I was considering posting this review later in the month because I didn’t want to do two negative reviews in a row. I’m starting to feel like an old curmudgeon with a sciatica issue, but here we are.  I didn’t write, direct, or produce this steaming pile of shit, but again… here we are.  I’m not writing that every film should have three distinct acts that are easily defined and understood, but this film sure could have used some structure or a beginning, a middle, or (if they really felt wild) an ending.

We open with Gilderoy (Tobey Jones) starting a job as a foley artist for a Giallo film.  He is immediately shocked at the graphic nature of the film that he will be looping.  This is where the movie grinds to a halt – minute 7.  Either through a lack of budget or imagination, the film takes place in the sound studio, his apartment, and a hallway – that’s it.  You’d think that this would establish tension…nope; no more than sitting in the DMV for 90 minutes establishes tension.  There are no subtitles and everyone’s speaking Italian and screaming a lot to loop the spooky film that you never see.  Again, you’d think that perhaps this would create tension or alienation because we don’t know what’s being said in 85% of the film….nope; no more than watching Raiuno (Italian Basic Cable).   Keep in mind, I’m very proud of my very sexy Italian roots, but not everything we make is a winner- even our towers lean over sometimes.

Gilderoy proceeds to obsess over getting reimbursed for his travel and when he doesn’t get reimbursed, he mopes … a lot and smashes fruit to mimic bludgeoning sounds. At one point he does get upset about it, but then goes back to doing what he does best – moping and fruit smashing.  There are two producers Francesco and Santini who spend the majority of the film bullying Gilderoy around and just when you think he’ll snap, he doesn’t because his moping around and fruit smashing won’t get done by itself.

Gilderoy slowly makes a quasi-friendship with Elena a voiceover artist who hints at something sinister being afoot, but it never materializes. Snore.  Later in the film, Santini sexually assaults her off-screen and she wrecks the studio this is also off-screen.  Since all of the action takes place off-camera, it really makes you wonder if they ever wanted to film a movie.  Elena’s departure necessitates the need to hire new voiceover actress to replace her.

This is where the film takes an absurdist left turn – Gilderoy starts speaking Italian.  As someone who has taken some formal Italian language instruction- it’s a challenging language, but not for Gilderoy because he just starts spouting it – damn it!  Then, Elena’s replacement tries to kill Gilderoy, but he manages to kill her.  He then wanders into the sound studio and for some reason he sees the self-defense killing on the screen.  This causes the need for yet another voiceover actress to be hired and he uses mild sound torture to get a better performance out of her – it’s both weird and stupid because she could just take the headphones off, but she doesn’t.  She does quit and we don’t have to see them go to Central Casting again.  Maybe they get a stamp on a card for every voiceover actress they hire?  If so, they are all due a free sammich!!!  The movie ends.  Yep, that’s it.

This film proved that there are two big losers in Giallo pictures: voiceover actresses and fruit!  Enjoy the horror month!  My next review will be one of my favorite movies of ALL TIME: Ginger Snaps!  Ginger Snaps is a werewolf movie that is an allegory for a girl’s menarche! Tagline: They don’t call it the curse for nothing!  It’s awesome!