Author Archives: Lisa Marie Bowman

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Friday the 13th: The Series 1.16 “Tattoo”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!

This week, a pair of tattoo needles cause trouble!

Episode 1.16 “Tattoo”

(Dir by Lyndon Chubbuck, originally aired on March 7th, 1988)

Tommy Chen (Leonard Chow) is a first generation Chinese-American who has a gambling problem.  He owes several thousand dollars to the local gangsters and his grandfather, Lum Chen (Keye Luke), is no longer willing to help cover his costs.

However, Tommy thinks that he’s found the perfect solution for his problems.  He has two cursed tattoo needles.  All he has to do is tattoo something on someone’s body.  That tattoo will come to life and, as long as the tattooed person dies, Tommy will win whatever game that he’s playing.  With a gangster demanding that he pay his debts by the end of the night, Tommy is going from gambling den to gambling den, drawing tattoos and making money.  Unfortunately, he owes so much that almost every dollar that he makes is taken away from him as soon as he receives it.

And, of course, he also has Ryan, Micki, and Jack trying to track him down as well.

I had mixed feelings about this episode.  On the one hand, the tattoo needles are a totally impractical weapon because Tommy, who is a little bit on the small side, has to find a way to get his victims to lie still and not resist while he tattoos him.  His first victim is a half-conscious woman at an Opium den and that’s at least believable.  But, by the time Tommy is tattooing a gangster, you have to wonder if there isn’t a more practical way for him to make money.

On the other hand, the sight of the tattoos coming to life and crawling (or slithering) up their victims is definitely a frightening one.  One tattoo turns into a giant spider.  Another turns into a coral snake.  One tattoo turns into a fist that bursts out of someone’s chest.  (That made me jump.)  The needles may be impractical but if you have a thing about spiders and snakes (as I do), it really won’t matter.  They’re too frightening for the viewer to spend too much time worrying about the logic of how they actually work.

Fortunately, Ryan and Jack are able to recover the needles and use them to kill the latest tattoo before it can claim a victim.  Unfortunately for Tommy, he’s playing Russian roulette at the time.  Even more unfortunately for Micki, she’s standing close enough to get splattered by blood when Tommy’s gun turns out to have a bullet in the chamber.  I have to admit that I’ve never gotten the appeal of Russian roulette.  I’ve always assumed it must be a guy thing.  Myself, I see the gun being traded back and forth and I say, “Yikes!”

Next week, a cursed electric chair falls into the hands of a dentist …. AGCK!

Retro Television Reviews: T and T 2.14 “The Contender”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990.  The show can be found on Tubi!

This week, T.S Turner returns to the ring!

Episode 2.14 “The Contender”

(Dir by Alan Simmonds, originally aired on February 13th, 1989)

T.S. Turner meets Kevin Hart!

No, not that Kevin Hart.

Instead, the Kevin Hart in this show is a boxer and he’s played by an actor named Phillip Jarrett.  (Kevin Hart, I immediately, noticed was very handsome for someone who made his living getting punched in the face by professionals.  I checked with the imdb and I was not surprised to learn that Phillip Jarrett was a model before he went into acting.)  Kevin Hart is a contender for the championship but his trainer has vanished.  With the big fight coming up, Hart’s manager asks T.S. Turner to train him for the fight.

Kevin Hart turns out to be a boxer with an attitude.  He shows up at Decker’s Gym with his entourage and is miffed to discover that Turner is running late.  “What does T.S. stand for?” Hart demands to know, “Too Stupid?”

“Temporarily Sorry,” Turner says as he steps into the gym.

“Temporarily?”

“Yeah,” Turner growls, “I was sorry but now I’m not.”

Turner works hard to train Hart.  Or, at least, it appears that he works hard.  For the most part, we just see a montage of Hart doing physical stuff while Turner yells at him.  Despite Turner’s efforts, Hart doesn’t even seem to care about the fight.  He does care when someone takes a shot at him in the gym.  Pressured by Turner, Hart finally confesses that he agreed to take a dive.  He also says that all of his other fights were fixed as well.  That’s why his former trainer ran away.  He didn’t want to be involved with a boxer who was owned by the Canadian Mafia.

