October True Crime: Drew Peterson: Untouchable (dir by Mikael Salomon)


From the years 2007 to 2013, it’s hard to think of anyone who was as universally despised as Drew Peterson.

Drew Peterson was the Illinois cop who first came to national attention when his fourth wife, Stacy, went missing.  Stacy had been on the verge of completing her nursing degree at the time of her disappearance.  Though Drew was a cop, he wasn’t the one who reported her missing.  Instead, it was her sister who called the police after she failed to hear from Stacy.  When Drew was asked about Stacy, he seemed unconcerned and even cocky as he claimed Stacy had run off with another man.  Few people believed him.  It had only been three years since another Peterson had been convicted of murdering his wife and, like Drew, Scott Peterson also claimed that his wife left their home and vanished.

The investigation into Stacy’s disappearance led to authorities taking another look at the death of Drew Peterson’s third wife, Kathy Savio.  Kathy death had originally been found to be an accidental drowning, though how one can drown in an empty bathtub was never really explained.  A second autopsy revealed evidence of a struggle and, in 2013, Drew Peterson was convicted of her murder.  Drew Peterson is currently in prison and Stacy is still listed as missing.

The thing that sticks out about Drew Peterson is how smug he always seemed.  Like Dennis Rader (who was a serial killer by night and a neighborhood compliance officer by day), Drew Peterson was the ultimate nightmare authority figure.  He had a uniform and he had a badge and he had an attitude that said, “I can do whatever I want and if you complain, nobody will believe you.”  When we looked at Drew Peterson, we saw every cop who had ever pulled someone over for a busted taillight or he had ever tried to hit on someone after stopping them for speeding.  Even when he had people accusing him of killing Kathy, Drew would appear on television and smirk and basically dare you to do anything about it.  If you want to know what we mean when we use terms like “mansplaining,” go watch an interview with Drew Peterson.

Drew Peterson’s legal troubles were so drawn out that the 2012 Lifetime film, Drew Peterson: Untouchable, actually went into production before Peterson had even been convicted of anything.  (Peterson actually filed a cease and desist letter demanding that production be halted.)  The film ends not with Drew Peterson being convicted of killing Kathy but instead with Rob Lowe (playing the paunchy, middle-aged Peterson) doing a slow motion strip tease after being arrested.  The film does a very good job of not outright accusing Peterson while, at the same time, reminding viewers of why so many of them instantly disliked him.

Of course, when the film was first aired, it received a lot of attention for casting the amiable and handsome Rob Lowe as Drew Peterson, a man who was neither of those things.  Lowe gives an excellent performance as Peterson, capturing the somewhat desperate swagger of a man who doesn’t want to admit that he’s aging.  Lowe captures Peterson’s cockiness and his manipulative nature and, even more importantly, he captures the arrogance of a man who believes that, because he wears a uniform, he can get away with anything.  As his victimized wives, both Kaley Cuoco and Care Buono gave poignant performances.

I don’t know where Drew Peterson is but, wherever he’s serving his time, I hope he’s being forced to watch this movie at least once a day.

Embracing The Melodrama: The Client List (dir by Eric Laneuville)


In 2010’s The Client List, Jennifer Love Hewitt stars as Samantha Horton.

Samantha’s a former beauty queen whose mother (Cybill Shepherd) always hoped would go on to win Miss Texas and then maybe appear in movies and on television.  Instead, Samantha got knocked up by her boyfriend, Rex (Teddy Sears).  Rex was a football star at UT so marrying him didn’t seem like it would be a dead-in but then Rex blew out his knee.  Now, they’re living in small town Texas, they’ve got three children, and they’ve got a bank threatening to foreclose on their home.  When Samantha and Rex head down to the bank, their loan officer spends the entire time staring at Samantha’s chest while Samantha reveals that she has a photographic memory.

Desperately needing a job and with Rex drinking away his troubles, Samantha gets a job at a massage parlor the next town over.  Naively, Samantha assumed that her job would actually just be to give men massages.  Instead, it turns out that the massage parlor is actually a brothel where the workers continually tell each other that it “beats the heck out of waitressing.”

