Horror On The Lens: Satan’s School For Girls (dir by David Lowell Rich)


For today’s horror on the lens, we have a 1973 made-for-TV movie called Satan’s School For Girls.

After her sister turns up dead, Elizabeth (Pamela Franklin) refuses to accept that official conclusion that it was a suicide.  Instead, Elizabeth is convinced that it was murder and that it has something to do with the exclusive school that her sister attended, the Salem Academy for Women.

Well, honestly, the Salem part is a dead giveaway.  I think we can all agree on that.

Anyway, this movie features a Satanic cult, an old school clique, and plenty of early of 70s fashion choices.  It may be silly but it’s also definitely entertaining.

 

Retro Television Reviews: Death Cruise (dir by Ralph Senesky)


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay.  Today’s film is 1977’s Death Cruise!  It  can be viewed on Tubi and YouTube.

The thing with the Love Boat is that it promises something for everyone.  It’s a place where you set a course for adventure and put your mind on a new romance.

The same cannot be said of the Death Cruise.

Death Cruise opens with three couples winning an all-expenses paid trip on a luxury liner.  None of the couples are in a happy marriage.  Sylvia Carter (Polly Bergen) is tired of her husband, Jerry (Richard Long), and his philandering ways.  Elizabeth Mason (Celeste Holm) is frustrated with David Mason (Tom Bosley) and his loud dinner jackets.  Mary Frances Radney (Kate Jackson) is fed up with James (Edward Albert) and his smug refusal to start a family.  Of course, it’s not just martial problems that connects these passengers.  It’s also the fact that someone on the boat is stalking and killing them, one-by-one.  Can Dr. Burke (Michael Constantine) and Captain Vettori (Cesare Danova) track down the killer before it’s too late?

Death Cruise is an enjoyably twisty little murder mystery.  It aired in 1974, a good two years before the first Love Boat pilot film appeared on television.  However, both Death Cruise and The Love Boat were produced by Aaron Spelling so the two productions definitely have a shared DNA.  The Love Boat is basically Death Cruise with the addition of a laugh track and considerably less murder.  That said, I have my doubts as to whether Doc Bricker would have been as effective a detective as Dr. Burke.

One of the most interesting things about Death Cruise is how little anyone on the boat really seems to care about the fact that the passengers are turning up dead.  In fact, one widower is asking a widow to be his date to dinner within a few hours of the deaths of their spouses.  Of course, the murderer makes sure that dinner date is canceled but it’s still hard not to wonder whatever happened to an appropriate time of grieving.  Then again, I guess if you’re on a boat for a weekend, you just do whatever feels right at the moment.

(And certainly, if they were on The Love Boat, the walking HR nightmares that was Doc Bricker wouldn’t have wasted any time asking the widows to come by his office for a examination.)

Of the victims and suspects, Richard Long and Edward Albert are memorably sleazy while Tom Bosley plays up just how annoyed he is with the whole situation.  Michael Constantine is a good detective and the movie’s final twist is nicely executed.  Personally, when it comes to cruises, I will always prefer the safety and romance of The Love Boat but Death Cruise was an entertaining nautical diversion.

Horror Film Review: Night of Dark Shadows (dir by Dan Curtis)


Since I just reviewed House of Dark Shadows, it only makes sense to now take a look at 1971’s Night of Dark Shadows today!

While Night of Dark Shadows is not a direct sequel to the first film, it is still definitely a part of the same cinematic universe.  There may not be any vampires in this film but it does take place in the same house and it features two members of the family that was decimated over the course of the previous film.  At one point, it’s mentioned that Joan Bennett’s character from House of Dark Shadows died after the first film but no one goes into any details.  I guess a vampire in the family is something that’s simply not discussed amongst polite company.

Night of Dark Shadows deals with Quentin (David Selby) and Tracy Collins (Kate Jackson).  Quentin is an artist who confesses that he wasn’t particularly nice before he married Tracy.  When they move into the Collins mansion, they bring two friends with them, Alex (John Karlen) and Claire (Nancy Barrett.)  Interestingly enough, Karlen and Barrett both played different characters in House of Dark Shadows.  Grayson Hall, who played Dr. Hoffman in House of Dark Shadows, also returns for Night of Dark Shadows.  This time Hall is playing Carlotta Drake, the creepy housekeeper.  (Needless to say, all mansions comes with a creepy housekeeper.)

