Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back Kotter 1.15 “The Sit-In”

Posted on July 22, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Gabe teaches the Sweathogs how to fight the man!

Episode 1.15 “The Sit-In”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 13th, 1976)

As this episode begins, Gabe is running late but he still takes the time to tell Julie about his Uncle Bernie. Apparently, Uncle Bernie was always late because he was always fighting with his wife. Aunt Helene always said Bernie was going to be late to his own funeral. Bernie replied that he was going to be buried at sea. I didn’t get it either but at least Gabe got to tell his joke. That seems to be important to him.

You know what isn’t a joke? Food fights at school! Mr. Woodman shows up in Gabe’s classroom, wearing a raincoat and a hat because he says that he’s heard that the Sweathogs are going to start a food fight in the cafeteria. Gabe argues that the Sweathogs would not start a food fight in the cafeteria without protecting themselves, just for the Sweathogs to all show up for class wearing costumes that range from a football helmet to a fireman’s uniform to a doctor’s mask to a garbage bag. (Not surprisingly, Horshack is the one who went with the garbage bag.)

“They’re not people, Kotter, they’re not people!” Woodman announces.

“Why didn’t you tell me today was going to be dress-up day?” Gabe asks, “I could have spray-painted my suit and came as a subway train.”

It turns out that the Sweathogs are planning a food fight as a protest against the cafeteria serving liver for lunch. Kotter encourages the Sweathogs to work through the system and put together a petition. When he tells this to Woodman, Woodman replies, “What system, Kotter? There’s only one system here! You’re free to do as you’re told! …. We all have to eat this swill and if I die, I’m taking all of you with me.”

(Woodman, to my surprise, is quickly becoming my favorite character on this show. John Sylvester White’s portrayal, with its suggestion that Woodman is slowly losing his mind, never fails to make me smile.)

Realizing that the petition isn’t going to do the job, Gabe encourages his students to stage a sit-in. For some reason, they all sit down in the classroom instead of the cafeteria. After several hours, Woodman steps into the classroom and discovers the sit-in. Gabe tells Woodman that they’re committed. “If you’re not committed, you should be,” Woodman says, before madly laughing.

Though the Sweathogs want to go home, Gabe demands that they stay in the room and protest. (One gets the feeling that Gabe is once again forcing the Sweathogs to take part in his own midlife crisis.) The Sweathogs agree to continue to the sit-in.

That night, Gabe and Epstein keep everyone amused by doing their imitations of Groucho and Chico Marx.

Unfortunately, it didn’t occur to anyone to bring food into the classroom and the Sweathogs, suffering from hunger pains, once again start to abandon the protest. Gabe tells them that they can’t leave but the Sweathogs are starving! Suddenly, Julie shows up with a picnic basket and announces that she has brought everyone “my famous tuna casserole.” The Sweathogs decide to starve. Gabe tells Julie that not even famine victims would eat her tuna casserole. Ouch! Honestly, if I was Julie, I would leave at that point and just let everyone starve but Julie announces that she used to organize sit-ins in college and she’s staying and she’s even brought pillows and blankets.

Gabe announces that it’s time for everyone to get some sleep for the night. Barbarino tells Gabe that he always sleeps in the nude. “Go ahead,” Gabe says and the audience goes crazy because seriously, young John Travolta was insanely hot. Barbarino disappoints everyone by saying that it’s too cold for him to sleep in the nude. Boooo!

Gabe turns out of the lights. Horshack starts to cry because he doesn’t have his teddy. “You can’t have your teddy,” Gabe replies. “How about Mrs. Kotter?” Horshack asks. “You can’t have my teddy either,” Gabe replies. Meanwhile, Barbarino says his prayers and Epstein says, “Send my regards.” This leads to the Sweathogs debating what God is like. Epstein thinks he sounds like John Wayne. Washington thinks that God has a jazz band. Julie says that God is love and “that if God was here, he would love my tuna casserole.”

And you know what? This is actually a surprisingly sweet scene but I still have no idea how doing a sleepover in a classroom, something that the Drama Club did on a nearly weekly basis when I was in high school, is going to get the liver out of the cafeteria.

The next morning, Woodman comes by the classroom and discovers that everyone spent the night. Woodman says that it doesn’t make a difference because no one cares if the Sweathogs spent the night in the classroom but then a bunch of regular students show up and say they’re joining the sit-in.

“Down with liver!” everyone starts to chant.

Woodman announces that there will no longer be any liver in the cafeteria because “the real students don’t like it either.” So, basically, the Sweathogs still don’t matter. They got what they wanted but not because they wanted it. That’s kind of sad really.

Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie a story about his Uncle Jack and how his wife fell out of an airplane. Does it concern Julie that all of Gabe’s jokes are about husbands killing their wives? I mean, I would be careful about bringing up the tuna casserole around him.

Anyway, this was actually a pretty likable episode and an example of what a talented cast can do with an otherwise middling story. During the firsts season, at least, this show was very good about giving every member of the cast a chance to shine.

Next week, we have a two-part episode in which Vinnie Barbarino drops out of high school!

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 1.13 “Arrivederci, Arnold” and 1.14 “The Longest Weekend”

Posted on July 15, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Horshack gets promoted and Julie finally leaves Gabe!

Episode 1.13 “Arrivederci, Arnold”

(Directed by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on December 16th, 1975)

In their tiny apartment, Gabe tells Julie about his uncle, Malcolm Kotter. Malcolm was a traveling salesman who left an umbrella in his hotel room. When he went to retrieve the umbrella, he discovered the room was now occupied by a couple on their honeymoon. Listening to their coital exchange from out in the hallway, Malcolm shouted, “Listen, when you get to the little umbrella, it’s mine!” For once, Julie laughs at the joke.

At school, Mr. Woodman interrupts Gabe’s lesson on Thomas Edison to announce that Arnold Horshack has been doing so well in Gabe’s class that he is now eligible to attend regular classes. Gabe is excited because not only does he now feel like a good teacher but he also sees Horshack as a symbol that proves that even the most difficult of students can be taught. As for the other Sweathogs, they’re just confused.

Horshack, meanwhile, is miserable about going to a class without his friends and he’s even more upset when Gabe tells him that he should try to make new friends and fit in with the regular students. Horshack is so upset that he goes to Kotter’s apartment building and turns down the heat so that Gabe will leave the apartment to complain. With Gabe gone, Horshack slips in through the window and begs Julie (who seriously has the patience of a saint in this episode) to convince Gabe to “like me again.”

Awwwwwwwww!

Seriously, Horshack is a character about whom I usually have mixed feelings. Of all the Sweathogs, he’s always come across as being the most cartoonish. In fact, one could even say that Horshack’s a bit annoying. But, in this episode, Ron Pallilo really broke my heart with how he played Horshack’s desperation to return to his old class. He breaks Julie’s heart too and, after Horshack says that he’ll jump off the highest building in Brooklyn if he’s not returned to his old class (yikes!), Julie makes Gabe see the error of his ways.

