L.A. Crackdown (1987, directed by Joseph Mehri)


Karen (Pamela Dixon) is a tough L.A. cop who is sick of seeing runaways disappear into the system.  Fionna (Kit Harrison) and Angie (Tricia Parks) are two delinquents who have been used and abused on the streets.  They’ve worked as prostitutes and been forced to appear in films with titles like Cockadile Dundee.  (L.A. Crackdown actually opens with the filming of Cockadile Dundee.)  Karen tries to rescue them from the streets by springing them from jail and taking them home with her.  At first, her husband (Jeffrey Olsen) is not amused but Karen is determined to do the right thing.  After several long stretches of nothing happening and two montages of the women bonding, things go downhill, Karen loses everything, and she decides to get justice by killing a bunch of drug dealers.

I knew what I was getting myself into when I saw the Troma logo at the start of this movie.  I respect Troma’s willingness to distribute anything that they can get for cheap but that doesn’t make it any easier to sit through their movies.  L.A. Crackdown is slowly paced, badly acted, and looks like it was lit by a flashlight with a dying battery.  There are two action scenes, one at the beginning and one towards the end, that manage to be presentable but the rest of the film is full of the long, dull stretches that Troma is known for.  Karen seeking revenge on the drug dealers should be the whole point of the movie but it takes forever to reach that point.  The revenge isn’t bad but you’ll probably fall asleep before you get there.

L.A. Crackdown is on Tubi.  If you’re like me, you might make the mistake of watching it because you’ve gotten it mixed up with a Michael Mann film called L.A. Takedown.  Take my word for it.  Michael Mann has nothing to do with L.A. Crackdown.

The TSL Horror Grindhouse: Fraternity Demon (dir by C.B. Rubin)


In 1992’s Fraternity Demon, Isha (Trixxie Bowie) is a succubus who is summoned into the real world by a nerdy frat boy who is doing something with a personal computer.  To be honest, I’m not totally sure what nerdy Dave (Al Darrouch) did to summon the succubus but she shows up in the real world and proceeds to have softcore sex with some 30 year-old frat boys in her quest to find Dave.

To be honest, I should have stopped this film as soon as I saw the New York skyline and “Troma Presents” at the start of it.  I’ve seen enough Troma films that I knew exactly what I was getting myself into but I kept watching the film just in case it turned out to be some sort of lost masterpiece.  Unfortunately, the film turned out to just be another boring Troma softcore film, featuring bad acting, bad humor, and terrible sound quality.  I honestly cannot begin to put into words just how wooden most of the acting was.  This was apparently C.B. Rubin’s only film as a director and watching the film, one can see why.  Fraternity Demon is an 86 minute film that feels like four hours, largely because the director obviously had no idea how to tell a story cinematically.

That said, I stuck with the film because everything that I read about Fraternity Demon said that the film was worth sitting through for the performance of Shock-Ra, the band that plays the fraternity party.  And I will say that I did like Sh0ck-Ra.  They reminded me a bit of X, the Los Angeles punk band that I’ve been obsessed with ever since I watched The Decline of Western Civilization a few months ago.  Speaking of punk, the film features a character who apparently lives on the front steps of the frat house.  He wears a Black Flag t-shirt and he growls at people.  He was probably the best actor in the film, assuming that he was an actor and not just some guy who the director couldn’t convince to leave.

Let’s see, what else was amusing in this film?  The fraternity was named SUX.  The sorority was named ASS.  That was pretty dumb but it made me laugh because, when I get delirious in my boredom, I tend to laugh at dumb things.  Nerdy Dave and his potential girlfriend, Kelly (Deborah Carlin), were kind of a cute couple.  One of the sorority girls comments that she likes a shy guy that she’s seen in at the frat house.  Kelly immediately says, “Dave?” because, of course, frat houses are only allowed to have one shy guy.

I initially assumed that Trixxie Bowie was an adult actress slumming in a Troma softcore flick but it turns out that Fraternity Demon was her only film role.  She made her debut as a star and then she never made another film.  Her performance in this film isn’t particularly good but she does manage to get off a few good one-liners.

Is that 500 words yet?  It is?  Good, let’s end this review.

Seriously, no more Troma films for me….

October Hacks: Splatter University (dir by Richard W. Haines)


As we started to watch 1984’s Splatter University, Jeff warned me that, “This is not a great movie.”

I laughed.  “Hey,” I said, “I just watched Satan’s Children.  How bad can it be?”

I looked at the screen and was immediately confronted by a poorly animated picture of the New York Skyline.

“Oh crap,” I said.

Four words appeared on screen: “A Troma Team Release”

“Oh, no!” I shouted….

Still, I’m not one to stop watching a film once it starts so I watched the entirety of Splatter University.  Fortunately, it was only 78 minutes long and, regardless of what else one might say about it, it did not waste much time getting to the murders.  Within the opening few minutes, an orderly in a mental hospital got stabbed in the crotch, with the camera zooming in on the blood spurting out from his groin,  The patient who stabbed him took the orderly’s clothes (which, quite frankly, should have been covered in blood so I’m not sure that they would actually be the ideal disguise) and makes his escape.

