October Hacks: The Majorettes (dir by Bill Hinzman)

Posted on October 12, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

1987’s The Majorettes takes place in a small town in Pennsylvania. It’s the type of town where everyone follows the high school football team, everyone goes to church on Sunday, and everyone admires the baton-twirling high school majorettes, even more so than the cheerleaders.

Unfortunately, it appears that someone is murdering the majorettes, one-by-one. The first majorette victim is murdered while out on a date with Tommy, the class nerd. (Poor old Tommy is killed as well.) Her body is left in a creek. The second victim is killed while lounging in front of her swimming pool. The third victim is killed in the shower. Detective Roland Martell (Cal Hetrick) thinks that the murders are linked to some sort of purification ritual. Sheriff Braden (Mark V. Jivicky) says that he agrees but he doesn’t really have much time to worry about motives. Braden’s dismissal of Martell could be due to the fact that Braden is a deeply religious man who we first see observing a creek baptism and singing a gospel song. Meanwhile, Martell is an agnostic who is having an affair with a teenage girl named Nicole (Jacqueline Bowman).

Who could be the murderer? Could it be Harry (Harold K. Keller), the slow-witted handyman who is always watching the majorettes while they’re practicing and who peeps on them and takes pictures while they’re changing in the locker room?

Could it be Harry’s mother, Helga (Denise Huot)? Helga is a nurse who is plotting to murder both majorette Vicky McAlister (Terrie Godfrey) and her grandmother as a part of her plot to inherit the McAlister fortune. But just because Helga is planning to kill one majorette, that doesn’t necessarily mean that she killed the others.

Or could the murderer be the school’s resident dope dealer, Mace (Tom E. Desrocher)? Mace spends most of his time hanging out with his gang in their trailer, which is decorated with Confederate flags and 666 graffiti. Mace was seen with the first victim and quarterback Jeff Holloway (Kevin Kindlin) is pretty sure that Mace was responsible for the murder. When Jeff goes to the police, Mace decides to go after Jeff.

Anyone of them could be the murderer. I won’t spoil the killer’s identity, beyond telling you that we learn who the killer is about halfway through the film. And once the killer is known, The Majorettes goes from being a high school slasher film to being a backwoods action/revenge film, complete with shotguns being fired, vehicles blowing up, and Jeff the clean-cut quarterback suddenly running around with an arsenal of weapons. Ultimately, The Majorettes feels like 3 different movies in one, with moments of horror balanced with scenes of Lifetime-style melodrama and Cannon-style action. To be honest, the entire film is a bit silly but there’s enough twists and turns to hold one’s interest. It’s hard not to enjoy the film’s “just toss it all in” approach to storytelling.

The Majorettes was based on a novel by John Russo, who is also credited as one of the screenwriters on Night of the Living Dead. The film itself was directed by Bill Hinzman, who played the first zombie to show up in Romero’s classic film. There’s not much visual flair to Hinzman’s direction but he keeps the action moving and really, that’s the most important thing that one can do with a film like The Majorettes.

The TSL Horror Grindhouse: Creature From Black Lake (dir by Joy N. Houck, Jr.)

Posted on October 12, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

It’s Bigfoot time!

1976’s Creature From Black Lake tells the story of two students at the University of Chicago. Pahoo (Dennis Fimple) and Rives (John David Carson) decide that they want to spend their Spring Break on the Arkansas/Louisiana border, researching the legend that a Bigfoot-like creature that lives in the bayous. (The creature is obviously based on the legendary Fouke Monster, who was also the subject of the 1972 documentary, The Legend of Boggy Creek.)

Pahoo and Rives head down South, looking to interview anyone who has seen the Creature From Black Lake. Some people are willing to talk to them and they tell stories involving the Creature causing cars to crash, killing dogs, and attacking fisherman. The Creature does not sound nice at all. Still, the majority of the people in town don’t really feel like opening up to two Yankee monster hunters. They’re worried that Pahoo and Rives are only in town because they want to portray everyone as being a bunch of ignorant rednecks who are scared of things that go bump in the night.

And really, they have every right to be concerned. I grew up all over the South and the Southwest. My family briefly lived in Fouke, the home of the Fouke Monster. (No, I never saw or heard the monster, mostly because the monster doesn’t exist.) When I was a kid, I lived in both Louisiana and Arkansas, among other states. From my own personal experience, I can tell you that there is no one more condescending than a Northerner who is visiting the South for the very first time. “Why is it so hot?” “Why is everyone down here so polite?” “Why can’t I find a Wawa!?” Seriously, it gets old really quickly. Now, to their credit, Pahoo and Rives are actually pretty polite and considerate when talking to the people who think that they have seen the Creature From Black Lake. But still, one can understand why the town isn’t exactly thrilled to have them asking about monsters.

