Daily Archives: May 7, 2024

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.3 “The Rig”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on You tube!

This week, Mitch and Ryan head out to an abandoned ocean oil rig.  Do they find love or do they find a glowing green slime monster?  Read on to find out!

Episode 2.3 “The Rig”

(Dir by Jon Cassar, originally aired on October 13th, 1996)

Donna is super-excited because she’s saved her first person as a lifeguard.  (Apparently, the nightclub is no longer a thing and Donna is no longer a cynical and tough-minded businesswoman.)  She tracks down Griff and she tells him about it.  Griff is impressed.  Donna wants to tell Mitch but he’s not on the beach!

Instead, Mitch and Ryan are investigating a deserted oil rig.  A few weeks ago, the crew of the oil rig died under mysterious circumstances.  The official story is that they fell victim to cabin fever or maybe a mass delusion.  But Diamont thinks that maybe something paranormal has happened and he has asked Mitch and Ryan to check it out.  Despite the fact that this is the third “paranormal” mystery that Mitch has investigated in as many episodes, he remains a skeptic.  Ryan, however, thinks that it is possible that the rig was attacked by some sort of prehistoric one-celled organism.

And it turns out that Ryan is right!  Ryan and Mitch find themselves being threatened by a green gelatinous goo that eats away at everything from metal to skin.  Joining Ryan and Mitch is Claire (Jennifer Campbell), whose boat was earlier attacked by the goo.  Claire does very little in this episode and there’s really no point to her being there, beyond the fact that the show’s producers needed someone to wear a bikini and to scream.

Featuring an absolutely ludicrous monster and a finale that involves a self-destruct mechanism slowly counting down, The Rig is actually a lot of fun.  It’s totally ludicrous and silly and everything that an episode of something like Baywatch Nights should be.  Mitch and Ryan make for an entertaining team.  Angie Harmon’s naturally sarcastic delivery contrasts nicely with David Hasselhoff’s most earnest style.  The Rig is at its best when it just follows Mitch and Ryan as they flirtatiously argue about the paranormal while walking around the abandoned rig.

And fear not!  Mitch survives his meeting with goo, jumping off the rig at the same moment that it explodes.  We get a little bit of slow motion, followed by a short of an obvious dummy crashing into the water.  When Hasselhoff jumps off the rig, the night sky is pitch black.  When he emerges from the ocean, the sun is shining.  That’s type of easily avoidable continuity error that makes Baywatch Nights so much fun!

This was a fun episode.  Next week, Mitch gets involved with a UFO!

The Films of 2024: Lights Out (dir by Christian Sesma)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Duffy (Frank Grillo) is haunted by the past.  When he was serving in the U.S. military, he watched as his friends and fellow soldiers were killed in battle.  Now that he’s back in America, he’s haunted by the memories and the trauma has left him incapable of finding peace.  He’s angry and paranoid and restless.  He drifts around the country, making whatever money that he can as a gambler.  But when a poker game at a Los Angeles roadhouse leads to a physical confrontation, Duffy is offered a new opportunity.

Max (Mekhi Phifer) watches as Duffy defends himself and is impressed with what he sees.  Max is a ex-con who works as a recruiter for underground fight clubs.  Max recognizes the source of Duffy’s anger because Max’s brother was also a veteran who returned to America carrying the mental and physical scars of war.  Max feels that he failed his brother but maybe he can make up for it by saving Duffy’s life.  Max recruits Duffy as a fighter and gives him a place to live.  Duffy and Max soon find themselves in conflict with an evil gym owner (Dermot Mulroney, making the most of a rare villainous role) and a corrupt cop (Jaime King) who is secretly in charge of the town’s underground fight scene.

Lights Out is a fast-paced and occasionally self-aware B-movie.  I always find movies like this fascinating because they present a world where there’s an underground fight club located in every backroom and lumber yard.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not saying that there aren’t underground fight clubs.  I’m sure they’re out there and I’m sure that there are some dangerous people involved in promoting them.  I’m just saying that I kind of suspect that there might not be as many of them as there tends to be in the movies.  I always find it interesting that so many underground fight clubs seem to have a “fight until the death” rule.  I mean, it seems to me that would cause you to quickly run out of fighters.  I also wonder what people do when they want to start an underground fight club but they don’t have access to an abandoned warehouse or any acquaintances in the Russian Mafia.  I guess those people are just screwed.