How can the Sweathogs convince Mr. Woodman to put Horshack back in Kotter’s class? They put on a play for him, in which they all talk about how important Horshack is to them. Gabe plays the role of Horshack, just for the real thing to wander into the classroom and announce, “I don’t have a mustache.”

Woodman agrees to let Horshack be a Sweathog again. For the most part, I think Mr. Woodman just wanted to escape Gabe’s classroom and return to the safety of his office. I don’t blame him!

Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie about the parrot that his cousin bought for his aunt. His aunt ate the parrot.

I felt bad for the parrot but otherwise, this was a sweet episode. I’m glad Horshack returned to where he belonged.

Episode 1.14 “The Longest Weekend”

(Directed by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 6th, 1976)

At the apartment, Gabe tells Julie about his aunt Esther, who has always dreamed of getting a singing telegram.

Because she feels like her life has gotten boring, Julie goes to Vermont for a weekend ski vacation. Gabe says that he’s not worried about her being away from him but then he has a conversation with Mr. Woodman in which Woodman tells Gabe about how his fiancée went to Vermont on a ski trip and never returned because she fell in love with a German ski instructor. Woodman says that, as far as he knows, his ex is currently living in the Alps with her husband, who is now pretending to be Swiss. So Mr. Woodman’s fiancée left him for a Nazi war criminal? No wonder Mr. Woodman seems to have so little faith in humanity!

Feeling lonely, Gabe invites the Sweathogs over to his apartment so that they can play poker. However, even the Sweathogs realize that this is a strange thing for a teacher to do with his students and they leave after playing just a few hands. Just as Gabe is about to go up to Vermont himself, Julie comes home early. Apparently, her friend Candy Lieberman was getting on her nerves by talking too much.

With Julie back from Vermont, Gabe tells her about his Uncle Sanford the lumberjack.

This was an odd episode. This show works best when it focuses on the school and not Gabe’s homelife. Other than giving the great John Sylvester White a chance to reveal a little more of just how damaged a person Mr. Woodman truly is, this episode was fairly forgettable.

Next week: The Sweathogs protest the new cafeteria menu! It’s time for a sit-in!

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 1.11 “Barbarino’s Girl” and 1.12 “California Dreamin'”

Posted on July 8, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Barbarino gets a girlfriend and Gabe nearly gets killed by Julie.

Episode 1.11 “Barbarino’s Girl”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on November 25th, 1975)

At the start of this episode, Gabe tells Julie a joke about his uncle and a monkey. I didn’t get it. Julie didn’t look that amused either.

At school, the Sweathogs are not in a good mood because it’s report card time! Gabe tells the Sweathogs not to panic because apparently, even if they are failing Social Studies, they still have time to raise their grades. (So, I guess Gabe is handing out progress reports as opposed to report cards.) Epstein has a note from his mother’s doctor explaining that any bad grades would be bad for her health. (He actually has several notes, one for each class.) The note is signed “Epstein’s Mother’s Doctor.”

Freddie, meanwhile, tries to bribe Gabe with a half-eaten apple while Horshack falls to his knees and begs for a good grade. Only Barbarino doesn’t beg, probably because he knows that he’s the best-looking guy in the school and when you’ve got a smile like that, who needs brains?

Gabe passes out the report cards. Epstein says, “Thanks for killing my mother.” Freddie takes back his apple. Horshack starts to laugh in his braying way. Gabe asks Horshack what’s so funny about his bad grade. Horshack replies that he’s laughing at Barbarino’s even worse grade. Barbarino, it turns out, actually does care about his grades because his mother is a saint who apparently hits him with rosary beads whenever he brings home a bad grade. Gabe says that he can’t just pass Vinne to be nice. He asks what Vinnie would become if everyone just passed him without checking to make sure that he actually learned something. “A high school graduate,” Vinnie says and he has a point.

Speaking of high school and grades and getting held back, I noticed that Barbarino, Freddie, Epstein, and Horshack appear to be the only regular members of the class. This episode featured a lot of students getting upset over their report card and I think one reason they struggled with Kotter’s class is that none of them had ever attended before. Seriously, who are half these people!? I definitely would have noticed that goony redhead sitting in the corner if he had ever attended class before this episode.

Gabe arranges for Barbarino to get some tutoring from Judy Borden (Helaine Lembeck), the same girl that ran against him for student body president. Though Judy and Barbarino initially don’t get along, they soon bond of their shared love of rhyming insults. Unfortunately, the other Sweathogs give Barbarino a hard time about his new friendship with Judy and Barbarino is stunned when Judy turns down his offer of a date. However, Judy later changes her mind and goes to Coney Island with Barbarino and the Sweathogs. Awwwww!

Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie a joke about his cousin, Gorgeous Jerry Kotter. It was short joke and apparently, the point was that Gorgeous Jerry had a lot of back hair.

This episode pretty much existed so that John Travolta could do his dumb but sweet routine and I have no problem with that because he did it very well and he showed off that smile that could light up a room. Plus, Barbarino and Judy Borden were a cute couple. That said, I’ll be surprised if their relationship is ever mentioned again.

Episode 1.12 “California Dreamin'”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on December 2nd, 1975)

At the apartment, Gabe tells Julie a joke about the time that his teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence. Gabe replied, “I didn’t sign it.” Later, Gabe’s father came to the school and backed him up. Good for him.

Back at school….

Hey look! The goony redhead is back!

And the goony redhead gets some company when Mr. Woodman stops by the classroom to introduce a transfer student from California. Her name is Bambi (Susan Lanier) and she tells everyone that she loves the beach. She also requests that everyone call her Sunshine.

All the Sweathogs are smitten but Bambi seems to be more interested in Mr. Kotter, asking him what his sign is. Gabe reveals that he’s an Aquarius. “I knew it!” Bambi shouts. Bambi asks Gabe to show her around. Gabe suggests that she ask one of the Sweathogs. “They’re not groovy like you,” Bambi replies.

After the school day ends, Gabe returns to his apartment. Julie asks him why a girl named Sunshine has been repeatedly calling the apartment and asking whether or not Gabe wants to go skinny dipping. Julie is so annoyed that she even puts on her glasses so that her withering stare can be magnified.

Julie asks Gabe if he has anything to say for himself.

“Yes,” Gabe replies, “Can I go?”

Gabe explains that Sunshine has a crush on him but he also tells Julie that he’ll explain to Sunshine tomorrow that they cannot run off together. He says that he’s sure that he can get Sunshine to understand and, “If she doesn’t, I promise I’ll write.” Julie attacks Gabe with a pillow in a way that suggests that she’s genuinely furious with him. Reportedly, Marcia Strassman and Gabe Kaplan did not get along during the production of Welcome Back, Kotter and, in this episode, Julie really does seem like she’s just looking for an excuse to kill her husband.

Back in the classroom, each Sweathog tries to impress Bambi. Epstenin chants her name. Horshack shows up with a walking stick, an overcoat, and sunglasses and pretends to be a Hollywood producer. Freddie sings a calypso song about how Santa Claus is black. Barbarino rushes into the room and sings, “I’m singing ba-ba-ba-ba-Barbino!” while the audience goes crazy.