Anyway, after interviewing both Jack Elam and Dub Taylor about their experiences with the monster and getting yelled at by the local sheriff (played by Bill Thurman), Pahoo and Rives head out to the local swamp, hoping to find the creature themselves. That, of course, turns out to be a huge mistake on their part.

Creature From Black Lake is a deliberately-paced film, which is a polite way of saying that it’s a bit slow. Obviously inspired by The Legend of Boggy Creek, a good deal of the film is taken up with scenes of Pahoo and Rives interviewing people about their encounters with the monster. That said, the film definitely picks up when Pahoo and Rives head into the swamp themselves and their eventual meeting with the monster is well-directed. I have to admit that I spent this entire film dreading the moment when it would be revealed that the Monster was actually misunderstood and peaceful and I appreciated that the film did not go that route. The creature turns out to be no one’s friend and is genuinely menacing.

The cast is full of familiar county character actors, all of whom do a good job bringing their characters to life. Dennis Fimple and John David Carson are likable as the two students. This film was also an early credit for cinematographer Dean Cudney and, just as he would later do for John Carpenter, Cudney creates a perfectly ominous atmosphere of isolation. Creature From Black Lake may start out slow but, ultimately, it’s an effective creature feature.

Scary Bride (2020, directed by Dan Grin)

Posted on October 12, 2023 by Jedadiah Leland

Anthony (Vitt Ray) is a loser living in Minnesota who cannot get over his ex-girlfriend. He decides to do what his neighbor did and fly over to Russia so he can search for a woman who is desperate to get married. Anthony’s trip to Russia starts out promising enough, with a meeting with a helpful cab driver and a trip to a dance club where Anthony meets the beautiful Nina (Evgeniya Yarushnikova). But then Nina turns out to be a witch who literally wants to take way Anthony’s balls. After putting a curse on him, Nina chases Anthony through Moscow, while Anthony searches for anyone who can remove the curse.

This film’s plot is pretty much a one-joke premise. Anthony even breaks the fourth wall and says, “Sometimes, it’s better to look for a bride in your own country.” The movie plays with the stereotype that you can get anything you’re looking for in Moscow, if you know the right people. (Needless to say, this film was made before Russia’s invasion of Ukraine.) What’s interesting is the film itself is a Russian film so the humor is less about Russia being a dangerous place and more about how stupid Americans like Anthony are for coming over in search of a bride. This is a Russian film that tells the rest of the world to stay out of Russia.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t take long for that one-joke premise to get old. Anthony is not a likable hero. The witch could have done better. The version that’s on Tubi is dubbed into English and it is some of the worst voicework that I’ve ever heard, with Anthony in particular getting a deep voice that does not at all go along with his character. Even though they were supposed to be residents of Minnesota, Anthony’s neighbor is dubbed with a British accent and keeps calling everyone “mate.” Evgeniya Yarushnikova is beautiful enough that it is easy to believe that any man would fall under her spell but the rest of the movie is just the same joke told over and over again.

October True Crime: Dahmer (dir by David Jacobson)

Posted on October 12, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

2002’s Dahmer opens in a chocolate factory. As the opening credits role, the camera lingers over the machinery effectively pouring, molding, and wrapping chocolate. Much like the human body, the machines are set to do everything efficiently and automatically. The only reason anyone works at the factory is to keep an eye on the machines and to make sure that they don’t break down.

A new worker at the factory is introduced to a veteran of the machines, a friendly guy named Jeffrey (Jeremy Renner, in his first starring role). Jeffrey shows the new guy how the machines work and he flashes a somewhat friendly smile. He seems like a nice enough human being.

But, of course, we know different. We know what the title of this film is and, therefore, we know that the smiling man at the factory is also an infamous serial killer and cannibal named Jeffrey Dahmer. We know enough to be nervous when, in the very next scene, Dahmer is in a department store and asking a young man (Dion Basco) if he wants to come back to Dahmer’s apartment so that Dahmer can take some pictures of him. The man agrees and we watch as Dahmer drugs the man and then drills into the man’s head. When the man, in a dazed state, manages to get out of the apartment, the police respond by returning him to Dahmer.

