Late Night Cable Review: Cinderella’s Hot Night (2017, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Posted on August 4, 2017 by Valerie Troutman

Ever wanted to watch Dean McKendrick and some of his usual late night cable actors try to spoof a Hallmark movie? I’m glad I have now.

You could take that title card, put in the title of a Hallmark movie, and not have to change anything else about it.

The movie starts off with narration from Christine Nguyen. She introduces us to the prince of Cratonia named Steven (Kyle Knies). Steven’s father is not happy about his son being a bachelor.

Sarah Hunter is his secretary named Samantha. She shows up to tell the audience that there is going to be some business dealings with an American company, so that he will have an excuse to meet Cinderella.

The movie wastes no time cutting to Cindy (Karlie Montana) who works at Universal Imports. She’s not having the best of days. At least she isn’t getting fired for wearing that top to work.

In fact, her boss Patrick (William F. Bryant) is concerned about her, and invites her into his Godfather office.

Why does he have that?

Also, I guess he didn’t live happily ever after with Kira Noir at the end of The Deadly Pickup (2016).

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

As you can read, she is getting kicked out of her apartment. Her boss does what any good boss would do to make sure an intern doesn’t lose their position by having to get a job. He gives her a spare room at his house.

Patrick could die tomorrow, and no one where he lives would care.

Then we meet his wife, Mona, played by Beverly Lynne.

That’s a face you can trust. She plays the wicked stepmother character.

They have a butler who has a name within the film, but I think his stage name will do just fine.

If I had to sum-up Regis’ character in this film, then it would be like the maî·tre d in Barbara Broadcast (1977). That guy has to be given a blow job by any waitress or costumer who drops dishes, a glass, or a vase–anything breakable. He doesn’t seem to get any pleasure from it. It’s part of the job for him. He really seems to just want to go about his business managing the restaurant.

Barbara Broadcast (1977, dir. Radley Metzger)

That’s Regis. With that in mind, it has been a whole five minutes of runtime.

By the time they shot this film, Lynne was 43 years-old. I can’t tell you how refreshing it was to see her get a scene. You don’t usually see that in one of these late night cable movies.

Immediately after they finish, Patrick shows up to tell us that his company will have some dealings with the prince.

What’s missing? We have Cinderella. We have the wicked stepmother. We have the father who sometimes is part of the Cinderella story. It’s the stepsisters we need.

Enter Grace (Blair Williams) and Sylvia (Penny Pax). This isn’t the Emma Marx from the first film. This is Penny Pax circa the sequels to The Submission Of Emma Marx (2013).

They’re exactly what you would expect–ditzy and entitled.

Patrick tells them Cindy is coming, and we move onto the next scene.

And that is all you need to see of the next scene. That is all there is to it. This is the only time they meet until much later. This quick, casual, and super-short scene.

Wait a second, this place was burned to the ground in Paranormal Sexperiments (2016).

Paranormal Sexperiments (2016, dir. Terrance Ryker)

I don’t like it when different films that use the same sets break continuity.

Patrick brings Cindy home. She gets the reception you would expect from the sisters.

Penny Pax, presumedly because she’s sick of her dress causing her to blend in with the bed…

grabs Regis, and drags him to another room. They must really expect privacy in this house because they never close the door.

It even appears to have confused one of the actors or crew members, because they get caught in this shot.

I was confused too. The movie was expecting me to get into this sex scene with those three pink dogs in the background? I couldn’t stop looking at them throughout this part.

The next morning, they make an immigration joke…

before Patrick tells us he is going to hop a plane to go see Steven on his native movie-set.

To quote Christine Nguyen, Cindy has been left in a “den of vipers.” I think Cindy is wondering about that statue behind her. I certainly was.

They make Cindy fetch a bottle of wine.

After arriving in Cratonia, Patrick and Samantha hit it off well. They have sex…

we see an Instagram photo…

and Patrick dies along with everyone onboard the plane.

Christine Nguyen tells us this via voiceover narration in a very nonchalant and upbeat way.

Oh, well. Goodbye, Patrick. We hardly knew you.