Gabe, however, asks to speak to Bambi in the hallway. He reveals that he checked her records and discovered that she’s not from California. She’s from Lubbock and she’s been to 11 different schools, where she has always caused trouble. Bambi decides to show Gabe what type of trouble she can cause by entering the room and announcing that her pencil is on Gabe’s desk. Barbarino, Freddie, Epstein, and Horshack lunge for it.

After Gabe points out how foolish everyone is acting over her, Bambi sees the folly of her ways and tells everyone the truth. The Sweathogs are very forgiving, probably because the last thing they were interested in, as far as Bambi was concerned, was what state she was from.

Back the apartment, Gabe wakes up Julie in the middle of the night to tell her about his Uncle Herbie. Julie rolls her eyes as Gabe talks about how his Aunt Estelle tried to trick Herbie into giving up alcohol and how it didn’t work.

I liked this episode more than I thought I would. My family moved around a lot when I was growing up so I could relate to how Bambi felt about having to always make a big first impression at every new school that she went to. Even if Marcia Strassman seemed to be annoyed by his very existence, Gabe Kaplan gave a good performance in this episode, especially in the scene where he confronted Bambi with the truth about her background. All in all, this was a pretty good episode.

Next week — Horshack gets promoted out of remedial classes!

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 1.9 “Mr. Kotter, Teacher” and 1.10 “The Reunion”

Posted on July 1, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Mr. Kotter fights for his job and, even worse, has to have to dinner with two old acquaintances from his high school days.

Episode 1.9 “Mr. Kotter, Teacher”

(Directed by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on November 4, 1975)

Gabe tells Julie a joke about two men who were both named Bernstein. The punchline is, “You don’t want me, you want Bernstein the Spy on the second floor!”

At school, Gabe has got a problem! When Woodman step into the room to observe Kotter’s teaching style, he’s stunned to discover that Kotter and the Sweathogs are sitting in a circle on the floor and that they’re talking about their future ambitions. Freddie says he wants to own the world’s tallest building and call it the Boom Boom Building. Barbarino says that he wants to be an actor like Marlon Brando and then he and Epstein act out a scene from The Godfather. (Incidentally, John Travolta does a pretty good Brando.) Gabe is amused but Woodman is not. Woodman demands that Kotter teach from the textbook. Kotter points out that the textbook is out-of-date and there’s nothing in it to which the Sweathogs can relate. Woodman promptly suspends Gabe and orders him to attend a disciplinary hearing.

This episode suffers from a bit of early installment weirdness and it wouldn’t surprise me if it was originally meant to air earlier in the season. For instance, Woodman is a lot meaner than usual. Over the past eight episodes, Woodman has often gotten frustrated and annoyed with Kotter but there’s also been a grudging respect between the two. That Woodman would be shocked by Kotter’s teaching methods and would try to get Kotter fired as a result doesn’t really fit in with what we’ve previously seen of Woodman. In fact, when Woodman previously taught Gabe’s class, he revealed himself to be a good teacher who was willing to engage with the students on their level. Previously, Woodman has been grumpy and eccentric but he’s never really been malicious.

As well, in this episode, Kotter’s suddenly gets a best friend named Charlie Piper (Arnold Soboloff). Charlie is a science teacher who drinks alcohol from a beaker. He attends Gabe’s disciplinary hearing as a character witness and, at one point, mentions that he’s known Gabe ever since the school year began …. four week ago. Again, it’s hard to believe that the previous eight episodes all occurred over the span of just a month.

Fortunately, the Sweathogs sneak into the disciplinary hearing. Eptein and Washington pretend to be window cleaners. Horshack pretends to be a janitor. Vinnie shows up dressed as a cleaning woman. They all testify that Gabe is the best teacher that they’ve ever had. The arbiter of the case, Ms. Riley (Hope Summers), is moved by their testimony and Gabe keeps his job, though he is told to start using the text book. Gabe responds by putting the book on his head and teaching the Sweathogs about good posture.

Back at his apartment, Gabe tells Julie a joke about his grandmother and a cursed ring.

This episode wasn’t bad, it just felt out of place. I appreciated Gabe’s defense of his students, in which he argued that they weren’t dumb but that they just needed a teacher willing to speak to them about their lives as opposed to someone just requiring them to memorize facts and figures. But, as I said before, Woodman is a lot more effective as a half-crazed eccentric than as a flat-out villain. Again, we’ll just describe this episode as being the result of early installment weirdness.

Episode 1.10 “The Reunion”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on November 18th, 1975)

Gabe asks Julie if he ever told her about the time that his Aunt Lucille took driving lessons. “No,” Julie says, “but I think I’m going to hear about it.” Not noticing that Julie doesn’t sound particularly enthused about hearing about any of this, Gabe explains that his Aunt Lucille had no idea how to signal when she was making a turn. Julie gives him a pity laugh.

Despite all the jokes, Gabe is not in a good mood. Two of his high school acquaintances, Lyle (Michael Taylor) and Mary Frances (Bridget Hanley), have invited themselves over for dinner. Not only does Gabe resent the fact that Lyle and Mary Francis always seemed to be “perfect” in high school but Julie is also planning on cooking her tuna casserole! In fact, Gabe seems to be more upset about the tuna casserole than about having to spend a night entertaining Lyle and Marcy Francis.

Naturally, after Gabe complains about the reunion during his social studies class, the Sweathogs put on their best suits and show up on Gabe’s fire escape while he’s entertaining Lyle and Mary Francis. The Sweathogs even bring food because they somehow know how terrible Julie’s tuna casserole is. Gabe confesses that he may not be as rich or as perfect as Lyle and Mary Francis but he’s happy because he’s getting to teach a great group of kids. Lyle explains that he was always jealous of Gabe because Gabe got to have fun as a Sweathog while Lyle always had to be “perfect.” Gabe learns that it was silly for him to be insecure and Lyle learns that there is more to life than just being fabulously wealthy. Awwwwwww!

Later, Gabe tells Julie a joke about an Italian man singing opera while barbecuing. The meat gets set on fire.

This episode wasn’t bad. It was interesting to see Gabe revealing that he’s not always happy about being an underpaid teacher who is probably never going to be able to afford a big apartment and it was also kind of touching to see how much both Gabe and his students cared about each other. Still, you do have to wonder why Julie keeps making the tuna casserole since literally no one in New York City is willing to eat it.

Next week: Vinnie gets a tutor!

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 1.7 “Classroom Marriage” and 1.8 “One Of Our Sweathogs Is Missing”

Posted on June 24, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Freddie wants to get married and Epstein loses his confidence.

Episode 1.7 “Classroom Marriage”

(Dir by Bob LoHendro, originally aired on October 21st, 1975)

In their cluttered little apartment, Julie is shocked to discover that Gabe is not only awake at midnight but that he’s also sitting out on the fire escape with a basketball. Gabe explains that he’s depressed. He knows that there’s something going on with the Sweathogs but none of them trust him enough to come to him. In a perfect example of “Be careful what you wish for,” the phone rings.

Julie answers the phone and tells Gabe, “It’s Boom Boom.”

