Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.18 “Symbol of Death”

Posted on November 12, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Baywatch Nights tries to open an X-File.

Episode 2.18 “Symbol of Death”

(Dir by Richard Friedman, originally aired on April 19th, 1997)

After he’s found wandering around the city and babbling incoherently, Daimont Teague is taken to the hospital. Mitch and Ryan are called to come get him but, by the time they show up, Teague has already wandered off. Teague’s doctor hands Ryan a blue rock that Teague wanted her to have. Suddenly, there’s an explosion in the hospital. Mitch falls to the floor, holding his knee. A wild-eyed man wearing a beret (Terry Kiser) grabs Ryan’s purse. Ryan chases after him and beats him up in the parking lot. Ryan is more upset over her purse nearly being stolen than she is over an apparent terrorist bombing at a hospital. And I don’t blame her! I’d kill to protect any of my purses.

The purse thief turns out to be George Wilson. Wilson explains that he’s a writer and an expert on UFOs. He believes that aliens are already on the Earth and that there’s a huge interstellar conspiracy that controls everything that happens on this planet. (Of course, this show has already established that it’s actually the Knights Templar who control everything.) The blue rock contains some sort of alien presence that apparently possessed Teague and is currently causing him to stumble around the city. Wilson and Ryan team up to track down Teague and protect him from the aliens. It doesn’t make any damn sense but let’s just go with it.

Due to Mitch injuring his knee when that bomb went off, the Hoff is barely in this episode. For that matter, neither Griff nor Donna are in this episode, either. I’m going to guess that this was a cost-cutting measure on the part of the producers because, if there’s any episode in which it would have made sense to call in Griff and Donna, it’s this episode. They could have helped in the search for Teague. As it is, it falls to Ryan and Wilson to do most of the searching. Terry Kiser, who is best known for playing the titular Bernie in Weekend at Bernie’s, is always an amusing presence and he seems to be having a ball playing such a paranoid character. That said, it’s hard not to be a little bit amazed at how quickly Ryan is willing to forgive him for trying to steal her purse.

This episode owed a lot to the X-Files, with its aliens and its murky talk of conspiracies. Unfortunately, it lacks all of the atmosphere necessary to really make its conspiracy-fueled plotline compelling. Despite all of the Dutch angles that are used in this episode, this is still basically a sunny and rather corny Baywatch spin-off. Rather than leaving me feeling paranoid, this episode just let me thinking about silly this whole series truly is. Don’t get me wrong, of course. It’s fun. But it’s also definitely very, very silly.

There’s only four more episodes of Baywatch Nights left to review. I’m going to miss this show after I finish.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.13 “Nights to Dragon One”

Posted on October 8, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Mitch and Ryan play a deadly game!

Episode 2.13 “Nights to Dragon One”

(Dir by Richard Friedman, originally aired on February 16th, 1997)

Mitch and Ryan are hired to discover what has happened to a father and his daughter. When last seen, they were entering a mysterious building. The father was a lifelong adventurer and he had apparently heard that the building was home to “the ultimate game.” Along with daughter, he had to play. Now, they’re both missing.

So, of course, Mitch and Ryan enter the building and soon find themselves in a computer-simulated dungeon, complete with traps, deadly archers, random flames, and a cackling Game Master (Vincent Schiavelli) who occasionally materializes so he can taunt Mitch and Ryan about their lack of progress in the game.

Ryan is actually excited about playing the game, explaining the she played an earlier version of it when she was in college. All Mitch cares about is saving the man and his daughter. Mitch doesn’t get the point of computer simulations and virtual reality and all that sort of thing. Mitch probably thinks that email is just a fad as well. Mitch is the guy who goes to an escape room and, instead of reading the clues, just tries to break the door down.

And yet, it’s Mitch who ends up entering and winning the final confrontation with the Game Master, even though Ryan points out that it would make more sense for her to do it because she’s actually played the game before. Sorry, Ryan. The Hoff is here to save the day so just stand back and be quiet, I guess.

Vincent Schiavelli is a welcome presence as the Game Mater and he at least seems to be having fun with his role. That said, this is the worst episode of Baywatch Nights that I’ve seen so far and that includes out of the episodes from the non-supernatural first season as well. A huge problem is that the game itself is just boring. Mitch and Ryan have to make their way through a corridor of laser beams. Mitch and Ryan have to avoid the arrows being shot at them by a mysterious archer. Considering that this is a computer simulation where, in theory, anything could happen, this episode is a huge missed opportunity. Things should have been a lot stranger than they were.

