Invasion of the Pod People (2007, directed by Justin Jones)

Posted on October 3, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

One day, someone said, “Why don’t we remake Invasion of the Body Snatchers but instead of having the pod people act emotionless, we’ll have them turn into predatory lesbians?”

Of course, the movie went straight into production.

Erica Roby plays Melissa, who works for a PR firm in Los Angeles. After a meteorite shower, she starts to notice that the people at work and in her apartment complex are all getting strange new ginger root plants and they are all starting to act out-of-character. For example, Melissa’s formerly bitchy boss, Samantha (Jessica Bork), suddenly wants to make out all the time. Meanwhile, the husband of one of Melissa’s clients break into Melissa’s apartment, says that his wife has been replaced, and then shoots himself. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that the body snatchers have once again arrived on Earth and that they’re replacing humans with doppelgangers. (The main difference is that the body snatchers waited for their victims to fall asleep while the doppelgangers just hatch from the plant and beat whoever it is that they are replacing to death.) Melissa and her co-worker, Billie (Danae Nason), team up with Detective Alexander (Marat Glazer) to track down where the plants are coming from and destroy them. It’s a Body Snatcher film so don’t expect a happy ending.

Actually, the idea of doing a softcore version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers seems like such an obvious one that I’m surprised that no one did it until 2007. In everything from its visual look to its dialogue to its attitude towards sexuality, Invasion of the Pod People feels like the sort of film that used to show up on late night Cinemax during the 90s. The 90s version, though, would have had Shannon Tweed and Andrew Stevens and that would have been an improvement on the people who are starring in the version that was actually released. Invasion of the Pod People had potential to be a guilty pleasure but the visual style is so flat and unappealing and the soundtrack is so muddy that the movie feels much longer than just 85 minutes. With a little fine-tuning and a more invested cast, Invasion of the Pod People could have been a Skinemax classic but it was just released ten years too late.

International Horror Review: Massacre in Dinosaur Valley (dir by Michele Massimo Tarantini)

Posted on October 3, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

As I watched the 1985 Italian film, Massacre in Dinosaur Valley, I found myself wondering one thing.

“Where are the dinosaurs!?”

Perhaps I’ve been spoiled by the Jurassic Park franchise but whenever I see the word “dinosaur” in a title, I expect to see dinosaurs. That’s actually probably the main reason why I, or anyone else for that matter, would watch Massacre in Dinosaur Valley. Unfortunately, there are no dinosaurs in this film. Instead, a paleontologist shows up to explain that the valley is called Dinosaur Valley because it is the home to so many fossils. This, of course, is the equivalent of telling us that, even though a city is really boring now, you should have seen it several thousand years ago. Unfortunately, we also don’t get to see any fossils in Massacre in Dinosaur Valley.

An actual screen shot from Massacre in Dinosaur Valley

There is, however, a massacre. When a plane crashes in the valley, the pilot is killed but the majority of the passengers survive. Insane Vietnam vet John Heinz (Milton Rodriguez) declares himself to be the leader of the survivors, even while his drunk wife (Marta Anderson) taunts him about everything from his lack of sexual prowess to the fact that his war record apparently isn’t as impressive as he claims. The majority of the survivors would rather be led by Kevin Hall (Michael Sopikw), a soldier of fortune who is first introduced hitching a ride on a truck and then admitting that he doesn’t even have the five dollars that he promised to pay the driver. Kevin seems like a bit of a loser but he’s better looking than Heinz and a good deal more laid back as well.

That said, it really doesn’t matter whether Kevin or John is in charge of the survivors because, what the valley lacks in dinosaurs, it makes up for in cannibals. When the cannibals attack, the survivors rather foolishly split up and quickly discover that, if the cannibals don’t get you, the quicksand will. Kevin ends up making his way through the jungle with Myara (Gloria Cristal) and Belinda (Susan Hahn).

