix!  The movie?  The Craft!

If you want to join us this Friday, just hop onto twitter, find The Craft on Prime, start the movie at 10 pm et, and use the #FridayNightFlix hashtag!  I’ll be there happily tweeting.  It’s a friendly group and welcoming of newcomers so don’t be shy.

See you there!

Horror on the Lens: The Ghost In The Invisible Bikini (dir by Don Weis)


In 1965’s The Ghost In The Invisible Bikini, the recently deceased Hiram Stokely (Boris Karloff) is informed that he has just 24 hours to perform a good deed and get into Heaven.  He also has 24 hours to keep Basil Rathbone from stealing his estate.  Hiram teams up with the ghost of his his dead girlfriend (Susan Hart) and together, they help Hiram’s real heir throw a pool party!

I know, I know.  That makes no sense.  Go with it, it’s the 60s and it’s a party.  The film is silly even by the standards of the typical beach party film but it features Boris Karloff and Basil Rathbone somehow managing to maintain their dignity and Nancy Sinatra singing a song.  (Dean Martin’s daughter, Claudia, also makes an appearance.)  Even more importantly, this is a film that epitomizes an era.  Released in 1965, this was the last AIP beach party movie and it’s a product of the innocent, fun-loving early 60s that would soon be replaced by the violent turmoil of the late 60s.  Hiram was probably happy that he got out when he could.

Here is The Ghost In The Invisible Bikini:

20 Horror Films For The Weekend (10/3/25)


Welcome to Horrorthon!  Here’s 20 films to help get you into that October mood!

The Dreams of Jean Rollin

I have been a fan of the French director Jean Rollin ever since I first watched Night of the Hunted on one rainy night.  His dream-like film were often both frightening and, in their way, rather touching.  At heart, Rollin was a poet and a romantic, along with being a cinematic rebel.  This October is the perfect time to get caught up on Rollin.

The Nude Vampire (1970) opens at night, with a woman wearing an orange nightgown being chased down a street by three men wearing bird-like masks.  The woman runs into a man named Pierre.  Pierre watches as the woman is shot in the back and then carried into what appears to be a secret club.  Pierre follows and soon finds himself in the middle of a surreal world featuring cults, vampires, and one of Rollin’s trademark trips to the beach.  This was Rollin’s second film.  It’s surreal trip into an undergouns world and it owes more than a little to the serials that Rollin enjoyed as a young man.  The Nude Vampire can be viewed on Shudder.

The Shiver of the Vampires (1971) is Rollin’s tribute to the old Universal haunted house films.  A newlywed couple visits a castle that was owned by the wife’s cousins.  Upon arriving, they are told that the cousins are dead and the house is now occupied by two mysterious young women.  Over the course of the night, the couple discovers that the castle is also home to vampire named Isolde.  This atmospheric film is best-remembered the scene with Isolde emerges from a grandfather clock.  It was an image that Rollin liked so much that he reused it in several later films.  Shiver of the Vampires can be viewed on Tubi.

Requiem for a Vampire (1971) tells the story of two young girls who, having committed some sort of crime while wearing clown makeup, wander through the French countryside until they come across a castle that is occupied by a sickly vampire and his servants.  Atmospheric, dream-like, and sexually-charged, Requiem for a Vampire is a mix of horror, crime, and melodrama.  “Let’s go to the cemetery!”  Requiem for a Vampire is available on Shudder.

Lips of Blood (1975) mixes two of Rollin’s favorite themes: vampires and memory.  A man sees a picture of a ruined seaside castle and becomes convinced that he’s visited it in the past.  His search for castle leads not just to vampires but also a meditation on the act of remembering and how people are always trying to recapture an idealized moment of time.  A truly beautiful film, Lips of Blood can be found on Shudder.

The Living Dead Girl (1981) is one of Rollin’s best films.  A toxic spill brings a young woman back to life.  She has only vague memories of her past life but she also has an insatiable need for blood.  When her childhood friend discovers that the woman has come back to life, she tries to keep her fed.  It soon becomes clear that, even though the title character would rather be allowed to return to the peace of death, her friend is determined to keep her alive.  This film is a bloody, gory, and ultimately very moving examination of love and friendship.  How far would you go?  The Living Dead Girl can be found on Tubi.

Hacking Away At October

Graduation Day (1981) is one of my favorite of the early 80s slasher, an entertainingly lowbrow film about a killer who is seeking revenge on the high school track and field team.  Christopher George is the hard-pushing coach.  Michael Pataki is the ineffective principal.  Linnea Quigley, who was reportedly cast as the last minute after one of the actresses walked off the set, is the closest thing the film has to a likable character.  Vanna White is a high school student.  The music is incredible!  Felony performs a 10-minute version of Gangsters of Rock.  Graduation Day can be viewed on Tubi.