Turner doesn’t have any time for that attitude.  He tells Hart that he has the talent to win the fight on his own.  He also tells Hart that it’s time to fight like a man and win.  Inspired by Turner’s words, Hart does just that.  By the end of the show, Hart is the champ.  I imagine he’s got the mob after him now but oh well.  I mean, Sonny Liston reportedly upset the mob and he still managed to live a full and exciting life until his mysterious death at the age of 40.  So, I’m sure boxing’s Kevin Hart will be fine and maybe, some day, he’ll change his mind about hosting the Oscars.

The way to make watching this episode entertaining is to pretend that Mr. T was playing Clubber Lang and not T.S Turner.  Apparently, in an early draft of his script for Rocky Balboa, Sylvester Stallone wrote a scene in which it would be revealed the Lang changed his ways and became a preacher after losing his rematch with Rocky.  So, this episode of T and T — and really, the entire series — works best as Clubber Lang fan fiction.  As Rocky said at the end of Rocky IV, “Everybody can change!”

Live Tweet Alert: Join #FridayNightFlix For The Taking Of Pelham One Two Three!

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

As some of our regular readers undoubtedly know, I am involved in a few weekly live tweets on Twitter and Mastodon.  I host #FridayNightFlix every Friday, I co-host #ScarySocial on Saturday, and I am one of the five hosts of #MondayActionMovie!  Every week, we get together.  We watch a movie.  We tweet our way through it.

Tonight, at 10 pm et, Robert Shaw, Walter Matthau, and Martin Balsam star in 1974’s The Taking of Pelham One Two Three!

If you want to join us this Friday, just hop onto twitter, start the movie at 10 pm et, and use the #FridayNightFlix hashtag!  It’s a friendly group and welcoming of newcomers so don’t be shy.

The Taking of Pelham One Two Three is available on Prime!  See you there!

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Highway to Heaven 1.18 “A Child of God”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

For this week’s rather sad episode, Jonathan confronts a reverend who has lost his way.

Episode 1.18 “A Child of God”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on February 6th, 1985)

After spending years away, Marsha Stearns (Coleen Maloney) has returned home.  She wants her parents, Sarah Stearns (Patricia Smith) and Rev. David Stearns (William Window), to take care of her young daughter, Amy (Natalie Gregory).  The Reverend Stearns wants nothing to do with Marsha or his granddaughter because Amy was born out of wedlock.  He considers Marsha to be an embarrassment to his church and a sinner who cannot be forgiven.

(Yikes!  It looks like Rev. Stearns kind of missed all of the important stuff dealing with forgiveness.  “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven.”  That’s Luke 6:37.)

What neither the Reverend nor his wife knows is that Marsha is terminally ill and only has a few weeks to live.  However, Marsha’s new neighbor — Jonathan Smith — does know and he confronts the Reverend and rather forcefully denounces him until Reverend Stearns forgives her daughter and visits her in the hospital right before she dies.

This was a pretty sad episode and it did bring some tears to my eyes, largely because it made me think about my mom.  That said, the most interesting thing about this episode was how angry Jonathan got at Reverend Stearns and his unforgiving attitude.  For the past 17 episodes, Jonathan has been a mellow and peaceful angel who has always recognized that everyone has some good in them.  But in this episode, when he confronts the Reverend, there is no way not to notice that Jonathan is truly pissed off.  For once, Jonathan doesn’t even hide the fact that he’s an angel.  He wants Rev. Stearns to know that he’s in trouble with Jonathan’s boss.  And really, it makes sense.  Why wouldn’t Jonathan be especially angry at a reverend who is failing in his duties?  He and Jonathan both work for the same company and Jonathan obviously sees the Reverend’s attitude as being a personal insult.  Jonathan is working hard and Rev. Stearns is screwing everything up.

