Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 3.8 “Shave and a Haircut, Two Bites”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

Who needs a haircut?

(What is it with today’s reviews and hair?)

Episode 3.8 “Shave and a Haircut, Two Bites”

(Dir by John Strysik, originally aired on November 18th, 1990)

Tom (played by a young Matt LeBlanc) stands in front of an old timey barbershop and remembers when he was a teenager and he learned the truth about the place.  His friend, Kevin (Wil Wheaton), lived across the street from the barbershop and was convinced that the two elderly barbers who owned the place were actually vampires.  Kevin pointed out the customers were going inside with big jars of blood and then coming with little jars of blood.  Tommy remained skeptical.  I’m not sure why.  Jars of blood are a HUGE red flag.  Still, Tommy warned Kevin that if he continued to follow his vampire theory, he would probably get kicked out of all of his honors classes.  That was a risk that Kevin was willing to take.

Tommy and Kevin snuck into the barbershop one night and searched for evidence of vampires.  Kevin was serious while Tommy treated the whole thing as just being a big joke.  They were caught by the two barbers, Mr. Innes (John O’Leary) and Dr. D’Onofrio (Al Mancini), who revealed that they were not vampires.  Instead, they were just two guys who worshipped a giant slug creature who lived in the basement.  The slug creature stayed alive by drinking the blood that was brought into the barbershop.  In return, it offered up a smaller amount of its blood for the donors to drink.  The blood apparently allowed to people to live for a very long time.  So, I guess they were vampires but not really.

In the present, Tom gets a shave and a haircut and allows Kevin to draw some of his blood.  Then Kevin gets in the barber chair and Tom picks up the razor blade.  They both have noticeable scars on their neck.

This was an odd episode.  It was full of atmosphere and Tom’s voice over contributed to the creepy vibe.  It was generally well-acted.  Not even Wil Wheaton was too annoying.  The premise of the episode was intriguing but the episode’s pay-off fell a little flat.  I was happy that the show did something other than vampires but the weird slug creature really wasn’t that compelling either.  It felt like something out a Lovecraft short story but Lovecraft’s style of horror always works better when it’s something that the reader has to imagine as opposed to actually seeing.  This episode played out like an odd dream.  Even the ending feels like a fragment from a bigger narrative that has been lost to time.

Overall, though, I liked this episode and I appreciated the strange atmosphere.  Monsters was always the most fun when it was weird and this episode was definitely that.

 

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Highway to Heaven 1.2 “Pilot: Part Two”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

 

This week, we finish up the pilot for Highway to Heaven, with Jonathan revealing the true nature of his job to Mark and the old people heading to the horse races!

Episode 1.1 “Highway to Heaven: Part Two”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on September 19th, 1984)

The second half of the pilot for Highway to Heaven opens with things looking up at the retirement community.  Everyone is enjoying the new garden.  There’s a new sense of community amongst the residents.  Even Estelle (Helen Hayes) has finally come out of her room and is now taking care of the dog that Jonathan previously gave her.  Sidney Gould (John Bleifer) is especially happy to see Estelle out and about, especially after Estelle agrees to have dinner with him.

The only person who is not happy with the changes that Jonathan has brought to everyone’s lives is Mark Gordon.  Mark is still suspicious of Jonathan’s motives and he’s not happy that his sister, Leslie (Mary McCusker), is falling for a man who she really knows nothing about.  When Jonathan is having dinner at Leslie’s apartment, Mark breaks into Jonathan’s apartment and discovers that Jonathan owns nothing.  There’s not even a toothbrush in the bathroom.

Jonathan catches Mark in his apartment and, after Mark demands to know just who exactly Jonathan is, Jonathan explains that he works for “the Boss.”  He travels from location to location, helping people who need help.  When Mark demands to know who the Boss is, Jonathan can only look heaven-ward.

Needless to say, Mark is not at all convinced that Jonathan is an angel.  But there’s an even bigger problem to deal with!  Mr. Sinclair (Joe Dorsey), the owner of retirement home, has sold the land to a developer!  Everyone who worked there is now out of a job and everyone who lived there has been given just a few days to move out and find somewhere else to live.

When Jonathan pays Mr. Sinclair a visit, he discovers that Sinclair has spent his life making money in order to get over the shame of being rejected by his high school love.  Unfortunately, she’s now dead and Sinclair no longer cares about anyone.  Still, Jonathan is able to convince Mr. Sinclair to give him a chance to raise enough money to buy the retirement home.

Mark’s suggestion is that they take the money that they already have and bet it at the tracks.  Jonathan is not sure if the Boss would like him gambling but, in the end, he agrees to Mark’s plan.  At the tracks, it first appears that the horse that the old people put their money on has lost.  But then then Sidney discovers that the person at the betting window accidentally gave him the wrong ticket and — it’s a miracle!  They win the money!

The old people are able to buy their retirement home and Mark is now convinced that Jonathan is angel.  In fact, Mark is so convinced that he insists on driving Jonathan around the country and helping him out.

(Don’t worry about Leslie.  Though she’s upset when Jonathan leaves, a handsome and single man immediately moves in next door to her.)