“Boom Boom who?” Gabe replies.

Of course, it’s Freddie “Boom Boom” Washington. Freddie says that he and his girlfriend need Gabe’s advice and that they’re on their way over. No sooner has the call ended then someone knocks on the door. Julie answers it and Vinnie, wearing a trench coat, rushes into the apartment.

After explaining that he can’t afford to be seen talking to a teacher, Vinnie explains that Freddie is planning on getting married. Suddenly, someone else knocks on the door. Vinnie hides in the bathroom.

Rosalie Tosty (Debralee Scott) enters the apartment, wearing a trench coat because she doesn’t want anyone to see her talking to a teacher. She explains that Freddie is getting married. Someone knocks on the door. Rosalie says she’ll hide in the bathroom.

“Vinnie’s in there!” Julie says.

Rosalie smiles and says that’s fine before joining him.

Kotter opens the door and Epstein, wearing a trench coat and a fake mouth on the back of his head, enters the apartment. Epstein says that Freddie is getting married and Vinnie is driving everyone crazy with his attempts to talk Freddie out of it. Someone knocks on the door. Epstein hides in a closet.

Again, Kotter opens the door. Horseshack enters, wearing a gorilla mask. He explains that he’s fine with Freddie getting married because he thinks it’s very romantic. Someone knocks on the door. Horseshack ducks out the window and hides on the fire escape.

Once again, the door is opened. Freddie enters, accompanied by his girlfriend Vernajean (Vernee Watson). Freddie explains that they’re getting married because Vernajean’s father is moving to Staten Island and Freddie can’t stand the thought of her living in a different borough. Gabe attempts to talk them out of getting married by talking about how difficult it would be for them to even find someone in New York City to marry them. “I mean,” Gabe says, “you could lie about your age and go to Maryland but….”

Freddie smiles. “We could lie about our age and go to Maryland!” Freddie thanks Gabe for the advice and then leaves.

This whole sequence is an example of the first season of Welcome Back, Kotter at its best. Yes, it’s very busy and frantic but the entire cast shows off perfect comedic timing, from John Travolta and Debralee Scott to Robert Hegyes and Ron Palillo. Robert Hegyes is especially funny as he captures Epstein’s mix of earnest eccentricity. And, to top it all off, the expression of Gabe’s face when he realizes that he’s accidentally convinced Freddie to get married is simply priceless.

Fear not. The next day in class, Gabe has Freddie and Vernajean do an exercise where they pretend to be married. They’re able to handle having Horseshack as their son but the pretend marriage pretty much falls apart as soon as Gabe shows up and demands that they pay him the rent. In the end, Freddie admits that he only asked Vernajean to marry him because he was afraid that she would forget about him after she moved to Staten Island. Vernajean assures him that could never happen. Awwwwww!

This was a sweet and funny episode. When Gabe ended the episode with a corny joke about his astronaut uncle, Buzz Kotter, you couldn’t help but feel that Gabe had earned the right to make his little joke. He did a good job.

Episode 1.8 “One Of Our Sweathogs Is Missing”

(Dir by Bob LoHendro, originally aired on October 28th, 1975)

Gabe tells Julie a rather macabre joke about his uncle who is marrying his fourth wife. Julie asks about the other three wives. Gabe explains that the first and second wives died from eating poisoned mushrooms and the third died from a fractured skull “because she wouldn’t eat the poisoned mushrooms.” Yikes! It’s hard not to feel that Gabe was warning Julie about rolling her eyes at any more of his jokes.

Meanwhile, at the school, the Sweathogs are excited when Todd Ludlow (Dennis Bowen) challenges Epstein to a fight. However, they are shocked when Epstein — voted most likely to take a life — is easily beaten by Ludlow. After Vinnie, Freddie, and Horseshack have a good laugh over Epstein and his black eye, Epstein runs off and disappears for three days.

Feeling guilty, Barbarino sets up Epstein Central in the classroom:

Mr. Woodman comes by, searching for his red phone. When the phone rings, Woodman insists on answer it himself.

It turns out that Julie is calling for Gabe, in order to tell him that Epstein has shown up at their apartment and locked himself in the bathroom. While Gabe heads home, Julie asks Epstein if he wants anything to drink. Epstein replies that he’s not worthy of anything good to drink but he would happily accept a flat and warm beverage.

Fortunately, Gabe shows up. Epstein agrees to come out of the bathroom as long as Gabe promises not to look at him. While Gabe stares at the lamp, Epstein explains that he only came by the apartment to say goodbye. He feels that his fearsome reputation was the only thing that Epstein had going for him. (Awwwww! Poor Epstein!) Gabe finally looks away from the lamp and tells Epstein that he’s a smart and energetic young man with a lot of potential. Seriously, this scene was so achingly sincere and well-acted by Gabe Kaplan and Robert Hegyes that it was impossible not to be touched by it.

Anyway, it all works out in the end. The other Sweathogs show up on Gabe’s fire escape and they declare their friendship for Epstein. Epstein agrees not to run away. He calls home and tells his mother that he’s okay. His mother tells him to have dinner with the Kotters because his family has already eaten that day. The audience laughs but that’s actually one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard.

With everything resolved, Gabe tells Julie a story about his Uncle Bernie, who never took a bath.

Like the one that preceded it, this was a funny and surprisingly sweet episode. Welcome Back, Kotter is turning out to be a lot better than I was expecting.

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 1.5 “The Election” and 1.6 “No More Mr. Nice Guy”

Posted on June 17, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Vinnie Barbarino runs for president!

Episode 1.5 “The Election”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on October 7th, 1975)

At their apartment, Gabe asks Julie if he ever told her about the time that he thought he was adopted. Julie, looking very concerned, tells Gabe that he has never told her about that. Gabe replies that he was worried until the night of his high school graduation, when his father, Ling Ping, told him that he was not adopted. Julie is very amused, especially when Gabe imitates Ling Ping’s accent. It was 1975.

Speaking of 1975, America was in the early days of the ’76 presidential election when this episode aired. On the Republican side, Richard Nixon had resigned. Gerald Ford was President but was being challenged for the nomination by Ronald Reagan. On the Democrat side, Ted Kennedy’s refusal to say whether or not he was running left the party feeling as if they had been driven off a bridge and left to drown. Dull Henry Jackson and racist George Wallace were the front runners, even though an obscure and not particularly well-regarded governor named James Carter was insisting that people should give him a look. My point is that it was a political time and it’s not surprising that this episode of Welcome Back, Kotter reflected that.

How did the show reflect that? By having Vinnie Barbarino run for student body president!

Epstein is Vinnie’s campaign manager, which means that he spends his time hanging out in the hallway and threatening people until they say they’ll vote for Vinnie.

Washington is Vinnie’s press secretary and happily shows off his ability to avoid taking a definite stand on any issue.

And Vinnie’s slogan? Vote for Vinne and nobody gets hurt.

“I’m a law and order candidate,” Vinnie explains, “I make the laws and I give the orders.”

