Kaiwi Lyman-Mersereau | Through the Shattered Lens

Den of Thieves is quite simply one of the most exhausting films that I’ve ever sat through.

It’s not just that the film itself is overly long, though that’s definitely an issue. (Den of Thieves last 2 hours and 20 minutes. For the sake of comparison, that’s 17 minutes longer than last year’s best picture winner, The Shape of Water.) Instead, the real problem is that there’s really not a single unexpected moment to be found in Den of Thieves. Every cliché imaginable shows up in Den of Thieves and, after a while, the film’s predictability becomes a bit much to take.

It’s a bank heist film. We know that because it opens with a strangely portentous title card that informs us that more banks are robbed in Los Angeles than anywhere else in the country. This is one of those heist films where a self-destructive police detective goes head-to-head with a ruthless yet sympathetic criminal mastermind. If you’re thinking that this sounds a lot like Heat, you’re right. In fact, imagine if they remade Heat without any of the stuff that made Heat more than just another crime film and you have a pretty good idea what you’re going to get with Den of Thieves.

The detective is named Big Nick O’Brien (Gerard Butler) and we know he’s a badass because he’s got a lot of tattoos and a beard and when he’s not busting criminals, he’s either getting drunk or getting served with divorce papers. Nick’s an asshole but that’s okay because Nick … NICK GETS RESULTS, GODDAMMIT! Nick has a crew that’s devoted to him. Of course, a lot of them will be dead by the end of the movie. That’s just the way things go when you’re living in a clichéd crime film.

Big Nick wants to take down Merrimen (Pablo Schreiber), who is a former marine turned bank robber. We know that Merrimen is a badass because he’s got a beard and he’s got even more tattoos than Nick! In fact, his entire crew is covered with tattoos! You have to wonder how smart these criminals are, all getting body art that will make it very easy for the police to identify them. But they’re a good crew. In fact … THEY’RE THE BEST! THEY GET RESULTS! And only Nick can take them down because … ONLY THE MOTHERFUCKING BEST CAN TAKE DOWN THE MOTHERFUCKING BEST, GODDAMMIT!

Sorry, am I yelling a lot? This is one of those films where everyone yells a lot. Basically, this entire movie is drenched in testosterone. This is one of those films where no one gets interrogated with getting knocked around beforehand and where every meeting is some sort of confrontation. When the end credits rolled, I was shocked to learn that some of these people actually had names. Just from listening to the dialogue, I assumed everyone in the film was named “Motherfucker.”

And again, it just all gets exhausting after a while. Maybe if Den of Thieves had been a 90 minute action flick or had featured any of the self-aware humor of Baby Driver, it would have been entertainingly dumb. But 140 minutes is a long time to spend with a bunch of thinly drawn stereotypes.

Now, there are two positive things that can be said about Den of Thieves.

First off, one of the thieves is played by O’Shea Jackson, Jr. and he’s got enough screen presence that he can overcome some clunky scenes. (A scene where he’s interrogated by the police literally seems to go on forever.)

Secondly, the film itself looks great. The film’s opening scenes do a good job of capturing Los Angeles’s unique mix of grit and glitz. The opening shootout is pretty well-done and briefly suggests some promise on which the film ultimately doesn’t deliver.

Anyway, Den of Thieves came out this January and despite middling reviews, it did well enough at the box office to earn itself a sequel. So, in 2020, look forward to more scenes of Gerard Butler … GETTING RESULTS!

Climate change is a bitch!

And so are sharks!

Those are the two main things that I took away from watching Ice Sharks, which premiered on the SyFy channel on Tuesday.

Ice Sharks take place in the Arctic circle. A group of scientists have set up Oasis base so that they can observe what climate change is doing to the arctic sea life. The water’s getting warmer and, as a result, the ecosystem is changing. Greenland sharks are no longer content to just hang out around Greenland. Now, suddenly, they’re showing up in Antarctica and guess what? They have the ability to not only jump through ice but also to use their dorsal fins to saw through glaciers…

Well, you can probably guess what happens.

First, it’s just sled dog after sled dog getting eaten. Then it’s an Eskimo who is so thoroughly eaten that only a bloody fingernail is found lodged in the ice. Next thing you know, a scientist makes the mistakes of investigating the world outside of Oasis and a shark ends up biting off his leg. The scientist lies on the ice and briefly attempts to tie a tourniquet around his bloody leg stump. It doesn’t do him much good.

One thing about Greenland sharks — they’re mean but they’re also surprisingly intelligent. As soon as they come across Oasis station, they use their dorsal fins to saw through the ice. Soon, Oasis is sinking to the bottom of the ocean with the surviving scientists inside.

And, as our surviving (and fortunately, physically attractive) scientists try to figure out how they are going to survive, the sharks are outside, banging against the station walls…

Ice Sharks is a surprisingly dark little movie. Don’t get me wrong. It’s an Asylum film so, of course, Ice Sharks has an appropriately macabre sense of humor. But, especially when compared to Sharknado 3, Ice Sharks is rather grim. Director Emile Edwin Smith does a good job of creating and maintaining a claustrophobic atmosphere inside the sunken Oasis station. And when the sharks attack, it’s never pretty. Greenland sharks apparently do not share the charm of their home.

Ice Sharks was a grimly effective little creature rampage film. Personally, I will never look at Greenland the same way again.