While Mulroney and King definitely make an impression as the two over-the-top villains, Lights Out is dominated by Frank Grillo.  Grillo has been lucky enough to be blessed with a down-to-Earth screen presence that allows him to be likable while also leaving little doubt that he is someone who can handle himself in a fight.  He has the weathered good looks of some one who has seen some things but who hasn’t yet surrendered his humanity.  He’s like the modern day version of one of those wonderful character actors who used to populate the gangster movies of the 1930s.  Grillo’s tough sincerity and streetwise persona is well-used here.  John Garfield had his Body and Soul.  Frank Grillo has his Lights Out.

Mission of Justice (1992, directed by Steve Barnett)

Posted on by Jedadiah Leland

Suspended from the police force because he does thing his way and doesn’t follow the book, martial artist Kurt Harris (Jeff Wincott) joins the Peacekeepers, a Guardian Angel-like group that is led by Dr. Rachel K. Larkin (Brigitte Nielsen).  Larkin is running for mayor on a law-and-order platform.  Just as the Peacekeepers have protected the local bodegas, Dr. Larkin will clean up the streets.

Kurt has a reason beyond just bitterness for joining the Peacekeepers.  Kurt suspects that the Peacekeepers is actually a criminal enterprise and that they are responsible for the murder of his mentor, Cedric Williams (Tony Burton, who does not throw the damn towel when confronted by the bad guys).

There were some good fight scenes and the idea of the Peacekeepers hiding their crimes behind their vigilante activities was an interesting one. The Peacekeepers were obviously based on New York’s Guardian Angels and it’s interesting that both the leader of the Angels and the leader of the Peacekeepers ended up running for mayor.  Of course, Curt Sliwa’s campaign was not as destructive or evil as Dr. Larkin’s.  In fact, I wasn’t really sure why Dr. Larkin was running for mayor, out of all the things that she could have done with her money and her paramilitary force.

Brigitte Nielsen always makes a good villain and the movie also features dependable straight-to-video action mainstays like Matthias Hues, Luca Bercovivi, and Karen Sheperd.  Unfortunately, Jeff Wincott was always one of the blandest of the 90s second tier action heroes, lacking the charisma of a Dolph Lundgren, a Jean-Claude Van Damme, or even as Steven Seagal.  Wincott was the star you called only after exhausting every attempt to sign Lorenzo Lamas.  Wincott is convincing when he’s throwing a punch or kicking someone in the face but when he has to show emotion or deliver dialogue, the movie come to a halt.

With a more charismatic star, Mission of Justice could have been a B-classic but instead, it’s just another forgettable straight-to-video action movie.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 4.24 “Paquito’s Birthday/Technical Advisor”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming on Daily Motion.

This week, season 4 comes to an end.

Episode 4.24 “Paquito’s Birthday/Technical Advisor”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on May 23rd, 1981)

This week, Tattoo is stunned to see Manuel (A Martinez) and Consuelo Lopez (Linda Cristal) get off the plane with their young son, Paquito (Anthony Trujillo).  Tattoo immediately guesses that Mr. Roarke must have given them a special deal so they could come to the Island and he snaps that Roarke is too nice.

Roarke, never one to worry about being nice when it come to Tattoo, replies that young Paquito nearly died earlier in the year and now, Manuel and Consuelo are on the verge of losing their frame.  Manual and Consuelo wanted to give Paquito a wonderful birthday party before they end up homeless.  Take that, Tattoo!

Manuel’s wealthy relative, Dona Delores (Victoria Racimo), is also on the Island and Paqutio soon starts hanging out with her, despite Manuel resenting her for having money.  Delores, who cannot have children of her own, has an idea.  Maybe she could adopt Paquito and give him the life that Manuel and Consuelo never could.  In return, she could help Manuel’s out with his money problems.

