Why the Hell am I reviewing The Sidehackers, a rather terrible film from 1969?

A lot of it is because The Sidehackers is famous for being featured in an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and my boyfriend absolutely loves that show.  And, after I watched The Sidehackers, I viewed the Mystery Science 3000 version of the film.  Seriously, if any film deserves to be mocked by two robots and a possibly stoned space traveler, it’s The Sidehackers.

Another reason that I agreed to watch The Sidehackers is that it’s included in one of my many Mill Creek box sets and, as I’ve stated in the past, I always enjoy seeing what I can find hiding in those compilations.  Sometimes, you find a surprisingly good film.  And sometimes, you find The Sidehackers.

Finally, The Sidehackers is a Crown International production and, as of late, I’ve become a bit obsessed with seeing as many Crown International films as possible.

Anyway, The Sidehackers is one of those films that’s built around a sport that was probably never popular with anyone other than the guy who produced the film.  No, I’m not talking soccer.  I’m talking about sidehacking!

Let’s see if I can explain this.  You’re going to have to forgive my limited knowledge of just what the Hell this sport was all about.  Basically, sidehacking is a former of motocross where all the motorcycles have a sidecar attached to them.  So, when racing, one person steers the motorcycle and then his teammate stands in the sidecar and spends the entire race adjusting his body and providing balance whenever the motorcycle has to make a sharp turn.

Or something.

All I know is that it looks extremely silly and kinda stupid but everyone in The Sidehackers is just fascinated by it.  The Sidehackers features two full races and I have to admit that, as hard as I tried, I could not keep up with who was on which motorcycle or how much help the guy in the sidecar really was.  I found myself wondering why someone would decide they wanted to race as a part of a team instead of as an individual.  At one point, the film’s main character says that sidehacking is all about “teamwork” but seriously, who needs that crap?  Individual glory all the way!

Anyway, surly Rommel (Ross Hagen) is the greatest sidehacker in the world.  However, he makes a mistake when he agree to show cult leader J.C. (Michael Pataki) how to sidehack.  J.C. loves the sport but he can’t handle the fact that he’s not very good at it.  He gets jealous of Rommel and his amazing sidehacking skills. J.C.’s girlfriend, Paisley (Claire Polan) is also impressed with Rommel’s sidehacking.  It looks like this sidehack might end in tragedy!

(To be honest, I just like using the word “sidehack” and I will probably use it a few more times before this review ends.)

When he’s not busy sidehacking, Rommel likes to go on picnics with his wife Rita (Diane McBain) and think about how happy they are and how much they both love sidehacking.  It’s a life so perfect that an American Idol style ballad is heard whenever Rommel and Rita are together.  However, then Paisley claims that Rommel assaulted her so J.C. briefly abandons his sidehacking obsession so that he and his gang can beat up Rommel and murder Rita.

Rommel handles the tragedy not by sidehacking but by walking along the highway.  Rommel no longer cares about sidehacking.  Sidehacking is J.C.’s thing now.  Rommel, instead, is out for revenge.  He recruits a few random people from around town and they go off to kill sidehacking J.C. and his gang.

And it should be easy enough to accomplish all of this because it’s not like J.C. is a particularly intelligent murderous cult leader but since this film was made in 1969, it has to end on a down note.  Let’s just say that the film ends with a close-up of a dead body while the Sidehackers love theme plays on the soundtrack.

The Sidehackers is incredibly bad and pretty boring.  Michael Pataki deserves some credit for giving a good performance as J.C. but Ross Hagen is amazingly surly.  Even before Rita dies, Hagen seems to be in a generally pissed off mood.  If anything, I doubt Ross Hagen’s performance did much to increase the popularity of sidehacking.

I searched YouTube and most of the clips of The Sidehackers was taken from the Mystery Science Theater episode.  Unfortunately, those clips tends to make The Sidehackers look more interesting than it actually is.  I really wanted to find some sidehacking footage so you could see how stupid it really does look but unfortunately, I couldn’t find any.  However, I did find this clip of one of Rommel’s men telling a stupid joke that has nothing to do with sidehacking.

Enjoy!