Three years later, a sociology professor is brutally stabbed to death in her classroom at St. Trinian’s College and again, the camera zooms in on the spurting blood, as if to make sure that no one accuses the film of lying about the “splatter” part.  Her quickly-hired replacement is Julie Parker (Forbes Riley), who soon notices that someone seems to be murdering her students.  Being a good teacher, Julie decides to protect her students by figuring out who the murderer is at St. Trinian’s College.  Fortunately, there aren’t that many suspects, for two reasons.  Number one, the students and faculty die with such frequency that it’s easy to guess who is responsible by process of elimination.  Number two, it appears that the makers of this film could only afford a handful of actors.  St. Trinian’s appears to have about twenty students and most of them appear to be in their early forties.

On the one hand, as I mentioned previously, Splatter University does live up to its name.  It’s obvious that the production didn’t have a huge budget but it appears that the majority of what the filmmakers did have was spent on fake blood and entrails because a lot of blood is spilled and one particularly gruesome scene even involves intestines spilling out of a body.  Agck!  (Seriously, the sight of the large intestine always freaks me out.)  I really can’t fault the film as a slasher flick, even if the killer’s identity is obvious.  That said, this was still a Troma release and, as such, there’s a lot about it that sucks.  Apparently, the original film was too short so Troma added some badly acted, “comedic” scenes of the students acting stupid.  Those scenes pad out the film’s length but they also screw with the pacing and they distract the viewer from what is otherwise a crudely affective, low-budget American giallo film.  But that’s Troma for you!

(And, let’s be honest — how can you not love Lloyd Kaufman?)

Blood Sisters of Lesbian Sin (1997, directed by Greg Griffin)


Johnny Blake (Justin Gorence) is a demon slayer and vampire hunter who is so pure of heart and intention that he is known as The Monk.  However, when Sister Avarice (Lara Daans) puts a hex on him, the Monk finds himself being tempted as never before.  Sister Avarice wants the Monk to track down her two older sisters and take their pieces of the fabled demon stone from them.  Once the three pieces of the demon stone are put together, the demon Asmodeus will return to the world of the living.  Because of the hex, the Monk and his secretary, Karen (Heather Lea McIntyre) have no choice but to do find the other stones.  Will the Monk and Karen be able to resist Sister Avarice’s final temptation?

This is pretty dumb but I think most people will guess that as soon as the words “Torma Presents” appears on the screen.  It turns out that Sister Anger (Alisa Christensen) owns a gym and Sister Lust (Jenna Johns) owns a brothel.  Sister Anger tries to seduce Karen while Sister Lust tries to seduce the Monk.  There’s a lot of talk about bringing The Monk and Karen over to the dark side and revealing their true nature but it’s mostly just an excuse to have nearly every woman in the film go topless at some point.  (Admittedly, 14 year-old me would have thought this was the best movie ever made.)  There is one good fight scene between The Monk and a group of muggers who come across him while he’s spying on Sister Anger making out with Karen.  Otherwise, Sisters of Sin get boring pretty quickly.

The film is also known as Sisters of Sin, which make much more sense than Blood Sisters of Lesbian Sin, as only one of the sisters is a lesbian.  But Troma had Troma had a film to sell and I guess Blood Sisters of Lesbian Sin tested better than just plain Sisters of Sin.

The TSL Horror Grindhouse: Chopper Chicks in Zombietown (dir by Dan Hoskins)


An all-women motorcycle gang called the Cycle Sluts roars through the desert. Why are they called the Cycle Sluts? As their leader puts it, they know what people are going to call them so they’re reclaiming the term for themselves. Nobody tells the Cycle Sluts what to do and nobody but the Cycle Sluts decides or defines who the Cycle Sluts are. They’re rebels and they’re singers, making music and fighting the patriarchy as they make their way through the dusty corners of America.  Go, Cycle Sluts, go!

When the Cycle Sluts drive into the small desert town of Zariah, the residents are not happy to see them. Zariah is a peaceful and boring town and the citizens would like to keep it that way.  The citizens are happy having a town where there’s only a few buildings, next to no businesses, and only a few residents.  It’s a town where not much happens and everyone can live in peace, far away from all the evil temptations of the big city and corrupt civilization.  However, the town becomes a lot less peaceful when the local mortician starts to bring the dead back to life. Soon, zombies are wandering through the desert on their way back to their former home and only the Cycle Sluts and a bus full of stranded blind kids can save the town!