The film flashes back and fourth, between Dahmer’s life as an alcoholic cannibal in Minneapolis and his adolescence as a gay teenager from a dysfunctional family. In the past, Dahmer steals a mannequin from a department store, tries to hide his homicidal urges from his confused, if well-meaning, father (Bruce Davison), and picks up the hitchhiker who will become his first victim. In the present, Dahmer invites a man named Rodney (Artel Great) back to his apartment but, instead of automatically killing him, Dahmer instead talks to him about being alienated and shunned by society, almost as if Dahmer is trying to justify his own abhorrent actions to a future victim. Rodney proves to be a bit more intuitive than Dahmer realized.

In many ways, the structure is similar to Ryan Murphy’s recently Netflix miniseries about Dahmer. Many of the same incidents are detailed, including the time that Dahmer’s father demanded to see what Dahmer was hiding in a box. Of course, Dahmer manages to tell the complete story in under two hours while Murphy, for some reason, dragged things out to ten episodes. If Murphy’s miniseries sometimes came dangerously close to making excuses for Dahmer’s crime, David Jacobson’s film leaves us with no doubt that Jeffrey Dahmer was a monster. In the film, Dahmer spends his time with Rodney trying to justify his anger and his murderous impulses, just for Rodney to continually shoot him down. If Murphy’s miniseries often seemed to be too stylized for its own good, Jacobson’s film is directed in a near-documentary fashion, with the grainy and harsh images creating a pervasive atmosphere of evil. The film may explain the motives behind Dahmer’s crimes but it never attempts to excuse them.

Of course, today, Dahmer is mostly known for being an early film of Jeremy Renner’s. This was Renner’s first starring role and he received an Independent Spirit nomination for his performance here. (As well, Kathryn Bigelow cast Renner in The Hurt Locker on the basis of his performance.) Renner gives a haunting and frightening peformance, playing Dahmer as someone who suspects that his murderous impulses are wrong but who has given up trying to control them. As played by Renner, Dahmer is friendly and good-looking enough that one can understand why people were willing to go back to his apartment but, at the same time, there’s always something a bit off about him. Even when he’s surrounded by people, Renner plays Dahmer as someone who knows that he’s destined to be forever alone.

Dahmer is a haunting portrayal of evil.

Horror Film Review: Meandre (dir by Mathieu Turi)

Posted on October 12, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The 2020 French film, Meandre, opens with a woman named Lisa (Gaia Weiss) lying in the middle of the road, as if specifically begging someone to drive up and run her over.

When a man named Adam (Peter Franzen) approaches in his car, Lisa makes a last minute decision to get out of the car’s way. Adam stops the car and offers Lisa a lift to wherever she wants to go. Lisa accepts his offer and, as they drive through the night, Lisa reveals that today would have been the ninth birthday of her daughter, Nina. Adam, who has a cross tattooed on his wrist, appears to be sympathetic. However, then a report comes over the radio about a serial killer who is murdering hitchhikers and who has a cross tattooed on his wrist. Realizing that Lisa now knows that he’s a murderer, Adam slams down on the brakes and throws Lisa against the dashboard, knocking her out.

When Lisa wakes up …. well, Adam is nowhere to be seen. In fact, neither is the car. Now wearing a white, skin-tight uniform, Lisa is in a small room. She has a device on her wrist. She has no idea where she is or how she got there. She appears to be a prisoner but she doesn’t know why or who is holding her in captivity. Suddenly, a door slides open, revealing a narrow tunnel.

Lisa spends the majority of the movie crawling from one location to another. It’s never made quite clear just where exactly she is but it’s a place that’s full of tunnels, bobby traps, and the occasional rotting corpse. Whenever the device on her wrist starts to beep, the viewer knows that something bad is about to happen to Lisa and she’s going to have to either avoid fire or sharp blades or being crushed as the walls of the tunnel suddenly come together. Eventually, she also has to deal with a bizarre creature that chases her through the tunnels. Through it all, she thinks that she can hear the voice of her daughter….

For me, Meandre got off to a good start by featuring a main character named Lisa. Seriously, with a movie like this, it’s very important to be able to relate to the main character and, as soon as I found out that she shared my first name, I was totally on Lisa’s side. That said, Gaia Weiss gives such a strong performance that even people who are not named Lisa will be rooting for the character. The viewer sincerely wants Lisa to not only survive the traps but also discover why and where she is being held prisoner. Meanwhile, Peter Franzen gives an appropriately intimidating performance as Adam (who does make a return appearance to the film after the incident in the car), alternating between being friendly and murderous.