Massacre in Dinosaur Valley was released towards the end of the infamous Italian cannibal cycle. In Italy, it was originally given the much more honest title of Nudo e selvaggio, which translates to Naked and Savage. In some parts of the world, it was released as Cannibal Ferox 2, in an effort to associate the film with Umberto Lenzi’s infamous shocker. The plot of Massacre in Dinosaur Valley obviously owes much to Cannibal Ferox. Fortunately, there’s far less animal cruelty in Massacre In Dinosaur Valley. Unfortunately, the plot moves slowly and none of the film’s violence or gore is as nightmarishly realized as in the equivalent scenes from Ferox. As well, no one in the Dinosaur Valley cast can really duplicate the charisma of Ferox‘s Giovanni Lombardo Radice, Lorraine De Selle, and Zora Kerova.

That said, even if he wasn’t a particularly dynamic actor, Michael Sopkiw was still a likable lead and he was the best thing that Massacre In Dinosaur Valley had going for it. Sopkiw is a bit of an enigmatic figure when it comes to the history of Italian exploitation films. He was an American actor and a model who, in quick succession, starred in four Italian films. He started his career with Sergio Martino’s 2019: After The Fall of New York and then went on to star in Lamberto Bava’s Blastfighter and Monster Shark before ending his acting career with Massacre In Dinosaur Valley. Sopkiw was good looking and he had a likeable screen presence. It’s easy to imagine that he could have had a career similar to Michael Dudikoff’s if he had stuck with it. But Sopkiw apparently decided that acting in B-movies wasn’t for him and he instead went into botany and started a company that makes special glass bottles that protect their contents from exposure to the sun. Good for him.

Horror Film Review: Dark Was The Night (dir by Jack Heller)

Posted on October 3, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The 2014 horror film, Dark Was The Night, takes place in the town of Madison Woods.

Madison Woods is a small, isolated town that is located somewhere up north. It’s one of those dreary blue collar towns where everyone knows everyone else. Most of the citizens work in the logging industry, attend the same church, and drink at the same bar. It’s not a town where much happens. The police force consists of two guys, Sheriff Paul Shields (Kevin Durand) and his new deputy, Donny Saunders (Lukas Haas). Donny worked in New York City before moving to Madison Woods. Shields is currently estranged from his wife. That’s the type of thing that passes for big news in Madison Woods.

When one of the local farmers complains that one of his horses has disappeared, Shields and Saunders assume that the horse has just run off. When other animals start to disappear, Shields continues to insist that it’s all just a coincidence. When the local hunters start to talk about an ancient legend of a monster that lives in the woods, Shields replies that there are no monsters and, for good measure, there’s no God as well. (In many ways, Shields is a perfect example of the old joke about how the best way to spot an atheist is to wait a few minutes and he’ll tell you.) Even when weird cloven footsteps start to show up around town and Shields himself spots something in his backyard, the Sheriff continues to insist that there is a rational explanation for all of this. Meanwhile, Saunders hangs out at the bar and drinks and really, who can blame him? As far as I can tell, it’s not like Madison Woods has a movie theater or anything like that. It’s a really boring town. You can either develop the beginnings of a drinking problem or you can start random fights or you can get ripped apart by the thing in the woods. Make your choice.

Eventually, Shields and Saunders do discover that there is something lurking out in the woods. And, despite their attempts to come up with a rational explanation, the creature proves itself to be more than just some animal. Instead, it’s a true supernatural monster, tracking its prey through the community. As a group of loggers discover at the start of the movie, the creature is just as quick to attack humans as it is to go after deer and other wild animals. With the entire town locked away in the church basement (because, as Night of the Living Dead proved, the basement is always the safest place), Saunders and Shields try to figure out how to stop a monster that neither one of them has ever seen before.

