Sandy Brooke | Through the Shattered Lens

On the planet of Arous, Taura (Sandy Brooke) leads a group of dwarf miners in rebellion against the international empire. The empire sends Captain Bantor (Ross Hagen), Krago (Michael D. Sonye), and the Inquisitor (Aldo Ray) to capture Taura and put down the revolution. When Bantor attempts to attack Taura, he sticks his hand in a volcanic acid plume and screams as it dissolves. Taura is arrested. Judge John Carradine sentences her to a term on Vehemence, a spaceship that serves as an intergalactic women’s prison.

Star Slammer is a Women In Prison film that happens to be set in space. Taura makes an enemy of the sadistic warden (Marya Grant) and her henchwoman, Muffin (Dawn Wildsmith). Taura also befriend Mike (Susan Stokey) and the two of them plot to overthrow the guards and make their escape. When the now crazed Bantor boards the ship, Taura sees her chance. Meanwhile, the prisoners have to deal not only with pervy guards but mutant rats.

Legend has it that Fred Olen Ray had rented Roger Corman’s New World Pictures studio for four days so that he could shoot some extra scenes for his film Biohazard. Ray finished his Biohazard work in one day and then spent the other three days filming promotional footage for the film that would become Star Slammer. He used props that were left over from Galaxy of Terror and was able to get Aldo Ray to come in for a day so that the footage would feature “a name.” Producer Jack H. Harris looked at the footage and put up the money to shoot the rest of the film on the condition that Ray change the title from Prison Ship to Star Slammer.

Amazingly, the resulting film itself is not that bad. Ray used the outer space setting as a way to both indulge in and poke fun at the common tropes of the Women In Prison genre and Sandy Brooke and Susan Stokey both turn in committed performances. Ross Hagen laughs like a maniac and demands vengeance for his missing hand while trying to get his remaining hand on a mind control device. The prisoners are kept in check by promises of prizes and free trips in return for good behavior. A thoroughly deformed guard is promoted as a sex symbol and there’s a sharp wit to many of the scenes. Star Slammer is much more clever and fun than anyone would have any right to expect it to be.

You’re sitting down and you’re watching the 1985 slasher film Bits and Pieces on YouTube.

“The Bits and Pieces Murderer has struck again!” a television news reporter solemnly intones after a homeless woman finds a dismembered body in a trash bag.

Meanwhile, in a dark bedroom, a phone rings and wakes up Lt. Carter (Brian Burt), a balding man with a mustache. He answers it and is told that the murderer has struck again. “SHIT!” he yells….

A few blocks away, a sweaty man named Arthur (S.E. Zygmont) sits in a filthy basement, surrounded by plastic mannequin heads, half-eaten breakfasts, and flies. He hears a voice telling him to kill and he says, “Yes, mommy…”

Down the street, in a club that appears to be populated largely by elderly woman, the world’s greasiest male strippers perform while a deathless song plays in the background. Do you want/want my body/do you like it like that....

The next morning, college student Rosie Talbot (Suzanne Snyder) tells her mother about the strip club. “I was surprised by the wide variety of the routines,” she says as her mom nods along. Rosie says she never would have had the courage to go to the club if not for her best friend, Tanya (Sheila Lussier). However, for some reason, Tanya is not answering her phone….

That night, Arthur has flashbacks to being abused by his mother so he kills again. When the latest body is found, Lt. Carter receives that call. “SHIT!” Lt. Carter yells….

The next morning, Rosie looks at the newspaper and sees a drawing of the girl who was found in the trash bag and she immediately screams because it looks just like Tanya! She meets Lt. Carter who asks her if Tanya had any strange sexual proclivities. “What type of sexist question is that!?” Rosie shouts….

Later, Rosie walks through a strip mall and runs into her friend Jennifer (Tally Chanel). Rosie tells Jennifer about Tanya but then mentions that she did meet a really handsome policeman and that’s been the only good thing about her day. “That sounds promising!” Jennifer says….

Meanwhile, Arthur lurks behind them, unnoticed despite his unwashed hair, his skinny black tie, and the look on his face that practically screams, “I am a psychopathic murderer and I’m stalking you.” A random man bumps into Arthur and Arthur falls to the ground. “Watch it, apple ass,” the man snaps….

A few hours later and Lt. Carter calls Rosie at home. Carter tells her that this is a social call. Would she like to spend the day at the beach with him? That seems like a great way to forget about all the dead people who are piling up around the city. “I’m really looking forward to it!” Rosie says….

Meanwhile, Arthur flashes back to his mother’s boyfriend forcing him to put on lipstick….

And so it goes.

There’s actually a pretty charming little story about this film. It was told by a student who had just completed a film class. On the last day of class, the professor announced that he was going to show the class an example of how “not to make a good movie.” The movie that he showed was Bits and Pieces and the professor was the also the film’s director. (For the record, the director also appears in the film, as the guy who calls Arthur an apple ass.)

Bits and Pieces may be a bad movie but it’s so amazingly inept that it becomes oddly fascinating. The night scenes were clearly filmed at night, meaning that it’s often next to impossible to see what anyone’s actually doing for at least 10% of the movie. In the role of Arthur, S.E. Zygmont gives a performance that’s so over-the-top that it bring to mind the “Egyptian feast” scene in Herschell Gordon Lewis’s Blood Feast. (“You waaaaaaant to plaaaaaay….” Arthur hisses, at one point.) As well, I don’t know if there’s many other movies out there that mix scenes of brutal murder with scenes of a middle-aged police detective and a young college student happily frolicking on the beach. I guess brutal murder and intense emotional pain brings out the romantic side in some people. The fact that the blood and gore looks real while everything else feels fake gives the film a strangely surreal feel.

Bits and Pieces is currently on YouTube, proving that even inept movies will live forever.