Running against Vinnie is Scott Phillips, the president of the Debate club and Judy Borden who, according to Horseshack and Epstein, “is so fat that last year, she ran for homecoming queen and was elected the float.” Perhaps realizing that the election is not going to make his remedial class look like the future upstanding citizens that he claims they are, Kotter encourages Barbarino to run a real campaign, one that will make people reconsider the way that they view the Sweathogs.

“If elected,” Barbarino says, “there will be less homework.”

“How are you going to keep that promise?” Kotter asks.

“If I’m president, I’m going to do less homework.”

Unfortunately, Vinnie gets tired of Kotter pressuring him to take the election seriously and he decides to withdraw as a candidate. No sooner has the bell rang and the Sweathogs have left the classroom then Scott and Judy (who is not fat at all) enter the classroom and inform Mr. Kotter that, due to all of the Sweathog bullying, they’re withdrawing as well.

Realizing that the Sweathogs have a chance to win their first ever victory at Buchanan High, Kotter has a meeting with Barbarino and Epstein and attempts to talk Barbarino into running again. Barbarino is not interested until he learns that Scott and Judy have quit. Kotter admits that he made a mistake in pressuring Barbarino to change his image but he does ask Barbarino if he wants to win the presidency just because Scott and Judy were intimidated into quitting.

“Yeah,” Barbarino replies.

Scott and Judy arrive at the office and Kotter leaves them alone with Barbarino and Epstein so they can work out their problems.

Which I guess they do because the episode abruptly jumps to election day. Barbarino and the Sweathogs are convinced that Barbarino is going to win. However, Mr. Woodman stops by the room and announces that Scott won the election. In order to cheer up Barbarino, Kotter points out that Barbarino got 47 votes. (He also mentions that Scott got 322.) Barbarino points out that, if he stays in school long enough, he’ll win an election eventually. That’s the spirit!

Back at the apartment, Kotter tells Julie a story about how his family’s chicken recipe isn’t that good.

As is becoming a recurring theme with these Welcome Back, Kotter reviews, I enjoyed this episode a lot more than I thought I would. From Barbarino’s earnest stupidity to Epstein’s cheerful love of violence, this episode featured the students at their best and, even more importantly, Mr. Kotter really did seem to care about whether or not Barbarino learned something from his experience as a political candidate. Even Mr. Woodman’s barely supressed glee over Barbarino’s defeat made me smile. This was a good episode.

Episode 1.6 “No More Nice Guy”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on October 14th, 1975)

At the apartment, Kotter tells Julie about the time he dated a girl who was just like his mother. “What happened?” Julie asks. “My father hated her,” Kotter says, with a big grin. (In response, Julie smiles politely.)

At the school, Kotter witnesses Mr. Woodman having a nervous breakdown because someone has been stealing the chalk from his classroom. Realizing that Woodman is having an existential crisis, Kotter suggests that Woodman should go out with a friend and have dinner. Woodman interprets this as Kotter inviting him over to his apartment.

That night, after a little awkward conversation, Kotter and Julie both tell Woodman that he should get back into teaching. (Kotter explains that Woodman was the greatest history teacher that he ever had. Woodman says that it was because he has always enjoyed talking about guns and war.) Woodman takes Kotter’s advice and, the next day, he teaches the Sweathogs about the Revolutionary War.

He starts the lesson by dressing up as a redcoat.

He ends it by transforming into George Washington.

The Sweathogs love the lesson and Mr. Woodman is overjoyed to discover that he can still teach. Unfortunately, Woodman is so happy that he stops being a disciplinarian. This means that Mr. Kotter now has to be the disciplinarian. Soon, the Sweathogs are angry at Kotter and chaos is running rampant through the school. Fortunately, Kotter discovers that the Sweathogs have been hiding Woodman’s chalk in his desk. When Kotter shows Woodman all of the stolen chalk, Woodman snaps back into being his usual grouchy self.

Back at the bar, Kotter tells Julie about what happened when a man and a mouse walked into a bar. Julie has the patience of a saint.

This was a good episode, largely because it highlighted John Sylvester White’s wonderfully eccentric performance as Mr. Woodman. White played Woodman as a man who was always on the verge of having a complete breakdown and he got a lot of laughs from the way his facial expressions and his body language with communicate Woodman’s repressed rage. This episode, White showed us another side of Woodman and proved that he could be just as funny while being likable as he was when he was being an obsessive authoritarian. It was hard not to get caught up in Woodman’s joy over getting to teach but it was also hard not to feel a bit of relief when Woodman went back to being his usual self. The high school, like any institution, needed someone who was willing to play the bad guy. Again, this was another episode that was far better than I was expecting.

Next week …. Freddie’s getting married!

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 1.3 “Welcome Back” and 1.4 “Whodunit?”

Posted on June 10, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Well, let’s check in with Brooklyn….

Episode 1.3 “Welcome Back”

(Dir by James Komack, originally aired on September 23rd, 1975)

“I remember my first day….” Gabe Kotter narrates as the viewer watches him and Mr. Woodman walk down the distressingly dirty hallways of James Buchanan High.

It’s a flashback episode! Well, kind of. The third episode of Welcome Back, Kotter was actually the show’s pilot. As Kotter’s voice-over only makes one appearance at the start of the episode, it’s pretty obvious that it was a last minute addition to explain why the third episode featured Kotter meeting the Sweathogs for the first time. Apparently, the folks at ABC felt that The Great Debate episode worked better as an introduction to the show than the pilot. I’m not sure why, as the pilot does a perfectly serviceable job of introducing everyone.

Kotter is not particularly enthused about returning to the high school from which he graduated ten years prior. Mr. Woodman isn’t happy to see Kotter again, either. As they walk down the hallway, Mr. Woodman is still accusing Kotter of having started a food fight in the cafeteria. (Woodman insists that it was a riot.) Woodman says that since he doesn’t have any choice about Kotter being assigned to his school, he’s going to assign Kotter to teach the worst kids in school, the Sweathogs!

Entering his classroom, Kotter asks the students to introduce themselves. Not surprisingly, only four of them actually do so. Vinnie Barbarino stands up and shows off the smile that made John Travolta a superstar. Epstein is introduced as being the student who is “most likely to off someone.” Epstein explains how his ancestors were the first Epsteins to land in Puerto Rico. Freddie says, “Hi there.” And Horseshack laughs in that grating way of his. Kotter attempts to teach his class by allowing them to sit wherever they want and then engaging in a game of the Dozens with Barbarino.

“Up your nose with a rubber hose,” Barbarino says and the audience goes crazy.

Kotter insults Barbarino’s family.

“Off my case, Toilet Face,” Barbarino replies and the audience goes crazy, again.

Kotter starts to mention Barbarino’s mother.

“My mother is a saint!” Barbarino explodes.

Woodman suddenly shows up in the classroom. When he demands to know what Kotter is doing, Kotter looks to his class to back him up. When none of them do, Kotter decides to quit his teaching job.

Oh hey, I guess the show is over, right?