Dark Was The Night was loosely inspired by a true story. In 1885, the citizens of Topsham in the UK were stunned to wake up one cold morning and discover a series of cloven footprints in the snow. The footprints led through the entire city and it appeared that whatever was responsible for them had stopped in front of every house and place of business. Some claimed that the footprints belonged to the devil while others said that it was just some sort of animal. The Devil’s Footprints, as the story became known, serves as a bit of Rorschach test. Those inclined to believe in the supernatural have little trouble believing that the Devil visited the town of Topsham while the more rational among us assume that the footprints were left by a wild animal and then people saw whatever they wanted. Dark Was The Night moves the story to the modern day and to America but the question remains the same. Is there really a monster in the woods or, as Shields initially believes, are people just seeing what they want to see? Unfortunately, the film reveals the monster’s existence within its opening minutes. The film would have perhaps been more effective if there had at least been some mystery about whether or not Shields’s initial instincts were correct.

Dark Was The Night is a deliberately paced film, which again would be more effective if there was any mystery at all as to whether or not the monster actually existed. On the plus side, the film is full of atmosphere and Kevin Durand and Lukas Haas are both effective as the two lawmen who find themselves in over their heads. Fans of Lost will remember Durand as the evil Martin Keamy, who was one of the most heartless characters to ever appear on that show or any other show. Durand gets to play the hero in Dark Was The Night and gives a good performance as a man who discovers that not everything has a rational explanation. That said, while the film has some interesting ideas and performances, it ultimately becomes just another monster-laying-siege film and the ending is one that most viewers will see coming from miles away. It’s not a bad film but it’s still never quite as good as one might hope.

Horror on the Lens: Robot Monster (dir by Phil Tucker)

Posted on October 3, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Today’s horror film is a true classic of its kind, the 1953 science fiction epic Robot Monster.

Now, I should admit that this is not the first time that I’ve shared Robot Monster in October. I share it every year and, every year, YouTube seems to pull the video down in November. That sucks because Robot Monster is one of those weird films that everyone should see. So, I’m going to share it again. And, hopefully, YouTube will let the video stay up for a while.

As for what Robot Monster is about…

What happens with the Earth is attacked by aliens? Well, first off, dinosaurs come back to life. All of humanity is killed, except for one annoying family. Finally, the fearsome Ro-Man is sent down to the planet to make sure that it’s ready for colonization. (Or something like that. To be honest, Ro-Man’s exact goal remains a bit vague.)

Why is Ro-Man so fearsome? Well, he lives in a cave for one thing. He also owns a bubble machine. And finally, perhaps most horrifically, he’s a gorilla wearing a diver’s helmet. However, Ro-Man is not just a one-dimensional bad guy. No, he actually gets to have a monologue about halfway through the film in which he considers the existential issues inherent in being a gorilla wearing a diver’s helmet.

Can humanity defeat Ro-Man? Will Ro-Man ever get his intergalactic supervisor to appreciate him? And finally, why are the dinosaurs there?

Despite the film’s reputation for being borderline incoherent, most of those above questions actually are answered if you pay attention to the first few scenes of Robot Monster. In fact, one could even argue that Robot Monster is maybe a little bit more clever than it’s often given credit for. Of course, it’s still a zero-budget mess of a film but it’s also undeniably fun and, in some sections, unexpectedly dark. If you’ve never seen it before, you owe it to yourself to set aside an hour and two minutes in order to watch it. You’ve never see anything like it before.

Finally, I should note that Robot Monster’s hero was played by George Nader, who actually did go on to appear in several mainstream films. Despite his good looks and talent (which may not be obvious in this film but which he did have), George Nader struggled to get starring roles in Hollywood, where he was often dismissed as just being a member of Rock Hudson’s entourage. (It’s been theorized that Nader struggled because the studios feared that giving him too big of a role would lead to the gossip magazines writing about Nader’s relationship with Hudson, though the two were just friends. Nader was in a relationship with Hudson’s private secretary, Mark Miller, from 1947 until Nader’s death in 2001.) Nader finally left Hollywood and went on to have a pretty successful career in Europe. He was perhaps best known for playing secret agent Jerry Cotton in a series of films in the 60s.

Enjoy Robot Monster!

October Positivity: End of the Harvest (dir by Rich Christiano)

Posted on October 2, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This 1995 film takes place on a college campus that is ruled over by the worst possible people …. THE PHILOSOPHY CLUB!