Rev. Stearns does learn his lesson and embraces humility, though that doesn’t make up for all of the years that he refused to even acknowledge his granddaughter’s existence.  The episode ends with him giving a rather lengthy sermon, in which he suggests that maybe he got to hung up on the whole idea of condemning sin when he should have been focusing on loving everyone.  It’s a bit of a dull ending.  William Windom has the right look for the role but, whenever he has to pretend to preach, he comes across as being a bit dry and stiff.  Fortunately, Coleen Maloney is much more convincing and poignant as his estranged daughter.

Next week …. Scotty returns!

4 Shots From 4 Films: Special Tobe Hooper Edition

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!

Today, on what would have been his 81st birthday, the Shattered Lens pays tribute to Texas’s own, Tobe Hooper!

The Austin hippie who redefined horror and left thousands of yankees terrified of driving through South Texas, Tobe Hooper often struggled to duplicate both the critical and the box office success of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  It’s only been in the years since his death that many critics and viewers have come to truly appreciate his unique and subversive vision.

Down here, in Texas, we always believed in him.

It’s time for….

4 Shots From 4 Tobe Hooper Films

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974, dir by Tobe Hooper, DP: Daniel Pearl)

The Funhouse (1981, dir by Tobe Hooper. DP: Andrew Laszlo)

Poltergeist (1982, dir by Tobe Hooper, DP: Matthew F. Leonetti)

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986, dir by Tobe Hooper. DP: Richard Kooris)

Scenes That I Love: Charlie Comes Up With An Acronym in Whit Stillman’s Metropolitan

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

The Shattered Lens wishes a happy birthday to director Whit Stillman!

Today’s scene that I love comes from Stillman’s first film, 1990’s Metropolitan.  In this scene, Charlie (Taylor Nichols) explains why UHB is a much better term for their social class than preppy.  As usual, Nick (Chris Eigeman) is there to provide support in his own unique way.  Nichols and Eigeman were both perfectly cast in this film.

Retro Television Reviews: Acting Sheriff 1.1 “Pilot”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Acting Sheriff, which aired on CBS in 1991.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Who is Brent McCord?

Why, he’s the acting sheriff!

Episode 1.1 “Pilot”

(Dir by Michael Lembeck, originally aired on August 17th, 1991)

At a small country jail in North Carolina, the staff is waiting the arrival of the new sheriff.

Dispatcher Helen Munson (Ruth Kobart) is grumpy and sarcastic, as all older characters were required to be in 1990s sitcoms.

Deputy Judith Mahoney (Diane Delano) is a blonde badass who can’t wait to enforce the law and lock up every criminal that she sees, despite the fact that there aren’t many criminals to be found in this small, rural county.

Deputy Mike Swanson (John Putch) is the smart, responsible deputy who ran for sheriff in the last election but lost, despite his years of hard work and his likability.

Who is the new sheriff?  Why, he’s Brent McCord (Robert Goulet), a former Hollywood star who went from starring in films like Get Al Capone and A Fistful of Courage to appearing in books with titles like Where Are They Now?  Brent once was a huge star but, after several failed television shows and a handful of divorces, he has returned home and …. run for sheriff, for some reason.

When he does show up at the jail, Brent swaggers around like John Wayne and says things like, “Is the slime infecting the streets waiting for me?”  Brent McCord doesn’t know anything about being a county sheriff but he does know how to act like a character in a movie.  He walks into the station, draws his gun, and accidentally fires it.

Deputy District Attorney Donna Singer (Hilary B. Smith) is not happy about the new sheriff.  She tells him that, “Someone should put a tent over you and charge admission!”  She’s even less happy when a banker robber (Lee Tergesen) escapes from the jail, largely due to the sheriff’s incompetence.  Fortunately, Deputy Mike remembers a scene from Get Al Capone where McCord’s character recaptured a bank robber by leaving more money around for him to steal.  Following the same strategy, Mike recaptures the bank robber but he allows Sheriff McCord to have all the credit.  Mike’s a good guy who doesn’t hold a grudge over a silly thing like losing an election to a B-actor.