Finally, this is one of those episodes where the camera never stops moving. As opposed to being disorientating or frightening, the constant movement just becomes annoying. There’s only so many Dutch angles that can be used in one scene before they lose their effectiveness.

This game could have been a lot of fun but instead, it’s just kind of dull. The Hoff wins but honestly, I feel like I could have won it as well. The Hoff/Angie chemistry is still strong but it’s not enough to save this middling episode.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.10 “Space Spores”

Posted on September 17, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, the threat comes from space!

Episode 2.10 “Space Spores”

(Dir by Richard Freidman, originally aired on January 19th, 1997)

Having completed another intergalactic mission, the Space Shuttle Discovery returns to Earth. Of course, when I say Earth, what I actually mean is America because we all know which country is the most important around here.

Unfortunately, the Discovery also spreads a bunch of “space dust” over a small farm in California. It wasn’t intentional on the part of the Space Shuttle crew. Those people are saints! Instead, it’s just one of those accidents that happens. The problem is that space dust is a lot more dangerous than Earth dust. Earth dust can trigger asthma attacks (believe me, I know), while space dust can cause animals to explode.

At first, the government shows up at the farm, all decked out in their HAZMAT gear. A few days later, Daimont Teague drags Mitch and Ryan out to the farm so that they can take another look. Daimont doesn’t bother to give either Mitch or Ryan a HAZMAT suit and he also doesn’t bother to tell them what exactly they’re looking for. He says he wants them to keep their minds fresh but I think it’s more a case of Teague just being a dick. I mean, why would you task a lifeguard with investigating space dust?

While Daimont goes off to meet with his connections in the government, Mitch and Ryan investigate the farm. They discover that the space dust has caused a lot of animals to explode. They also discover the farmer is dead but his young daughter, Katie (Ashley Buccille), has survived. Unfortunately, when the family dog explodes, Ryan and Katie end up covered in space dust. Now, Mitch and Griff (who shows up because he apparently has nothing better to do on a Sunday night) have to get Ryan and Katie to a decompression chamber before the space dust causes them to explode. Unfortunately, there’s a lot of evil government types who are more worried about the public learning about the space dust than they are about saving the lives of Ryan and Katie.

I was kind of surprised by how much this episode depressed me. It was entirely due to the exploding animals. We only actually see a rat and then the dog explode but apparently, a cat explodes off-screen and so do several other animals. I always get upset when bad things happen to animals on shows like this. For whatever reason, I don’t really seem to care that much when the same thing happens to a human being. Some of that’s because I’ve seen all the other human beings on other shows. I was glad that Angie Harmon didn’t blow up because Angie and I are both Texas girls and we vote the same way. But even if Mitch hadn’t been able to save Ryan, I know that Angie would have still gone on to appear on Law & Order and Rizzoli & Isles after this show ended. Whereas with animals, I don’t have that reassurance.

This episode, I didn’t really like. I appreciated the anti-government theme but all of the exploding animals just weren’t for me.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Monsters 1.19 “Rain Dance”

Posted on February 7, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire show is streaming on Tubi.

This week, a rather predictable story is saved and elevated by one truly impressive monster!

Episode 1.19 “Rain Dance”

(Dir by Richard Friedman, originally aired on April 22nd, 1989)

Tonight’s episode of Monsters deals with a couple living in a shack in the middle of the desert. Tom Solo (Kent McCord) is a self-styled treasure hunter who thinks that he can get rich by swindling the indigenous people out of their valuable artifacts. His wife, Vanessa (Teri Copley), is sick of living in the desert and just wants to return to civilization. Vanessa is extremely vain. Tom is extremely smug. It’s easy to imagine how they got together but it’s bit more difficult to understand why they’re still together.

When an angry old woman (Betty Carvalho) shows up at the shack, she spends a few minutes yelling at Tom for trying to take advantage of her people and then complains about the drought that is destroying their land. She says that her people found and tamed the land and that some day, the land will again belong to them. She also gives Tom an artifact, a statue of what Tom assumes he’ll be able to get a few bucks for. Myself, I would probably turn down the statue because it is seriously creepy.

Yikes!

Of course, it turns out that Tom is wrong about having any chance of making money of the statue. The statue is a rain idol, one that comes to life in the middle of the night to stalk both Tom and his wife. When confronted by the statue, both Vanessa and Tom are transformed into statues that crumble into dust. The next morning, the old woman comes by to retrieve her idol and happily says that the rains will now come to wash away the dusty particles that were once the Solos.

Again, yikes!