Okay, that might be an exaggeration. It’s a big campus and undoubtedly, most of the students are just doing their own thing and don’t particularly care about any of the clubs or any of the Greek organizations or any of that stuff. That said, it does seem like a surprisingly large amount of people are interested in the weekly Philosophy Club debates, despite the fact that the Philosophy Club itself seems to only have three members.

After seeing his religious friend get totally trampled while trying to debate the existence of God, Scott (Brad Heller) decides that it’s time to take a stand. Scott used to be a wild frat boy and he even lost his license due to a DUI. But now, he’s super Christian and he’s totally excited because he found a 50 year-old thesis about when the Bible says the world is going to end. Scott challenges the Philosophy Club to a debate and soon, flyers are being put up all over campus.

The only problem is that Scott isn’t ready for the debate. The Philosophy Club has uncovered the secrets of Scott’s dark past and, after they harass him on campus and start calling his ex-girlfriends, Scott starts to feel that he won’t be able to make his case. He begs Matt (David A.R. White) for help but Matt says that it’s pointless to try to debate anything in front of the Philosophy Club. The Philosophy Club doesn’t care about anything but Marx and Nietzsche. Matt not only thinks that the debate will be a waste of time but he also thinks that it will actually drive people away from religion.

Of course, Matt has another reasons for not wanting to talk about the end of the world. He’s been having odd dreams, in which he’s standing in a wheat field and watching an old farmer using a scythe to bring in the last harvest….

There have been several faith-base films that have been set on campus and they all have the same basic plot. A religious person goes to college and has their faith tested by people who were raised differently and who insist that science or philosophy can serve as a substitute for religion. It always seems to lead to a classroom debate and the religious student usually wins because all of the arguments have been slanted to their side. Of course, it’s not just Christian films that do this. If there’s one thing that Christians and atheists share in common, it’s an almost total ignorance about how the other side views the world and the questions of existence. Anti-Christian films always fall back on the stereotype of the fanatical parents who refuse to allow their children to leave the house. Christian films, on the other hand, always seem to feature an atheist who is angry at God. End of the Harvest doesn’t go quite as far into those stereotypes as some other Christian films do but it’s still hard not to notice that the bizarrely smug members of the Philosophy Club are left speechless by some pretty basic arguments. It’s the fantasy that both atheists and Christians tend to indulge in, the one where you come up with the pithy one-liner that no one can refute. Christians always want to know how you can be angry at a God you don’t believe in. Atheists always want to know, if God created everything, who created God. In the real world, both arguments can be easily refuted but, in the movies, they’re always game changers.

End of the Harvest is a fairly standard religion-on-campus film. It’s not going to convert anyone. That said, the scenes of Matt standing in that wheat field have a nicely surreal feel to them. In those scenes, it really does feel like the end is coming.

Waffle, Review by Case Wright

Posted on October 2, 2022 by casewright

I do love a good short film. I love a good comedy horror and loathe the ones that are terrible like this garbage trash “Origin” that I reviewed last year: https://unobtainium13.com/2021/10/06/origin-film-review-by-case-wright/ I’m not saying that the person who unleashed “Origin” or any terrible Short Film should be imprisoned forever, but I’m not saying that they shouldn’t either- Listen, I’ll back your play.

Waffle was ….. not bad. There were some stunners last year. I mean true artworks and please if you have the ability to hire these actors, writers, and directors – please call them. I’ll spot your month’s IMDB Pro dues if you do. *winks with sexy Italian eyebrows, makes click sound – Sup?*

Kate Marovitch and Kerry Barker created Waffle and they hit a number of good points. It’s a self-contained story. They were on a budget, but made the film look awfully slick. There’s a clear plot and narrative thread. I put this short-film in the good category, which I don’t give out lightly. Shorts are a unique storytelling artform- Every word matters and every second matters. I wouldn’t mind seeing another one of their shorts; however, I’d like to see what they could create for a series.

