Imogene Coca | Through the Shattered Lens

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, the curse of Lawrence continues.

Episode 7.4 “God Child/Curtain Call”

(Dir by Ted Lange, originally aired on October 29th, 1983)

Tori Spelling is in this episode. She was only ten years old at the time but she was already a terrible actress. In the role of Laurie, a poor little rich girl whose fantasy is to ask God why her parents died in a crash, Spelling gives a performance that is overly cutesy. There’s nothing authentic about her or her delivery. Her role on the show was obviously a result of her father being the producer.

Laurie doesn’t find God. (At first, she assumes Roarke is God but he assures her that he is not, despite the fact that he has God-like powers. Ricardo Montalban, for his part, said that he always felt that Roarke was a fallen angel who was doing penance on Fantasy Island.) Laurie does however find Adam Cobb (George Kennedy), a former circus clown-turned-alcoholic who briefly pretends to be God. At first, Laurie hates Adam for lying about being God. Then Mr. Roarke explains that Adam’s wife died in a circus fire and that his own daughter was adopted by another family. Laurie feels sorry for him and invites Adam to come live in her mansion with her aunt. Adam considers it but ultimately decides that he needs to instead search for his own daughter. In a rather bizarre turn of events, he dances with Laurie while singing Funny Face to her.

As for Laurie meeting God, Adam suggests that maybe there’s a bit of God in everyone and therefore, we’re all God. Whatever, you hippie.

This storyline was ugh. Like seriously, just ugh. Laurie didn’t get her fantasy. She just met some old alcoholic who spouted a bunch of a Unitarian mumbo jumbo at her. As for Adam leaving the Island to find his own daughter …. well, did he? This episode doesn’t tell us. How exactly is he going to find her? Does she want anything to do with him? How was the penniless Adam able to afford a trip to Fantasy Island in the first place?

AND WHERE THE HELL IS TATTOO!?

Meanwhile, Milton Berle played an old comedian who wanted his former partners (Imogene Coca and Howard Morris) to forgive him so that they could perform together one last time. This storyline felt very familiar and it featured a lot of singing. Even Mr. Roarke sang a song. It’s actually kind of strange how many songs were sung in this episode because this wasn’t a musical episode. This wasn’t like that musical episode of The Love Boat where the songs were evenly distributed across the program. Instead, towards the end of the episode, people just started singing. It was weird.

Speaking of The Love Boat, this episode was directed by Isaac himself, Ted Lange. Lange keeps the action movie but I just wish this episode had been better written. This is another episode where it’s easy to imagine how much better it would have been with Tattoo than with Lawrence. Tattoo would have definitely gotten emotionally involved with Laurie’s search for God. Lawrence, on the other hand, is just a stiff upper lip butler whose main concern is making sure everyone gets their drink order. It’s nothing against Christopher Hewett, who I have read was a good Catholic. It’s just that he’s stuck playing a character who does not belong on the Island.

This was a pretty desultory trip to the Island.

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

This week, we start the second season of Monsters!

Episode 2.1 “The Face”

(Dir by Allen Coulter, originally aired on October 1st, 1989)

The second season of Monsters opens with two redneck brother, Ray (Gregory Grove) and Clifford (Gary Roberts), breaking into a house that is owned by an old widow (Imogene Coca). Because the woman is known for paying for everything in cash and doesn’t even have a bank account, the brothers suspect that she has a fortune stashed away somewhere in the house. (I’m not really sure how the brothers know that she doesn’t have a bank account and, for that matter, neither one of them really come across like they could open a bank account either. Maybe just don’t judge people on whether or not they have a bank account, you know?) When the dumbass brothers stumble across the woman in her bedroom, a struggle leads to Ray suffocating her but not before she bites a chunk out of his hand.

The wound on Ray’s hand refuses to heal. Instead, it starts to resemble the face of the old woman and soon, Ray is hearing her voice and the wound itself appears to be talking. Yikes! Is Ray being driven mad by his own guilt and paranoia or is the woman’s spirit truly haunting him? And will Ray ever be able to get the voice to stop or will he end up doing something unthinkable to his hand?

Either way, that talking hand wound is not particularly pleasant to look at. The second season premiere of Monsters takes it cue from both the body horror of David Cronenberg and the comedic grotesquerie of Sam Raimi and that means that we get a lot of closeups of Ray’s bloody hand and we also see every detail of the lengths that Ray goes to try to silence the wound. I started this episode cringing and, by the end of it, I had my own hands over my eyes because some of the imagery was just way too …. icky.

While the imagery was undeniably effective in its nauseating way, the overall story really didn’t carry much of an impact. Ray and Clifford were both such idiots that it was difficult to really care about any story involving them. In the end, they weren’t even interesting enough to make their downfall fun to watch. This episode worked best as an example of gross-out horror and, if I had to guess, I think the episode’s main aim was to let viewers know that season 2 was going to be even more graphic than season one. The episode makes for a fine highlight real for the show’s VFX and makeup teams but, as a story, it just falls flat.