I was not a huge fan of the film’s ending, which felt a bit too obscure and new agey for its own good. But, ending aside, Meandre is an effective and claustrophobic horror film, featuring an excellent lead performance from Gaia Weiss.

Horror Film Review: The Deeper You Dig (dir by John Adams, Zelda Adams, and Toby Poser)

Posted on October 12, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Released in 2019, The Deeper You Dig tells the story of three people who live in one of those rural states where it never seems to stop snowing.

Kurt (John Adams) is a recluse who lives in a farmhouse and who goes out of his way to avoid contact with the outside world. It only takes a minute or two of watching him to pick up on the fact that he’s haunted by something that happened in his past and now, he wants to spend his life separated from the rest of the world, except for when he goes out to the local bar.

Living nearby is Ivy (Toby Poser), who was once a legitimate psychic but who now makes her living by doing fake Tarot card readings. Residing with Ivy is her 14 year-old daughter, Echo (Zelda Adams). Echo, as one might expect from someone who grew up in less than conventional surroundings, is a bit of a proud eccentric. She wears black lipstick, she listens to old music, and she enjoys hunting and sledding through the constantly falling snow. Echo, to be honest, is extremely cool. When I was 14, I probably would have wanted to hang out with Echo.

Unfortunately, being the coolest girl in town does not always protect you from bad things happening. (I’ve been the coolest girl in multiple towns so I definitely know what I’m talking about here.) One night, after he’s gone out to the local bar and had a bit too much to drink, Kurt swerves his car to avoid running over a deer. The deer survives but, unfortunately, Kurt runs over Echo! The panicked Kurt decides to bury Echo on his property.

Soon, Kurt is gripped by paranoia. Despite the fact that he’s buried her, Echo keeps appearing to him and reminding him that he killed her and that she’s going to get her revenge. He keeps hearing the old music that Echo liked. Kurt’s attempt to move the body around doesn’t do anything to help the situation. In fact, if anything, it makes thing worse. Meanwhile, Ivy is searching for daughter….

The Deeper You Dig takes a few unexpected turns, as Echo goes from simply haunting Kurt to literally starting to possess him and one of the more interesting things about this film is watching the taciturn and middle-aged Kurt start to act like an angry 14 year-old girl. Playing out in a no-nonsense and no frills style, the film does a good job of keeping you guessing as to whether or not John is truly seeing and being possessed by Echo or if his own guilt is pushing him over the edge.

As you can probably guess by the number of people involved with the last name of Adams, The Deeper You Dig is a family affair. John Adams and Toby Poser are married and Zelda Adams is their daughter. (Another daughter who regularly appears in their films was away at college when Deeper You Dig was filmed.) All three of them collaborated on the film’s direction and the end result is a rather chilly ghost story that plays out at its own deliberate pace but which definitely sticks with you after it ends.

Horror Film Review: The Screaming Skull (dir by Alex Nicol)

Posted on October 12, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

1958’s The Screaming Skull opens with a promise. If you die of fright while watching the climax of this movie, you will be given a free burial. It’s a nice promise, though I have my doubts as to whether or not it would still be honored 65 years after it was made. I mean, who exactly would be paying for the burial at this point? It’s probably a moot point as I don’t think anyone would die of fright while watching the climax of The Screaming Skull.

That’s not to say that The Screaming Skull is a bad movie. Though the film does not have a great reputation amongst film historians, I actually really enjoyed The Screaming Skull when I watched it a few weeks ago. It’s an atmospheric and gothic horror film, one that mixes ghosts with hints of paranoia and insanity. That said, it’s not really a frightening movie, at least not by today’s standards. I think your heart will be fine while watching The Screaming Skull.

The Screaming Skull tells the story of Jenni (Peggy Webber), who has just recently been released from a mental hospital. She had a nervous breakdown following the death of her parents in a drowning accident. The tragedy left Jenni very wealthy but also very emotionally fragile. She has just married Eric (John Hudson), a young widower whose first wife, Marion, died when she fell into a decorative pond on their estate and drowned. Jenni fears that she’ll never be able to live up to Eric’s memories of Marion and it doesn’t help that Eric’s handyman, Mickey (played by the film’s director, Alex Nicol), was apparently in love with Marion and is very protective of her memory. Marion’s portrait still hangs in the house and Jenni immediately sees that Marion looks a lot like her late mother.