Anyways, Nguyen finally decides to show up as Cindy’s fairy godmother.

Cindy’s main problem is that she is lonely. With a little magic, Cindy’s fairy godmother is naked, and ready to pleasure Cindy.

That’s because even James Franco had his mind blown in Interior. Leather Bar. (2013) about the fact that he could be making a movie with pornographic sequences in it and the Disney film Oz the Great and Powerful (2013) at the same time.

It makes sense that these two would end up together. They already did this in a previous movie.

College Coeds vs. Zombie Housewives (2015, dir. Dean McKendrick)

I have two problems with this scene.

The first is that picture of a pineapple on the wall. The second is the tiara. It’s a little difficult to pay attention when you keep wondering how that is going to stay on.

Mona now visits a cameo appearance by Ryan Driller in order to find out that her husband was in a lot of debt, and she’s stuck with it. This part only exists so they can’t pay Regis to stay around, and can con Cindy into doing their bidding in exchange for continuing to stay with them. That’s how she is going to slip into the standard Cinderella role.

We also find out that Regis comes from Iowa and is probably going end up shoveling pig shit.

“Pig shit” must be the magic phrase though, because Grace decides to have sex with him before he leaves.

Now we can skip over some things because it’s the standard Cinderella stuff. The only thing you need to know is that Steven decides to hold a New Year’s Eve party in America.

Cindy has a shower scene so she can have a couple of flashbacks. One of the two flashbacks is to the only time Steven and her have been in a room together up to this point. It’s as if they felt they needed to remind you that they even know each other.

Moaning about not being able to go to the ball, a visit from The Fairy Godmother, and we are at the party.

I beg to differ. What about that tattoo on her arm?

Inside, you know the deal. Hi there, guy on the right.

She ends up running away from the party and The Fairy Godmother’s magic is faulty as usual. It leaves one of the shoes intact.

Steven wants her tracked down, and he’ll creep out Sarah Hunter if he has to in order to find her.

He arrives at what appears to be the entrance to a different house that was used in Bikini Model Mayhem (2015).

Bikini Model Mayhem (2015, dir. Jon Taylor)

After you get over the red Buddha sitting next to a plant in the shape of hair on a troll doll, he has found her. They consummate the shoe fitting.

They live happily ever after.

Mona and her daughters are turned into “scullery maids.”

And I guess Regis went back to Iowa. He gets no closure in this film.

That was different from the usual. The acting is fine all-around. They really did take a generic Hallmark plot and add sex to it. I didn’t like seeing Penny Pax play this kind of character. However, if you haven’t seen her play Emma Marx, then I can’t see it bothering you. The sex stuff was fine even if they really should have taken some of the humorous things out of the room. I mean I liked them for the purposes of having fun with this movie. But if you are watching it for the sex, then I could see it being distracting, and taking you out of the moment. The plot is Cinderella. You know the story.

This one is about average.

Late Night Cable Movie Review: Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Posted on October 2, 2016 by Valerie Troutman

I am not sure why McKendrick didn’t just make this a sequel to Deadly Pickup (2016). I can take a guess and say that he knows HBO likes to rotate up films from Cinemax, which could cause one of the two to be brought up there, and leave viewers confused. Still, it’s shot in the same area. It has Billy Snow basically playing the same character as Deputy Randall. Sarah Hunter is back. Jon Fleming who played Rick in Deadly Pickup is also back. Sal V. Miers himself even makes a small appearance in the film having been the producer of both this and Deadly Pickup. Also, it is once again a procedural to find a killer while injecting sex here and there into the story.

The movie starts off…and welcome back to the world of the living, Rick!

Meanwhile, Sarah Hunter is standing in the background giving away the ending of the movie by looking very disapproving of this photo shoot. It’s not Rick’s fault the credits didn’t want to be placed over shots of the beach and birds flying this time around. That still doesn’t stop Hunter from getting a great look on her face.

That’s the look someone who is into you gives when you basically ask them to leave so you can have sex with someone else.