No, it’s not. Later, back at the apartment that he shares with Julie, Kotter is shocked when Barbarino and Freddie crawl through the window. He’s even more surprised when Epstein, Horseshack, and Rosalie Totsie (Debralee Scott) show up at the front door. Epstein explains that they stole a cab so they could visit Kotter’s apartment. They want to see how “the original Sweathog” turned out. Though Kotter pretends like he isn’t happy to see them, it soon becomes apparent that he knows he’s right where he belongs. Plus, Julie likes them because …. well, I’m not sure why. To be honest with you, if I was in her situation, I wouldn’t like for my husband’s students to come climbing in through the apartment window. That would be a deal-breaker for me. Freddie and Barbarino do attempt to steal Kotter’s TV but Horseshack returns it. Awwww!

And Kotter returns to the classroom. Yay!

As far as pilots go, it’s easy to see why this one was a success. John Travolta’s smile could light up a room. Actually, all of the actors playing the Sweathogs do a good job in this episode. Travolta dominates because he’s Travolta but the entire cast has a nice comedic chemistry. At the end of the episode, Kotter says, “Welcome back,” to himself and he sincerely seems happy to be there. He’s made peace with being a Sweathog forever.

Episode 1.4 “Whodunit?”

(Dir by Robert LaHendro, originally aired on September 30th, 1975)

In their tiny apartment, Gabe tells Julie a joke about his aunt’s parrot and a dead butcher.

Meanwhile, at the school, Gabe sees Rosalie Totsy (nicknamed “Hotsy” by the Sweathogs) crying in the hallway. After a game of charades, Gabe figures out that Rosalie is pregnant! Who could the father be!? Sebastian Leone, perhaps?

No, according to Rosalie, the father was a Sweathog. Or, as Gabe calls them, the Marx Brothers….

This leads to a rather sweet scene in which Horseshack goes down on one knee and offers to marry Rosalie, even though he knows he’s not the father. He says that he wants to give her baby a good name and that Horseshack means “The cattle are dying.” Though touched by his sincerity, Rosalie turns him down. Gabe then invites Rosalie to come to his apartment so that she can talk to Julie. I’m not really sure if it’s a good idea for any teacher to invite a student to come to their apartment but whatever.

The important thing is that it leads to Rosalie demanding that the father of her baby marry her. All the Sweathogs are forced to admit that, despite all of their boasting, none of them have actually had sex with Rosalie. Rosalie then announces that she was lying about being pregnant. She just wanted to get all of the Sweathogs to go on record that she wasn’t a slut. “I ain’t easy!” Rosalie explains.

And …. yes, that’s one way to do that, I guess. I mean, I could understand where Rosalie was coming from because I went through the same thing when I was in high school. But I would have been happier if the episode had ended with a message that it really wasn’t anyone’s business whether Rosalie was having sex or not. Instead, the audience specifically applauded Rosalie for not being a slut, which felt just as judgmental as the audience previously laughing at the idea that she was. I kept waiting for someone to point out just how ridiculous it was that Rosalie had to pretend to be pregnant to get the Sweathogs to stop talking about her behind her back but apparently, that didn’t occur to anyone in the writer’s room.

After everything’s been resolved and Gabe is back home, Julie interrupts Gabe’s comic book time to tell him that maybe they should start a family. Gabe’s like, “Hell no!” He then says that Julie is all the family he needs at this point in his life. “I love you, honey,” Julie swoons. “Good,” Gabe says, “Tomorrow, call my mother and explain to her why you’re not pregnant.” The audiences applauds and Julie beats up on Gabe.

I wasn’t a huge fan of this episode but I’ll give credit to Ron Pallilo. That proposal scene was really sweet and nicely performed.

Next week: Barbarino enters politics! Sebastian Leone better watch out!

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 1.1 “The Great Debate” and 1.2 “Basket Case”

Posted on June 3, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Well, I don’t have anyone but myself to blame.

Ever since I started doing these retro television reviews, people have been suggesting that I should review an old 70s sitcom called Welcome Back, Kotter. I only knew a few things about Welcome Back, Kotter. I knew that it was the show that made John Travolta a star. I knew that it was Marcia’s favorite show on The Brady Bunch Hour. I knew that Gabe Kaplan played Gabe Kotter, a teacher who returned to his old Brooklyn neighborhood to teach a bunch of students known as the “Sweathogs.” (Bleh! What an unappealing nickname.) It didn’t sound like something I wanted to watch but, being the polite person that I am, I always said, “If it’s ever streaming somewhere, I will.” The unspoken assumption, of course, was that the show would never be streaming anywhere.

Then, one day, I looked at Tubi and….

Again, I have no one to blame but myself.

As for the show, it was based on the stand-up routines of its star, Gabe Kaplan. It followed former Sweathog Gabe Kotter (played, of course, by Kaplan) as he tried to teach a new generation of Sweathogs at James Buchanan High in Brooklyn. Gabe was married to Julie (Marica Strassman). They lived in a small Brooklyn apartment and Gabe was constantly forcing his wife to listen to corny jokes about his family. At the school, Gabe’s principal was Mr. Woodman (John Sylvester White), a former history teacher who disliked the Sweathogs.

As for the Sweathogs themselves, there were several but only four were really important.

Vinnie Barbarino (John Travolta) was the handsome but dumb one.

Freddie Washington (Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs) was the cool basketball player who would often say, “Hi, there” in a very deep voice.

Juan Epstein (Robert Hegyes) was the one most likely to kill someone.

Arnold Horseshack (Ron Pallilo) was the nerdy one with the high-pitched voice. In Kaplan’s original stand-up routine, his nickname was Arnold Horseshit but I doubt that was ever mentioned on the show.

And, of course, there was the theme song. Welcome Back, Kotter was written and performed by John Sebastian, whose previous claim to fame was appearing on the stage at Woodstock while stoned out of his mind.

Okay, let’s do this thing.

Episode 1.1 “The Great Debate”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on September 9th, 1975)

The very first episode of Welcome Back, Kotter opens with teacher Gabe Kotter (Gabe Kaplan) making out with his wife, Julie (Marcia Strassman), on the couch in their little Brooklyn apartment. Kotter suddenly stops kissing his wife so that he can tell her a joke about the time his uncle slept in the same bed as his secretary and told her that if she wanted to be “Mrs. Kotter for the night,” then she should get out of bed and close the bedroom window herself. Julie laughs. Personally, if my romantic partner stopped kissing me specifically so he could tell an adultery joke, I don’t know if I would laugh. I’d probably be more like, “What are you trying to tell me with that?”

Fortunately, the theme song starts up and rescues the audience from that awkward moment.

The next day, Gabe goes to work at James Buchanan High School. He teaches the remedial class, which is populated by underachieving students who have been nicknamed “the Sweathogs.” Gabe discovers that the Sweathogs have painted a rather garish mural on the wall of the classroom.

Vinne Barbarino (John Travolta) gets up and explains what the mural’s about.

Gabe is impressed by the fact that young John Travolta is a hundred times better looking and charismatic than anyone else in the school. But Gabe still insists that the Sweathogs wash off the mural. The Sweathogs agree, before revealing that they also painted the top of Gabe’s desk.