(They don’t say “heck” but I gave up cursing for Lent.)

At first, Samantha is disgusted by the idea of working as a prostitute.  But, with Rex drinking too much and the house about to bet taken away, Samantha goes back to the parlor and soon becomes the most popular person working there.  She works herself to exhaustion but one of her clients has just the solution for that.  “I’ve never even smoked weed before,” Samantha says while looking at the baggie of cocaine.  I’m sorry …. you dated someone who went to UT without ever smoking weed?  I don’t buy that.

Samantha can now stay awake for hours, going to work and buying her family a lot of Christmas presents.  Samantha’s clients include some of the most powerful men in the county.  When one of her co-workers confesses to having doubts about the job, Samantha sends her to a church group so she’ll have someone to talk to.  Soon, words gets out that the massage parlor is a house of prostitution and Samantha is getting arrested and led out of the parlor in her underwear while TV cameras roll.  “That looks kind of like your wife,” someone says to Rex.

The Client List caused quite a stir when it aired on Lifetime back in 2010.  (It also led to a TV series where Jennifer Love Hewitt starred as a different character.)  It’s an enjoyably sordid story, one that embraces the melodrama and mixes morality and sex in a way that would have made Cecil B. DeMille proud.  The film takes place in my homestate and, fortunately, it stars a lot of Texas-born actors so the accents are authentic, even if the dialogue was obviously written by a Yankee.  (“She’s as busy as popcorn,” a character said at one point and I nearly went blind from rolling my eyes.)  That the film actually carries some emotional weight is totally due to the lead performance of Jennifer Love Hewitt, who I’ve always liked because we’re both Texas girls and we’ve both got big boobs so I feel like we share the same struggle.  Hewitt gives an authentic and heartfelt performance here, leaving no doubt that everything that Samantha does, she does for her family.  The Client List is a true Lifetime classic.

Playing Catch-Up With The Films of 2016: Nine Lives (dir by Barry Sonnenfeld)


Much like Warcraft, Nine Lives is another film that came out last year and got reviews that were far more negative than they should have been.  I mean, don’t get me wrong.  Nine Lives is technically a pretty stupid movie and it stars a lot of actors who probably should be doing something a little bit more substantial with their time.  That being said, it’s not as if Nine Lives ever promised to be anything more than what it is.

Two facts about Nine Lives:

Number one — it did not make me physically ill, which already makes it a better movie than Hardcore Henry.

Number two — it’s all about cats!  After being more or less pushed to the side by The Secret Life of Pets (which featured only one tokenish kitty), cats finally get a movie of their very own!

It may not be a very good movie but that’s beside the point.  KITTY POWER!

As for what the film is about — well, it’s a concept that is so silly and stupid and predictable that I’m not surprised that it was produced by a major American studio.  (Except apparently, it wasn’t!  Despite taking place in America, featuring a totally American cast, and English dialogue, this is actually a French film, produced by Luc Besson’s EuropaCorp.)  Kevin Spacey is an emotionally cold and ruthless businessman who discovers that he does have a heart when he switches bodies with a cat.  Don’t ask how he switches bodies, it’s just too silly for me to talk about.  The important thing is that he switches and it leads to a lot of litter box jokes that made me, as a proud cat owner, cringe.

BUT — and here’s why this film is not as bad you may think, the cat is really cute.  And if a cat did speak with a human voice, chances are that voice would sound a lot like Kevin Spacey’s.  It may sound like a pretty weird role for a two-time Oscar winner and multiple Emmy nominee (and don’t even get me started on the Golden Globes) but dammit, Kevin throws himself into voicing that feline’s thoughts and good for him!

Plus, this is yet another film that features a totally out there Christopher Walken cameo.  The presence of Christopher Walker automatically elevates any film.

Nine Lives may not be good but it’s not terrible.

(Of course, dog lovers will hate it….)