After that is completed, we cut to…whoa, whoa, whoa…

I’m pretty sure this is where you got killed by Carter Cruise in Deadly Pickup, Rick.

Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Hmmm…I would say that Sarah Hunter resurrected Rick, but she was also killed off in Deadly Pickup. This completely breaks the continuity of the Dean McKendrick movies since I am pretty sure Sarah Hunter was killed off in Erotic Vampires of Beverly Hills (2015) too. I guess when all else fails, just blame Frankie Dell for creating another one of his mystery concoctions that brought Hunter and Rick back to life between movies.

During the photo shoot, Rick uses the excuse that the lighting isn’t right anymore, so they will have to shoot down on the beach a little later. This does not sit well with the model named Audrey (August Ames) who is already jealous of the other model named Jocelyn (Christiana Cinn), and was just arguing with her own manager David (Justin Berti) about it.

She proceeds to walk along the beach when it cuts to a seagull.

We know what that means.

Killed by a phallic shaped rock.

That’s when our heroes show up on the scene.

Deputy Randall got a promotion to Detective and has been partnered with Erika Jordan. They are legitimately good in this movie together. I could go for a series of movies where the two of them hunt down killers.

Considering this manager was arguing with Audrey next to a sign about “Conserving California’s Coastal Treasures”,…

that means we need Detective Randall and Erika Jordan to uncover a sex scene with Audrey from his past.

After the standard procedural scene of people standing around talking to each other, it’s time for Randall and Jordan to go check in with the producer–Sal V. Miers–about the body.

This is when Jordan makes sure to mention information that a woman could have killed Audrey.

Now we cut to Sarah Hunter trying to drop less than subtle hints to Rick that she is in to him. Then Jocelyn comes in to make Sarah Hunter leave, and comfort Rick by sticking one of her heels high in the air.

Once that is over, the good acting brigade shows up to question Rick as Jocelyn sneaks out the back-way. Hunter tells them that Audrey knew some things about Jocelyn that could hurt her modeling career, such as being a stripper on the side.

Now it’s off to the Mötley Crüe soundalike strip club so that Jocelyn can point suspicion back at the red herring of the shady manager from earlier. They also make sure to say that Detective Randall is having a bad break up with his wife. That way they have an excuse for a sex scene later.

Now our dynamic duo go and confront the sleazy manager at the house of the couple from Deadly Pickup.

They acquired enough evidence between scenes to arrest him just in time for Sarah Hunter to take a shower. After that, Hunter and Rick agree to meet later on, before we cut to Detective Randall drinking when Erika Jordan comes in to see him.

I’m amazed Detective Randall would want to return to the bar where he had to put down Carter Cruise.

Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

She takes him home since he is drunk, and they have sex. This one felt genuine like their characters had real feelings for each other. That was nice.

Now we go to Rick’s place where Sarah Hunter is in her best red dress. They have sex of course, but since Rick is suicidal, he essentially tries to kick her to the curb afterwards. Rick isn’t the brightest of people.

Lucky for Rick, our detectives get a hit that Sarah Hunter’s DNA was on the rock. You’d think Hunter would get Rick in the end, but she didn’t count on Detective Randall.

No one gets the final shot, but Detective Randall! Well, Erika Jordan gets in a shot too. I can’t think of any way to tie that in with Hunter playing Jade Empress in Bikini Avengers (2015). I’ve failed you.

Let’s wrap this up, Sal!

Detective Randall and Erika Jordan tell Sal the backstory on Hunter before getting a call for another case. Hunter was obsessive, which is what led her to become so attached to Rick that she killed to have him for herself.

“Pleasant dreams, my dear.”

This isn’t one of the best of these late night cable movies floating around. However, if you have to choose between this and Deadly Pickup, then this is definitely the one to watch. Billy Snow, Erika Jordan, and Sarah Hunter are three of the best actors in this movie. They carry the film. Deadly Pickup is dragged down by Carter Cruise trying to play a ditz when it really doesn’t seem to be in her wheelhouse. It’s noteworthy that this movie contains no girl-on-girl sex scenes. I was surprised. They always seem to find some way of working that in. I’m glad they didn’t though because it wouldn’t have made sense in this film, and they really do try to have a coherent story. The flashback sex scene is the only thing that stood out at me as not being necessary. You also get to see Jon Fleming do some acting instead of just showing up as a walking dead meat puppet in Deadly Pickup.