In the teacher’s lounge, Alex (James Woods) makes fun of Gabe’s stupid students. Gabe make fun of Alex for writing plays with names like “Fiddler On My Sister.” Alex says that his debate class can defeat Gabe’s class. Gabe accepts the challenge and….

Wait a minute! JAMES WOODS!?

Yes, that is indeed a youngish James Woods playing Alex, the school’s pretentious drama teacher. Woods is okay in the role. There’s not a whole lot to be done with the character as he’s pretty much just an uptight strawman who is there to be humiliated by Kotter and his class.

As for the debate itself, the resolution is that “Humans are naturally aggressive.” Alex’s class argues in the negative while Kotter’s class argues in the positive. Alex’s class is uptight and wears sweaters. The Sweathogs show up in garish costumes. With the help of Epstein (Robert Hegyes), Barbarino argues that Jack the Ripper and Atilla the Hun prove that people are naturally aggressive. When Mr, Woodman (John Sylvester White), who is moderating the debate, says that they need a timekeeper, Sweathog Arnold Horschack (Ron Pallilo) enthusiastically volunteers.

“Can he tell time, Mr. Kotter?” a flustered Woodman asks and I’ll admit that I did laugh. John Sylvester White delivered the line perfectly.

Sweathog Freddie Washington (Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs) then makes his case but, because his only experience with public speaking is in church, he gives a sermon. “He isn’t following the rules!” one of Alex’s students shouts.

While Alex’s star debater makes his case, the Sweathogs heckle him so aggressively that the student has a nervous breakdown and starts screaming, “SHUT UP!” at them. As Kotter points out, this proves that humans are naturally aggressive. Woodman announces that “This debate is called on account of dumbness.”

Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie a joke about Larry and his pet toad.

I have to admit that I enjoyed this episode quite a bit more than I was expecting to. Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, John Travolta, Ron Pallilo, and Robert Hegyes had a lot of comedic chemistry as the main Sweathogs and Gabe Kaplan did a good job of projecting a much needed sincerity in the role of Mr. Kotter. He seemed to truly care about his students. This was definitely a good episode to start the series off with.

Episode 1.2 “Basket Case”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on September 16th, 1975)

At the apartment, Gabe tells Julie a joke about how his childhood bully beat up his father.

At school, it’s time for the Sweathogs to take a history exam. Barbarino has all the answers written on his arm but, fortunately, Gabe shows up with water and a paper towel. Horseshack tries to distribute the tests in another classroom but Gabe stops him. Epstein shows up with a note excusing him from the exam because of his bursitis but Gabe tosses the note away as soon as he notices that it is signed “Epstein’s Mother.” Freddie, meanwhile, doesn’t think that grades matter because he’s made the basketball team. In fact, he draws a picture of himself as “Stilt Man” on his test paper.

When Gabe fails Freddy, the basketball coach and Mr. Woodman ask him to reconsider. The Sweathogs ask him to reconsider. And Freddie tells Kotter that he’s not going to take a makeup exam. Kotter challenges Freddie to a basketball game. If Freddie win, he passes. If Kotter, who was basketball star in high school, wins, Freddie retakes the test. Freddie agrees and….

Well, it turns out that a game between a middle-aged, out-of-shape teacher and a high school star athlete goes about as well as you might expect. We don’t see the game but we do see Mr. Woodman and the basketball coach carrying a delirious Kotter into the teacher’s lounge. Freddie apparently destroyed Kotter on the court but he’s so impressed by Kotter’s determination that he agrees to retake the test anyway.

Back at the apartment, Kotter tells Julie a joke about why he never wears hats. Apparently, he felt his head was too big. Poor guy.

Again, this was not a bad episode. I was worried that Kotter would somehow beat Freddie at basketball while the audience went wild but, instead, the episode got laughs by being honest. There was no way Gabe was going to win that game. Interestingly enough, this episode was as much about Gabe dealing with the fact that he was getting older than it was about getting Freddie to take his grades seriously. Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs was particularly strong in this episode. It may have been a comedy but Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs played it like a drama and, as a result, the stakes felt real.

So, the first two episodes of Welcome Back Kotter took me by surprise. Will the rest of the show be this good? We’ll find out over the weeks to come!

The Films of 2020: Shooting Heroin (dir by Spencer T. Folmar)

Posted on December 25, 2020 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Shooting Heroin takes place in a small town in Pennsylvania, a once close-knit community that is dying a painful death.

As the film opens, we meet several people who have lost loved ones to the Opioid Epidemic. Hazel (Sherilyn Fenn) speaks at a school assembly about how both of her sons overdosed within hours of each other and the only response she gets is a few students snickering at her. Adam (Alan Powell) loses his sister to heroin and has to take her baby into his home. Sitting in a bar, prison guard and local hunter Edward (Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs) demands to know why the police aren’t doing more to lock up the dealers. The town’s sole lawman, Jerry (Garry Pastore), can only explain that he is only one person and that he can only arrest someone if he has proof that they’re actually dealing drugs. Suspicions and gossip aren’t enough.

After a night of heavy drinking and heavier emotions, Adam comes up with the idea of a voluntary drug taskforce. He recruits Edward and Hazel and, after Jerry reluctantly deputizes them, the three of them set out to battle the drug dealers their own way. (“By any means necessary,” as Edward puts it.) Of course, all three of them have their own thoughts on how to best deal with the issue. Hazel puts up crudely painted but well-intentioned signs, asking teenagers if they truly want to break their mother’s heart. Edward stops every car that’s heading into town and does a search. (Yes, it’s highly unconstitutional.) As for Adam, he wants revenge against the man who he believes was his sister’s dealer. And if that means setting a house on fire and picking up a rifle to go hunting, that’s what Adam’s going to do.

Now, from that plot description, you might think that Shooting Heroin is a run-of-the-mill revenge flick but it’s not. It definitely has its pulpy elements but, for the most part, Shooting Heroin is an intelligently written and well-directed look at how the Opioid Epidemic is ravaging communities across America. The film approaches the subject with the type of empathy that, far too often, is missing from films like this. There are no easy villains, the film tells us, and there are also no perfect heroes. Adam, Edward, and Hazel all have their own approaches, each with their own set of strengths and flaws but the ultimate message of the film is that nothing is going to get better until we stop attacking and demonizing one another. That’s an important message and one that, unfortunately, doesn’t get broadcast as much as it should. Far too often, the war on drugs is a war on those members of the community who are at their most vulnerable.

The film is full of familiar faces, with Sherilyn Fenn giving the strongest and most poignant performance as Hazel. There’s something very touching about the combination of Hazel’s determination to get through to teenagers and her total cluelessness about the best way to actually do so. For all of her grief and anger, Hazel remains innocent enough to believe that telling a drug addict that they’re breaking their mother’s heart is the ultimate solution to the crisis. When she joins the task force, she hands out adrenaline shots so that addicts can be revived. When she confronts of a pharmacy worker who has filled an obviously faked prescription, Hazel speaks with the anger of someone who has seen the damage done to her community. When she’s handed a gun, she says that she’s not going to carry anything that can kill. Hazel, like so many people, is just trying to do her best in a unwinnable situation and it’s sometimes both heartbreaking and inspiring to watch her.

