Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 1.20 “Rainy Day”

Posted on April 1, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

What would CHiPs be like without motorcycles? We’re about to find out.

Episode 1.20 “Rainy Day”

(Dir by Gordon Hessler, originally aired on March 2nd, 1978)

While riding his motorcycle on the California highway, Baker groans as he feels a drop of water. He tells Ponch that it’s going to rain and the two of them are going to end up getting stuck in a patrol car.

“It’s only sprinkling!” Ponch replies.

One jump cut later and Ponch and Baker are trapped in the middle of a downpour. Despite the heavy rain and the fact that they’re getting soaked, they still manage to save a teacher after a car swerves on the slick road and hits her school bus. (Apparently, in 1978, teachers also had to drive the school buses.) The teacher is young and attractive so, of course, Ponch tells her that she and her students can drop by the station and see him any time that they want.

As for the rain, it turns out that Baker was right. After giving them a hard time about their wet uniforms (and not even bothering to acknowledge that those uniforms got wet while Baker and Ponch were saving someone’s life), Getraer assigns them to a patrol car for the day. It’s a new patrol car so Getraer warns them not to get a scratch on it. Usually, I can kind of understand why Getraer is a bit weary of Ponch but, in this episode, the guy’s just a jerk about everything.

You can probably already guess what the main problem with this episode is. The appeal of CHiPs, at least from what I’ve seen so far, is that it features a lot of exciting motorcycle stunts. Chase scenes involving motorcycles are fun to watch because motorcycles can go extremely fast and they can weave in-and-out of traffic. The show works best when Ponch and Baker are on their motorcycles. This episodes put them in a bulky, slow-moving squad car. Even stuck in the car, Ponch and Baker manage to catch a car thief and they put an end to an illegal gambling casino that’s been hidden inside of an RV. But it really doesn’t matter because they’re in a squad car. There’s nothing exciting about a squad car.

And yes, the squad car does get trashed, specifically while Ponch and Baker are chasing a degenerate gambler (Herb Edelman) who was seeking revenge against the RV casino. Getraer is not happy about the damage to the car, despite the fact that there really wasn’t any way to avoid it and Ponch and Baker managed to prevent a lot of people from getting injured. Fortunately, Officer Grossman (Paul Linke) accidentally backs into the squad car, leaving it ambiguous as to who is responsible for what damage. Getraer will just have to get mad at everyone, I guess.

I love the rain so I did appreciate the fact that this episode featured a lot of it. But otherwise, the whole thing just felt off. I don’t care how wet it is outside. Baker and Ponch just do not belong in a car.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 1.9 “Trouble My Lovely/The Common Man”

Posted on November 8, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Smiles, everyone, smiles!

Episode 1.9 “Trouble, My Lovely/The Common Man”

(Directed by Cliff Bole, originally aired on April 1st, 1978)

This week’s episode of Fantasy Island opens, as most of them do, with Mr. Roarke sharing a few words with Tattoo before they leave to meet the plane. This week, Roarke is surprised to find that Tattoo wearing a turban. Tattoo has decided that there is money to be made in being a phony mind reader.

Roarke shakes his head dismissively and then it’s off to meet the latest visitors to Fantasy Island. Unfortunately, the fantasies that follow are so boring that you’ll find yourself wishing that Roarke had spent more time talking to Tattoo.

Don Knotts plays a Stanley Schecktler, a claims adjustor who dreams of being a hard-boiled private investigator. He gets his wish and soon finds himself in a noirish version of Los Angeles. Stanley is hired by Ivy Chandler (Lynda Day George) to investigate the man who is blackmailing her daughter, Peggy (Pamela Jean Bryant). Like all good detectives, Stanley narrates the story.

Eventually, Stanley finds himself investigating an actual murder! Mr. Roarke and Tattoo shows up to inform Stanley that his fantasy is potentially deadly. They offer to refund his money. (Tattoo says that he rarely ever refunds money so I guess Tattoo is the Island’s business manager. I know that’s been mentioned in a few previous episodes but I still find it hard to believe, considering how little respect Roarke seems to have for Tattoo.) Stanley, however, is determined to solve the murder. This leads to Tattoo, who has switched his turban for a fedora, giving Stanley one important piece of advice:

This fantasy had potential. What film lover hasn’t fantasized about being a character in a film noir? Unfortunately, the execution was lacking, with the majority of the comedic lines falling flat. Don Knotts has a few funny moments as the detective but the story itself never finds the right balance between comedy and noir.