Still, I am waiting for one of these crime late night cable movies to measure up to Carnal Wishes (2015). Deadly Pickup is at the bottom, Wicked Deeds (2016) is in the middle, and this is the closest so far that I have seen.

Late Night Cable Movie Review: The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Posted on September 19, 2016 by Valerie Troutman

Yes, you read the title of the post correctly. No matter how much that title sounds like a Lifetime movie–it isn’t. I’m not sure how Dean McKendrick beat Doug Campbell to that title.

This time around we have one of those good old misleading posters.

Death also gives top billing to an actor who is well-known, shows up for one sex scene, and then is killed off. Better than the cameo appearance from Amy Lindsay in Carnal Wishes (2015) that probably accounts for 80% of the views I have on that review. She had as much importance in that movie as Colonel Sanders did in The Phynx (1970).

The Phynx (1970, dir. Lee H. Katzin)

That is to say, next to nothing.

That country road is also not to be found in the film. The car of course is impossible to be in this film considering it is a late night cable movie about a hitchhiker who kills her victims after having sex with them. There just isn’t enough room. You will also only see her hitchhike once in this film. However, she does pretty much look like that.

Anyways, the movie opens up with shots of the beach, including a seagull that is here to tell us Dean McKendrick also edited the film in addition to writing and directing it.

Then we find out that Dean McKendrick and Sal V. Miers joined forces to bring us this movie.

Does that mean we are going to get a genre spoof with progressive politics mixed together with sex? Not exactly.

Once the credits are done, our deadly pickup appears on the side of the road.

That’s Breezy played by Carter Cruise. They call her that because the movie was written by Dean McKendrick.

She is picked up by Josh (Michael Hopkins). He is headed for the local state university. She plays along till they have killed enough time for a sex scene to happen.

Once the scene is complete, she sticks him with a poisonous ring, and he dies.

She then makes a rather pitiful attempt to wipe the car of prints. That’s a little bit of the humor I would expect from Sal V. Miers since because it is softcore, there wouldn’t be the kind of DNA evidence you would expect from actual sex.

Now we meet a couple–Brian and Traci–who have a room for rent and are played by William F. Bryant and Kira Noir respectively.

Maybe it’s just because I recently read someone else’s review of Clueless (1995), but I took one look at her, and thought: Porno Stacey Dash. It’s actually kind of clever what they do with her. She will only have sex with her husband, which in turn, foreshadows the ending of the movie. The instant they are done having an exposition conversation to setup the plot of the film, Breezy shows up at their door.

Since none of the other actors are in need of a place to stay, they let her rent a room to help pay his college tuition while Traci works at a bar.

That’s when a cop shows up to discover the last sex scene.

He is played by Billy Snow, and his character is Deputy Randall.

Next, Breezy decides to take the slowest shower ever. Seeing as Traci is working at the bar, Brian is left alone to stumble upon her in the shower, and seems to be enjoying it more than the audience.

Traci gets home from work to find Brian very much in the mood for love. The plot will have to wait a bit.

Now we cut to an office, or somebodies house, where we meet Sheriff Bates played by Michael Gaglio.

You might recognize him from numerous films of this sort, but he has also appeared in and worked on other films such as Lifetime and SyFy movies. He even played Santa in the movie A Perfect Christmas List (2014).

He recognizes the M.O., and tells Randall to pull the file on a similar case in Nevada. He then sends him out to canvass the houses nearby where the incident occurred since there aren’t many in the area.

That’s plenty of plot for now, so Breezy discovers a guy named Rick (Jon Fleming) on the beach.

Lucky for them, he has a van parked nearby so they won’t have to worry about the sand. This really makes me wonder. Does she seek out people who have cars large enough to have sex in? Does she let the ones who don’t, live? Doesn’t matter, once the scene is done, he gets pricked by the poisonous ring too.