If you enjoyed Christopher George in Graduation Day, you’ll definitely want to follow up with Mortuary (1983), in which he plays the creepy owner of a funeral home.  When he’s not embalming, he’s yelling at his socially awkward son (Bill Paxton).  Someone is committing murder in the suburbs.  Could it have something to do with the weird cult that occasionally meets in the mortuary’s back room?  Christopher’s wife, Lynda Day George, plays the widow with a secret.  Be sure to yell, “We can see you breathing!” during the later embalming scenes.  Mortuary can be viewed on Tubi.

Christopher George and Lynda Day George also appear in Pieces (1982), one of the goriest slasher films ever made.  The film’s tag line was “You don’t have to go to Texas for a chainsaw massacre” and this film proves it by setting the action in Boston.  This film divides it’s time between genuinely disturbing gore and scenes that are so bizarre and misconceived that you can’t help but wonder if the director was trying to satirize the slasher genre.  The random kung fu fight is an obvious example, as is the scene where the killer casually steps into an elevator while carrying his chainsaw.  The film’s goriest scene is disturbing up until the moment that Lynda Day George starts screaming, “BASTARD!” at the sky.  Pieces can be viewed on Tubi.

Hell Night (1981) may not feature Christopher and Lynda Day George but it does feature Linda Blair, Vincent Van Patten, and the absolutely dreamy Peter Barton as part of a group of fraternity and sorority pledges who spend the night in a supposedly haunted house.  Uh-oh — it turns out the house really is haunted!  Though the plot features the usual slasher hijinks, Hell Night is a well-acted movie that makes good use of its location and which features a few moments of wit to go along with all the death and horror.  It can be viewed on Prime.

Even by the standards of director Jim Wynorski, Sorority House Massacre 2 (1990) is a trashy film.  Four sorority girls try to clean up their new house, which basically translates to taking showers, wearing lingerie, and playing with a Ouija board.  Their creepy neighbor, Orville, tries to warn them that they’ve moved into the old Hockstader Place but he just keeps getting stabbed for his trouble.  The film is pure exploitation but it’s also cheerfully self-aware.  It’s so shameless and the story plays out with so much energy that it becomes entertaining in its own very stupid way.  Gail Harris and Melissa Moore give surprisingly committed performances.  Peter Spellos is the neighbor who wants to help but keeps freaking everyone out.  The film’s ending is oddly effective.  It can be viewed on YouTube.  

Supernatural Creeps

Ulli Lommel’s The Boogeyman (1980) has an intriguing premise.  What if a mirror stored the evil that it once reflected?  It also has a lot of ominous country atmosphere and a good performance from Lommel’s then partner, Suzanna Love.  There’s a disturbing dream sequence that still freaks me out whenever I see it.  It’s also an often ludicrous film that doesn’t always make a lot of sense but it’s still the best of Lommel’s American films.  John Carradine shows up as a psychiatrist.  It can be viewed on Tubi.

Burial Ground: Nights of Terror (1981) is an Italian film about what happens when a bunch of decadent, sex-crazed rich people find themselves trapped in a villa by a bunch of zombie.  The zombie effects are surprisingly effective.  There’s a lot of gore and also a political subtext of sorts.  (The dead peasants rise from the dead and use the tools of their life — like scythes — to attack the rich.)  That said, most people remember this film for Peter Bark’s bizarre performance of Michael, who is supposed to be a young teenager and who has a taboo scene with his mother (played by Mariangela Giordano) that seems to come out of nowhere.  There’s some debate over whether or not Bark was an actual teenager or an elderly little person.  I still have to cover my eyes during the finale.  It can be viewed on Tubi.

Zombie 5: Killing Birds (1988) is another Italian zombie film.  Ignore the “Five” in the title, this film isn’t an actual sequel to anything.  A group of college students head to down to steamy bayous and find themselves besieged by the living dread.  Birds may or may not be involved.  Robert Vaughn hams it up as a blind man.  There’s a genuinely frightening nightmare sequence.  It can be viewed on Tubi.

Shock Waves (1977) also features zombies.  In this case, they’re living underwater, off the coast of Florida for some reason.  Shock Waves is a truly scary film.  The zombies are relentless and brutal and the scene where they emerge from the water is a 100 times more frightening than it has any right to be.  Brooke Adams plays the tourist who screams a lot.  Peter Cushing is a mad scientist.  John Carradine is a crusty old boat captain.  Shock Waves can be viewed on Tubi.

