Kim O’Brien | Through the Shattered Lens

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, Ponch and Jon go to the beach!

Episode 3.3 “Valley Go Home!”

(Dir by Barry Crane, originally aired September 29th, 1979)

There’s been a string of thefts at the beach. Someone is stealing radios out of cars and then making a fast getaway. Somehow, this thief is able to blend in so well with everyone else that no one even notices him breaking into the cars until it’s too late. Jon and Ponch have been assigned to patrol the beach and keep the radios safe.

Of course, Jon and Ponch don’t just worry about radio thieves. When two women lose control of their car while towing a sailboat, Jon and Ponch are there to not only help them stop the car but also to ask them out on a windsurfing date. (Every episodes of CHiPs found a way to promote the so-called “California lifestyle.” It was probably one of the most effective tourism commercials ever filmed. I don’t even swim and this episode still made me want to go wind surfing.) They also get involved in the rivalry between three local white surfers and a group of Latino teenagers from the Valley. Both groups drive Chevy vans with ornate decals. One gets the feeling that the blonde surfers call their van the “Second Base Mobile.”

This is an episode of CHiPs that takes place at the beach so you’ve probably already guessed that it doesn’t take long for Ponch to find an excuse to put on a speedo. Baker and Ponch not only work together but they also hang out together. On the show, they’re best friends. (Behind-the-scene, Larry Wilcox and Erik Estrada were not quite so close.) They spend a lot of time at the beach, eating ice cream. Baker wears modest swim trunks. Ponch walks around in his speedo and shows off his dazzling smile. One gets the feeling that, if this episode had been made in 1999 instead of 1979, Ponch would have been handing out AOL CDs to everyone he met and saying, “When you sign up, I get fifteen free minutes to talk to you.”

Ponch has a theory that the radio thief is disguising himself as someone who works at the beach. (Needless to say, Ponch comes up with the theory while Baker agrees because, on CHiPs, everything was much pretty much about Ponch.) Ponch suspects that the thief might be the local ice cream man. Ponch and Baker eat a lot of ice cream in this episode. Eventually, it turns out to be the local trash collector. The ice cream man is off the hook!

As far as the surfers and the Valley kids are concerned, it all works out. Of course, it works out in the most dangerous way possible, with the surfers and the Valley kids chasing each other in their vans and both crashing their vehicles. After 48 hours in jail, all of them are back on the beach. The surfers agree to teach the Valley kids how to handle a board. The Valley kids agree to take the surfers to Mexico. Ponch and Jon have a good laugh before going windsurfing. How can you not love California?

This was a pretty silly episode but the beach scenery was nice. It’s hard for me to not enjoy a show that features not one but two vans. All hail the 70s!

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

Smiles!

Episode 3.11 “The Mermaid/The Victim”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on December 1st, 1979)

This week, Fantasy Island suddenly becomes the most dangerous place on Earth.

Julie Bett (Joan Prather) comes to the island with a simple fantasy. She wants a date — just one date — with a man that she met briefly four years ago. Mr. Roarke asks Julie if perhaps she has overidealized her memories of Michael Duvall (James Darren). Julie says no and that Michael is the ideal man. Roarke reveals that Duvall lives on a nearby island where Roarke has no legal authority. Julie says that fine, since the date will be on Fantasy Island. Roarke reveals that Duvall is usually not allowed to step foot on Fantasy Island because of his shady reputation. Julie replies that there’s nothing shady about Michael Duvall. Roarke finally allows Duvall to come to Fantasy Island for the date.

Of course, within minutes of arriving, Duvall has drugged Julie’s drink and then whisked her back to his own island. It turns out that Michael Duvall is a Jeffrey Epstein-style human trafficker and his estate doubles as a prison for the women that he had abducted. His evil assistant, Madame Jeannot (Yvonne DeCarlo), announces that there is no way that Julie can escape and, to prove her point, she introduces Julie to Annie (Cathryn O’Neil), who tried to escape and was severely beaten as a result.

Julie tries to rally the other prisoners (including Dorothy Stratten, who would be murdered 8 months after this episode aired) to fight back against Duvall, Jeannot, and their servant. If her rebellion fails, Julie knows that she’ll never be seen again….

Meanwhile, oceanographer Harold DeHaven (John Saxon) has come to Fantasy Island with his wife, Amanda (Mary Ann Mobley). Harold and Amanda have a troubled marriage, largely because Harold is too obsessed with his work and his desire to make a major discovery of some sort. No sooner has Harold started walking along the beach then he comes across a mermaid! Princess Nyah (Michelle Phillips) is apparently a well-known figure on Fantasy Island and, at one point, Roarke even confronts Nyah about her history of trying to lure the guests to their deaths. Can Amanda prevent her husband from drowning in his attempt to be with Princess Nyah?

(This episodes leaves us to wonder just what exactly Fantasy Island’s legal liability would be if someone died as a result of their fantasy. Seriously, it seems like Mr. Roarke has really left himself vulnerable to a lawsuit.)

Anyway, Julie and the other kidnapped women manage to escape from Duvall’s estate, just to find Mr. Roarke and a bunch of policemen waiting for them. Roarke explains that he knew what Duvall was doing but he needed proof before he could contact that authorities. Julie provided the proof. Essentially, Roarke is saying that he put Julie’s life at risk to take down Duvall but Julie and the other women seem to be amused by the whole thing. Everyone smiles as Mr. Roarke says that he’ll take them back to Fantasy Island. I guess PTSD doesn’t exist on the islands.

Meanwhile, Amanda’s efforts to keep Harold from swimming off with Nyah nearly leads to Amanda drowning. Seeing his wife risk her life for him, Harold realizes that he really does love Amanda and both he and Amanda return to dry land. Disappointed, Nyah swims off.

Yay! Everyone lived! As they all left the Island, no one seemed to be the least bit traumatized by nearly dying. At the plane flies away, Roarke suggest that Nyah’s new target might be Tattoo. “Be serious, boss,” Tattoo, “I can’t even swim.” The thought of his assistant dying a terrible death from drowning cause Roarke to laugh out loud as the end credits roll.

There was a weird episode and compulsively watchable as a result. Seriously, how do you not love John Saxon following Michelle Phillips into water? That said, Fantasy Island seems like a very dangerous place.