Soon, Jenni thinks that she’s hearing screams in the middle of the night and she starts to see skulls almost everywhere that she looks. Eric insists that Jenni is just letting her imagination get the better of her but Mickey is just as adamant that Marion’s ghost haunts the estate. Eric even agrees to burn Marion’s portrait but doing so just reveals another skull sitting in the ashes. Is Marion’s ghost haunting Jenni or is something else happening at the estate? Who can Jenni trust?

Independently-made, The Screaming Skull is very much a horror film of the late 1950s, which means lots of tight sweaters, pointy brassieres, translucent nightgowns, and shadowy rooms, along with an important supporting character (played by Ross Conway) who just happens to be a minister and whose main job is to assure the audience that everything is going to be alright. It’s a film that creates an effectively creepy atmosphere and Peggy Webber gives a sympathetic and likable performance in the lead role. Most viewers will probably be able to guess the big twist within minutes of the film starting but no matter. This is an enjoyably simple haunted house film and suspense thriller. The Screaming Skull is not a film that exactly has a sterling reputation but I really enjoyed it.

Even more importantly, I made it through the film without having to take advantage of that free burial service! I’m proud of myself.

Horror on the Lens: Dementia (dir by John Parker)

Posted on October 12, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Today’s Horror on the Len is 1955’s Dementia, an experimental horror film without dialogue. The film follows a young woman (Adrienne Barrett) over the course of one surreal and nightmarish night on Los Angeles’s skid row.

Despite an opening endorsement from no less a Hollywood luminary as Preston Sturges, audiences in 1955 were not sure what to make of this dream-like film. However, it has since been rediscovered and reappreciated by audiences who appreciate the film’s surreal vision.

October Positivity: Uncommon (dir by Bill Rahn)

Posted on October 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The 2015 film, Uncommon, opens with narration from Marc Garcia (Erik Estrada), a high school maintence worker. Marc tells us that he’s seen a lot at his school. He’s seen many changes. He’s watched as school has gone from a home away from home to a frightening place where students come to class carrying bullet-proof backpacks. He wonders what has caused the change in school. He suggests that it all started in 1962, when the Supreme Court ruled the school prayer was a violation of the separation of church and state….

And let’s just stop right there.

On the one hand, I do think that, for a growing number of people, there’s a feeling that their life has no purpose and that their existence is empty and meaningless. Some people would say that’s because our increasingly online world has left people unsure of how to relate to one another and express their emotions. Some people would say that’s because of the decline of religion. Some would say that’s because society is obsessed with fame. Regardless of the reason, when you feel that your life has no purpose, it is undoubtedly a lot easier to justify doing things that, in the past, would have been unthinkable.

That said, when it comes to prayer in public, state-funded schools, the Supreme Court made absolutely the right and the Constitutional decision. Separation of church and state is one of the most important amendments to be found in the Constitution. Not only does it prevent the State from telling you what to believe, it also prevents the State from ordering you what not to believe. If you think the government has a tendency toward being authoritarian now, just imagine what it would be like if they could claim that they were passing the laws of God.

Believe it or not, this is relevant to the film because Uncommon is all about the separation of church and state. As you may have already guessed, the film’s opinion is the opposite of mine.

Uncommon does open strongly, with Aaron (Ben Davies) helplessly watching as a gunman shoots up his school. His brother dies in the shooting and Aaron transfers to another high school. While attending church, Aaron meets and befriend Mike Garcia. Mike recruits Aaron and his friend, Drew (Wesley Elder), to volunteer at the local assisted living facility.

Meanwhile, at Aaron’s new school, budget cuts have led the principal to announcing that there is no more money to fund the Drama Department or the choir. The drama kids freak out, especially Hailey (Courtney Buck). Hailey was counting on getting a theater scholarship to college but how is that going to happen without a theater department!? Eventually, Hailey and the theater kid come up with a clever idea. They’ll start a drama club and just put on a show themselves! But they have to find a faculty sponsor and all of the teachers are busy. Hey, how about Mike Garcia? Mike agrees, on the condition that the drama club also help out at the assistant living facility.

Meanwhile, Aaron wants to start a bible study group. Mr. Stevens (Don Brooks), the atheist social studies teacher, throws a fit and announces that the school cannot sponsor a bible study group. To be honest, it seems like the easy solution would be for Aaron to just do his bible study group off school grounds but whatever.