Seriously, this was not a particularly complicated episode of Monsters. From the start, it was obvious that Tom and Vanessa were going to pay for their exploitation of the natives and it was also obvious that, since neither one of them had any redeeming qualities, neither would survive the night. And, as soon as the old woman showed up with that statue, it was pretty obvious what the instrument of their doom would be. Vanessa was established early on as being obsessed with keeping her skin from drying out in the desert heat so I wasn’t surprised when she eventually started turning into sand.

It wasn’t surprising but it still worked because the monster was scary!

Seriously!

The end result was an effective morality take about the perils of greed and assuming you’re more clever than you actually are. In many ways, this could have been a particularly macabre episode of The Twilight Zone or Night Gallery. Monsters is at its best when it offers a scary monster and a dark ending and this episode certainly did that.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Baywatch Nights 1.3 “Silent Witness”

Posted on November 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, an detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997. The entire show is currently streaming on Youtube!

This week, Mitch proves that he still has much to learn about being a private investigator.

Episode 1.3 “Silent Witness”

(Dir by Richard Friedman, originally aired on October 14th, 1995)

Have you ever wondered why Mitch’s career as a private investigator didn’t last longer than just two years?

The simple answer, of course, is that Baywatch Nights did not exactly get the best ratings and the show was canceled after two seasons. Despite the fact that Baywatch Nights is an undeniably fun show, it was undoubtedly harmed by the fact that it didn’t feature lifeguards running in slow motion. It was a Baywatch spin-off that had little of what attracted viewers to the original show. Personally, I would think that the presence of David Hasselhoff would be enough but apparently, audiences in the 90s disagreed.

However, in-universe, I think Mitch’s failure to stick with the detective thing is that it doesn’t appear that he was very good at it.

Consider this episode. Hayley Cartwright (Paige Moss) is a teenage runaway who, while walking along the beach, spots a man in the ocean being pulled under the water and drowned by someone wearing a diving outfit. The murderer emerges from the ocean and tries to grab Haley. Haley gets away but not before the killer shouts at her to keep quiet or she’ll be next.

Mitch, who is jogging across the beach, spots a stunned and bruised Haley collapsing on the beach. Mitch checks out her injuries and assures her that she’s okay but Haley, who is understandably scared of everyone, runs away from him.

Later, Mitch is approached by a woman (Debby Boone) who says that her name is Lorraine and that she is Haley’s daughter. Lorraine says that she just wants her daughter to come home and she asks Mitch to help find her. Mitch agrees and sets out to find Haley while giving Lorraine regular updates.

Here’s what Mitch does not do. He doesn’t bother to ask for any identification from Lorraine. He doesn’t check out Lorraine’s story before agreeing to help her. He doesn’t stop to consider that Haley might have a reason for acting like she’s scared for her life. And really, it would have been good if Mitch had considered all of that because guess what? LORRAINE IS NOT HALEY’S MOTHER! Instead, she’s working with the killers!

Fortunately, Haley’s real mother (Janet Eilber) shows up and tells Ryan and Garner that she’s looking for her daughter. Ryan and Garner actually ask the woman for identification and the woman reveals that she not only has her driver’s license but she also brought Haley’s birth certificate! It’s a good thing that Haley’s real mom showed up because Mitch has found Haley hiding on a fishing boat and now, he’s having to defend her from the killers! Now, fortunately, Mitch may not be a good detective but he’s still David Hasselhoff so he is able to beat up the killers and save Haley’s life.

It’s a fairly standard episode, in that it’s not particularly memorable but the California scenery is nice to look at and it’s a show you can relax with. That said, the episode does have a brilliant opening, in which Mitch and Garner save Destiny from some bank robbers that are menacing her in an amusement park. This leads to a fight on a Ferris wheel and a miracle-go-round. Destiny is nearly run over by a miniature train! It’s a fun and over-the-top sequence, one that has next to nothing to do with the rest of the episode but it does indicate that the people involved in the show knew better than to take any of this too seriously.

Finally, Ryan gets a minor plot, in which she buys a home in Malibu, just to discover that she’s basically purchased land in a trailer park. It was silly but it showed off Angie Harmon and David Hasselhoff’s likable and playful chemistry. Watching the two of them together, it’s hard not to regret that Mitch wasn’t a better detective.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Friday the 13th: The Series 1.7 “Doctor Jack”

Posted on November 17, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!

This week’s episode of Friday the 13th: The Series is actually really good!

Episode 1.7 “Doctor Jack”

(Dir by Richard Friedman, originally aired on November 9th, 1987)

Dr. Vincent Howlett (Cliff Gorman) has a reputation for being a miracle worker. He’s the surgeon who is called in to do the difficult operations that no other surgeon would have the courage to try. Somehow, despite all of the complex surgeries that he has been involved in, he has never lost a patient. The local Toronto hospital is very happy to have Dr. Howlett on staff.