The short takes our phone induced isolation to another level. In this world, you rent friendship and love with a finger swipe, but Katie uses the evil Tinder to find her victims. Yes, this plot is straight-forward, but it had some funny lines and a heart. They are tapping into the interpersonal relationship version of there are “ten-thousand channels and nothing’s on.”

I don’t want to spoil the ending and would recommend this ten-minutes for you. Yes, you!

The TSL’s Horror Grindhouse: The Astrologer (dir by James Glickenhaus)

Posted on October 2, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Quite possibly one of the most boring film ever made, 1975’s The Astrologer tells the story of …. well, I’m not really sure what the point of it all is.

Basically, an astrologer named Alexi Abarnel (Bob Byrd) has figured how to combine the zodiac with 70s technology and, as a result, everyone’s potential for good and evil can be determined simply by typing their birthdate into a computer. The U.S. government funds his agency, which is known as Interzod. And let’s be honest, that does sound like the type of dumbass thing that the government would fund, especially when the Democrats are in power.

According to the stars, the second coming of Christ is only a few days away. Alexi is convinced that he has married the woman who is destined to give birth to the Savior. Because of this, he refuses to consummate his marriage because it’s very important that she remain a virgin. However, he hasn’t bothered to inform her of any of this so poor Kate (Monica Tidwell) spends all of her time wondering why her husband hasn’t touched her in five years of marriage and why it’s also so important to him that she never tell anyone the actual date of her birth.

Meanwhile, a group of gypsies are traveling the country and, under the leadership of Kajerste (Mark Buntzman), they are both murdering people and also compelling people to commit suicide. Interzod is concerned about Kajerste because of his “zodiacal” potential but Alexei is also concerned that he doesn’t have Kajerste’s exact birthdate. But the fact that Kajerste is commanding his followers to kill people should be enough to clue Interzod into the fact that Kajerste is bad guy, regardless of whether he’s a Capricorn or an Aquarius. Fortunately, Interzod has come up with a plan on how to kill Kajerste, one that involves implanting thoughts in his head via electrodes and tranquilizer dots. A young congressman (Al Narcisse) wants to help because he’s so interested in Interzod’s work. However, it turns out that the ludicrously complicated plan to take out Kajerste is …. well, ludicrously complicated. If my tax money is going to fund Interzod, I would hope they would make better use of it.

The film’s plot definitely has the potential to be interesting but, unfortunately, The Astrologer is a very, very talky film. It only has a 78-minute running time and the majority of the film is made up people having very long and very dry conversations about how Interzod works and why its work is important. The problem is that there’s not really any need to convince the viewers that Interzod is important or to show us how it works. No watching this film is going to be interested in an in-depth examination of a fictional government agency. Everyone knows that this isn’t 60 Minutes and it’s not like the NSA has hand-picked the correspondent who is going to be reporting on them. This is a film about spies, astrology, and a killer cult. It should be a lot of fun but instead it’s incredibly boring.

That’s not to say that it’s a total waste. This was James Glickenhaus’s first film as a director. Glickenhaus went to direct some well-regarded action films in the 80s and there are a handful of isolated moments in The Astrologer where it is obvious that the film was made by someone who had a good visual eye. A cult ceremony scene that is almost totally made up of freeze frames is nicely done. And, as always, it’s hard not to admire the ambition of someone trying to make a metaphysical thriller and tackle the big questions of existence on a budget.

In the end, though, the most interesting thing about The Astrologer is its insistence on having its characters frequently use the term “zodiacal.” Take a drink every time that you hear someone say, “zodiacal” but don’t drive afterwards.