Deputy Randall then shows up at Traci and Brian’s place. He talks to them about the situation. Then Breezy walks in, so he talks to her alone. As he is leaving, we get this shot of Carter Cruise looking devious.

Now we cut to the bar where Traci works for that person who left a comment on my review of Bikini Model Mayhem (2016) that was disappointed they didn’t show the bartender more, and he didn’t have a sex scene.

That’s Charlie, played by Cody Deal. This whole conversation exists so that Charlie can’t point out the obvious to Traci. That being, that if a murderer is on the loose and a random woman showed up to live at your house, that it’s a good idea to look into her a bit.

Then we cut to the police station where Deputy Randall gets a call that they found a dead body on the beach. What?!? We just saw him alive a few minutes ago in between the two scenes above.

But seriously, he’s dead. I’m guessing something happened that I don’t recall, or they just decided they needed him killed off after some aborted plot they had in mind.

In between, Sarah Hunter shows up to make her Sophia Loren in Operation Crossbow (1965) cameo appearance.

Of course she ends up dead too. Breezy is an equal opportunity murderer. It’s a shame. I’m assuming since Sal V. Miers was involved in the production of this movie that after she broke out of prison in Bad Girls Behind Bars (2016), she lost her way, and wound up here to get murdered.

We’re getting down to the wire here as evidenced by Billy Snow’s intense look.

Breezy and Randall have a conversation at the bar. Traci goes back home to snoop in Breezy’s room. Breezy goes with Deputy Randall back to the police station because she needs to accidentally knock over his coffee. That can mean only one thing.

Since we need someone to stop Breezy, the sheriff shows up to interrupt her plans to murder him. The sheriff receives a call, and we find out Breezy’s real name is Brenda Johnson. She worked at her father’s factory that made rat poison.

Now Breezy catches Traci looking through her stuff, tries to seduce her, and is told she needs to be out by morning. Traci found some incriminating evidence, so she calls Deputy Randall. The call comes complete with flashbacks, and now Randall is out to catch Breezy.

But they save the best for last. Seriously, it’s like they were teasing the audience the whole time as to whether Charlie would have a scene. After they make good use of a pool table, Deputy Randall shows up to put a stop to the movie, so Breezy threatens to kill Charlie.

It’s funny, but during this brief scene, Carter Cruise suddenly goes from she can’t act to save her life to I want to see her in something where she doesn’t play a murderous ditz. Deputy Randall takes the shot, and Billy Snow gets to deliver a line he was probably dying for the chance to say.

Then we get what always feels weird when it happens in these movies–a happy ending I would expect from a mainstream TV Movie.

They get $50,000 for turning in Breezy, it pays his college tuition, and they decide to have children.

In summary, we have a couple who is tempted to cheat on each other by a woman who moves in with them, and it ultimately brings them closer together by resisting her temptations.

It’s not the worst I’ve seen. I’ve seen far far worse, but I would recommend some of the other late night cable movies I’ve reviewed like Bikini Model Mayhem instead. This, like Wicked Deeds (2016), seems to have been made off the heels of the film noir Carnal Wishes, but it just doesn’t come together as well, nor is as interesting. Also, if you want to see Sarah Hunter in something decent that I’ve reviewed, then watch Bad Girls Behind Bars.

Late Night Cable Movie Review: Bad Girls Behind Bars (2016, Sal V. Miers)

Posted on April 17, 2016 by Valerie Troutman

There! The first title card, or image on here I’ve had to black box. Thanks, Sal V. Miers! Seriously, I could use the title cards from Debbie Does Dallas (1978), Deep Throat (1972), and even Water Power (1977) just fine. Early 80s ones often look like the title cards for an ABC Movie of the Week for crying out loud! Why was this necessary? I mean that both ways.

