Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991.  The entire show is streaming on Youtube.

This week, Monsters features a vampire!  Yay!  I usually love a good vampire story.

Episode 1.4 “The Vampire Hunter”

(Dir by Michael Gornick, originally aired on November 12th, 1988)

The fourth episode of Monsters opens in New England, towards the end of the 19th century.  Ernest Chariot (Robert Lansing) is a veteran vampire hunter who is planning on hanging up his crucifix and his stake so he can concentrate on flirting with the women who come to him searching for answers about the paranormal.  He even tells his young assistant, Jack (Jack Koening), that is planning on heading over to Austria so he can meet with Sigmund Freud and talk about dream interpretation with him.  Interestingly enough, it appears that Ernest doesn’t really believe in anything paranormal, outside of vampires.  Myself, I think if I ever saw proof that vampires existed, I would probably accept that anything could exist.  I mean, it’d be strange for it just be vampires.

Before he can retire, Ernest does have one last job to complete.  Ms. Warren (Page Hannah) claims that her brother has been acting strangely, as if he’s been bitten by a vampire.  Ernest is skeptical of Ms. Warren’s claims and decides to take a trip to Ms. Warren’s hometown so that he can investigate her background before he agrees to help her.  The far more naïve Jack, however, goes with Ms. Warren back to her home.

It turns out that Ernest was right to be suspicious because Ms. Warren is the reluctant servant of Charles Poole (John Bolger), a vampire who wears a blue mask because of a facial injury that was inflicted upon him by Ernest in the past.  Jack holds Ernest off with a crucifix but, after he loses that, he soon discovers that it’s not as easy to stake a vampire as he thought.

Ernest returns to his office from investigating Ms. Warren’s background, saying that it required him to work in cotton mill.  His housekeeper tells him that Jack left with Ms. Warren.  A panicked Ernest goes to Ms. Warren’s home where he finds Jack in a coffin and Charles Poole eager for a final battle….

And that’s pretty much it.  This was a really weird episode, largely because there wasn’t even an attempt at a clever twist at the end or anything like that.  Instead, it was just a straight-forward story of an old vampire hunter coming face-to-face with a vampire.  In the end, Ms. Warren chooses to help Ernest instead of Charles.  The good guys win and the final credits role.  It’s all very earnest and, again, straight-forward.  At the same time, it’s also not that interesting.  It feels like a scene from a bigger story and, when viewed outside of the context of that bigger story, it lacks the type of emotional depth necessary to really hold the viewer’s attention.

It’s a shame.  I usually love a good vampire story!  Unfortunately, this isn’t one.  Oh well.