This episode ends with Jonathan getting into Mark’s car and the two of them driving off, down the highway.

Wow, this was an earnest show.  Seriously, there’s not a hint of sarcasm or snarkiness to be found in this episode, which I imagine explains why this show is still airing on the retro stations and streaming on a hundred different sites.  To an extent, it’s easy to be dismissive of a show where a bunch of quirky old people got to the race track to win enough money to be able to stay together in their retirement home.  There’s nothing subtle not particularly surprising about any of it.  I mean, we know there’s no way Helen Hayes and that adorable dog are going to lose their home!  But this episode was so achingly sincere in its approach that it worked.

We’ll see if it continues to work next week!

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Highway to Heaven 1.1 “Pilot: Part One”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

Highway to Heaven is one of those old shows that, decades after its final episode, still always seems to either be airing or streaming somewhere.  The show’s premise was a simple one.  Jonathan Smith (Michael Landon) was an angel who had been sent to Earth to help people.  Working with him was a retired cop named Mark Gordon (Victor French).  Together, they drove across the country and met a different guest star every week.

Though the show aired its final episode over 30 years ago and both of the stars have since passed on, Highway to Heaven remains popular in both syndication and streaming.  From the few episodes that I’ve seen, it appears that the show’s main appeal was just how unabashedly sentimental it was.  For people living in a cynical age, the show is a throwback to a simpler time.  Of course, I imagine that some people also find it to be a fairly campy show.  There’s nothing subtle about the messaging of Highway to Heaven. 

Anyway, it seems like a good show to review for Retro Television Reviews, so here we are.  Let’s head down that highway!

Episode 1.1 “Highway to Heaven: Part One”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on September 19th, 1984)

In a small town in Arizona, there’s a retirement community that is full of people who are in need.

For instance, Estelle Wicks (Helen Hayes) hasn’t left her room in years.  She’s convinced that her daughter is going to come to get her at any minute, even though everyone else at the community tries to get her to understand that her daughter hasn’t been by to see her in years.  That said, at least Estelle still has some hope.  Everyone else in the community appears to be resigned to spending all of their time indoors, watching television and waiting for the end.

Mr. Haskins (John O’Leary), the owner of the community, is struggling to pay the bills and is thinking of selling the retirement home to a group of land developers.  Mr. Haskins rarely smiles and hardly ever interacts with the people living at the community.  He doesn’t want them going outside or doing any special activities because he’s worried about potential lawsuits.  He’s not willing to spend the money necessary to even make the community look like an inviting place to live.

Mr. Haskins’s assistant, Leslie Gordon (Mary McCusker), is a lonely woman who lives in an apartment with her brother, Mark (Victor French).  Mark is a former cop who refuses to trust anyone and who can’t hold down a job.  He’s developing quite a drinking problem and spends most of his time either watching television and having a beer or going down to the local bar and having even more beer.

No one, and I mean no one, in this town appears to be happy.  But then a mysterious drifter named Jonathan Smith (Michael Landon) hitchhikes into town and applies for a job as a maintenance worker at the retirement community.  As he explains to Mr. Haskins, he doesn’t have any references but he’s willing to work without a salary for a month in order to prove that he can handle the job.  Mr. Haskins hires Jonathan, who immediately plants a flower garden and gets to know the residents at the retirement community.  He even gets Estelle to agree to take care of a puppy.

With Jonathan’s gentle encouragement, even Leslie starts to enjoy life a little bit more.  When Jonathan shows up one morning with a bicycle, Leslie rides it to work.  When Leslie asks Jonathan how he could afford the bike, he says that a friend gave it to him.  When she asks how Jonathan could afford to plant all of the flowers for the retirement home, he says that a friend helped out.  For a drifter who just came to town, Jonathan certainly seems to have a lot of friends!

This raises the concern of Mark, who thinks that Jonathan must be a conman of some sort.  He sets out to investigate just exactly who Jonathan is.  He first stop is the local bicycle shop, where the owner says that he’s never met a Jonathan Smith.  And then — the episode ends!  “TO BE CONTINUED” reads the title card.

It’s a rather abrupt ending, undoubtedly the result of the pilot originally being aired as a two-hour movie.  As often happens, the pilot was split into two parts for syndication.  Of course, the viewer already knows that Jonathan is an angel who has been sent to Earth to help people but the first episode of the series ends with Mark still convinced that Jonathan is just a con man.  I assume he’ll find out the truth next week.

As far as first episodes go, this one is hard to judge because it’s obviously incomplete.  That said, the pilot’s unapologetic earnestness is definitely its strongest trait.  Early on, Jonathan says, “Kindness doesn’t cost a thing,” and Michael Landon delivers the line with such sincerity that he makes it work despite the fact that it’s also a cliché.

Anyway, next week, we’ll finish up the pilot and see if Mr. Haskins will ever learn how to run a retirement community.  Hopefully, Estelle will finally come out of her room as well.  And, most importantly, we’ll see how Mark went from thinking Jonathan was a con artist to traveling around the country with him.

Until then, be kind.