However, Dr. Howlett’s success rate is not just a case of medical skill. He owns a special, lucky scalpel. He purchased it from a knife dealer who earlier purchased it from — you guessed it! — the cursed antique shop. The scalpel is from the Victorian era and it once belonged to none other than Jack the Ripper! The scalpel can make any surgery a success but it demands blood as payment. So, before every surgery, Dr. Howlett has to go out and find someone to murder.

Searching the scalpel as a part of their mission to track down all of the cursed antiques, it doesn’t take long for Ryan, Micki, and Jack to track the scalpel down to Dr. Howlett. However, when Ryan tries to steal the scalpel, a chase through the hospital ensues. When Jack distracts Howlett long enough for Ryan and Micki get away, Jack ends up getting thrown down an elevator shaft.

Jack survives his fall but he’s suffered some terrible internal injuries. In fact, he’s going to need surgery! Fortunately, the best surgeon in Canada is on staff at the hospital. As much as Ryan and Micki want to steal that scalpel, they know that Howlett is going to need it if he’s going to save Jack’s life.

Meanwhile, Jean Flappen (Eva Mai Hoover) is stalking the hallways of the hospital, carrying a gun and hoping to get revenge on Dr. Howlett for the murder of her daughter….

Yikes! Hospital’s are creepy in general but they’re even more creepy when the head surgeon is carrying around a scalpel that once belonged to Jack the Ripper. (Of course, in reality, it’s doubtful that Jack the Ripper was actually a doctor. In all probability, he was a butcher in all definitions of the word.) This episode makes great use of the hospital setting, creating an atmosphere of perpetual unease. It was a genuinely scary location and, for once, the fact that Friday the 13th didn’t have a huge budget worked to show’s advantage. The shots of the empty and shadowy hospital hallways, without even an extra or two populating them, were truly ominous.

Cliff Gorman also gave a wonderful performance as Dr. Howlett, playing him as the type of arrogant jerk who knows that he can get away with being unlikable because he’s the best at his profession. The scene where Howlett can’t find his scalpel and has a sudden meltdown really drives home the idea that the owners of the cursed antiques have become addicted to using them. As soon as Howlett can’t hold his scalpel in his hands, his smooth façade crumbles and he starts going through what can only be called withdrawal.

With its creepy atmosphere and Gorman’s sinister performance, Dr. Jack is the best episode of Friday the 13th that I’ve reviewed so far.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Friday the 13th 1.6 “The Great Montarro”

Posted on November 10, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!

This week’s episode of Friday the 13th is all about magic, blood, and costumes!

Episode 1.6 “The Great Montarro”

(Dir by Richard Friedman, originally aired on November 2nd, 1987)

This week’s episode opens with a magician named Fahteem (August Schellenberg) performing his signature trick. He steps into the Cabinet of Doom and, once he’s sealed inside, several sword blades are driven through the cabinet. Somehow, Fahteem always survives without a scratch and the audience is always amazed. What the audience doesn’t know is that the Cabinet is a cursed antique. Before each performance, Fahteem drugs a woman and locks her in another cabinet. The blades kills whoever is in that cabinet while leaving Fahteem untouched. Of course, if no one is in the other cabinet than the blades will kill whoever is in the Cabinet of Doom. That is something that Fahteem discovers when an unknown perpetrator decides to take the cabinet away from him.

After Fahteem is murdered, Jack, a former musician who was an unfriendly acquaintance of Fahteem, discovers that the Cabinet of Doom was actually purchased from the antique store. Jack decides to return to the world of magic and magicians so that he can track down the cabinet. Helping him, and getting to wear a cute assistant’s uniform, is Micki. Ryan also helps but he doesn’t get anything cute to wear.

It turns out that the cabinet is now in the possession of the Great Montarro (Graeme Campbell) and his wife, Lylah (Lesleh Donaldson). Realizing that Jack is trying to take away the cabinet, Montarro and Lylah are soon targeting him and trying to make his signature trick into a fatal one. Seeing as how that trick involves Jack being tied up in a sack that is then set on fire, that might be an easier task than it sounds.

This is the bloodiest episode of the show yet, with the camera focusing on the gory results of every failed trick. Blood drips from cabinets. Blood spreads across stages. Watching the show, you really do find yourself watching why there’s so many spikes and blades just lying around. Apparently, audiences for magic shows are not satisfied unless there’s a chance that they might see someone die in a terrible fashion. In the role of Jack, Chris Wiggins appears to be having a ball performing magic tricks and, as a result, both Micki and Ryan spend most of the show standing off to the side. Fortunately, Wiggins is a lot of fun to watch in this episode. The joy that he takes from pulling off the perfect trick is contagious. The overall episode is a bit too slowly paced but at least almost everyone gets to wear a nice costume.