That’s my first and last complaint about the director here because, just like his last film Bikini Model Mayhem, I enjoyed the movie. These very rarely turn me on, but Miers obviously knows that a lot of people who aren’t kids don’t watch most of these films for that reason. They watch for the laughs, the spoof, the jokes, the references, etc. He delivers. The central spoof here is of the Netflix show Orange Is The New Black. You knew that was coming because at least this time the title gives you an idea of what the film is going to be about. However, he works in several other references including one I’m really happy about because someone had to do it.

The movie opens up and we are introduced to Georgina (Jacqui Holland), Sarducci (Derrick Pierce), and what I’m pretty sure is a new breed of tribble. According to his credits on IMDb, Derrick here has played the porno version of Lex Luthor, Crossbones, Deadpool, and Bane.

Georgina is a reporter who is trying to get information from this mafioso type about what a Mr. Big did with $50 million dollars from a casino heist. He makes sure she isn’t wearing a wire, which means showing her breasts. We already saw that she is carrying a recorder and just put it in her purse. He’s not too bright. I think that tribble is leaching off his brain. She agrees to let him get his hands on her “fun bags”, but she would prefer a running joke of this movie…

be called the horizontal hula for now. Now we get an odd back and forth about saying yes and no. This guy plays it safe and is generally confused till she makes it clear that she really does mean yes. I really don’t know why it’s there other than to subtly put in a message here for people that unless the person explicitly says yes, then don’t take the chance. Of course they have sex now. The tribble decides to sit this one out. Georgina kindly tosses it on the floor.

Sarducci held up his end of the bargain and “filled [her] in.” Mr. Big has a mistress in prison named Renee Dobbins (Sarah Hunter) who is in jail and not taking interviews. That’s when I’m Shipping Up To Boston by Dropkick Murphys starts playing as we cut to jail because Georgina is going undercover to get the story she hopes will win her a Pulitzer.

Okay, I’m sure if Sal could have played it, then he would have. The movie does borrow the plot element from The Departed (2006) that you expect. She is lead down a hallway by a guy name Jenkins played by Andrew Espinoza Long. I’ve apparently seen every one of these he’s done. The best is easily when he played G.W. Bushwacker in Bikini Model Mayhem. He takes her to a cell, but is quickly whisked off to meet Warden Thorne.

Warden Thorne is played by veteran actor Katie Morgan. You may have actually seen her in mainstream fair such as Zack and Miri Make a Porno (2008) and L!fe Happens (2011). She’s here to tell Georgina about rough and tough prison life. She’s also here so Miers can begin the other running gag in this movie at the expense of director Jared Cohn and his stupid sexploitation film Jailbait (2014).

That’s right! Bras! This movie will make sure you know that women wear bras or bra tops. In Jailbait the lead actress would take off her top all the time. She never seemed to have a bra on. This movie makes sure you see it when the scene starts, often keeps them on for a portion of the scene, and has them put it back on afterwards.

Miers may not have been doing this for that reason, but I really like to think this movie is making fun of how ridiculous Jailbait was in that respect. Trust me. If you watch that movie, then you’ll understand.

The Warden tells Georgina that the person she is looking for is in solitary confinement and to keep all this on the down low. I love how they have Jacqui Holland basically do a porno version of Marilyn Monroe in these movies.

We never really believe that she’s an idiot, but she also never plays a character that is super savvy either.

Now Georgina returns to her cell and we meet Erika Jordan playing Crazy Ass. Aside from her numerous Late Night Cable movies, you just might have noticed her in a cameo appearance in Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! (2015). Makes sense. I’ve seen at least two actors from these movies show up in SyFy films.

We find out Crazy Ass once lost her girl cause she went straight. Georgina knows her pain because her lover found out he was gay and ran off with her brother. She also mentions that she hasn’t talked to him since the wedding. Based on the two movies I’ve now seen directed by Miers, it’s obvious he has set his guns on current political issues and is quite opinionated about them.

Meanwhile, we cut to the gym from Sexy Warriors.

Once again, they keep those tops on to one degree or another for a good period of their scene. This is probably as good a time as any to mention that we have the return of that awful music from some of the worst of these. At least we don’t get the Johnny Wet Pants song here.