Downdraft (1996, directed by Michael Mazo)

Posted on October 2, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

When an out-of-control general was on the verge of destroying the world, Col. Jack Slater (Vincent Spano) did what he had to do and he killed him. Now, Slater is in a military prison and separated from his family. However, he’s offered an opportunity to win his freedom. All he has to do is reassemble his old crew of military/scientist specialists and deactivate an underground computer. The problem is that a mad scientist named LaGrange (Zdenek Maryska) is threatening to use the computer to destroy the world and the underground chambers are patrolled by a killer cyborg that has melded with LaGrange’s mind. Meanwhile, above ground, General Devlin (Paul Koslo) is willing to sacrifice Jack and his team if it means covering up what’s happening underground. If the cyborg doesn’t kill them, the super computer will. If the super computer can’t get the job done, the government cover-up will do what has to be done. If the government can’t do it, the earthquake will have to suffice. Either way, it seems unlikely that Jack and his people are going to escape that underground chamber with their lives.

“Game over, man!”

No one shouted that in Downdraft but they could have because the scenes of the team searching the underground chamber will be familiar to anyone who remembers the space marines exploring the destroyed colony in Aliens.

“I’ll be back.”

No one says that in Downdraft but someone could have because the computer turning on the humans that created it will be familiar to anyone who remembers what John Connor told Sarah in The Terminator.

“Thank you and have a nice day.”

Again, no one says it in Downdraft but they could have because the killer cyborg might as well be named Robocop.

Downdraft takes elements from all of those films and then adds in the type of corrupt general who would send John Rambo to Vietnam and then abandon him there once it became obvious that Rambo had found evidence of American POWs. There’s not much about Downdraft that feels original but I will give Downdraft credit for including a little bit of everything. Not only is there a killer robot and a super computer and an untrustworthy general and a government coverup and a team of quirky nerds who know how to fight but there’s also a race against time to defuse a hydrogen bomb and several scenes of people having to climb rickety ladders and cross over chasms on unstable bridges. The action is impossible to follow but when there’s so much of it, it almost doesn’t matter. The main message of the movie is that humanity shouldn’t become reliant on supercomputers to run the world. It’s a good thing we all learned that lesson, right?

Vincent Spano was a good actor, even in this. Whatever happened to him? While he’s saving the world, he also finds time to fall in love with a Russian scientist played by Kate Vernon, who went from playing a key supporting role in Malcom X to starring in this. Everyone has bills to pay. That was as true in 1996 as it is today.

Retro Television Review: A Little Game (dir by Paul Wendkos)

Posted on October 2, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1971’s A Little Game. It can be viewed on YouTube!

Twelve year-old Robert Mueller (played by 13 year-old Mark Gruner, who would later go on to play one of Chief Brody’s kids in Jaws) just hasn’t been the same since his father died. Robert idolized his father, who was an architect who built bridges and reportedly pushed his workers to take a lot of dangerous risks to get the job done. Perhaps that explains why Robert is not getting along with his new stepfather, Paul Hamilton (Ed Nelson). Robert’s mother, Elaine (Diane Baker), is convinced that Robert will eventually come to accept Paul but Paul isn’t so sure.

Robert is a student at a private military academy. When he comes home for the holidays, he brings his “best friend” with him. Stu Parker (Christopher Shea) is friendly and polite but he’s also easily led and has a difficult time standing up for himself. Paul immediately sees that Robert is bullying Stu. Elaine, however, thinks that Paul is being too critical. That’s just the way boys are!

In his diary, Robert has written that he killed someone and that he’s sure that he got away with it. When Paul comes across the entry, he worries that Robert might be telling the truth. Paul goes as far as to hire a private detective (Howard Duff) to investigate whether there’s been any mysterious deaths at Robert’s school. Stu, meanwhile, explains that he and Robert sometimes play “a little game” where they imagine that best way to murder someone and get away with it. But Stu assures Paul that it’s just a game. They don’t actually kill anyone.

Is Stu telling the truth or is Robert just as dangerous as his deceased father, a man who Paul claims was a psychopath? Or is Paul himself the one who has become delusional with jealousy of his stepson?

The answer to those questions is pretty obvious from the minute that Robert and Stu show up at the house. In fact, it’s so obvious that it kind of leaves the viewer wondering how everyone else in the film could be so clueless. On the one hand, it’s understandable that Elaine would not want to admit that there is something seriously wrong with her son. On the other hand, how many times can anyone close their eyes to a very obvious truth? From the minute that Robert shows up, wearing his uniform and curtly ordering around the family’s maid (played by High Noon‘s Katy Jurado, who deserved a better role), he might as well have psychopath tattooed on his forehead.