Don’t worry!  Manuel and Conseulo don’t lose Paquito and they even get to stay on Fantasy Island.  And it also turns out that Delores isn’t so bad after all.  This is Fantasy Island and nothing bad has happened on Fantasy Island since that hunter died at the end of his fantasy.  The ending is happy and the fantasy is ultimately pleasant and kind of forgettable.  In the end, what I’ll always remember is that the voice of young Paquito was obviously dubbed by an adult woman trying to sound like a child.  That was kind of weird.

Of course, it wasn’t as weird as the other fantasy.

Nancy Harvester (Randi Oakes) has spent the past few years of your life taking care of her terminally ill uncle.  After her uncle passed, he left her a fantasy in his will.  He wants Nancy to enjoy life and finally get a boyfriend.  When Roarke informs Nancy why her uncle wanted his will to be read on Fantasy Island, Nancy replies that she’s never even been with a man and there’s no way she can make her uncle’s last fantasy come true.  (Her uncle’s last fantasy was for his niece to lose her virginity?  That is definitely kind of creepy….)  Fortunately, Nancy’s childhood crush, Gene (Jim Stafford), is on the Island and Roarke summons a special friend to give Nancy advise.

Meet Helen of Troy (played by Jill St. John)!

Yes, the same Helen of Troy who inspired one of the bloodiest and most tragic wars in ancient history is the person that Mr. Roarke recruits to give advise to Nancy.  I mean, was the mermaid busy?  What about Aphrodite?  Remember how Aphrodite lives on Fantasy Island?  Couldn’t Mr. Roarke have asked them to help out?

Interestingly enough, the dialogue between Helen and Roarke indicate that they are lifelong friends, which would indicate that Mr. Roarke is several thousand years old.  Helen also makes a few comments that suggest that she and Roarke were once quite close.  Was Mr. Roarke involved in the war with Sparta?  I wonder which side he was on.

But what about Nancy?  Does Helen help out Nancy?  Yes, of course she does.  This is Fantasy Island so, of course, Nancy and Gene depart on the same plane.

All fantasies come true on Fantasy Island, which is one reason why the original show continues to be so loved. I would argue that the reason why the recent Fantasy Island reboot failed was because it complicated things by attempting to explore the lives of the people who lived and worked on the Island, as opposed to just focusing on fantasies with happy endings.  For all the time that I’ve spent speculating about what the Island actually is and how it works, it ultimately doesn’t matter.  No one cares how Fantasy Island works.  All that matters is that it does.

So ends season 4 of Fantasy Island.  It was a bit of an uneven season.  The obvious hostility between Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize made more than a few scenes a bit awkward to watch.  I miss the playfulness that defined their interactions during the earlier seasons.  But still, the Island is lovely and it’s fun to imagine what it would be like to really go there.

Next week, Roarke and Tattoo are joined by a new helper as the fifth season begins!

The TSL Grindhouse: Locked Up (dir by Jared Cohn)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

The 2017 film Locked Up tells the story of Mallory (Kelly McCart).

Mallory is not having a great life.  Her wealthy father has relocated to an unnamed county in Southern Asia.  (The film was shot in Thailand but the uniforms that we see various officials wearing seem more appropriate for North Korea.)  Mallory lives with her Uncle Tommy (Jared Cohen), who is Mallory’s legal guardian while her father is off doing whatever it is that he does.  Mallory goes to a school where she is the only American and certainly the only redhead.  She is bullied to such an extent that she finally snaps and punches another student.  Mallory is promptly arrested and sentenced to the country’s version of reform school.

When Tommy and Mallory first arrive at the facility, it seems to be clean and welcoming.  The Warden (Maythavee Burapasing) appears to be friendly and compassionate.  It seems like the type of place that all of us bleeding hearts are always insisting that we need here in America.  It’s only after Tommy leaves that the truth is revealed.  The reform school is actually a prison and the Warden is a sadistic tyrant.  Mallory is tossed into a filthy cell with several other girls and ordered to strip while everyone watches.  One of Mallory’s cellmates, Kat (Katrina Grey), orders Mallory not to cry because Kat doesn’t want the sound of her tears keeping her awake at night.