Soon after everyone moves in, Quentin starts acting strangely.  He becomes obsessed with the painting of a beautiful woman who was named Angelique (Lara Parker) and with the story that Angelique was hanged when it was discovered that she was having an affair with Quentin’s ancestor, Charles.  (For his part, Charles was apparently walled up in the mansion.  That sounds a bit extreme to me but I guess that’s the way they did things in the 19th century.)  Quentin starts to have visions and nightmares involving his ancestor who, it turns out, looked exactly like him!  Meanwhile, Carlotta and the groundskeeper, Gerard (Jim Storm), seem to be determined to make sure that Tracy doesn’t feel welcome in her new home.  It’s almost as if they’re trying to drive everyone but Quentin away from the house.

Night of Dark Shadows is a much more polished film than House of Dark Shadows but it also unfolds at a far more leisurely pace.  It lacks the relentless energy that distinguished House of Dark Shadows.  This wouldn’t be as much of a problem if the plot itself wasn’t so totally predictable.  From the minute that Quentin first sees that portrait of Angelique, you know that he’s going to get possessed and start acting strangely.  There are a few atmospheric scenes but, for the most part, the film just doesn’t grab the viewer’s attention the way that House of Dark Shadows did.

On the plus side, David Selby is properly intense and brooding in the dual roles of Quentin and Charles Collins while Lara Parker does an equally good job as the wonderfully evil Angelique.  Grayson Hall, who tended to go overboard in House of Dark Shadows, gives a much better and far more menacing performance here.  Night of Dark Shadows isn’t a bad film.  It’s just not a particularly memorable one.

The TSL’s Grindhouse: Satan’s School For Girls (dir by David Lowell Rich)


Have you ever wanted to enroll in a private school so that you could investigate a murder and maybe uncover some sort of occult conspiracy?  Sure, we all have!  Well, don’t worry …. there’s a place for you!  Welcome to Salem Academy, an exclusive all-girl’s college where students learn all the basic subjects, along with taking courses in art and human sacrifice!

Salem Academy is overseen by the feared and intimidating Mrs. Williams (Jo Van Fleet), who keeps a close eye on her students and tries to make sure that they aren’t distracted or corrupted by any outside influences. However, not even Mrs. Williams can keep Martha Sayers (Terry Lumley) from fleeing the school and going to her sister’s house in Los Angeles. When Martha’s sister, Elizabeth (Pamela Franklin), returns home, she discovers that Martha has been hanged. The police say that it was suicide. Elizabeth believes that it’s something else.

So, Elizabeth does what any vengeance-seeking sister would do. Using an assumed name, she enrolls in Salem Academy herself. She meets and befriends three other students (played by Kate Jackson, Jamie Smith Jackson, and Cheryl Ladd). She gets to know two rather suspicious teachers, Prof. Delacroix (Lloyd Bochner) and Dr. Clampett (Roy Thinnes). She also manages to raise the concerns of Mrs. Williams, who doesn’t like the fact that the new girl keeps asking so many questions about why so many students at Salem Academy have died recently.

Still, Elizabeth continues to investigate. Perhaps the secret can be found in a mysterious painting that she comes across, one that appears to be of Martha? Perhaps the teachers and the students know more than they’re telling. But who can Elizabeth trust?

A made-for-television film from 1973, Satan’s School For Girls is frequently as silly as its name.  Fortunately, the film, which was produced by Aaron Spelling and directed David Lowell Rich, seems to understand just how ludicrous it is and it totally embraces both the melodrama and the silliness of its plot. This film is totally product of the time in which it was made, from the dialogue to the hairstyles to the fashions to the ending that you’ll see coming from a mile away. At the same time, that’s also why this film is a lot of fun. It’s such a product of its time that it doubles as a time capsule. Do you want to go back to 1973? Well, go over to YouTube and watch Satan’s School For Girls.  After you’ve watched it, step outside and ask anyone who the president is and they’ll probably say, “Richard Nixon.”  And if you ask them who they’re favorite Brady is, they’ll look at you like your crazy because everyone know that Marcia is the best Brady.  If you even have to ask, it’s obvious that you don’t really watch the show.  After that, you should probably try to find a way to get back to 2021 before you change the future or something.  You know how tricky time travel can be.