Count Dracula (1970) stars Christopher Lee in a version of the Dracula story that sticks closer to the original Bram Stoker novel than any of the Hammer films.  This version was directed by Jess Franco and features none other than Klaus Kinski as Renfield.  Lee’s refined, aristocratic Dracula is quite a contrast to the feral version of the character that he often played for Hammer.  Lee always cited this as the only Dracula film that he took pride in.  It can be viewed on Tubi.

They’re Coming To Get You

Chopping Mall (1986) features the latest in mall security.  Instead of security guards, the mall will now be patrolled by security robots.  It’s all good and well until the robots malfunction and start chasing down the hot young employees who foolishly decided to spend the night in their store.  Directed by Jim Wynorski and featuring Kelli Maroney, Russell Todd, Gerrit Graham, Barbara Crampton, and Dick Miller, Chopping Mall is a lot of fun.  I don’t know if Wynorski has ever topped the exploding head scene.  The film can be viewed on Tubi.

Hellmaster (1992) features John Saxon as a crazed and apparently immortal professor-turned-cult-leader who injects his followers with drugs that turn them into mindless zombies.  David Emge, who was in Dawn of the Dead, plays the reporter who is haunted by Saxon’s crimes.  Saxon is certainly intent on turning people into zombies but the film never really explains why.  Still, the film has an intensity to it that I appreciate.  John Saxon makes for a strong villain.  The film can be viewed on Tubi.

Something Weird (1967) tells the story of Mitch.  He gets electrocuted, which leaves him both psychic and disfigured.  While his best friend wants to Mitch’s psychic abilities to defeat the communists, Mitch instead accepts a deal with a witch.  She takes away his disfigurement and soon, Mitch is a celebrity.  However, the witch doesn’t do anything for free.  Eventually, Mitch takes LSD to try to strengthen his powers.  Director Herschell Gordon Lewis was better-known for his gore films but Something Weird lives up to its title.  With its mix of witches, ESP, and LSD, it’s a true horror time capsule.  The film can be viewed on Tubi.

Terror At London Bridge (1985) features Jack The Ripper time traveling to Arizona.  Can David Hasselhoff stop him!?  Watch the film on Tubi to find out.  The film will probably be best appreciated by David Hasselhoff fans but hey, who isn’t a fan of the Hoff?

Track of the Moon Beast (1976) is a film that is so much a product of the 70s that it deserves to be put in a museum.  Come for the story of an innocent man transformed into a monster by a moon rock and stay for the lengthy performance of California Lady.  Watch the film on YouTube!

Check out my previous week’s movies by clicking here!

Sharks of the Corn, Review by Case Wright (Written/Dir. Tim Ritter)


“Steven Kang’s Sharks of the Corn” is a Tim Ritter film. I watched this movie with Lisa and she said it was “Something.” I agree. It is hard to describe SOTC because it’s unclear what it was about because I don’t believe that Tim knew. The movie was NOT about sharks in the corn because most of the film took place in cars, living rooms, backyards, and a helicopter- Yes, a helicopter.

This film also forces us to discuss an uncomfortable topic – Generation X nudity. There is A LOT of Generation X nudity in this film. The amount of Gen X nudity that is acceptable in 2025 is… carry the one…integrate the function… ZERO! It is ZERO! They take their clothes off so much in this film that you’d think the corn had poison ivy on it! The people in this film have grandchildren. You know how awkward Thanksgiving will be now that nephew Tommy knows what Auntie Carol’s boobies look like?!! Enough already! Your days of cavorting naked in cornfields ended when the Counting Crows disappeared from the charts and kids who look like you called you Grandpa.

Aside from the nudity, the movie failed because it could not embrace its title. The movie should have been 80 minutes, but it had 40 subplots – all boring. If the movie stuck to its title, it would have been fine, but this movie had more detours than downtown Houston. “Sharks of the Corn” is the equivalent if “Snakes on a Plane” spent 80% of its runtime at H&R Block. Getting competent tax preparation is important, but it is not appropriate to film tax preparation, if your film is about sharks in a cornfield. At one point in the film, a mafia family was involved, but they were dressed like the costumes were from Party City and a kid was dressed like the Hamburgler. *Sidenote* I’m kinda hungry. I have no idea what that subplot was about and I don’t care.

The plot was more of a gooey subplot mess, but I think there was a shark god in the corn and I cannot do better than that description. There is a serial killer shark god prophet who converts the often nude Gen X cop to worship the shark god??? Sadly, this is typical of Tim Ritter – he can’t edit. His other films have equally long runtimes and I can’t believe that they needed that much time. NO WAY! Tim, I feel like you are the evil mentor for Alex Magana. I think Alex is a better filmmaker than you are and Alex is AWFUL, but not the worst- not anymore! Why do you rank lower than the man who gave the world the “Smiling Woman” series because his films are at least brief and on topic. I think the “hero” won in the end, but I can’t tell.

This film needs to be stopped!