After manipulating Mallory into signing a document that says she doesn’t want her uncle to visit her in prison, The Warden reveals that she enjoys watching the prisoners fight.  She informs Mallory that she has two weeks to prepare for her first fight and that, if Mallory doesn’t fight, she will be gang raped twice a week for as long as she remains in the prison.  Mallory, having no experience with fighting (despite having hit that one student hard enough to get sentenced to confinement), begs Kat to train her.  At first reluctant, Kat eventually agrees.  But can even Kat’s training prepare Mallory for a fight against the fearsome Riza (Anastasia Maslova)?

If this all sounds rather exploitive, that’s because it is.  The film hit every sordid women-in-prison cliche with the efficiency of well-wound clock.  In fact, it’s so dedicated to hitting all of the expected beats that it actually becomes a bit comical at times.  Less than a minute after she enters her cell, Mallory has another inmate talking about how cute she is and sniffing her neck.  Mallory and Kat’s fight training inevitably leads to a shower room sex scene and Kat talking about how she’s in prison because her boyfriend convinced her to be a drug smuggler.  Meanwhile, because she is determined to turn Riza into a killing machine, The Warden personally injects steroids into Riza’s neck.  It’s all so shameless that you can’t help but appreciate the film’s audacity, even if there are several scenes (most of which involve the Warden’s threat to have the guards rape Mallory) that cross the line from being merely tasteless to being actually offensive.

Locked Up is an Asylum Production.  Like most Asylum films, it makes no excuses or apologies for being what it is.  (Regardless of how you feel about their films, it’s hard not to appreciate The Asylum’s honesty.)  In most ways, Locked Up is a pretty dumb movie but director Jared Cohen keeps the action moving quickly and The Warden is a properly hissable villain.  The Warden tells Mallory that her problem is that Americans have allowed themselves to become weak and, even if the film’s portrayal of Asia makes Midnight Express‘s portrayal of Turkey seem fair and balanced, it’s hard not to feel that the Warden has a point.  Get out there and fight, America!

Scenes That I Love: The Opening of Fast Times At Ridgemont High

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Today, the Shattered Lens wishes a happy birthday to director Amy Heckerling!

Today’s scene that I love comes from Amy Heckerling’s feature debut, 1982’s Fast Times At Ridgemont High.  In just two minutes, Heckerling introduces us to almost all of the major characters, establishes the mall as the center of Ridgemont High culture, and leaves us with little doubt that we’ve entered a time machine and found ourselves in the 80s.  Judge Reinhold looks like he’s on top of the world.  Jennifer Jason Leigh bravely faces the pizza oven.  Sean Penn makes us wish he had never lost his laid back stoner vibe.  And the underrated Robert Romanus struts through the mall like a king overlooking his kingdom.  With this scene, Heckerling announces that she has made the ultimate 80s high school film.

(And just a decade later, she would make the ultimate 90s high school film with Clueless.)

Here is today’s scene that I love:

4 Shots From 4 Films: Special Ruggero Deodato Edition

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!

Today would have been the 85th birthday of the great Italian director, Ruggero Deodato!  And that, of course, means that it’s time for….

4 Shots From 4 Films

The House on The Edge of The Park (1980, dir by Ruggero Deodato, DP: Sergio D’Offizi)

Body Count (1986, dir by Ruggero Deodato, DP: Emilio Loffredo)

Phantom of Death (1988, dir by Ruggero Deodato, DP: Giorgio Di Battista)

The Washing Machine (1993, dir by Ruggero Deodato, DP: Sergop D’Offizi)

Music Video of the Day: Best of Both Worlds by Van Halen (1986, directed by ????)

Posted on by Jedadiah Leland

This song and this video finds Sammy Hagar filled with optimism about his future with Van Halen.  That optimism wouldn’t last for long but both Sammy and Van Halen still went on to create a lot of great music, both together and separately.

This performance is taken from Live Without A Net, a concert video that was recorded at a show in New Haven, Connecticut.

Enjoy!