Richard Speight Jr | Through the Shattered Lens

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Freddy’s Nightmares, a horror anthology show which ran in syndication from 1988 to 1990. The entire series can be found on Tubi!

This week, it’s Halloween in Springwood!

Episode 2.4 “Photo Finish”

(Dir by Tom DeSimone, originally aired on October 29th, 1989)

This episode starts with Freddy welcoming us to a special Halloween episode of Freddy’s Nightmares. Because it is the season, Freddy actually plays a role in both of this week’s stories and it must be said that they are both rather gruesome, even by the standards of this show.

In the first story, photographer Stoney Adler (Patty McCormack) is commissioned to take some photos for a Halloween spread that will appear in Kink Magazine. Stoney is amazed at how good her models are at pretending to be scared. That’s because they’re all actually terrified because they keep seeing Freddy. Stoney isn’t aware of Freddy’s presence, at least not until Freddy drives a stake through the heart of one of her models. Stoney tries to avoid doing any more horror shoots but she takes on one final assignment. Freddy appears and asks Stoney, “Do you want me to make (the model) scream?” Stoney says yes. Freddy plucks out Stoney’s eyes. That certainly does lead to some screaming.

The second story feature three FBI men trying to figure out why a suburban father shot his wife and daughter the night before Halloween and then apparently slit his own throat. One of the agents — a profiler who owes more than a little to William Petersen’s performance in Manhunter — figures out that Freddy possessed the father. Freddy, however, then possesses another one of the FBI agents and the tragedy plays out a second time. The profiler ends up with his throat slashed, slowly dying while the camera lingers on him. There’s no way this episode didn’t inspire a few nightmares.

This was a good episode. It was scary, it was gory, and it was definitely designed to offend people who weren’t into horror. This episode was exactly what you would want Halloween with Freddy Krueger to be. The second season continues to be a hundred times better than the first.

The 2006 film, Open Water 2: Adrift, is a film about a group of people who are literally too stupid to live.

Now, that may sound like a harsh judgment but just consider what this film is about. A group of shallow friends get together for a birthday party on a yacht. They head out to the middle of the ocean. One-by-one, they all get into the water. One of the friends has been terrified of the water ever since her father drowned in front of her. She doesn’t want to get in the water so, of course, the owner of the boat picks her up and jumps overboard with her. With the exception of a sleeping infant, everyone is now in the water.

Oh! And guess what!

It didn’t occur to anyone to lower the ladder before getting in the ocean. That means there’s no way to get back on the boat! And now, everyone’s stuck in the water where they’ll presumably eventually die of either hypothermia or just general stupidity. They’ll also end up yelling at each other and arguing about whose fault it is. They’ll all discuss issues of wealth, religion, and envy. There’s nothing like a weighty theological discussion being conducted by a bunch of idiots floating in the ocean.

Of course, they do make a few attempts to get back on the boat. One guy tries to use a knife to climb back up the side of the boat but he just ends up getting stabbed instead. An attempt to grab hold of an American flag just leads to desecrated symbol of patriotism. One girl decides to pray, just to be reprimanded by the group atheist. At one point, everyone takes off their swimsuits and they attempt to tie them into a makeshift rope. It doesn’t work but now everyone’s naked. This movie knows what it’s doing.

We get a lot of shots of people floating listlessly in the ocean. In order to pad out the run time, there’s a lot of pointless slow motion. Amy (Susan May Pratt), the hydrophobe, has a flashback to her father’s death and it’s amazing how little sympathy the film manages to generate for someone who watched helplessly while a parent drowned. Because Amy’s supposed to be scared of the water, she spends most of the movie floating around with this dumbass look on her face. I’m a hydrophobe too. If I found myself in this situation, I’d probably scream until I exhausted myself and drowned. But I wouldn’t float around with this stupid beatific look on my face.

This film was sold as being a sequel to Open Water, though it actually went into production before Open Water was released. After Open Water was a surprise box office success, the film’s title was changed from Adrift to Open Water 2: Adrift. There are obvious similarities between the two films but the major difference is that the couple in Open Water ended up stranded through no fault of their own. On the other hand, the folks in Open Water 2 were just too dumb to lower a ladder.

Open Water was effective but depressing. Open Water 2 is just kind of stupid.