Shooting Heroin brings empathy to its look at the Opioid Epidemic, which is something that has been lacking in far too many other examinations of the what’s currently happening in America. What’s happening in middle America is, for many in the political and media establishment, an inconvenient truth. During the Obama years, the Opioid Epidemic was ignored because acknowledging it would have meant acknowledging the failure of Obama’s economic policies. During the Trump years, the victims of the Opioid Epidemic were dismissed by a media and a political class who insisted on viewing every issue through the prism of red state vs. blue state. One can only guess how these ravaged communities will fare during the Biden years, though there’s little reason to be optimistic that a 78 year-old career politician is going to do anything differently from his predecessors. Shooting Heroin is a film about what’s happening today and it’s a film that will leave you thinking about the future.

Bronson’s Revenge: Death Wish (1974, directed by Michael Winner)

Posted on February 25, 2018 by Jedadiah Leland

To quote “Dirty” Harry Callahan, “I’m all broken up about his rights.”

In 1972, a novel by Brian Garfield was published. The novel was about a meek New York City accountant named Paul Benjamin. After Paul’s wife is murdered and his daughter is raped, Paul suffers a nervous breakdown. A self-described bleeding heart liberal, Paul starts to stalk the streets at night while carrying a gun. He is hunting muggers. At first, he just kills the muggers who approach him but soon, he starts to deliberately set traps. Sinking into insanity, Paul becomes just as dangerous as the men he is hunting. Garfield later said that the book was inspired by two real-life incidents, one in which his wife’s purse was stolen and another in which his car was vandalized. Garfield said that his initial response was one of primitive anger. He wondered what would happen if a man had these rageful thoughts and could not escape them.

The title of that novel was Death Wish. Though it was never a best seller, it received respectful reviews and Garfield subsequently sold the film rights. At first, Sidney Lumet was attached to direct and, keeping with Garfield’s portrayal of Paul Benjamin, Jack Lemmon was cast as the unlikely vigilante.

Lumet, ultimately, left the project so that he could concentrate on another film about crime in New York City, Serpico. When Lumet left, Jack Lemmon also dropped out of the film. Lumet was replaced by Michael Winner, a director who may not have been as thoughtful as Lumet but who had a solid box office record and a reputation for making tough and gritty action films.

Winner immediately realized that audiences would not be interested in seeing an anti-vigilante film. Instead of casting an actor with an intellectual image, like Jack Lemmon, Winner instead offered the lead role (now named Paul Kersey and no longer an accountant but an architect) to Charles Bronson. When Winner told Bronson that the script was about a man who shot muggers, Bronson replied, “I’d like to do that.”

“The script?” Winner asked.

“No, shoot muggers.”

At the time that he was cast, Charles Bronson was 52 years old. He was the biggest star in the world, except for in America where he was still viewed as being a B-talent at best. Bronson was known for playing tough, violent men who were not afraid to use violence to accomplish their goals. (Ironically, in real life, Bronson was as much of an ardent liberal as Paul Kersey was meant to be at the beginning of the movie.) Among those complaining that Charles Bronson was all wrong for Paul Kersey was Brian Garfield. However, Bronson accepted the role and the huge box office success of Death Wish finally made him a star in America.

To an extent, Brian Garfield was right. Charles Bronson was a better actor than he is often given credit for but, in the early scenes of Death Wish, he does seem miscast. When Paul is first seen frolicking with his wife (Hope Lange) in Hawaii, Bronson seems stiff and awkward. In New York City, when Paul tells his right-wing colleague (William Redfield) that “my heart does bleed for the less fortunate,” it doesn’t sound natural. But once Paul finds out that his wife has been murdered and his daughter, Carol (Kathleen Tolan), has been raped, Paul gets mad and Bronson finally seems comfortable in the role.

In both the book and the original screenplay, both the murder and the rape happened off-screen. Never a subtle director, Winner instead opted to show them in a brutal and ugly scene designed to get the audience as eager to shoot muggers as Bronson was. Today, the power of the scene is diluted by the presence of Jeff Goldblum, making his screen debut as a very unlikely street thug. Everyone has to start somewhere and Goldblum got his start kicking Hope Lange while wearing a hat that made him look like he belonged in an Archie comic.

With his wife dead and his daughter traumatized, Paul discovers that no one can help him get justice. The police have no leads. His son-in-law (Steven Keats) is a weak and emotional mess. (As an actor, some of Bronson’s best moments are when Paul makes no effort to hide how much he loathes his son-in-law.) When a mugger approaches Paul shortly after his wife’s funeral, Paul shocks himself by punching the mugger in the face.

When Paul is sent down to Arizona on business, he meets Ames Jainchill (Stuart Margolin), a land developer who calls New York a “toilet” and who takes Paul to see a wild west show. Later at a gun club, Paul explains that he was a conscientious objects during the Korean War but he knows how to shoot. His father was a hunter and Paul grew up around guns. When Paul returns to New York, Ames gives him a present, a revolver. Paul is soon using that revolver to bring old west justice to the streets of New York City.

As muggers start to show up dead, the NYPD is outraged that a vigilante is stalking the street. Detective Frank Ochoa (Vincent Gardenia) is assigned to bring the vigilante in. But the citizens of New York love the vigilante. Witnesses refuse to give an accurate description of Paul. When Paul is wounded, a young patrolman (Christopher Guest, making almost as unlikely a film debut as Jeff Goldblum) conspires to keep Paul’s revolver from being turned over as evidence.

The critics hated Death Wish, with many of them calling it an “immoral” film. Brian Garfield was so disgusted by how Winner changed his story that he wrote a follow-up novel in which Paul is confronted by an even more dangerous vigilante who claims to have been inspired by him. Audiences, however, loved it. Death Wish was one of the top films at the box office and it spawned a whole host of other vigilante films.

Death Wish is a crude movie, without any hint of subtlety and nuance. It is also brutally effective, as anyone who has ever felt as if they were the victim of a crime can attest. In a complicated and often unfair world, Kersey’s approach may not be realistic or ideal but it is emotionally cathartic. Watching Death Wish, it is easy to see why critics hated it and why audiences loved it.

It is also to see why the movie made Bronson a star. Miscast in the role or not, Bronson exudes a quiet authority and determination that suggests that if anyone could single-handedly clean-up New York City, it’s him. An underrated actor, Bronson’s best moment comes after he punches his first mugger and he triumphantly reenters his apartment. After he commits his first killing, Bronson gets another good scene where he is so keyed up that he collapses to the floor and then staggers into the bathroom and throws up. Garfield may have complained that the Death Wish made his madman into a hero but Bronson’s best moments are the ones the suggest Paul has gone mad. The real difference between the book and the movie is that the movie portrays madness as a necessary survival skill.

This Friday, a new version of Death Wish will be playing in theaters. Directed by Eli Roth, this version starts Bruce Willis as Dr. Paul Kersey. Will the new Death Wish be as effective as the original? Judging from the trailer, I doubt it. Bruce Willis or Charles Bronson? I’ll pick Bronson every time.