super bowl ads | Through the Shattered Lens

So, as our longtime readers know, the only reason I ever watch the Super Bowl is for the commercials. Every year, I post my 6 favorite Super Bowl commercials. Now, I have to be honest, it’s hard to pick 6 from this year’s crop. This was a seriously bland year! There were no sexy commercials. There were no secretly subversive commercials. There were no commercials so offensive that I simply had to post them just to be annoying.

Instead, we got stuff like the Super Bowl Babies. And I know that a lot of people loved the Super Bowl Babies but … bleh. Seriously, it was a really creepy and kind of annoying commercial and I refuse to believe that anyone actually enjoyed it. I think people saw the babies and thought, “Oh, I have to enjoy this or else it means I don’t love babies.” The babies were cute but the commercial was super creepy.

And then there was this stupid Puppy Monkey Baby thing. What the Hell was that supposed to be!?

I have to say — if I was going to have a pet that was half baby, that’s not the half that I would want.

Anyway, I did finally manage to come up with 6 that I did like. And here they are! Please understand that being include on this list does not mean that this site or any author of this site is saying that you should use any of the services or products being advertised. In fact, seeing as how we’re not getting any money for highlighting this excellent commercials, I would suggest that you not use anything featured in these commercials.

Here are the commercials:

6) Coca-Cola: Little Marvels

Those little minicans drive me crazy and I refuse to allow them in either the house or here at the TSL offices. Just a few days ago, Leonard try to stock some in the break room fridge and I spent the next few hours pouring them all out on the floor just to make a point! But, taking all that into consideration, I still like this ad because … well, Ant-Man’s cute.

5) Kia: Walken Closet

I liked this one because it featured Christopher Walken and … well, that’s pretty much the only reason. But it’s a good reason! If nothing else, it kept me from thinking about how much I hate car commercials. I hope Walken does a truck commercial next because I want him to explain what torque means.

4) T-Mobile — Drop The Balls

I liked this one because 1) Steve Harvey has a good sense of humor about traumatizing Miss Colombia and 2) it makes fun of Verizon. Seriously, Verizon commercials are so smug! Anyway, you tell them, Steve and keep praying for all us heathens.

3) Avocados From Mexico: Avos In Space

I really enjoyed this ad. I’ll probably hate it after I see it another 100 times but for now, good job!

2) Prius: Getaway Car

I’m still trying to get the Dazzling Erin to buy a Prius so I can make fun of her for getting one. But, after seeing this commercial, I now understand that a Prius is also a great car to own if you’re planning on fleeing from the police. Seeing as how I always root for the guy being chased whenever there’s a high-speed police chase, I appreciated this feature of the car. Add to that, I love the way that the Prius 4 become celebrities because that’s exactly what would happen in real life.

1) T-Mobile: Restricted Bling

It’s Jimmy! And he can walk again!

And that’s it for this year! Next year, advertisers, let’s bring back the sexy and the pretentious, okay? It’ll make it a lot easier to make out a list.

…and there hasn’t even been a commercial yet. Ok, I admit this might seem petty on the surface, but I’m pretty goddamn pissed off. Over the years, I’ve experienced Super Bowl advertisements degenerate from clever, creative entertainment to raunchy, sensationalist garbage, and I’ve accepted it. I’ve seen right-wing nut jobs fork over millions to air their political garbage–anyone recall Focus on the Family’s anti-abortion ad a few years ago?–and I’ve kept my mouth shut. But what I saw in the pre-game show today took tasteless to a new level. For those of you who missed it, Fox got the rights to the game this year, and they exploited their control of the content to interrupt pre-game coverage for a half hour of Fox News and Bill O’Reilly lambasting the president.

Think about that, and forget your opinion of Barrack Obama while you do it. We’re talking about the most televised event in the world, and its exclusive broadcaster this year has set aside tens of millions of dollars worth of content time to advertise for the extreme right wing of the Republican party. “Oh, Bill O’Reilly is relatively moderate, and they just plastered a Fox News logo over it; they didn’t bring up many sensitive issues.” Fuck that. If the KKK sponsored a Super Bowl ad for white hoodies you’d all be shitting bricks. And this isn’t a conventional ad–a business transaction–a hunk of advertisement paid for in full. This is coming directly from the network that ought to be responsible for monitoring advertisement content throughout the game. This isn’t a matter of turning a blind eye for a pay check; Fox shamelessly wants you to know that this program has been brought to you by good, god-fearing straight white people (and their wives).

I suppose they’re not going to lose any viewers over it. I’m still watching–albeit on mute now until the ball’s on the ground–and the money’s already on the books anyway. It was just more dope for the already brainwashed really, and a little salt in the wound for anyone who believes in social justice. But if the NFL accepts without further comment that an endorsement of Fox Sports means an endorsement of Fox News and everything that subsidiary stands for, it’s time we all called it a fun half-century and took up soccer or cricket or something.