After cutting to a shot of the corner of a prison fence, Crazy Ass reminds us there is actually a plot of sorts here. Then she reminds us that this isn’t Drive (1974), despite her threat here.

Also, it wouldn’t pan out because Georgina already had her tonsils removed.

Back in the cell, Georgina needs to make a phone call, which in the universe of an Orange Is The New Black spoof means reminding us about the running joke of the movie.

Again, the movie reminds us that women do indeed wear bras.

They also put them back on.

Georgina makes her phone call, but finds out the person who knew she was undercover in prison has died.

Notice they made sure to put everything back on the desk. Let that be a lesson to you people. If you are going to have sex in somebodies office, then do the courteous thing by cleaning up your mess. We now return to the cell.

Holland, you already made that threat back in Bikini Model Mayhem. You aren’t Arachne from Drive. Plus, if you keep saying that in these movies, then I’m never going to be able to watch the Hallmark movie Flower Shop Mystery: Snipped in the Bud without thinking about that. We are again reminded that women wear bras and are not just waiting around to lift up their top.

Miers put a not so subtle reference to another movie he recently released this year called Vixens from Venus on the wall in the form of a poster of the solar system. At least it doesn’t say it’s from 1991. What the hell was that in Trancers 6 anyways?

Now Miers takes a pot shot at Clinton and his “definition of ‘is’ is” line before cutting to the lunch room so we can finally be introduced to the one other character you have to spoof from Orange Is The New Black.

That’s Sarah Hunter doing her impersonation of actor Laura Prepon’s character Alex Vause. It’s been about a year or so since I’ve watched Orange Is The New Black, but I think Hunter did a good job here. They not only got the look right, but Sarah does the voice as well and the way she carries herself in general. Kudos to you, Sarah. This is Renee Dobbins.

Now the film introduces how this movie is going to end.

No joke. French Toast that is hard as a rock will be Georgina’s salvation here.

After a conversation to mention there really is meant to be a plot here, Jenkins gets called into the Warden’s office so the movie can remind us that the new Star Wars movie has a porny title.

I love the storage cabinets next to him. Looks like something I could go downtown and buy at The Container Store.

Back in gym, Dobbins shows up to play guess who. Then they have sex because Dobbins needs to make sure that Georgina is going to choose to be with her. This is also part of the spoofing of Orange Is The New Black where the show always teased us whether Piper was a lesbian or bisexual. At least up till the point I stopped watching it.

I love how it now cuts to random shots of prison fences like it does throughout, but then immediately cuts to Georgina finishing burping the worm.

Jokes on him though because she won’t be there in the morning. Turns out Dobbins has been digging a hole with the hard French Toast. By a hole, I mean this.

We also find out that Dobbins was Mr. Big the whole time. She has $50 million dollars waiting on the outside for them. We also find out that the Pope may “shit in the woods”, but Georgina isn’t sure. Then they escape, but not before making a joke that it’s funny for a lesbian convict to tell Georgina to keep going straight. The next morning, Jenkins shows up for his burping, Crazy Ass says they’re not there, and she’s happy for them. End of sort of story.

This one isn’t as good as Bikini Model Mayhem. This one does do far less spoof and more sex. That’s unfortunate. However, this one does something I haven’t seen in any of these. It shows a blooper.

Apparently, he did use the force. Too much force.

Late Night Cable Horror: Erotic Vampires of Beverly Hills (2015, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Posted on January 30, 2016 by Valerie Troutman

I’ve said it several times about him, but now I have found the female equivalent of Frankie Cullen. I watched and reviewed Bikini Model Mayhem, and while this isn’t as good a movie, Jacqui Holland still shows that she is too good for these movies. I’ve seen her in a few other things, but it’s these two films that show her acting ability. I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise that she has numerous B-Movie horror films lined up. I’m obviously not the only one that has taken notice.

Anyways, let’s talk about Erotic Vampires of Beverly Hills.

The movie opens up on what I would swear was stock footage from Roger Corman’s The Raven (1963). Inside the castle we meet Vlad (Daniel Hunter) and he’s brought a woman back to the castle so the movie can open up with a sex scene, but oh no!