As for Satan’s School for Girls, it’s just a really fun movie so check it out and be sure not to be late for class!

Horror on the Lens: Satan’s School for Girls (dir by David Lowell Rich)


For today’s horror on the lens, we have a 1973 made-for-TV movie called Satan’s School For Girls.

After her sister turns up dead, Elizabeth (Pamela Franklin) refuses to accept that official conclusion that it was a suicide.  Instead, Elizabeth is convinced that it was murder and that it has something to do with the exclusive school that her sister attended, the Salem Academy for Women.

Well, honestly, the Salem part is a dead giveaway.  I think we can all agree on that.

Anyway, this movie features a Satanic cult, an old school clique, and plenty of early of 70s fashion choices.  It may be silly but it’s also definitely entertaining.

Enjoy!

Quiet Killer (1992, directed by Sheldon Larry)


When wealthy teenager Sarah Dobbs (Kathleen Robertson) vomits up blood and then drops dead in the middle of New York City, the coroner’s office is baffled as to what killed her.  As far as anyone knows, Sarah has just been suffering from the flu, which she apparently contracted when she was recently overseas.  However, there is one doctor in New York who thinks that she knows what’s happening.  Dr. Nora Hart (Kate Jackson) takes one look at Sarah’s case and decides that the Black Death — the same plague that wiped out half of the world’s population in 54 AD — has come to New York!

Nora wants to shut down the city immediately but Mayor Carmichael (Al Waxman) says that would not only lead to mass panic but it would also an economic disaster.  Working with a team of other doctors (including Jerry Orbach, who is always a welcome presence in New York films), Dr. Hart tries to track down everyone who Sarah came into contact with and quarantine them before both a panic and a pandemic breaks out.  Unfortunately, one congressman (Howard Hesseman!) doesn’t want to go into quarantine because that would mean admitting that he was in Manhattan to visit his mistress.  Despite everyone’s best efforts, mass panic follows.

Quiet Killer (which is also known as Black Death) is a made-for-TV movie that used to show up on late night television throughout the 90s.  It’s a typically overwrought disaster film and it’s easy to laugh at some of the dialogue and some of the acting.  (Kate Jackson is particularly wooden in the lead role.)  The first time I saw it, I thought the most interesting thing about it was that it featured Howard Hesseman as a congressman.  For those who know Hesseman best for playing characters like Dr. Johnny Fever on WKRP, it’s strange to see him playing a member of the establishment.  Hesseman isn’t bad in the role but it never makes sense that he wouldn’t be able to think of a way to explain away his presence in Manhattan.  You would think a politician would be better at coming up with an alibi or that he could have pulled some strings to keep it from being revealed that he had been quarantined.  Instead, he decides to just run off and potentially infect the entire nation.  That’s not what I pay my tax dollars for.

Quiet Killer is a good example of how real-life events can shape how we view a film.  Up until just a few months ago, this would have seemed like just another cheesy disaster movie.  Watch it today and it feels prophetic.  Hopefully, by this time next year, it will be back to just being cheesy.

Horror on the Lens: Satan’s School for Girls (dir by David Lowell Rich)


For today’s horror on the lens, we have a 1973 made-for-TV movie called Satan’s School For Girls.

After her sister turns up dead, Elizabeth (Pamela Franklin) refuses to accept that official conclusion that it was a suicide.  Instead, Elizabeth is convinced that it was murder and that it has something to do with the exclusive school that her sister attended, the Salem Academy for Women.

Well, honestly, the Salem part is a dead giveaway.  I think we can all agree on that.

Anyway, this movie features a Satanic cult, an old school clique, and plenty of early of 70s fashion choices.  It may be silly but it’s also definitely entertaining.

Enjoy!