Anyway, Mike introduces Aaron to the Drama kids and Aaron agrees to write their school play, which is based on stories from the Bible and…. well, you can see where this is going, right? Again, Mr. Stevens throws a fit. The school board announces that the school cannot sponsor a religious play. Mike somehow knows a lawyer who files a lawsuit on the behalf of the drama club. Somehow, the drama kids win their lawsuit and they perform their show. We only see the first musical number, in which the kids sing that “You got to have faith,” which would seem to prove that Mr. Stevens was right about the show being intended to push religion on the audience.

When people talk about preachy religious films that beat their audience over the head with their message, they’re talking about films like Uncommon. Uncommon is a very earnest film but, in the end, it’s mostly just a case of wish fulfillment. Despite the fact that there’s no way that the drama club should have been allowed to put on their show at the high school, they were. Why? Because this film wanted them to be able to. But, in the end, Mr. Stevens was right. Mr. Stevens was obnoxious and hateful but, when he said that a public school can’t put on a show that promotes one religion over another, he was absolutely correct.

Beyond the film’s theological and legal arguments, Uncommon is also a poorly-acted film that is full of corny humor. The drama kids are so overdramatic. The old people are so quirky. It gets old pretty quickly. Erik Estrada was a lot more fun when he was starring in Guns.

The TSL Horror Grindhouse: Things (dir by Andrew Jordan)

Posted on October 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Things is a low-budget, independently-made horror film from 1989.

Things tells the story of Don (Barry J. Gillis) and Fred (Bruce Roach), two gentlemen with mullets who decide to drop by the house of Don’s brother, Doug (Doug Bunston). When they arrives at the house, they’re surprised to find that Doug is nowhere to be seen.

“Doug, are you here?” Don asks, “Doug, are you alive?”

Don and Fred decide to raid the refrigerator in search of beer. Inside the refrigerator, they find a book by Aleister Crowley and a tape recorder. They decide to listen to the tape, which was a huge mistake because, when you’re starring in a crappy horror film, the last thing you want to do is remind the viewer of a different, better horror film. As they played the tape, I thought to myself, “Don’t mention Evil Dead, don’t mention Evil Dead….”

“Hey,” Don said, “this is like that movie where those weird things happened….”

Anyway, Doug finally makes an appearance and orders them to stop making so much noise. His wife is trying to sleep. She’s been exhausted because she and Doug have been working with the mad Doctor Lucas (Jan W. Pachul) in an attempt to conceive a child. Unfortunately, Lucas’s experiments have led to Susan giving birth to several insect-like monsters, which promptly attempt to eat Doug, Don, and Fred.

Things is such a Canadian film that I actually had to pause the movie after about ten minutes so that I could put on one of Jeff’s hockey jerseys and watch the film in proper style. Don and Fred are just two regular guys who want to show off their guts and drink some beer. Indeed, it’s debatable whether or not Don and Fred are as upset about the killer monsters as they are about the fact that Doug doesn’t have much beer left in the refrigerator. For his part, Don sports both a formidable mullet and truck driver mustache. He looks like he can’t wait to head back to Toronto as soon as the problem with all of the killer monsters are taken care of.

Things has a reputation for being one of the worst horror films ever made and …. well, it’s certainly not a good film. The film takes a few stabs at Robocop-style social commentary by casting porn star Amber Lynn as a news reader who appears at random moments and announces that there’s been a power failure in New York and that George Romero is heading to the Supreme Court in his attempt to establish his ownership of Night of the Living Dead. We’re also promised a story about the presidency of George H.W. Bush and the growing possibility of nuclear war. Unfortunately, these scenes don’t add much to the film but they do provide a diversion from listening to Don and Fred attempt to have an articulate conversation. Even if one can accept the bad acting (and sometimes, when it comes to indie horror films, you have to be ready to accept a few awkwardly delivered lines), the film itself is so poorly lit that it’s often difficult to tell what’s actually happening on screen. Perhaps Things’s biggest problem is that, unless you really enjoy listening to two grown men argue about whether or not there’s any beer left, Things is just a boring movie. It’s developed a cult reputation, largely due to being riffed on by the Rifftraxx crew, but I would be shocked to find anyone who has actually watched the film more than once. Things is not The Room. It’s not even Birdemic.

That said, the film did end with the suggestion that the whole thing might have just been a dream and I appreciated that. It was a solution that made about as much sense as anything else in the film.