That slight plot description probably tells you all you really need to know to get a feel for what type of film 1989’s Chopper Chicks in Zombietown is. It was released by Troma, which means that the humor is crude, the zombie attacks are bloody, and the film’s aesthetic is undeniably cheap. That said, the film itself is enjoyable when taken on its own dumb terms. The action moves quickly, the members of the cast perform their silly roles with an admirable amount of dedication, and the whole thing ends with a message of peace and equality. The townspeople learn how to be tolerant and the Cycle Sluts learn how to trust other people. It’s about as dumb as a movie about about bikers fighting zombies can be but it’s a surprisingly fun movie.  It’s hard not to cheer a little when the Cycle Sluts and the towns people and the blind kids finally set aside their differences and do what has to be done.  They even manage to save the life of a baby and anyone who has seen any other Troma films knows how rare that can be.  In its way, Chopper Chicks in Zombietown serves as a reminded that not every Troma film is as bleak as Combat Shock or Beware!  Children at Play. The Cycle Sluts do a good job and so does the film.

Speaking of doing a good job, keep an eye out for Billy Bob Thornton, making an early appearance as the unfortunate boyfriend of one of the residents of Zariah. Billy Bob seems to be having fun with this early job and his appearance here serves as a reminder that everyone started somewhere.

The TSL Horror Grindhouse: Beware! Children At Play (dir by Mik Cribben)


1989’s Beware!  Children At Play opens with a son and his father on a camping trip.  They’re having a great time, up until the minute the father steps on a bear trap and ends up trapped on the ground.  His son fails to open up the bear trap and, over the course of three days, his father slowly dies.  With his dying breath, the father tells his son to cannibalize his body after he passes.

Ten years later, a small town in New Jersey has a problem.  People, most of whom are children, are mysteriously vanishing.  Sheriff Carr (Rich Hamilton) has no idea what’s happening, which is especially frustrating as his daughter Amy is among the missing.  Sherriff Carr’s old friend, novelist John DeWolfe (Michael Robertson), comes to town for a visit and he discovers that the townspeople are being killed by their own children.  The children have been brainwashed by a feral teenager who lives in the woods, a teenager who calls himself Grendel.

Even as John tries to track down Grendel’s compound, the townspeople prepare to go to war against the children who are living in the woods.  Early on, an ill-destined traveling bible salesman refers to the town as being a part of the “New Jersey Bible Belt,” and it turns out that, just as the children are following Grendel, the adults are obsessed with their own idea of divine retribution.  Can John save the children from both Grendel and the townspeople?

No, he cannot.

Beware!  Children At Play opens with the Troma title card, which should be enough to frighten even the most resilient of audiences.  Like most Troma films, it’s violent and, at times, surprisingly mean-spirited.  The budget is low but the gore is grotesquely memorable, with characters getting chopped in half and used as scarecrows and every other horrible thing that you might expect to happen to someone on a farm.  As for the performances, it’s a typical Troma film, with everyone either overacting or underacting.  The townspeople shake with rage as they prepare to enter the woods in search of the children.  Michael Robertson attempts to change their minds by shouting random insults at them.  There’s a moment, at the start of the film, where John and his wife (Lori Romero) debates the merits of John’s books and the pedantic dialogue was so stiffly delivered that I nearly yelled at the screen.

That said, I don’t think anyone who sees this film will remember much about anything that happens before the film’s final ten minutes.  At the end of the film, the adults finally find their children and set out to get their revenge.  Those final ten minuets are considered to be some of the most controversial in the history of Troma, with Lloyd Kaufman claiming that they caused a mass walkout when the trailer for the film played at Cannes.  One could argue that the finale is meant to suggest that the children learned their evil from their parents but, more realistically, this is a Troma film and Troma has always understood the power of controversy to sell tickets.  The final ten minutes would be incredibly disturbing, if the actors were more convincing and if the special effects weren’t so cheap looking, particularly when compared to the gore effects seen earlier in the film.

Killer kids will always been creepy and they are certainly creepy in this film.  In the end, though, this is still a Troma film and never as disturbing as a film about a cult of killer children should be.  In the end, I could only ask myself, “Why does this stuff always happen in New Jersey?”

Pop Up Fly: SQUEEZE PLAY (Troma 1979)


gary loggins's avatarcracked rear viewer

squeez1

Welcome to the wacky, wonderful world of 70’s sexploitation comedies. Today we’ll be dealing with two Great American Obsessions: boobs and baseball! (Actually, it’s softball here, but why quibble).  SQUEEZE PLAY is brought to you by Lloyd Kaufman and his team at Troma Entertainment, the folks responsible for such cinematic gems as THE TOXIC AVENGER and CLASS OF NUKE EM HIGH. Let’s slide right into the plot of the movie, shall we?

SQUEEZE PLAY is your basic Battle of the Sexes romp. The Beavers are the champs of the Mattress Workers Softball League, and the guys on the team have been ignoring their women folk for softball. This is causing much friction between them (and not the pleasant kind!), especially our two leads, team captain Wes and his fiancée Samantha. Things change when Mary Lou, a pretty heiress on the run, comes to town and demonstrates a killer arm (seems…

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