Guess that’s a vampire cum shot. Oh, and he bites her, thus turning her into a vampire. Stupid Vlad, he wasn’t supposed to be feeding on people anymore. I mean the show True Blood exists so that means they have synthetic blood in the kitchen. Morticia (Adriana Chechik) isn’t happy with him.

Just as they are talking, Sarah Hunter playing Alexa bursts into the castle and kills the new vampire with holy water.

Yes, yes, yes, I’m aware, so here it is.

Since Alexa is on their trail it means it’s off to their summer home in Beverly Hills.

You know you have been watching some interesting movies when you look at that shot and remember the last time you saw it in a movie there was a pterodactyl flying nearby.

Now we meet Bob (Brandon Ruckdashel) and Jane (Jacqui Holland). Bob is a lawyer cause I guess those sets are cheaper than if he was a surgeon. Jane is a philanthropist of sorts. She’s upset that Bob has forgotten about her fundraising group for the next day. Her charity is The Society to Help the Itinerant Transients. Go ahead and say it, Bob.

Cue Holland and one of her comical facial expressions.

After Bob gets hit on by his secretary, we see Jane notice that some people are moving in nearby during the middle of the night. Of course it’s Vlad and Tish. Vlad puts his face in her crotch and is thankful this isn’t the 1970s. Tish jumps up and down on Vlad’s lap. Then they do what the movie Black Love (1971) taught me is called “dog fashion.” It’s important to get the technical terms correct here.

Bob comes home to find Jane is a little shaken up. I would find it a little odd too, but Bob raises some good points such as that burglars don’t normally turn on lights so everyone knows they are there. Then he tries to make up for missing their romantic dinner. And by that I mean he makes a face that looks really painful out of context.

Not sure what Jane is doing down there, but I’m sure Bob is now free of all the lint in his belly button.

The next morning Bob’s secretary (Jazy Berlin) pays Jane a visit and it turns out the fundraiser was going to do well. I mean she got a band to play called The Winking Vaginas and everything. However, as soon as she sent out an email blast about it, people kind of bailed on her. Bob’s secretary sees the obvious problem.

The girls go and snoop on the house a bit but find nothing of interest. Back at Bob’s office he and the secretary pretend they actually have anything to do with the plot before they do something…make faces…and who really cares. Back to Jane. After reminding Bob that there is nothing wrong with the actor down the street who jogs in the nude, Jane says that she is going to go over and introduce herself to the new neighbors.

Jane quickly discovers something isn’t right when they don’t reflect in her compact, and makes a quick exit. She immediately goes to a bar. That way Alexa can show up to remind us she was once in this movie.

She’s also there so she can stumble into Jane. The two of them talk and now Alexa knows where the vampires are and Jane knows she’s not crazy. Of course she goes home drunk.

Hey Bob! You’re married to a human being, not Winnie the Pooh having a nightmare. The next day Jane and Alexa go an snoop around the vampire’s home. They even find empty coffins. Empty coffins can mean only one thing. It means the two of them go back to Jane’s place and have sex. I love how much trouble it appears that Holland has getting her awfully tight green dress off here.

After the scene that’s there to remind us that most female porn stars have a no bare feet clause in their contract, we get Vlad and Tish discovering someone has been in their home. Then Vlad leaves to have a snack. Who really cares. It’s time for Jane to go and face down these vampires.

One minute you are trying to stop a vampire with a cross, a vampire killer comes in equipped with weapons, but with a little magic you are suddenly in the middle of a threesome. Happens to the best of us. I like the part of this scene where it appears Holland is really trying to stay near the bottom of the frame as she moves into a different position so that she doesn’t completely obscure the camera.

The film now comes to an end by making sure we know that Jane and Bob are still together and that the seductive secretary is out of the picture. That’s because she’s a vampire now.

Overall, this isn’t that good. McKendrick and Holland have done better. If you are looking for a better showcase of Jacqui Holland’s talents, then watch Bikini Model Mayhem. It’s a better film all the way around.