That said, at least there was an unexpected twist to the detective fantasy. The show’s other fantasy was not only lame but also kind of annoying. Bernie Kopell, who was so likable as Doc Bricker on The Love Boat, is far less likable as a wimpy family man who comes to Fantasy Island with one request. He wants Mr. Roarke to be a terrible host so that he can stand up to him and win the respect of his family. Seriously, that’s the entire fantasy!

Sorry, dude, but you deserve to get treated like a schmo for having pay thousands of dollar just to get your family to look up to you. This guy spent a lot of money to have a fantasy on Fantasy Island that he could get for free just by taking his family out to Denny’s and demanding to see the manager. Seriously, this whole fantasy was a bit pointless but at least Tattoo got to try out his mind reading tricks when he and Mr. Roarke came across the Kopell sitting at the bar.

Oh well! Not every fantasy can be a winner. Hopefully, next week will be better.

The TSL’s Horror Grindhouse: Lisa (dir by Gary Sherman)

Posted on October 23, 2019 by Lisa Marie Bowman

So, here’s the thing about Lisa, a horror-thriller from 1990 that shows up occasionally on This TV.

It’s got a great title.

Seriously, this film has got one of the greatest titles of all time. I would almost say that you really don’t even have to pay attention to the movie because the title itself is so perfect that the plot doesn’t even matter. The only thing that would make this title even better would be if they had added a “Marie” to the end of it but oh well. You can’t have everything.

This is a movie about a girl named Lisa and, speaking as a girl named Lisa, I have to say that it’s incredibly true to life. Lisa (Staci Keanan) is a smart and amazingly talented 14 years old and not alllowed to date by her incredibly overprotective mother, Katherine (Cheyl Holland). So, instead of dating, Lisa spends her time stalking a serial killer. See, Katherine thought she was protecting her daughter but instead, she’s only inspired her to take an even greater risk. That’s why you need to let the Lisas in your life do what they want.

Admittedly, Lisa doesn’t know that Richard (D.W. Moffett) is a serial killer. She doesn’t even know that he owns a successful restaurant. All she knows is that he looks like a model and he drives a nice car and it’s fun to follow him around Venice Beach. When she jots down his license plate numbers, she hacks the DMV to get his name, address, and phone number. Soon, Lisa is calling him up and having flirtatious conversations with him.

It’s all good fun, except for the fact that Richard is also known as The Candelight Killer and he’s got a thing about calling people and leaving them messages right before he kills them. It’s all very ritualized. For instance, it’s very important that his victims be in the process of listening to his message when he kills them. To be honest, though, that sounds like he’s taking a lot of risks. I mean, what if someone came home and didn’t immediately check their messages? Would Richard just have to hide behind the drapes for hours until the did? Of course, Richard would be even more out of luck if this movie were made today because who has an answering machine anymore?

Anyway, Richard is obsessed with discovering who is stalking him and Katherine is obsessed with keeping Lisa out of danger and Lisa just wants to actually be allowed to full celebrate having the greatest name ever. Did you know, for instance, that Lisa may have started out as a shortened form of Elizabeth but that it became so popular on its own that it was one of the most popular names in both the United States and the United Kingdom for several decades? And, even though it’s no longer in the top ten as far as names are concerned, being named Lisa is still one of the greatest honors that can be bestowed upon anyone? Lisa means God’s Promise by the way. And….

What? Oh yeah, the movie.

Well, anyway, it all leads to pretty much what you’re expecting it to lead to. Plotwise, the movie may be predictable but the Staci Keanan, Cheryl Ladd, and D.W. Moffett all gives good performances and director Gary Sherman keeps the action moving at a steady pace. It’s dumb but entertaining, kinda like cinematic junk food. Plus, it has a great title. What more do you need?