This pilot, which was produced by Disney for CBS, aired once and that was it.  It didn’t lead to anymore episodes and, watching the pilot, it’s easy to see why.  The pilot struggles to combine the relatively realistic portrayal of a county jail with the over-the-top performance of Robert Goulet.  Occasionally, Goulet will get a laugh by delivering his pompous lines in the most self-serious manner possible.  But, far too often, the character is so cartoonish that the other actors don’t seem to know how to keep up with Goulet’s hammy performance.  (At times, Goulet seems to be copying William Shatner’s technique without any of Shatner’s charm.)  Probably the biggest problem is that pilot fails to answer the most obvious question that one would have while watching the show.  Why did Brent McCord run for sheriff?  Does he want to do a good job or was he just bored?  Does he care about the county or did he just want to see his name in the newspapers?  Is he well-intentioned or just buffoonish?  The pilot doesn’t seem to know and, as a result, audiences would never find out.

 

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Monsters 1.17 “Taps”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire show is streaming on Tubi.

I was pretty hard on Monsters last week.  In retrospect, I think some of that was due to the fact that I was feeling anxious about getting my new laptop.  I stand by what I said about the episode because it wasn’t a good one but I do regret the slight tone of outrage that I took in my review.  Seriously, this is not a show to take seriously.

Take tonight’s episode for example….

Episode 1.17 “Taps”

(Dir by David Misch, originally aired on March 4th, 1989)

Suzy St. Claire (Mary Jo Keenan) is a professional dancer who is appearing, on Broadway, in a show that stars and is directed by an egomaniacal tap dancer, Gary Gregory (Neal Jones).  Suzy wants freedom from both the show and her romantic relationship with Gary so that she can go to Hollywood and try to become a star.  Gary tells her that there’s no way he’ll ever let her go.  So, Suzy contacts a lawyer and he helps her got out of the contract, along with suing Gary for sexual harassment.  Nah, just kidding.  That’s what I would do but Suzy just decides to poison him.  When Gary doesn’t die quickly enough and proves to be too big to fit in a suitcase, Suzy dismembers him.

A few years later, Suzy is in Hollywood with her agent, Sam (Dan Frazer).  She demands to know why Meryl Streep is getting Oscar nominations but she’s not.  Sam points out that starring in Graveyard Slasher III is not the path to getting Academy recognition.  After Sam leaves, Suzy realizes that she’s not alone in her apartment.  She looks over at the window and, behind the curtains, she sees a familiar red shoe.  She opens the curtains and is confronted by….

…. A DISEMBODIED LEG!

Apparently, she forgot to destroy Gary’s leg and now, it has tracked her down.  In a scene that has to be seen to be believed, she is chased around the apartment by the leg.  When she tries to leave the apartment, the leg trips her.  The leg hops up and down until she says, “You want to dance with me?”  It’s a scene that is so ludicrous that it nearly works.  The only problem is that a hopping leg, on its own, doesn’t really have the type of forward momentum necessary to be a real threat.  If you can’t outrun one hopping leg, maybe you deserve whatever you get.

In Suzy’s case, that means using a meat carver to chop off her own leg and then somehow — it’s never shown how — attaching Gary’s leg to the stump.  When we next see Suzy, she is back in New York and Sam is wondering why she’s abandoned her film career to return to dancing.

Good Lord, this was silly.  To its credit, it was meant to be silly.  None of the dialogue was meant to be taken seriously and the actors were all clearly in on the joke.  But, ultimately, that disembodied leg was just too utterly ridiculous for the story to work.  I applaud this episode for laughing at itself but I just wish it had been a little better executed.  Add to that, for an episode about dancers, we didn’t get to see nearly enough dancing.  Sorry, the hopping leg doesn’t count.

Next week …. Tori Spelling guest stars!  We’ll see how that goes.