Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Love wont hurt anymore….

Episode 7.11 “The World’s Greatest Kisser/Don’t Take My Wife, Please/The Reluctant Father”

(Dir by Ted Lange, originally aired on November 26th, 1983)

Sawdust Radell (Dan Haggerty) is looking for revenge.  The woman he loved dumped him after having a romance with one of the officers on the Pacific Princess.  She didn’t tell him the officer’s name but she did say that he was “the greatest kisser in the world.”  Ol’ Sawdust boards the ship with his best friend, Bonnie Lee Boone (Elaine Joyce).  He wants Bonnie Lee to kiss each of the ship’s officers and then report back on which one is the greatest kisser.  What is Sawdust planning on doing?  I have no idea but I have a feeling that Sawdust might have a prison stint in his future.

(That was certainly true for actor Dan Haggerty who, two years after this episode ended, was arrested for trying to sell cocaine to an undercover police officer.)

Bonnie Lee kisses the Captain, Doc, and Gopher.  She causes a lot of jealousy amongst the crew but they’re not the only ones getting jealous.  Sawdust realizes that he’s in love with Bonnie Lee.  He also gets a cable from his ex, informing him of the name of the officer.  It turns out that the “world’s greatest kisser” is some guy who we have never seen or heard of before and he has since transferred to a different ship.  Well, that’s convenient.

Before leaving the ship, the Captain asks Bonnie who the best kisser amongst the remaining crew was.  Wisely, Bonnie Lee looks over at Sawdust and says, “Him!”

(No, she did not kiss Isaac.  Then again, Ted Lange was busy directing this episode so Isaac’s not really around that much.)

Young executive Matt Stevens (Parker Stevenson) is taking a business cruise.  He boards with his new wife, Marion (Kirstie Alley).  Uh-oh, it turns out that Matt’s boss, Arthur Boggs (David Doyle), gave strict orders that wives were not allowed on the cruise!  As Arthur explains it, “If I let you bring your wife, then I have to bring my wife.”  And it turns out that Arthur — who says stuff like “As they say in Moscow, I’m hot to Trotsky!” — really wants to cheat on his wife.

Matt asks Marion to remove her wedding ring and pretend she doesn’t know him.  Marion agrees.  (Personally, I would have just asked for a maritime divorce.)  But when Arthur starts hitting on Marion and Marion starts spending time with Arthur, Matt is finally forced to stand up and announce, “This is my wife!”

“You’re fired!” Arthur replies.

And you’re sued, Matt should have said.  Seriously, you can’t fire someone for being married.  And perhaps Arthur figures that out because he later offers to give Matt back his job.  Matt smiles and accepts.  Does Matt have any self-respect?

Finally, teenage Melissa Weatherly (Danielle Brisebois) boards the boat with her father, Elliot (William Christopher).  Melissa’s parents divorced when Melissa was young and she’s never really known her father.  But now that her mom has died, Melissa is living with Elliot and the two are trying to adjust.  Elliot makes the mistake of suggesting that Melissa go to boarding school.  Melissa becomes convinced that Elliot doesn’t love her.  Fortunately, Vicki is there to talk to Melissa and the Captain is there to talk to Elliot.

This storyline made me think of my own relationship with my Dad and, as a result, it brought tears to my eyes.  Gavin MacLeod always did well whenever the show gave him a serious storyline.  Plus, it was good that Vicki actually had someone her own age to hang out with for once.  I always worry about the fact that Vicki seems to spend all of her time on a cruise ship, surrounded by people who are about 40 years older than her.

This is one of the many episodes that Ted Lange directed.  Lange always seemed to get better-than-average performances out of both the regulars and the guest stars and that’s certainly the case here.  William Christopher and Danielle Brisebois both turn in strong performances as the father and the daughter.  Parker Stevenson and Kirstie Alley were themselves newlyweds when they did this episode and their chemistry comes through, even if Stevenson is playing an annoyingly wimpy character.

This was a good cruise!