That said, evil children movies are always somewhat effective, even the ones that are a bit too obvious in their approach. Psychologically, we’ve been conditioned to always associate children with innocence, optimism, and hope. Children are the future, so the saying goes. As such, it does carry some impact when they’re portrayed as being a force of danger. As I watched this film, I did find myself wondering if there was any hope for Robert. With all that he had done, could someone still reach him and turn him around? Or was he destined to go from being an evil child to an evil adult? It really does get to the question of whether evil is a real, almost supernatural force or if it’s something that’s created by a combination of environment and social taboos. Was Robert born evil or did he become evil? A Little Game doesn’t answer that question but I doubt that anyone could. Some questions are destined to be forever unanswered.

International Horror Film Review: Light Blast (dir by Enzo G. Castellari)

Posted on October 2, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Produced in Italy and first released in 1985, Enzo G. Castellari’s Light Blast is a hybrid of several different genres. There’s a lot of action, there’s a bit of horror, and there’s also some sci-fi. Like the majority of Italian exploitation films that came out during the 80s, it’s designed to have a little something for everyone.

Erik Estrada plays Ronn Warren, a detective with the San Francisco Police Department. (Though the film was filmed on location and it did star American television star Erik Estrada, it’s still very much an Italian production, complete with badly dubbed dialogue and clumsy attempts to capture the peculiarities of American culture.) When we first see Ronn, he’s in his underwear and he’s carrying a turkey. Two inbred criminals are trapped in a bank and they’ve taken hostages. They’ve demanded that the police provide them with dinner and that the food be delivered by someone “not wearing a stitch of clothing.” Ronn is happy to oblige, though he doesn’t go completely naked because Ronn is one of those police detectives who has trouble following orders. Of course, as soon as he gets inside the bank, Ronn proves that he doesn’t need to be fully dressed to stop the bad guys. He just needs for the bad guys to be stupid enough to continually let their guard down and fall for extremely obvious tricks.

While Ronn is showing off his physique, Dr. Yuri Svoboda (played by Enio Girolami, who is credited as Thomas Moore in this film) is planning on terrorizing the city of San Francisco. He’s developed a giant laser gun that he transports on top of a van. Whenever he shoots the laser at any digital clock, it causes people to melt and buildings to explode. His first victims are a teenage boy and girl who are having sex in an abandoned railroad car. His next victims are the innocent spectators of a stock car race. What does Dr. Svoboda want!?

It turns out that he wants a lot of money. Now, if Dr. Svoboda tried this today, I imagine the city would quickly pay up and Dr. Svoboda would be given a police escort to the airport. But this film was made in the 20th Century, back when people were still willing to fight back against mad scientists with lethal death rays! Soon, Ronn Warren is running around San Francisco, battling Dr. Svoboda’s henchmen while trying not to get melted himself. And, of course, it would not be a movie about San Francisco if there wasn’t at least Bullitt-inspired car chase. For this chase, Ronn steals a stock car and chases the bad guys throughout the city. Whenever anyone gets in Ronn’s way, he and the car just jump over them while the film’s synth-heavy musical score goes appropriately crazy.

What to say about Light Blast? It’s a bit of a dumb movie but, to its credit, it doesn’t take itself too seriously. The melting effects are both so grotesque and so obviously fake that you won’t know whether to laugh or to scream. Castellari keeps the action moving quickly and Estrada delivers all of his lines through gritted teeth, an indication that both of them knew better than to worry about things like logic or motivation. Why Dr. Svoboda melting people? Because he wants to. How can he somehow get away with driving around in a van that has a very obvious laser gun on top of it? There wouldn’t be a film otherwise. That’s just the way Light Blast is. It’s stupid but it’s so unapologetic in its stupidity that it’s hard not to be entertained.