Next week, Jack, Ryan, and Micki try to recover a cursed scalpel!

October Hacks: Doom Asylum (dir by Richard Friedman)

Posted on October 5, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Well, this is dumb.

1987’s Doom Asylum opens with a tragic auto accident. Attorney Mitch Hansen (Michael Rogen) is out for a drive with his girlfriend, Judy (Patty Mullen). When Mitch crashes his car, Kiki loses a hand and dies on the spot. Mitch lives but he’s so horribly disfigured that everyone assumes that he’s dead and he’s sent to the morgue. When two coroners attempts to slice him open, an angry Mitch responds by killing the coroners. Personally, I imagine that Mitch could have just sued them for malpractice because he was, supposedly, an attorney. Oh well, whatever. Mitch looks like crap now and he has a bunch of surgical tools. Now, he just needs a deserted asylum and a bunch of dumbass teenagers.

Ten years later, a bunch of dumbass teenagers show up at a deserted asylum. They want to have a picnic. Unfortunately, a local riot grrrrl band is already using the asylum for band practice. The two groups try to co-exist but it proves to be difficult. The band sees the teenagers as being sell-outs. The teens view the band as just being noisy and obnoxious. Water-filled condoms are tossed at the teens. Meanwhile, one of the teens shuts off the power so the band can no longer practice. One of the teens is played by Kristin Davis, years before she would find fame as Charlotte on Sex and the City. Another one of the teens is Kiki (Patty Mullen), the daughter of Judy.

Anyway, Mitch is also living in the asylum and he gets annoyed with both the band and the teens so soon, he’s following everyone around and using his stolen surgical tools to kill anyone that he manages to catch alone. Making Mitch’s job easy is the fact that everyone keeps wandering off by themselves, even though the asylum is obviously a dangerous place and it often doesn’t make any sense to wander off. It also helps Mitch that both the teens and the members of the band never seem to actually try to run or anything whenever Mitch shows up with a surgical drill or with a bone saw. Instead, they just kind of stand there while Mitch drills out their brains. Poor Kristin Davis actually sits down in a chair while Mitch is approaching her, as if she figured that she might as well be comfortable for whatever was about to happen. This being a late 80s slasher film, Mitch has a series of one-liner, the majority of which appear to be related to his former profession as an attorney. Unfortunately, the sound quality is so bad that I had a hard time understanding the majority of his quips.

Give credit where credit is due, the deserted asylum is a wonderfully creepy location and, just judging from all of the graffiti on the walls, I assume it was also an authentic location as well. The scenes were the camera prowls through the deserted hallways were genuinely effective. But, otherwise, the film can’t overcome the combination of bad acting, a seriously lame script, and some risible attempts at comedy. There’s a lot of blood but it ultimately doesn’t add up to anything more than another generic slasher.

Horror on TV: Friday the 13th The Series 1.7 “Doctor Jack”

Posted on October 4, 2021 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Tonight’s episode of Friday the 13th: The Series finds Micki, Ryan, and Jack investigating a series of slashings that might be connected to a renowned surgeon named Vincent Howlett (played by Cliff Gorman, who also played an actor based on Dustin Hoffman in Bob Fosse’s All That Jazz). Howlett has a 100% success rate and he owes it all to his antique scalpel. Unfortunately, it turns out that there’s a deadly and bloody price for Howlett’s success in the operating room….

This episode was written by Marc Scott Zicree, who also wrote the definitive guide to the original Twilight Zone. The plot — with its theme of a man doing great evil so that he can do great good — certainly feels like it wouldn’t have been out of place as an episode of Rod Serling’s classic anthology series.

This episode originally aired in 1987, on November 9th (hey, that’s my birthday!)

Enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7caEmm80Tw

Horror on TV: Baywatch Nights 2.18 “Symbol of Death” (dir by Richard Friedman)

Posted on October 17, 2020 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The 17th episode of Baywatch Nights was called The Servant and it featured Mitch and Ryan fighting a mummy! Unfortunately, it’s also one of the few episodes to not be available on YouTube, or at least not in watchable form. (There’s a sped-up version where the image is so oddly cropped that it’s basically unwatchable but that’s about it.)

So, we’ll have to skip The Servant and instead move onto Symbol of Death which features an apparent alien abduction. If nothing else, this episode shows what a debt Baywatch Nights owed to The X-Files.

This episode originally aired on April 19th, 1997!

Enjoy!